How Best to Help Six Year Old Deal with Hurt Feelings?

Giving a child the skills to be self confident is one of the greatest gifts she will receive. As a mom of 4 daughters, we deal with girl drama often. I find role playing with my girls works well. We often talk about the situation and what the girls would say at home so when they get back to the playground, school, etc. they feel equipped to repond and feel confident.

Navigating the complex social workings of an elementary classroom can be tough (and I am not joking in any way).

I agree that should take this opportunity to brainstorm about what a good friend and polite person is. Also, have her brainstorm some ideas about what she can do or say when things like this happen.

I would also talk to the teacher about what she sees going on and if she or he thinks there is anything that you can do at home to help her.

Hi M.!
I knowwww!! Some kids are just soooo "mean". We had somewhat of an issue with "not so nice" kids. My son is a very sweet, kind, friendly boy, so when he told me one kid wouldn't let him play with the rest of them I was upset. He did have a few really great friends but this one boy was just not "nice" to him and seemed to be singling my son out of recess games. Well, I visited my son, unannounced, during lunch and ate with him. I met all the children and they seemed to be "impressed" that "Connor's Mommy" came for lunch. They all wanted to meet "Connor's Mommy" and our school even allows for us to watch them play at recess. Well, during recess I did notice how some boys played "ball" in one corner, while some were left out. So, I walked over to my son and asked why he wasn't playing and he said that this was the game "he was not allowed" to play because of the one boy. So, I said, "get the rest of your friends and let's start our own game!" The boys who were not playing now started a game with my son and were having a great time. I sat back down and watched. In no time, the "other" boys and the one boy who did not want my son to play was asking to play with my son and his friends. My son, who has always been told not to exclude anyone, said "sure" and next thing you know, they were all playing together. Yay!! So, maybe just a little intervention on your part may change their behavior. Visit the school, help out in class and you'll be able to see what areas and behaviors need to be tweaked. It's also great just to get to know your Daughter's friends and you may also meet their Mommy's, too.

Take Care and Good Luck!
D.

There is a book out about differences by Julianne Moore. It's called Freckleface Strawberry. It's about a girl with freckles and how she feels different from everyone else when in fact it's the differences that make us unique. It's cute and might help.

Give your girl a hug and teach her now to celebrate life, enjoy the people that make her happy and ignore the ones that don't. If she shows them it doesn't hurt her, they will be less likely to try it again. It's a hard lesson and not easily learned, but it will make life easier in the long run.

I'm really sorry this has happened!

GL

I would be very honest with her
I would tell her there are people that will say hurtful things and that inturn she doesnt need to be hurtful back.
I would start teaching her compassion thats the only way to counter it. "Yes it hurts and I am sorry that you are hurt."
Tell her it doesnt matter what he thinks he is a boy.But dont sit and fret over it I think it would make it worse.
You can teach her to be strong by what you tell her to do about the silly boy who has a mean mouth on him
Chin up! Good luck

I'm extremely overprotective, too, & I want to beat the heck out of any child that hurts mine. But I don't.

I just tell my son that those people/kids who are mean to them are just sad on the inside, & the only way that they can show it is to hurt others like they are hurting on the inside. I also tell my son that when they say those things to him that he needs to walk away. Walking away will make him a better person than the ones who call him names.

I'm hoping that this will all sink in eventually! I just tell him the truth. Those kids are bullies, & his real friends won't hurt him like that. He just doesn't need to waste time with bullies because he'll be the one with more friends than the bully.

First, I don't think you are an over-protective mother just because you don't want your daughter to have to experience social pains. Any loving mother feels like you do and would jump through fire to prevent their child from feeling rejection that most likely we all have encountered at some point in our life. It is only natural to want to protect your child from that!

When my 6 year old son has gone through similiar circumstances I have tried to use the opportunity to teach him about what it means to be a good friend and how to discern who is your friend and who is not. A true friend does not hurt you on the inside or outside! It is also a good time to bring up the "bystander." ie- When you see someone being a bully, you don't just stand there and watch, you back-up the kid who is being bullied.

I agree w/the previous response about having a party at your house. I think that is a great way for your daughter to form some closer bonds w/the kids in school!

I know your situation all too well. Just the other day my 7 year old son came to me and said some little boy told him he wasn't going to be his friend anymore. There was also a time that he came home and told me that no one played with him at recess. I was so upset I just wanted to cry. However, I pulled it together and told him some kids are mean and he would have to learn to deal with the fact that not everyone is going to be his friend. I told him to make sure that he focuses on academics and himself before focusing on anyone else. I also told him that it is better to have a few good friends than alot of bad ones.

Ms. M. my family and I just recently moved to Corpus Christi, TX and my seven yr. old daughter is new at her school. She had no problem the first 2wks of school having friends, but the 3rd week of school she came to me on a Wednesday and told me that she don't have any friends, because they don't want to be her friend anymore. So, at recess she told me that she just sit down by herself and do nothing. At first I was very upset, but I asked her did her teacher treat her like this also and she said no. She said her teacher treats her very good. So, I told her as long as her teacher is treating her good don't worry about it, just get your work and do good in class and eventually the kids will come around. It happens like that at times especially when you're the new kid on the block. Eventually you will have alot of friends, thats what I told her. So, she felt a whole lot better.

I am not a dr. but here is my analysis:
Everyone fears change, so these kids are worried about the new kid making waves in their previously arranged social order.
What she needs is a posse, even if it is a small one.
You may want to have a little party at your house and invite a few of the kids she likes to develop those friendships with her. The chain reaction of these frienships may help her make more friends through those friends at school too.
She should also remember to be nice to the next new kid that comes along too.

When it comes to cruelty to others thier the same age, kids are the worst. What I used to tell my kids (15, 20, 30 & 35) was that we can't help it if others have no manners. I'm sorry to say that this is not a problem that is going to go away anytime soon. It will, more than likely, continue through high school from one source or another. As long as Madison is confident in herself and kind to others, the tide will eventually turn. (Usually to the point that, when one person says "don't be so and so's friend" someone in the crowd will speak up and tell them how wrong/crazy they are.) There is nothing harder to deal with than peer pressure but sometimes it can work in your favor.

You are a good mother. You are doing good. Keep assuring your daughter that she is special. However, you can't change the way kids are and how cruel they can be. Your daughter will just have to deal with that at school own her own. It shouldn't be so bad for her next year. She will learn to adapt quickly and stick up to herself. Don't worry too much over this. We all learn things thru our own experiences.

She is perfect in God's eyes and just the way he made her. She can chose to believe what they say or reject it in her mind. Believe she is a valued person who is perfect and she needs to pray for those who are mean. They fall short of what God sees as what is an honor to him. If we do things that do not honor him then we fall short of what is perfect too. So pray for them. My granddaughter has done this many times and ended up friends with the mean ones. Maybe I can help you to be a better person because when we say things that hurt we are not worthy. Good luck. G. W

I'm a Mom of 5 kids ,all very different personalities. My way of dealing with these situations is to teach my children , that they didn't have to worry about pleasing everyone.... some folkes aren't worth pleasing. I suggest you sit down and ask her these questions:
Was what (so&so) did something a nice person would do?
Do you want to be freinds with someone who doesn't act nicely?
Then why would you care what (so&so) thinks?
If your child is concerned that her freinds might believe the mean things the bully (and this IS just old fashioned bullying)is saying, Teach her to ask these same questions to her friends, because it will show her who her real friends are.
And little girls like to do the same thing big girls do when they need an ego boost! Take the oppurtunity to have some bonding time. Break out your makeup & give each other (I suggest temorary -LOL) make overs.
L.
BlueStar Acres

That is terrible ! My son is in kindergarten & he wore a purple shirt one day & it had cars on it & one girl told him purple is for girls ! which my son came home & told me! now he won't wear the shirt anymore! I told my son she is just jealous ! it is a very cruel world out there today ! children are very ugly ! tell your daughter just to ignore the child (easier said then done) or tell her to tell the teacher !........

Have Daddy spend some great quality time with her. A girl gets her self esteem from her father.

Dear M., teach some selfishness to your little girl. Those who call her fat and don't want to be friends with her are far from perfect themselves. Your girl is the best, and those who do not understand it can go along with their lives. There are plenty of people in this world to love and appreciate Madison the way she is. It's not over-protection. It's making sure that your girl grows up to be a very self-confident person with a high self-esteem.
Cheers,
Julia

We have homeschooled for almost 8 years, and our children still encounter bullies when they are out playing or at after school activities. I usually tell them that their parents just haven't taught them how to behave. We are actually enduring this within the family because so many of their cousins are mean and hateful....but their parents are too.

Boy its hard not to get emotional isn't it. I remember with each child seeing the hurt when they got with the real world. It was hardest to watch my son because he's just so happy go lucky and at that early age, everyday that we did something different was the best day of his life so far!!! That is why it was so hard to see him with his first encounter of rejection. Your doing good don't let her feel the negative energy from you then she won't be able to rise above it she will sink in defeat. You stay positive and she will. The last thing we experience as kids ourselves is our teenage years when we thought parents need to give us space so I think we forget how much kids like parents around. They like when we speak to them, they like for us to show interest so it will be no surprise to you when your daughter gains momentum when you show up for lunch and especially if you came to read to the class or help with a christmas ornament. Last year I asked the teacher if I could make a christmas ornament with the kids and I'll bring the supplies. We made lollipops with swirls. I cut out circles on white construction paper had the kids do two of them. They drew spiral circles from the center and circle out on both of them then we glued them to a popsicle stick, then get a piece of surran wrap and cover it and tie it yarn around the popcycle stick, get a whole punch and punch a whole in the top tie yarn and your done!!!!!!!My youngest is in junior high now and the kids still say hi to me when they see me and my son is very well liked now. Oh yeah I forgot to say that we moved here when he was in 3rd grade and had to learn his fit. I had helped with the regular craft she had set to do also we painted puzzle pieces green and put a few red dots for holly glued them to a cut our donut we made out of thin cardboard then put little red bows on them with their cute lil faces in the hole of the reef and tied lil strings from the bow so they would hang on the Christmas tree. I didn't mean to run on and on but just stay positive and let her know that when people act ugly they are sad inside. I tell mine that you never know what goes on in their life at home that they acting ugly so don't take it personal. good luck M..

I agree with alot of the responses-it is great to help build self esteem and teach your child that no matter what others say he/she is still awesome. And I even agree that parents can help at this age with teaching kids some ways to counter the bullying etc. But you should know also that kids have to find ways of dealing with this stuff on their own, cause in my experience it can be worse as the kids get older. And when your 12 year old boy is being bullied he is not going to want you to show up at school and intervene. (I mean if there is serious physical bullying you might have to.)
There are unpleasant experiences throughout life with others as well, not just school age children. So it's real important to realize that these experiences are an important part of your child's development. You can't spare them all the negatives or they will find themselves with no tools for dealing with this stuff. Life isn't all good and happy. I felt the same in the beginning. My kid was extremely kind and compassionate with others, but in that he was unusual at best.
The best thing would be if everybody taught their kids not to pick on others. I've talked to some parents who were clueless that their kids were the bullies. They refused to believe that their child could be doing these behaviors. So these parents were seeing their kids through rose colored glasses as we all want to-but then who are the people doing the bullying?
Yes, sadly your child is going to lose his innocence as we all do and that is very hard for Mom. Remember he/she won't stay little forever and you are preparing them for life.

Explain to her that everyone has a bad day sometimes and maybe those children were having a bad day so they said things they normally wouldn't say.

Make sure she knows that you love her and reassure her that words are sometimes painful but, they are just words.

I am sure there's a book out there somewhere that addresses these issues or you could talk to the school counselor to get a more professional opinion.

J.

I am a mother of 2 and grandmother of 4, so I have had everything thrown at my children/grandchildren and myself. I have learned through these years to trust in God. Let your child know that when someone doesn't like her that God and you love her and always will love her. I always said "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me." That is really a good saying that little children can relate too. Also, mention that it is the 'mouthy' persons loss for not wanting your child to be their friend. Encourage her to not hate or dislike the meany child, but to forgive them and find someone that will be their friend.

Hi M.,
I am a mother of four +three stepchildren and the grandmother of 16. I understand the way this type situation causes a mother's heart to hurt for her child.
It is not too early to help Madison know how valuable she is, not just to you but also to God. To simply say to her that God loves her just the way she is, even if others say mean things. She can always know He loves her and is with her at all times. All of us have a very basic need to feel significant and valued. So when hurtful things happen we can take comfort in the truth that our real value comes from the One who made us, that there is a God who not only knows our needs and our hurts, but that He made us for a purpose. Madison's prupose right now is to be obedient to her parents and to learn how much God loves her.
Usually people who are hurtful are really also hurting. The best way to conquer an "enemy" is to make him/her your friend. So responding in kindness can often disarm the other person's anger. You might also show Madison the story in Matthew 18:1-11, where Jesus drew a little child near to Him and spoke of how much we all need to be child-like.
These type hurts may come over the years of Madison's growth, but when we as parents can equip our children with a deep sense of personal worth, it somehow softens those blows. And the truth is, times that we hurt are often opportunities that make us stronger. Praying for you, Mammy