How to Reconnect with a Husband

Hi Kate,

I'm sorry for what you're going thro. It must be terribly lonely. I've never been through it so I have no first-hand advice, but it seems to me that if it were me and my husband I would be trying to reconnect and the way I would go about it is through sex. One night when hubby closes himself up in his room to work, I would put on something sexy and make a sexy entrance and see if I can't get his mind away from his work. If it works and you have sex, then I would use that bit of time after sex when everyone is feeling warm and fuzzy to very gently open up a conversation letting him know how lonely you are and trying to come up with a plan together for trying to reconnect. I know you say that you have some resentment already and that will only grow as time goes on, so don't wait too long. Even if you don't necessarily feel sexy and loving toward hubby right now, fake it until you make it, as they say.

Good luck!

You can change you and help you. Try talking to him, spend time with him, come on to him. If you're mad at him, let it go. Choose to forgive him and change your feelings for him. It may seem weird at first but you'll soon feel better about it. it takes time but if you're consistent, then things may look up sooner than you think. Plan a date, even if it's a candle lit dinner after kids are in bed. Hang out with him if he's working in his room. Ask if there is anything you can help him while he's starting his new business. be interested in him and cheerful and loving. Don't wait for him to respond. Just do your part. I wish you the best!

I would read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." This book suggests that men are fairly simple and women have all the power in changing their relationshsips and how their men see them. It will be hard to do some of this stuff because you will not get anything back. My advice would be to bite the bullet, take Dr. Laura's advice for a month or so and try to get on the right track. If you are doing all the stuff she recommends and he does not start to reciprocate, then there is more to it and may not be worth saving.

Can you plan some fun time together? A date night - don't talk about the "relationship" or your son, but do something FUN. Dinner, movie, show, sporting event etc... just reconnect w/o the pressure and stress for a bit to take some pressure off. I also agree, some postiive feedback and thank you's might just be what he needs to hear. Best of luck.

My first guess is he is hiding something. Something happened that he is ashamed of and it will all spill out if he connects with you. It could be anything from a huge loss of money to an affair.

There must be someone who will take your son for a night. A neighbor who has kids his age, a friend from work or church. Find someone to take him and explain that you and hubby need a night alone to talk.

When he gets home give him time to de-compress. I usually need a half hour of mindless TV or reading email with a cup of hot coffee or a glass of wine. Make a nice dinner and as you are eating tell him your son is spending the night at the Jones so the two of you can talk.
Since you live where the weather is warmer maybe pack a picnic basket with dinner and tell him he has a date with a ravishing woman for dinner on the beach and walk in the moonlight. When he asks who say ME. Dress nicely in something he likes, remember men are visual.

I agree that you need to get him to talk but as the old adage says: 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'. If he won't express what is going on with him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him I feel abandoned and alone and I miss you--I miss us. I miss cuddling on the couch, I miss talking to you. Try very hard not to be accusing so he has to defend himself.
Saying: When you say 'all you care about is....' puts him on the defensive. If you word it like I miss you, I know setting up a new business is time consuming and stressful, can I help so we can spend time together? Or can we set a date for Sunday morning, every week just for family time?

He needs to know you are behind him all the way but he also has to understand that you are not a peice of furniture.

some times a trial seperation (hear me out) works wonders. My almost ex-husband and I had come to the end of our rope. We despised each other, each for different reasons. We had been through it ALL and it had taken its toll. After 9yrs of marriage I moved out. We had seperated before but me and the kids always stayed in the family home. The last time, I packed ALL my stuff and my kids and left. we signed divorce papers, before they were final I found out that I had been pregnant for a while, I stayed gone almost 3months, I was 4 months pregnant. Needless to say I think the reallity of it actually being "OVER" really changed things for the better. Niether of us had a clue we wouldn't really be divorced and we were both scared. Maybe a good scare is good sometimes......

you don't have a neighbor or good friend or family that could watch your son?

because to me giving up on therapy - he just gave up on your marriage. and i would tell him that. it's very simple. either he MAKES time for you (therapy) or he has chosen to end the marriage.

sadly i had to get to that point with my husband. eventually you reach a point where there is no going back. i'd say giving up on therapy (refusing to go) is that point. you really need to talk to him and make him realize how serious this is. good luck...

I'm sorry this is happening at your house. Keep going to the therapist by yourself. If you can't get a sitter, ask the therapist if you can bring your son along (that'll be another challenge, but better than not going). It takes at least one to make a marriage; that one is you at the moment. Go for it.

For what it's worth, a new business is a really scary endeavor. It has physical, mental, and time requirements which can just about do people in, and if he's in business with friends, it can actually be worse. I have no idea is that's the reason your husband is distant; I'm only saying it can happen that way.

Has he given you any clue as to what's up with him?

You have some good advice below, including even trying the Dr. Laura book. That approach is always worth a try, even if it's hard to do.

Good luck. I feel your pain.

My answer is slightly different. In our relationship, I am the one who is distant from my husband. I am going to therapy because I believe alot of it is my problem. We have been married 5 years and have two boys, ages 3 and 4. We are older parents - I am 48, hubbie is 52. Since we have been married we have had the following events: husband's father died, my mother died, husband's income was cut from 6 figures to $35 K, house was foreclosed, bankruptcy, car repossession, I went back to work, we moved across the country, everyone had to find new jobs. Oh yes, and the children were born! Can I tell you what my stress level is? Things are on a more even keel know but I find myself resentful at him for some of his decisions and inaction in the face of disaster. Plus, in counseling I have found out that almost everyone has a rough time between 5 - 10 years after a marriage. I'm thinking that he is resentful about you for some reason. Can you think what it might be? Can you address it honestly with him? It is so hard, I know. He may also be depressed. I suggest continuing counseling without him. For your son's sake, marriage is the best thing but if it continues for too long. . . Good luck, I know it is miserable. Believe me, it's just as miserable for the other person!

Suggestion, look up co-dependency! Once you realize you can't fix your husband and you can only fix yourself, then you will start resolving the issues. Find a Celebrate Recovery program in your area. Its for anyone with a hurt,habit or hang-ups. Most have free daycare for the children during the time for your class. Most of them are at chruches in the local area. I hope this will help you in your journey to fix your marriage.

How much interest do you show in the business he's trying to start up? I realize that you have a lot on your plate working full time and having the care of your son when at home, so of course you don't feel like theres a lot of time and energy for you to think about his business. However, it might help if you just start asking him about how things are going and make sure you show some genuine interest during your meal time. That little start could spark more interest as time goes on and bring you back together again.

Hi again Kate,

Just replied to another post and then read all of your others. I think you need to take your husband AND his mother back to the therapist so you can all work on things since his mother is definitely a huge part of the picture!! He needs to realize he's never going to have ANY successful relationships with you, his son or anyone if he can't find a way to communicate and work well with anyone - whether it's child rearing or anything for that matter. You two need to figure out how to raise your child TOGETHER, YOUR WAY (regardless if you're married) NOT his mother's way. He needs to remember he CHOSE you as his wife and the mother of his child and he needs to remember that. You ARE NOT required to give up your opinions/rights just because of his mother. You should try to give his mother respect and work with her but THIS IS YOUR CHILD, not hers. She had her chance to raise her children her way. You can listen to her advice but you don't have to follow it.

You guys need to start working on things as a group and spending more time as a group to keep things open and honest. You can lead this group - break their bad habits, be strong, be powerful. Fight for this if it's what you really want!

He is under stress with this new venture. He is probably scared that he will fail and disappoint you. Get him and card and let him know how proud you are of him and this new venture. Stroke his ego.

Once you start doing that, he might start opening up. Men do not like to show fear infront of their women.

Get a babysitter and go to counseling yourself. You two can't live like this. If you can't get him to act like a husband, you need to separate your finances and make sure he can't get you legally on the hook for his new business venture.

You might consider a trial separation with a lawyer helping to make sure you don't end up with debt in your name that you didn't
sign for. If he sees he is about to lose the best thing he has, he might come to his senses.

Something seems really wrong here, and he seems unwilling to work with you. Please protect yourself. I've seen this happen to friends of mine, and they couldn't get out from underneath the debt. One guy actually took out a student loan in his wife's name and didn't tell her. Do you know that you cannot get out from under a student loan? She couldn't prove that it wasn't her signature.

Dawn

Did he start this business with your blessing? It used to be said it took two solid years to get a business up and running. In 2011? FIVE YEARS.