Is It Normal to Feel like This in a Marriage?

Updated on May 01, 2013
L.I. asks from Newbury Park, CA
29 answers

For the past couple of months I've been starting to look at my husband differently. We've been married for almost one year with an 11 month old daughter.

We never go out because we don't trust our families to babysit. So maybe that's why there's no passion anymore. He comes home from work and bets sports. It's the same thing every night. Sometimes I don't feel the same anymore. Before our daughter when we had more free time of course we did things. But I don't even know if that's the problem. Sometimes I just don't feel like I love him anymore. Or that I'm inlove. It seems like we're roommates. Obviously this isn't normal I guess.

Are all healthy relationships like this after awhile where you just fall into a boring pattern?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Insightful answers. Thanks guys. Me and my husband got married 5 days before my daughter was born. All he does is watch sports and I feel left out and not very loved a lot. Maybe it's worth working out but sometimes it doesn't feel right anymore. Before I moved in with him he made an attempt to spend time with me and connect. After moving in together everything changed. I've had several talks with him and he doesn't see a problem. So where do you go from there..

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J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Yes you hit boring and predictable and that is when you break out of it, think outside the box.

I was married before. When I met my husband I just knew he was the one. I promised myself to never! forget that first kiss. Kind of my fail safe when things are less than perfect. :)

My strange advice....try to remember that first kiss.

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S.G.

answers from Grand Forks on

I found the first year with the baby was h*** o* the marriage because so much time and effort went to the baby, there wasn't much left for the marriage. As the kids got older and more independent things got back to normal. Why don't you go ahead and make plans to go out and do stuff as a family, just to get out of the rut you are in. I have to make all the plans in my family. If I waited for my husband to make the plans we would never go anywhere or do anything.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

This is common, but not "normal". You need to find ways to reconnect and get that feeling back. Talk to him about how you are feeling and see if you can come up with ways together to help find each other again.

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

L. I,

Later on in life, you will come to understand that marriage is a long pattern of falling into-- and out of-- love with your spouse.

It's not that we don't love each other any more, just that the realities of life do sap away the romance and passion. I had these stretches with my husband even before we married (we lived together for 8 years before that, and had our son 6 years after we got together).

We've made sure to create some fun things to do together, even when we can't get out. We spent a LOT of our son's first two years pretty much joined at the hip. We started getting a sitter when he was nearly two, and frankly, it was because I had some medical issues and we needed the childcare coverage for MRIs and ultrasounds. Romantic dates, they were not.

What I love about my husband is what I have always loved about my husband-- he is a good, good man. He is a rock-steady guy who works hard and doesn't complain and is a team player, solution-oriented. We've had rough patches and then we went to talk with someone about them.

Are we as intimate as often as we used to be? Nope. Are we as fun and exciting as we used to be? Not really. But we've grown in life together and understand that some things are more substantial and meaningful than the 'fun' and spontaneous times. We've redefined 'date nights' to mean that we have a date with each other to watch a movie or favorite show or play a game or just sit at the kitchen table and talk with each other.

Passion still happens, and honestly, it is better than ever. There's a level of comfort that comes with cultivating a relationship for this long. We've been together for 12 years now and I don't regret any of it.

One last thing: in our contemporary culture, a lot of us came from families where parents divorced, and our media images of relationships are very, very unrealistic. Not as many of us have seen our own parents fall in and out of love with each other and go through the many 'seasons' of marriage and relationship. Couples who have been together for 30, 40, 50 years will tell you that love is a bond, and that there were also stretches of time when it was like 'roommates' or that there were long, dry seasons. Some stretches of time when you are so busy *doing* and getting things done that the idea of being amorous was just totally beside the point. So, we do well, even during those more mundane times, to be noticing each other for the small things and appreciating them aloud. My husband and I do a lot of thanking each other. A LOT. It is one of the ways we keep our marriage strong is just knowing that the other person values us and the contributions we CAN make, have the energy to make.

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I'm not sure how old you and your husband are, but you're not seeing the forest for the trees here.

You are worried about the fact that you don't "feel" passionately in love. Welcome to the reality of the long-term commitment that is marriage. Your love will and should change over time and with a child - you should feel more like a couple and less like roomates in time. The passion will wax and wane and that is normal.

But.

You need to re-read your own post because there are some red flags there that have nothing to do with the idea of "we've lost the passion."

He bets every night? Likely he's addicted. You have to deal with that and get him to see it, and stop it. That is going to be tough because he likely will say "It's not a problem, I do it because I'm so bored."

Neither of you trusts either family? Clearly there are big issues there on both sides. Surely that creates stress and tension. It's not about "we need them to babysit," really, IS it?

You were married just days before giving birth. So you have never had a period as a married couple without kids. You went from zero to 90 in no time flat, and it's likely that the realities of a baby -- no sleep for anyone, tired wife, husband who wants to do his own thing rather than spend baby time when he gets home, etc. -- have hit you both hard.

I wonder how well you really know each other as adults and as a couple if you've had a baby for most of your time together.

Counseling. You can get it low-cost via your county or city health department if cost is an issue. But you need marriage counseling and possibly parenting classes or family counseling so your child grows up with both of you in the household.

Your husband has checked out. You are focused on the smaller problem and not the real ones. A third party professional could help you both.

If your husband refuses counseling -- he's denying there's any problem at all. And denial IS a problem in itself. Go on your own if he won't go.

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L.S.

answers from Fort Collins on

Nervy Girl is so, so right. My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs, together for 16. I especially love her comment about how many of our generation haven't seen a marriage go thru seasons, as so many are children of divorce. It's easy to give up when things get hard....it is so, so worth it to hang on and make things better!

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J.K.

answers from Wausau on

It sounds like the shiny has worn off the relationship. That's normal. The issue now is did you ever build a foundation for the marriage, or did you get married because of the shiny and the baby? Would you be married now if you hadn't gotten pregnant?

It's time to start over and treat this like a new relationship. Start dating your husband. Do things together as a family. Have a walk, go to the park, etc. Get to know each other for real without the blinding stars in your eyes.

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

I have been with my husband 20 years and yes it is normal for your relationship to wax and wane. There are times you don't feel attracted to him or even like him. There are times you feel like it is all dull and too boring. There are times you feel pissed at him! Marriage is hard at times. These low points are the times that you have to hang in there, tough it out, and really WORK at it. You need to find a babysitter you just adore and go do something fun together. You need to talk to him. You need time just you and he...intimate time, time talking, enjoy something together in the evenings, go hear some music, meet with friends, exercise together, make each other laugh. For us we always get back to a good place again and things are amazing again. From talking to friends everyone experiences this. So, what you are experiences is COMPLETELY normal and a part of any marriage. You have to work at it now and get back to a good place.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

I don't think a relationship is "healthy" when it feels like a roommate situation. Not to say that the marriage still can't be strong, but it is not healthy for a marriage to operate like that. I was married 3 full years, before my child came along. I had 3 years to know what marriage was like without a child. After my son was born, we both realized that we had to work to keep it that way. You have not really been married without a child. There is no comparison to before and after, only after. My suggestion is very simple, you must have fun and find time to connect with each other. Before your child was born, what did you enjoy together and separately? Do those things. Laugh together. Go to dinner, watch a funny movie. Have a "date." G Think about a date you went on when you did not have a child, that you really loved. Revisit that date.

My husband and I have been married nearly 8 years. The first day of our honeymoon, we made a pact. We said there were two things we would do EVERY day, no matter what. No matter how mad, frustrated, tired, sad, scared...whatever...we would do these two things. We made this part of our vow together.
1. Laugh together.
2. Kiss each other. Not a quick peck, but a real kiss.

I can tell you there have been days, that we had to force it, because it was just a really hard or long day. The thing is, we always ended up enjoying it, being thankful for it, and it reminds us why those things are so important. It's a connection, every day. An intimacy and shared moment. It has never failed to restore us.

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M.O.

answers from New York on

Honestly, that IS pretty normal, though it often hits after a one-year point. My husband and I are pretty much friendly, occasionally squabbling roommates at this point (12.5 years of marriage).

On the one hand, don't catastrophize -- don't get into thinking about how this is the beginning of the end.

On the other hand, if you don't trust your families to babysit, find someone you DO trust. That's not that hard to do. Or, just have a "date" at home after she goes to bed, with soft lights, music, a few drinks, you get the idea.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

nothing hits a marriage in the gut like a baby. babies are so wonderful, and so absorbing, and so time-consuming, and so life-changing. and you guys never had the chance to experience marriage WITHOUT a baby, so you started at a disadvantage.
so start there, with the two of you. never going out, and not trusting anyone else with your baby, is a recipe for disaster. whatever you once saw in each other will fade into distant memory if you make no effort to rekindle it. marriage is work! so work on it. find someone you trust. if the issue is really your families (both of them? really?), then find a good babysitter. there are LOTS of them. get recommendations, do some research, and learn how to separate yourself from your baby periodically. this will be awfully good for the baby too. parents love to brag about how their kids are never without them, blissfully ignorant of how stunting this is for children's psyches.
even if you can't afford to do much, get out of the house and be together. it doesn't cost a thing to go for a walk in a park. sit down and look at each other and tell the other why you fell in love in the first place. name the things that you appreciate about the other. tell each other what turns you on.
if your husband has a gambling addiction, that adds a whole other dimension of problems. that needs to be addressed by a counselor, or an addiction group. don't let that slide.
if he's just doing it because he's equally bored and disconnected from you, engage him in finding ways to reconnect. do things as a family too.
it is very normal for love relationships to lurch after baby's arrival. but it doesn't have to go off the rails if you both care enough about each other to put some effort into it.
good luck!
khairete
S.

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T.N.

answers from Albany on

Well you used to be a couple. Now you're a family.

Vibrant coupledom IS possible in a family. Essential even.

No reason you can't get that back.

Of course, both parties must want that. And both parties must make it happen.

Maybe you could just tenderly say something like...I love our little family. But I miss US. I miss you. I want us to still be into each other.

And see where that goes?

:)

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

I don't know. We both really WANTED kids, and understood with babies we wouldn't be going out much when they were little. Plus we LIKED being at home with them.
Of course we had TV shows and movies that we enjoyed before kids, so being married wasn't much different than dating/living together. It was never all sports here, we had our common shows, we enjoyed cooking together, having friends over, etc.
Now that our kids are older we go out more, but honestly there's still a lot of time at home.
And of course there's plenty of sex :-)
That's what being compatible with someone is all about, right?

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R.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Trust your families to babysit.

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K.H.

answers from Phoenix on

Definitely a common feeling. When we did our marriage prep classes, the couple who ran them talked about this feeling. They had been married for over 30 years and certainly experienced those down times. They said it was at those moments when it was more important than ever to put in the extra effort... that could mean sitting closely together on the couch, special lingerie, whatever you need to connect again. Sometimes it feels like it's only going through the motions, and maybe it is, but with time and effort, they said the feeling always returned. Hang in there!

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J.M.

answers from Boston on

I think it is normal actually but u have to both want to bring back the spark. Please work on it. Can u find a babysitter that friends or neighbors use? Even a lunch and movie out...

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L.H.

answers from New York on

You two need to make time for each other. Please find a trustworthy babysitter and spend some alone time together. If you are not getting attention from your husband that might lead to you looking for attention from others which is why alot of marriages fail. What you are going through is normal.Think back to why you fell in love with him and try to get that spark back. Marriage is alot of work and it isnt always going to be fun. Hang in there!

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R.H.

answers from Houston on

Can you give us reasons why your families are both not trusted to babysit. That seems a bit strange, I agree.

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H.G.

answers from Lancaster on

It's normal to have ups and downs in a marriage - especially when you have a little one to tend to. In my opinion, the red flag is where you said you've had several talks with him and he doesn't see a problem. THAT's the problem. When someone is unhappy in a marriage and the other person doesn't see that as a problem, then there's a problem. In a good marriage, when one person has a problem, it becomes the other person's problem too. If he finds sports betting more interesting than connecting with you and/or your baby, then that's a problem too. He may have an addiction problem. I strongly recommend seeing a therapist or counselor of some sort. Best of luck to you.

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J.C.

answers from New York on

I think it's very normal. You have this person depending on you 24 hours a day and things are just different.

You need to try to reconnect. Even if it's an at home date night - no TV, no computer, just you and candles and some wine. He will love it more than betting.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

Communication. That's where you go from here. Most men are not very intuitive. They most certainly can't read minds. He really doesn't know how close he is to losing you both. You need to make it clear.
Guys assume you are fine till you are not.

I've been married 25 yrs. There are times that we don't even resemble the same couple from yr to year. Certainly the childless couple is not a lot like a couple with a baby. A couple with two children or more is different again.
Yes, there are lulls. There are mountains and valleys. It's a lot of tollerence and finding your own interests and finding interests that you can share.

Tell him you have needs he is not filling. If you are a man, that automatically means sexual needs but if you are a woman, those are emotional/connection needs. He needs a heads up before you don't care anymore.if you learn how to fix this then you can have a long and fulfilling marriage. If you don't, then there will be some lonely times. Divorce is not an option that will make you happy either. Go for the long term and you will have a FAMILY and that's wonderful.

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K.P.

answers from Miami on

This isn't something new in your relationship, so you're going to have to BOTH work to create a spark. It sounds like your husband put all of the work into dating and once you moved in... he figured he was "done".

I suggest having a life of your own. Go out with your baby (or have her stay home with daddy) and go do things on your own or with friends. Find happiness within yourself, but continue to invite him along. "Hon, Susie and I are going to go for a walk to the park. Want to come? We can grab a cup of coffee on the way." If he says yes, great. If not, his loss.

You can talk and talk and talk, but my guess is that he is not listening. Change your behavior and change your mindset and hope that he joins you. If not, then you have to decide what's best for you and your daughter.

No, it's not normal in the sense that his attention was waning long before the baby arrived. This is who he is. Either you are OK with it, or you are not.

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D..

answers from Miami on

You go to marriage counseling. That's where you go. I hope you'll do it.

Good luck.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Just because you might fall into a "boring" pattern, does not mean that you don't love your spouse/SO. Hubby and I live pretty boring lives. We don't have much money so we don't go out much. BUT we still love each other very much; are very much in love with each other; and enjoy a wonderful sex life.

So, yes, marriage gets boring, but it doesn't mean that we bore each other.

Maybe take the bull by the horns and try to shake it up a bit. Prepare a late night supper for you and hubby after the LO goes to bed. Put on something nice and sexy, light some candles and call hubby in from his betting. You don't have to go anywhere to have a date night!

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L.F.

answers from San Francisco on

Lily,

You guys are newlyweds! It is normal to have things shift after having a baby and that takes time. But its not normal to question your love or being in love with him. There must be another issue. Can you go to therapy together? That usually helps clarify alot with another person. GL

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M.P.

answers from Green Bay on

I think society makes relationships look more passionate than they really might be. Movies and TV shows do not depict realistic relationships because you can't pack a couple's issues into a 30-60 minute episode.

Relationships take effort. It is easy to get into a "rut" and it is even easier to keep going in that rut and not working to get yourself out of it.

Most of your marriage has been with a child. Having a child definitely changes the dynamics in a marriage and if you haven't had a marriage experience WITHOUT a child, it is hard to know what needs fixing.

There is a HUGE difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE. As couples go through different stages of their relationship, there might be times when they aren't IN LOVE (passion) but still love each other and do things to show that.

Sometimes it feels like a roommate situation. But then a HEALTHY couple will address those feelings and work to improve the situation. Having a pattern doesn't necessarily have to be boring. It's hard to have passion with a young child...but you can still have love. Time to explore your relationship and see what areas need to be addressed.

My husband and I are in a couples group at church. This year we did a DVD study and viewed the DVD series "Laugh your way to a better marriage". It was quite interesting. It was entertaining yet very informational and discussed how men and women operate differently and how it can affect relationships. Might be worth exploring something of that nature. Doesn't hurt!

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

He bets on sports every night? I suggest he has an addiction. Addictions take over one's life. He doesn't have room for you anymore because of his addiction. When you try to talk with him, he's thinking about when he can make his next bet. He has to defend how he's behaving because he feels that he needs to bet on sports.

You might try going to Alanon meetings to learn more about addictions and how to deal with them in your spouse. I also suggest you get counseling to help you find out what you want to do as well as learn why you chose this man so you'll know how to make a better choice next time if you do decide to leave. Counseling can give you tools to work on your marriage if that's your decision.

For me, I never give up on anything that's important to me until I feel that I've done all that I can to try to correct the situation. I stayed in an unhappy marriage for several years while we both went to counseling. Nothing changed and I left but not until I'd done everything I could think of to try to change it. I learned and grew and became a wiser person for having done that.

I also suggest that you make plans to do something together that you enjoyed early in your relationship. Find a babysitter and get out together. Focus on being a fun person. I suspect you've become a bit of a nag.
This may not work because he is an addict but at least you'll have tried a different approach and will know better if it's the addiction or the rut the two of you have fallen into.

Perhaps do some research to discover what love is all about. Personally. I cannot imagine not loving the father of my child. Love has many forms. You don't feel sexually aroused. That's to be expected. But do you want your husband to be happy and involved with you and your baby? That's love.

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S.H.

answers from San Diego on

I second everything Leigh R. said - times 5!

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❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I'm sorry you are going through this tough time in your marriage.
I think all marriages/relationships have hard times & up hill, trying times.
I often think of the movie, "Four Seasons" w/Alan Alda. He said something like "Marriage is like a roller coaster w/it's ups & downs".
So true.
First, I would soul search & make sure what I want.
I, personally, would try first.
I would see a counselor for yourself (you can find one cheap through your
health provider or google healthy counselors with a sliding pay scale.
Try that route first to see if your husb will respond to what the professionals tell you might help this situation.
I will say having a child does change a marriage & some issues can result.
This by no means excuses behavior of a person to be mean, treat you terribly or for him to give up on the marriage.
In time, you will determine if you still "love" him. Being "in love" is a stage.
Being married long term takes fortitude, changes & give and take.
Of course, you did more before the birth of your child.
See if he will engage & do things as a family then slowly as a couple (just
you & him) like going to dinner for an hour.
The most trying time in a marriage is right after the birth of a child.
Most men don't/won't talk so you may try to engage him in conversaion then find he will not open up & talk. While that's normal it is not an excuse for that or for bad behavior.
Know that you have changed, meaning you love your daughter unconditionally, have her best interests at heart & will protect her at all costs.
Then realize he has changed in much diff ways.
Again, this is no excuse for anyone to treat anyone badly!!
Maybe try making a nice dinner for all of you one night.
See if you can choose a how together that you would both enjoy watching.
Take time for yourself: treat yourself to a coffee once in awhile, call your friends, call family to talk & laugh, buy yourself a very inexpensive tee shirt if within your budget.
Be kind to yourself.
Try to communicate w/him about life in genereal (your day/his day). Just
casual conversation.
If things do not change or improve, you will have to think of other plans but for now "try" to do what you can with what is within your power.
It does take two ppl to make things work out but sometimes it takes one person to notice & make a change. Best of luck to you.

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