Seeking Advice on Husbands Friends That Are "Girls"

You need to believe him when he said the ring on his finger means more than anything. Based on that statement, I personally believe him.

Ultimately, you can't micromanage someone into being faithful. You need to trust him. Don't force him to hide his phone calls to this girl from you.

You have been with him a long time, why is it an issue now? I think you should have brought this up way before you married the guy....now it's too late so move on.

No that is not cheating. You are insecure but he is not the reason you are insecure. How would you react if you were being punished for something you didn't do? Say he had a first wife who spent too much money so he won't let you have a credit card? Wouldn't you be angry that he doesn't trust you because of something someone else did?

That is what you are doing. You are judging him because of something your ex did. He shouldn't lie to you but you are kind of forcing his hand. Either he tells you the truth and to suck it up, or he lies.

The way you acting by confronting him and accusing him will surely drive a wedge in your relationship.

You communicate and listen... Never talk to or at hubby. He's not your child, he is your partner!! Remember that!!'

You are either secure in your marriage or not. Sounds like you are not.

I've been married 26 years and my hubby has many close girl friends throughout our industry. Good lord I'd go nuts if I were jealous of them all. I have a lot of guy friends as well and if hubby went berserk on me about that things woukd fall apart. Gees... It's ok to have friends of the opposite sex!

Bottom line.., we are a team/ partnership and that's how it is. We both have friends of the opposite sex and we both are ok with that because we don't have insecurities.

Maybe you could use the help of a counselor to get past your past issues so you can hopefully have a successful 2nd marriage. You knew from the get go he had a close female friend. Why are you trying to destroy that?

Marriage counseling.
I highly suggest the 2 of you go. You have way too many insecurities and he is not hearing you.

Marriage counseling helped us learn hoe to speak with each other and hope to listen to each other.

I totally trust my husband. I believe what he tells me.

You have had a bad experience, but that does not mean this husband is cheating.

Marriage is not making your partner do what you want. It us not demanding. It us trust and knowing you are loved. If you do not have that right now, first make sure you want to save thus marriage, then do it,

I am sending you strength.

K.

In 2008 - you said you were SEPARATED. In 2010, you said you divorced in 2007 and then in 2010 you stated you had been dating this guy for THREE YEARS.

So were you separated or divorced?
Were YOU cheating with the 2nd husband or what?

Lying and cheating are TWO different things.

If I tell you that the Grand Canyon is an illusion - that's a lie.

If we are in a MARRIAGE (or committed relationship) and I go out and have sex with another man? **THAT** is cheating.

I do NOT equate lies with cheating. I do equate it with problems in the relationship though.

YOU are holding YOUR OWN PAST and that of your ex-husband on your current husband. That's not fair. IF you met husband #2 while you were married to Husband #1 and carried on with him WHILE YOU WERE MARRIED??? You are allowing YOUR indiscretions with him influence you - because you are saying "if he could cheat with ME!?!?!?! What's to stop him from cheating ON ME!!???" At some point you have do one of two things - you trust him or you let your insecurities continue to bring your marriage down.

You are creating a problem here. You are damaging your marriage. Do you REALLY want to do that??

YOU DO NOT trust him. He's telling you what he is doing and you are berating him for it.

They are friends. And it sounds like he is a TRUE friend - one who KNOWS her past or even her present and doesn't hold it against her. MAYBE he knows something about their marriage you don't???? Did you stop to think they might have an "open" marriage?? Did you stop to think that MAYBE her husband KNOWS what she is doing? I know... I know....it happens. I know several couples who have open marriages. It's not for me and my husband - but I KNOW people have them.

Is there someone from YOUR past that you still talk to? Perhaps one that doesn't have the most stellar reputation or decisions?? Yet here you are - still friends with them....and you are telling your husband he can't be friends with someone he knew BEFORE YOU?? I don't think so.

Please find a marriage counselor. Please find a therapist for yourself. One that will get you over your insecurities. You need to step back and look at the situation you are creating by riding his a$$ like you are doing.

I don't read ahead - so I don't know if I'm in the minority here or not - but I do feel you are bringing this on yourself and you are destroying your marriage. You are creating the situation for him to lie to you. You have told a grown man, who is SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR PARTNER, that he can't do something. Really? You're not his mom. So you need to step back...and communicate with your husband.

Please read that last sentence again - communicate WITH - not TO. Do you see the difference?

You are allowing whatever happened when the two of you met (sorry - your timeline is really close and your own posts show you being dishonest - I'll reiterate - you stated "separated" in 2008. In 2010 you stated divorced in 2007 and been with said boyfriend for 3 years....IF you were really divorced in 2007 - said boyfriend was a "cheat" for you, right? Now I could be wrong. But how do I know this? I don't. Just like you don't know her. So stop judging her. Stop allowing your past to kept in your present. Get marriage counseling. Get therapy for yourself. Stop being a mom to your husband and be his partner. Stop setting up your husband to lie to you.

Good luck!!!

Julie S took the words right out of my mouth. How would you feel if you were good friends with a person who liked to drink but your husband said, oh I forbid you to speak to her because my first wife was an alcoholic...?
These are YOUR issues, not your husband's, so deal with them. Get counseling. It will help you be more confident and secure, and see things for what they ARE, not what you think they could/might be.
Of course your husband should be sensitive to your feelings but being sensitive is not the same as being told what one can/cannot do, and to whom one may or may not speak with. That's controlling and childish.

it's an unhappy dynamic, for sure. it's natural for you to be gun-shy after having been cheated on, but not healthy to project that onto your new husband. and he should be sensitive to the fact that this IS an issue for you (and would be for most of us, i think. the fact that this girl is a serial adulterer and needs your husband's 'friendship' is a red flag) and his refusal to modify his relationship with her, and to lie about it to you, don't bode well either.
i think you're both wrong. i don't think it's okay to demand that he end a friendship, and i think he's wrong to put that friendship above his marriage.
is some mutual compromise really not available here?
i'm not sure either one of you is ready for a real, mature, serious relationship.
khairete
S.

Get counseling. You have serious trust issues, for obvious reasons, but you're taking them to the point of needing to control who your husband's friends are. He was being truthful with you, but it wasn't enough for you, so now he's concealing things from you because the truth doesn't satisfy you. Even if he stopped talking to this woman (which he shouldn't have to do ), it wouldn't satisfy you - you'd either think he was doing it on the sly, or you'd think he had moved on to another woman. You can't go through your life being suspicious of people even though you were betrayed and very hurt by your first husband. Your current husband doesn't want to be compared to the other guy.

I have tons of male friends and work colleagues, and my husband has many women in the same categories. We've each met some of the other's contacts, but there are a number we haven't met. My husband has lunch with women I haven't met, I've taken business trips and stayed in the same hotel as male colleagues. But we trust each other because, like your husband, we know what that ring on the finger means. We both know that another person doesn't break up a healthy and happy relationship. What causes a relationship to fail, or someone to cheat, is the flaw that was already there.

So while I don't think your husband should be lying, and I do think that's kind of a red flag, there are extenuating circumstances. Those are: you want to determine who his friends are if you don't like something they do. So you've kind of forced his hand here.

That's why I think there is fault with both of you, and you need counseling, separately and together.

Good luck. You can put this back together if you go in with the idea of sharing feelings and expressing anger, rather than making ultimatums up front.

Is she local? You can always start to snoop on him but if you do, be ready for what you might find. I came across texts from my ex to many women he met online, only one local, but that was enough. I confronted him, gave him 30 days to make some changes... he didn't, I kicked him out and divorced him. Now I'm remarried and it took me about 2-3 years into this marriage to really let go of all the issues I had from my first marriage. Now 7 years in I can honestly say I trust him 100%. HOWEVER, we have ground rules and one is no contact with females on your own. He can't go to lunch or carpool or whatever if it's going to be him and another woman alone. He also knows that I am VERY black and white about some things and if he wants a quick easy divorce, he knows exactly what to do to get it and there is no excuses or second chances. So I don't have advice for you but if my husband flat out chose another relationship over ours, well...there would be some serious issues and he would know for sure that some changes needed to be made real quick. I don't see any reason for him to have this "friendship" with her. JMO. Good luck.

I don't like it.

No it's not cheating.

But in my opinion, it's also not OK.

My cheating ex who always stayed in touch with every female friend he ever met and cheated on me with several of them may have me jaded for sure. But at the same time, I know what healthy relationships look like in other couples I know, and in my own behavior and past relationships with respectful, loyal people.

Husbands don't need female friends who only THEY are friends with who their wives don't like (and the cheater-lady-friends don't like the wives either of course). Friends who are cheaters and who only THE HUSBANDS talk to with their OWN PHONES which they hide and lie about to their wives.

This is not how happy couples behave. This is not how good husbands behave. Granted, you sort of forced him to lie by suddenly saying you didn't want him talking to his old friend. Granted it's a bonehead perspective for him to play the "I knew her longer" card when you're his wife. But dudes are dumb. Granted he should see that a woman who cheats all over the place isn't the best secret friend for him to have. But again. Dudes are dumb.

If he is the most loyal personality type on the planet (and you should know this about him if you married him), and he ALWAYS puts your feelings first, and he would HAPPILY cut their contact down to an appropriate level of transparency and appropriateness, then he can have female friends of every spectrum of personality including home-wrecking ho's. And you could get off your high horse, keep your enemies close, and befriend her too rather than leaving them in the secret danger zone together. This woman is NOT a safe secret friend for him especially now that you've been put in the position of checking up on "them" and their secret dealings, you're making the whole thing worse. She's loving it that he says, "My wife doesn't want me talking to you so we have to keep it quiet." Ick she gives me the creeps and your husband is hopefully just clueless, not mean.

Anyway. I have never cheated on anyone. Not even casual boyfriends. I was the most upstanding wife on planet Earth. I have LOTS of male friends. LOTS of married male friends. LOTS of male FB friends. Were any of the men I knew outside of my relationships men I talked to FREQUENTLY on my own cell phone? Nope. Just gay men and work peers. Were any of them secret? Nope. Would I have kept on talking frequently and secretly to any of them if they upset my partner for any reason? NOPE. Do I have the cell phone numbers of any of my married male freinds? YUP!!! How often do I use them? ALMOST NEVER. Why would I use them? Well a few months ago one of them was having his friend look at my bathroom for me to repair it so we group texted about it. Another one was texting my from a car his wife was driving because they were lost on the way to my house...I don't NEED to be bffs with anyone's husband. Never have. Never would. Out of plain respect for their wives.I would not send them anything I would not be happy letting their wife read. Private FB messages catching up once when reconnecting after years are on the up and up and again, I'd be happy for the wives to read them, there's not ANY flirting going on.

The two men I dated after my ex: Never would have been sneaky. It's a personality type. We all have old friends, but only some of us put their feelings before spouses.

Friends that are alcoholics are not the same as friends who are cheaters. If I had a male freind who slept with lots of people's wives and girlfriends, NONE of my boyfriends or husband would have been OK with that. Unless he was just an acquaintance I saw in passing. A secret confidant in my cell phone??! Of course not. Even my cheating husband, Mr. Social, would not have stood by for that. He was jealous of my decent male friends even though my behavior was squeaky clean.

Is your behavior squeaky clean? Your husband's isn't IMO. But now you have a sticky mess to get out of or you look like the bad guy. I'd get a third party to talk to him. A buddy or whatever. He's not going to hear this from you. And if he really does continue to prioritize this old friendship over his new marriage -aside from occasionally saying that the ring means something-ACTIONS NOT WORDS-then you need to let him go because to be honest, this never feels OK. It only gets worse. There will always be new women in the picture and he'll be used to the secret friendships.

"Honey I realize I've forced your hand here by making you choose between me and your old friend. I understand why your friendship means more since it's so...old. I understand you shouldn't HAVE to quit talking to her just because I'm uncomfortable with her slutty personality. But now she's your secret friend. Which I totally get. But I don't have to accept it any more than you have to accept my feelings. So. I'm thinking we're not on the same page in this relationship and going forward this will be a serious problem that will only get worse. Do you want to try counseling or anything to see what we can both come up with, or should we just call it quits. Cuz for real. i'm not living like this."

But you have to mean it.

Good luck.

Husband #2 is NOT Husband #1.
You are putting him in a position to lie to you and hide things from you.
And, IMO, THAT is when it's wrong--when it's a secret.
What could you do/say to foster more honesty in this situation?
"Jack, I'm sorry I gave you an ultimatum about Suzie Q. That wasn't fair and I don't want us to have secrets/lie about our lives. Will you be honest with me from here forward about your relationship with Suzie Q?"

Cheating is subjective. Our thoughts are all different and we cannot answer whether having a female friend is cheating. Only you can answer that. If you and your busband have different opinions on cheating, then someone is bound to get hurt. In this case, it sounds like that person is you. He shrugged his shoulders and has pretty much told you he is not going to change the friendship, because he doesn't feel it is wrong.

This opinion can go in so many directions. In any event, he should have you at his best interest and if it makes you upset, my thoughts are he should honor your feelings.

With that said, you came out of a marriage where this previously happened. Why on earth did you get married again without discussing some things that are important to you?

I married my husband after 3 months of dating. You can be damn sure in those 3 months, I asked about the little 2x3 framed photo of his X wife on the shelf in the other room. He said he loved me and I asked if he still needed that picture of his X wife. He was annoyed for a brief moment, but he had to decide if the past or future was more important. He got up and destroyed the picture. They didn't have kids together, so there wasn't a need to have a photo of her looking me in the eyes everytime I walked in there.

When you try to control someone, it will backfire on you. Period.
You can't dictate who his friends are and if you try, you will end up on the losing end.
Of course he's hiding it from you. You're going to give him hell for talking to her.

You either trust him or you don't.
And if you don't, do both of you a favor and leave.

It is common for women to end up dating or even marrying men that share similar personalities or flaws, so it is not outside the realm of possibility that you picked another cheater. That said, you have to make sure you're not impressing the image of Husband 1 on top of Husband 2.

There is too little information here to even hazard a guess at the truth. You might be paranoid, he might be lying. It might be a little of both. You two need counseling as a couple, and you might want to think about individual therapy for yourself so that you can determine if you're able to make healthy choices in relationships. If Husband 2 is a good man and a keeper, it means you have to work on your own flaws in order to not sabotage the marriage. If Husband 2 is a loser, you need to learn how to recognize 'your type' and avoid it going forward.

I kind of agree with some of what Gamma says. She is his friend and he doesn't hold her cheating against her. It's not like she cheats on HIM.

However, I think there's a problem between you two that needs to be addressed. He's being very disrespectful for lying to you. He's already told you that he intends to keep his friendship. You two disagree on this subject, and he shouldn't be lying.

You need to find a middle ground somewhere between you. Go to a counselor and work on this. He needs to understand your feelings better because of your bad experience with your first husband. His lying and sneaking around is the kind of disrespect you got from your first husband. And you are projecting your first husband's behavior onto your new husband.

Go get some help for you both on this so that you can live together without this woman in between you.

Just because your ex cheated on you with a girl friend doesn't mean that every man with female friends has cheating on his agenda.
I have a lot of male friends. In the past, some of them were FWB's. We are still friends, even though we no longer share benefits.
I would be royally pissed if my husband told me that he wanted me to cut off contact with someone I had been frioends with since long before he and I met just because he had an ex who cheated on him.
Your husband won't talk to her in front of you because you flip out over it.
Bottom line - either you trust him to keep his pants on or you don't. If you don't, then what is the point of being together?

If it's really bothering you, I suggest you both get some counseling so you can work on your insecurities in THIS marriage. It also may give you husband insight and understanding. You may also learn how to handle and accept that your husband may have friendships that are with the opposite sex, and there is nothing wrong with it.

I guess I'm wondering why you are repeating the same cycle. it seems like you didn't learn the first time, to stay away with men that give you reason to think they're cheating. As you said, he's had this friend longer than you've known him, so you put yourself in this situation, whether consciously or unconsciously. you knew from the start that this situation existed.

having said that, my first husband was a cheater. the S. time around, I made sure to find someone I 100% KNEW I could trust. I know they are few and far between. but I would be sick if I found myself in the same situation again. and I'm sorry to the other responders, but I am with you - I'd have a huge problem with your husband's behavior.

it wasn't bad enough that he is condoning this person's behavior (by continuing to be 'friends' while she is habitually screwing around on her husband - not ok. that is condoning it. this is not a one time mistake, this is repeatedly and deliberately cheating.) I do not stay for long around people whose lives don't mesh with my own morals. so to me that is saying that he approves. so who's to say he can't justify it for himself, too? you have to stand up for what's right in your own life. your husband isn't doing that. I would have a problem.

anyway, you're in a real mess now, because he probably felt attacked, and now he feels he has to hide their friendship from you (OUCH) when you should be the one person he should be closest to, NOT hiding things from. I think therapy - and you both need to rethink things - is the best way to fix this.

you should always come first, not this friend of his. period.

Look, she isn't going anywhere and assuming that you love and trust your hubby, you should try to become friends with her. If you can have a relationship with her then there will be no hiding. Unless they want there to be - in which case, you'd leave him.

And for lying and hiding - that is not cheating. It's dishonest, yes. But you've given him no choice. There are men and women who are friends. And it's not a new friend (I'd have a problem there) but an old friend.

I would have issues with my husband talking to women secretly behind my back.

Not because my ex cheated, but because it's disrespectful.

If you don't like his behavior, treat it like any other behavior you don't appreciate - that is affecting you.

Have a serious discussion, tell him what you need in order to feel secure, if he doesn't bend at all or isn't willing to listen or compromise - make a decision.

If you feel this could be you being paranoid, deal with that. But like Secondchancer said below, I doubt you are. Women need to listen to their gut more. And just because you were cheated on, does not make you paranoid. It might just make you wiser (if you learned from it).

Good luck :)

Ok I agree with most people that you are projecting your exs behavior on to your new husband HOWEVER if this relationship bothers you he should end it. Marriage vows - hold your spouse above all else.

Now I could go to lunch with a male coworker no biggie my husband could do the same. We are trusting and not crazy jealous people.

Friends love each other and have a way of looking past each others poor judgement or flaws. We tend to get emerged in their narrative and see thibgs their way...ie justifying the cheating she's done