Can You Tell When Someone Close to You Is Hiding Something?

Updated on January 27, 2012
M.H. asks from Madison, WI
19 answers

In the first few months when I met my DH, he was hiding some details about something and it was to keep me from getting hurt. It's strange though because I could tell immediately that he was not giving all the details/truth. I don't think he's a very good liar. And I don't think he realizes the clues he gives off when he is hiding details. I’ve also recognized when he is talking to someone and he may know details about something, but he doesn’t let on, he changes the way he communicates. It’s interesting. So I was wondering how many of you can tell when DH, kids or other loved ones may be hiding something?

2nd part of my post- need to be concerned?
So my DH and a few other co-workers have been out of town in another state on a project. He's been gone almost 3 weeks now. I feel like I trust my DH but I also have insecurities about husbands and cheating. I guess b/c it's so common and I'm a little paranoid about it. My DH says he always has and always will be faithful to me. So I try to stay focused on that.
One of the coworkers is female, we'll call her Betty. I saw her once many years ago at a corporate event. She is very pretty, thin, etc. I'm sure she gets a lot of stares from the guys.
When DH and I have been on the phone throughout this last 3 weeks that he’s been gone, anytime her name comes up, he does this yawn thing I have seen him do when he is nervous about something, or not being totally truthful. I googled “yawning when lying” last night and wondered if this is common. Come to find out it can be a sign of lying. The person is trying to come off as being relaxed. Strange thing is anytime my DH has mentioned Betty in the past, he acts as if he really doesn’t care much to be around her. But I’m thinking that is not true.

Also, he, Betty and some other coworkers set up their travel together before they left. My DH uses a car service to pick him up and take him to the airport. Prior to him leaving, we spoke a couple times about how long it would take him, with traffic etc., to get to the airport once he was picked up. And the car service was even running late the morning he was to be picked up, so we were discussing how being later, and with heavy traffic might affect him getting to the airport. Not once did he mention that he had set up for Betty to be picked up after him. He said Betty overheard him booking the car service and asked him to add her to be picked up. And then they’d go to the airport together in the same car. He told me this after he arrived to his destination later that day. I said to him that he never mentioned that she was getting picked up too. He just said he didn’t think to mention it. I’m pretty sure if it was one of his male co-workers getting picked up, he would’ve said ‘well after I get picked up, we have to pick up bob too.’ I don’t mind him setting up a ride for Betty or them even being in the same car, it should be all business. But it was strange he didn’t mention it to me beforehand. Or do you feel like he just didn’t feel like it was significant to mention to me so he really just didn’t think to mention it and I should stop worrying about Betty? Or was he trying to hide it? And I wonder why he’s ‘different’ when her name comes up?
I do think he is most likely attracted to her. But do I need to worry?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thank you for all the responses so far!!!
Dad on purpose - I think you hit the nail on the head and thank you for the male perspective.
I was already so stressed about him traveling for 3 weeks. He has been traveling for the last 4 months for 2 weeks at a time and it's been so difficult for me. This 3 week trip came up with only a 1 week notice so it took both of us by surprise. Our dd gets very defiant when he is out of town. And DH knew how stressed I was about him leaving. I was crying when was leaving b/c I was going to miss him so much. And he knew it was going to be difficult for me. After reading the response from Dad on purpose all my insecurities went away about this. I think DH felt like I was already in a state of stress and he just didn't want to stress me out even more. And honestly, if he had mention Betty at that time and him riding with her - DH is very right - I would've started stressing over that. Also, he didn't even have to tell me about picking up Betty at all and he did that afternoon. He could've never said anything and I would've never know. Thank you for all the responses. Our marriage has been suffering some just due to the fact that DH has been traveling so much and hasn't been here much lately. He's coming home today and is very excited so let's pray and hope he feels like a happily married man.
Thanks again everyone!!!

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answers from Minneapolis on

I think it is VERY suspicious that he didn't tell you that his car was picking her up period. I would be concerned, that is a deliberate omission in my opinion and is fishy. Especially when you were having a VERY detailed conversation about the trip to the airport. MAYBE it is nothing, but I don't think so...sorry. I hope things work are really dumb sometimes geesh.

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answers from Columbia on

I read your question (as a guy who is very in love with his wife) a little differently.

1 - You trust him.
2 - Other guys cheating has set off your worrier.
3 - Now you're trying to intuit his behavior - not based on suspicion but to SEE IF you SHOULD be suspicious.

Just as you can tell that he may not be telling the whole story, he can feel your insecurity. Several times I have had to work with women that my wife would feel threatened by - I didn't tell her. I decided to spare turning on her "worrier", and leave out that detail. My "hiding something" had nothing to do with bad behavior, just a desire to spare her some unfounded jealousy.

I would suggest you tell him that your internal worrier was going off, and that your trust him - but did he maybe gloss over a couple Betty details (like the car service) in an effort to spare you getting unfoundedly jealous - thus inadvertantly setting off your internal worrier anyway?

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

You are perpetuating your insecurity and his behavior. Either you trust him or you don't. Jealousy will DOOM your relationship, that is a fact.
You also state "...insecurities about husbands and cheating. I guess b/c it's so common..." THAT is not true. It may your experience, but that is a broad brush to paint with.
I wish you the best. And I sincerely hope he isn't cheating. But you are creating an unhealthy environment with your behavior. Good Luck.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

I would say he may be acting this way b/c he doesn't want you to worry or think there is more to it then what it is.

He probably is having a good time with her - they have been on travel for 3 weeks and probably making the best of it. But he also probably doesn't want you to take him having a good time as "I like this person" Does that make sense?

If you trust your husband - stop thinking too much into it.

Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Do you "need" to worry?

Nope. Not at all.

What's going to happen will happen and the truth always comes out in the end.

Your worrying is not going to effect the outcome O. way or another.

My husband is a rotten liar. It's very hard for him to keep a secret. He does the yawn/side smile/smirky look.

I don't waste my time worrying.
My husband travels a fair amount and I never worry about that kind of thing.

IF I suspected my husband's faithfulness (which I really never have) I'd be looking for cold, hard facts. Not sitting at home and wringing my hands with worry. But that's me. :)

Good luck!

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answers from Jacksonville on

ETA: Boy. After reading some other responses, I had to go back and re-read your post. I overlooked a crucial thing. (I didn't have enough coffee this morning). You admitted that you are overly concerned about cheating spouses. Don't know how I missed that-- but I did. In light of that, make note of the part I mentioned about your typical thought patterns. This IS a typical thought pattern for you. So, with that in mind, I agree with Jo W. and the men who responded. You are perpetuating your own insecurities.

I think that the fact that you posted what you did here, says FAR more than anything I could say. You obviously have some questions nagging at you at this point and it doesn't sound as if this is a typical thought pattern for you (as in, some people are just paranoid or freaky jealous or been cheated on so many times that they are just waiting on it to happen again).

Not sure what to do with the information, but you know you are concerned already. You don't really need us to confirm a reason to be concerned.

For the specific question about him not mentioning picking "Betty" up on the way to the airport? Yeah... my husband would have mentioned that, just like he would have mentioned it if it was a guy. He didn't forget.

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answers from Philadelphia on

If I was married and was worried about that and it wasnt a regular jealous thing I'd like to think i could go to my husband and let him know in a calm non accusing way that he showed some signs of nervousness when talking about Betty and that him not mentioning picking her up made M. worry a little and that I'm sorry for thinking this way but would like to talk about faithfulness and what we both agree to do if/when you ever the urge to cheat or lie about flirting...I'd rediscuss how if he ever felt like he was falling out of love I'd want to be the first to know so we could work on reconnecting and also how we should be honest if we start to "like" someone a little too much and take the necessary means to avoid it becoming more...idk if that makes sense but I'd think being honest and calm would work and reconnecting and talking about your relationship and expectations. Oh and be ready to greet him in an awesome fun way to reconnect when he gets home. If you're not seriously worried I'd probably wait until he gets home and you can reconnect have a date and some "fun" then cuddle and talk i bed after

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answers from St. Louis on

I can always tell when people are lying to me, even people I hardly know.

I am also aware that what may feel like the obvious reason for holding back tends not to be the reason they are holding back.

Like in your case with Betty. Does he keep details about his working relationship with Betty from you because he is hiding something or because you seem to have a fear of being cheated on? Only you can answer that.

You need to keep in mind that absent any other reason to think he is cheating there is no reason to think he is cheating just because he doesn't share with you how much time he spends with a coworker. He may very well be reacting off your feelings.

Personally I could never date or marry anyone that fears being cheated on just because it seems like everyone is doing it. The problem is you are guilty until always being proven innocent. I am not good at playing that game and would probably act just like your husband is now.

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answers from New York on

i think he is acting fishy. just how did he forget to mention betty was being picked up too.
but i also want you to realize being nervous and worried does not do you any good. he will either cheat or not. nothing you can do can change that. what you can do is flat out ask him why he didn't tell you about car and betty, why does he act strange when you bring her up etc. show courage and that you are not afraid and make him be truthful. then deal with it. you know, best you can.

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answers from Fargo on

Can you just ask him? Worrying about this is a human reaction. It doesn't mean that you are a jealous person, it just means that your husband has been gone for 3 weeks with coworkers that include Betty and you would like some reassurance.
Maintaining trust is part of a healthy marriage. That means you need to keep trusting him until he gives you good reason not to, and HE needs to maintain trust by keeping his relationship with Betty professional, and by keeping his relationship with you an open and honest one.

Be honest with how you feel (in a non threatening way, of course).
Oh, and I am impressed with how in tune you are to body language and differences in communication! That's a skill that most people don't have.

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answers from Fargo on

Sounds like you have some good responses. The Dad's that have posted have hit the nail on the head. I have a husband who travels extensively. I am at home with 3 kids, full time job and don't get to see my husband for weeks at time. This is a norm for me. I have NO insecurties. I have a very handsome and charming husband who loves me. I trust that. Insecurities can make us crazy and over think things. I can tell you, my husband used to be very jealous when we were dating and I would intentionally omit plans or people I was spending time with because I had good intentions and his reaction wasn't worth the time. That said, it almost did ruin our relationship because no matter how much I loved him and how well intentioned I was, he couldn't see past his insecurity. At that point, it would have been easy to find something "fun." It drives a huge wedge. We had a huge blow out came to an understanding and haven't looked back. He is perfect, trusts me implicitily and I him. Fact is,if he is going to make decision to destroy our marriage and family, me constantly questioning and worrying isn't going to stop it, in fact, may make it worse.


answers from Hartford on

It sounds to me as if you're working to convince yourself of the worst possible scenario. You're so convinced that he's lying or hiding something because you're so convinced that in the past you've been 100% correct in your intuitions.

I don't necessarily think he's acting suspiciously. I think you're actively searching for things that could be seen as suspicious. You're even asking leading questions about this woman you suspect he could cheat with to try to elicit a guilty/suspicious/deceitful response from him. Stop bringing her up.

Or here's a thought. You're spending all of this time worrying when it could be better spent actually talking to your husband and being open and honest with him. You're afraid he's not being truthful with you and is hiding something, but you're doing the exact same thing.


answers from Phoenix on

Yes, you need to worry. My husband would have told me if his car was picking up anyone else, male or female. He would not have forgotten to tell me, nor would it have been an afterthought. If she is a good looking co-worker, he may think so and probably does. What he does about it is the question here, right? So you have to figure it out. You can continue to sit home and worry and maybe snoop on him, but really, if it were me, I would just ask him. And he will deny it. So then what? You would need PROOF if there IS something going on, not just feelings about it. BUT if you snoop and find something, which likely you will, then you have to be prepared with what you are going to do about that info. Google "how to tell if your husband is cheating". Lots of great articles come up. Now, maybe he is just attracted to her and not doing anything about it...hopefully that is the case, but its still fire and he could get burned. And depending on how SHE handles it is another part of your concern, and rightly so. This is a hard situation to be in and I understand it because my ex was using chat rooms and texting women. I divorced him. So I *get* it because I've been there. My husband now I trust MORE than 100%. You need to feel like that about your husband also. I hope you figure it out.

As far a physical signs your husband gives...its a proven fact that body language is a sign of what people are really thinking. My husband tends to not lie to me, but he does something physically that I know something is up. He will scratch behind his ear when something is "irking" him. It cracks me up, I know EXACTLY what he's thinking when he does it. I know you already googled "body language" but its interesting to see what it says about it. Good luck.



answers from Washington DC on

I am a jealous person due to history but have discovered that much like “Mzkitty” described-now what? You have to trust your husband that he is devoted to you, that you have a strong relationship. Does he have a reason to stray? Are you doing everything possible to keep this from happening? Men cheat when women stop doing what they did that intrigued their husband enough to want them to spend the rest of their lives together- does that make sense? When I start to have doubts like this I usually doll myself up and do something nice for my husband. Since he is on travel maybe send him something to remind him you love him. Good luck



answers from Minneapolis on

I thought I could tell.... but come to find out I couldn't. All I can say is trust your gut - I wish I had.

Also - not to freak you out too much but someone I know was having an affair w/ a co-worker... but it was just physical - neither one wanted to leave their spouse, just have a "little fun" (I cringe as I type that). The way they were able to accomplish that was by answering their cell phones EVERY TIME either spouse called - no matter what. No one ever calls hotel rooms anymore, so they could be anywhere). They would just chat w/ the spouse, mention that they were at dinner with XYZ, etc., etc. It only stopped when his guilt got the best of him.

From my personal experience (that I wish I never had) I believe he is cheating on you. The yawn is a DEAD giveaway.

Just know that if you confront him w/ out direct evidence he will lie to you and say it's not true/ your imagining things, etc. So if you want to confront him - get concrete proof... and keep a copy somewhere for potential future use. I wish I had.



answers from Milwaukee on

I don't want to worry you, because obviously each situation is very different. Something similar happened to me a few years ago (albeit with a boyfriend, not a husband). It was just simple intuition, but I had a bad feeling and questioned him on it. He denied everything, and said his "Betty" had a crush on him, nothing more. I approached Betty myself (company email layouts were standard so that was fairly simple). We met, without his knowledge, and she spilled the beans. I broke up with him. We had dated for years, and I was gobsmacked, and crushed! Looking back, I could see so many signs and indications that I had missed during the relationship because I was naive and blind to what people are capable of (via email especially!) . It has changed every relationship I had since, even with close friends, I have so little trust. I'm not jealous, but I am highly suspicious. I've been married now for 5 years, and thankfully my husband understands what I went through and is an open book, he knows we have to be able to read emails and share passwords/texts etc. It's the only way I can stay sane. Is this extreme, yes it is. But it gives me peace of mind and it works for us.



answers from Minneapolis on

I don't know. But it sounds like your marriage isn't solid, and that is what I would worry about. You two might benefit from counseling, so you can figure out how to communicate honestly, and how to trust one another.



answers from Eau Claire on

I appreciate that you admit you have some jealousy issues because of past situations, but his behavior still sounds a bit .... off, to me. Now, I will say that in my last relationship, it was him who was slightly jealous, but we got past it by keeping things completely open. Meaning, if he thought I was behaving at all strangely, he stated it flat out, right away and gave me a chance to respond. But, I will also say that I at first had a slight tendency to "minimize" things, when I knew nothing "bad" was happening, but just didn't want to upset him needlessly. Over time, I realized that did me know good and our communications cleared up and the jealousy cleared up.

Unfortunately, our roles were switched when he had an emotional affair years later, and he did behave in some of the ways you are mentioning about your DH. So I'd say, be straight forward, ask WHY he may feel uncomfortable talking about Betty with you, ask if there are any issues that he feels need to be worked on that you may be unaware of, state your concerns, in a calm, non-attacking way.

Good luck. You have every right to have suspicions, but he has every right to have a chance to explain himself, etc.



answers from Dallas on

You is your own Dr Lightman. =)

I agree somewhat with the guys. Body language really speaks volumes. If he has a 'tell' and you know what it is then like sunshine said, you should be probably just ask him why he seems ot get a little nervous when ms Betty comes up.

MY husband cannot stand it when I read his very obvious facial expressions and body language. He says body language is utter BS and I should just go by what he says... LOL

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