How Do I Trust Him?

He's not hiding the texts from you. Have you read the texts? If not, why not? If there's nothing going on then there's no reason for him not to share them with you.

You need to talk with hubby and let him know that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

EJ,
I mean this in the kindest way....
I am going to assume a few things here:
1. You are very young (like under 25)
or
2. You are very, very insecure
Or, perhaps, both.

Let me tell you as a 48 year old woman something that will serve you well throughout your life: Jealousy and suspicion are two VERY non-productive and destructive emotions. Left to run amok, they WILL destroy your relationship with your husband. If your husband is fighting a losing battle and you think he is unfaithful (if he's not) you will drive him away.

Sooooooo...you can CHOOSE to be NOT jealous and NOT suspicious. If necessary, get a little help from a counselor, pastor, trusted mentor to work through what you are feeling.

It's not fair to your husband to think the way you are thinking if he has not done anything to cause these feelings. Poor guy is fighting a losing battle.

Keep your eyes open, your sensibilities about you, but PLEASE kick the suspicion and jealousy to the curb!

Your marriage deserves better.

You don't have to trust him with her. He is your husband and you and he get to set the rules for this marriage. If you are uncomfortable with his communication with a woman or with the way he spends time with a woman, you get to tell him to stop, whether he is cheating or not. Do not wait until it looks like he is really cheating!!! I can not stress that enough. If he does not respect your wishes, point out to him that he has placed his friendship with this woman above his wife, which is wrong. I was a missionary many years ago and helped a man to baptism. We kept in touch for years with no flirting whatsoever. One day his wife saw my profile picture as he was typing a message to me on the computer and because she didn't know me, she told him he couldn't speak to me anymore. I said, yes ma'am, I understand. I did not want her to mistrust her husband or feel threatened by me and my friendship with him was not more important than the trust in their marriage. Now I never communicate with him unless I know his wife approves. That's the kind of response that comes from honesty. Good luck and God bless!

Ummm, I think you need to talk to him about it so he knows you are uncomfortable with the situation. Oh, and your mom is not correct, not all men cheat.

Well, your mom isn't really helping things is she? Her situation is not your situation.

I am in laboratory sales and have nine people on my team - 5 of them all very good looking men, married or in a long term relationship. I talk or text with everyone of them daily and I'm divorced. For us we are all friends and colleagues and support each other. My birthday was on Monday and Mother's day was Sunday...I received texts or e-mails from all of them (women included).

I hope you can become more more secure with this. This classmate shouldn't be a threat because she is attractive.

I don't feel flattered that I receive texts because they are colleagues and friends. I know all of their spouses or significant others are fine with this. I hope you can become more secure in this.

I can tell you that unless you have been cheated on, you can't possibly understand why any woman would be wary of the situation you describe. There are a few things you need to keep in mind here. First, if you have a problem with him seeing or texting this woman outside of class or a study group, tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and you want him to keep the relationship within those boundaries. It doesn't matter why you feel this way, but it should matter to him that you DO feel this way. And he should immediately agree to it because you are his wife and YOU are the one he needs to work at keeping happy.

Second, wives get to be jealous. In a marriage, you give up a lot of privacy. Grab his phone and check it out. Do some snooping without him knowing. If you find something suspicious, sit him down when you are calm and talk about it. Give him the benefit of the doubt and let him explain. If his explanation isn't good enough for you, then maybe you need a neutral party (a counselor or your minister/priest) to help you work through it together.

Third, don't panic :) The key is to present it to him as if you feel like you aren't "part of the team" anymore, that you feel like he's hiding something or she's filling up a place in his life that you are suppose to be filling. And as his wife, YOU get to set the boundaries for his relationship with women you are suspicious of.

My husband has a saying, "Always date your wife." If he's not still courting you, he should be made aware of that and the two of you need to make more of an effort on each other.

And yes, 80% of people admit to cheating on a partner as one point or another. No, not all men cheat, but the majority of them at least think about it. Any woman who tells you otherwise is fooling herself. Monogamy is HARD, it's not easy to stay married for 50 years, it takes a lot of work and dedication. But most of all, it takes communication. You won't know anything until you talk to him. Start with what you said in the last line of your post. Remember, you two are on the same side :)

Well... you need to decide whether you trust your husband or not. Remember that he's not your father. And you also have to know that your Mom is wrong. Not all men cheat. In fact, the vast majority of them don't. So... decide whether you want to be ruled by someone else's past, or by your own future.

Besides, you say that you wouldn't cross that line. Why do you think your husband would? You're basically saying that you're a better person than he is. Is that what you mean?

Have you two talked about this? Have you told him how you feel, without getting upset or yelling or fussing? What does he say? How does he act?

Is he sensitive to your feelings? Is he blowing you off? Is he acting put out or defensive?

If he is defensive, that's a big red flag. If he is trying to allay your fears and is kind about it, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

If my husband were upset about me texting some handsome guy in my class, I'd turn off my phone and stop texting. It would be nice if your husband would do that, to help your relationship.

Dawn

It sounds like the texts are quite likely related to the class and group work? In that case, she could just as easily have been a beautiful co-worker. Basically, you not only do not trust your husband but you also have decided this woman has questionable morals and intentions simply because she's beautiful.

Your husband likely does not have a lot of choice regarding his group projects and does need to communicate about the status of them. As long as he doesn't mind having you see his texts, you probably don't have all that much to worry about. The trust issues seem to be more in your own insecurity than in the actions of others.

If your husband hasn't earned distrust then he deserves the benefit of the doubt . Tame the green eyed monster.

EJ, sit down and talk with your hubby and let him know it makes you uncomfortable. Is it possible to have a get together where you have the whole group over so you can meet her and spend some time with her? I think there are supposed to be boundaries in marriage. Any ongoing contact with an opposite sex person needs to occur in the context where the spouse/you has met the person and spends time with that person also. If she is going to be an ongoing part of his life, it would be great if you could get to know her too.

Perhaps you need to find a therapist. It is not your husbands fault your dad cheated on your mom. That just should not be held against him.

I know when I went to school I had to work in groups with a lot of guys. I had no interest in any of them, their only interest in me was I am crazy smart and slightly driven. They were after my brain, ya know?

Absent anything to indicate he did or will do anything wrong you need to chill, if you can't you need to find a professional that can help you. I can assure you jealousy will destroy a marriage.

I am not a jelous person and actually hardly tolerate the jealousy coming from my mate. I just can't stand it. I am very sociable, I like to interact with people, to make new friends. I am the one who will talk to a complete stranger in the waiting room at the doctor office or comment to bystanders if something is happening in street. I don't discriminate between males and females, significant relationship can be built with anybody and they all enrich our lives, making them fuller and special. I don't cheat. My mate being jealous feels like an in insult to me. Plus, I would feel deprived of the freedom of chosing who I want to be friends with. My mate asking to stop texting my colleague/friend/whatever would feel like he's trying to chose on my behalf, limit my freedom, control me. It'd feel as he's distrusting me even though I would never, ever, stab my mate in the back by cheating.
So, if you feel unsecure, don't forbid him to do things, just tell him about how you feel and treat him like he's on your side, 'cause he is, he must be. If he does averything in the daylight, is willing to introduce you to his friends and includes you in his social life, then you have nothing to worry about. Besides, dont you know that if someone (men and women) wants to cheat, they'll do it anyways? Let it be THEIR problem, not yours.