Is This Bullying? - Charleston,SC

Updated on May 16, 2012
A.L. asks from Charleston, SC
23 answers

My 9 y/o daughter came home from school yesterday saying none of the girls will play with her at recess anymore. She says she either has to play by herself or with the boys.(as she gives an eye roll) When she asks the girls individually, they tell her they have to check with "Emma". Little history to Emma. She is a bossy and "in charge marge" type of kid. She's been in my daughter's class before and I have personally witnessed the behavior. Up until now, I guess my daughter has been on Emma's "good side". For reasons unbeknownst to me or my child, she is excluding her now. My daughter has even asked her why, and Emma says because she already has enough people to play with and doesn't need or want anymore in her "group". Wow.

Now a little about my child - she is a drama queen, so I'm not sure exactly how much of this story is true vs. embellished. Should I mention this to the teacher and ask her to watch the girl's behavior during recess or just tell my child that this kid and the rest of her followers aren't worth her time? I've already told her that she needs to stand up to Emma and tell her that she's mean and hurts her feelings. My child is worried that then Emma will go tell on her to the teacher. UGH!!!!

I can't believe the bitchiness starts this young. Thanks mamas!

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So What Happened?

Thanks moms and dads! This has been going on for about a week and a half, and yesterday was the worst. Funny thing is, I volunteered at school today and decided to go to lunch/recess with my daughter's class while I was there. I packed a few jelly beans left over from Easter in her lunchbox, and just guess who is the first person to come over and ask my child if she could have some in a sugary sweet voice? EMMA! Ugh! I was so proud of my child when told her that had already promised some to other classmates so she didn't have enough to give her today, but maybe another time. (She said it all on her own, no prompt from me.) Little miss bossy pants looked defeated and just walked away. I refrained, but I so badly wanted to stick my tongue out at her and scream ha ha ha brat! :)

At recess, which there are only 2 classes on the playground and one leaves about 5 minutes after my daughter class gets there, my daughter played with a few girls from the other class. After they left, one of the girls from her class asked her to play. Once Emma saw them, she went up to them (in front of me and the teacher which was PERFECT) and stated that she guessed it was ok today for them to play together, but she wasn't sure about tomorrow. The teacher totally called her out and told her she couldn't tell anyone who to play with. Hopefully problem solved. I told my daughter that this girl and girls like her are the ones to avoid in the future and that they are not friend material. She agreed and said she didn't need them anyway.

Have a great rest of the year and hope it's drama free for all!

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M.E.

answers from Chicago on

Just typical mean girl behavior. And sorry, but some kids are just mean, and there is no other word for it. We are having the same issue right now. I don't sugar coat it for my daughter. We talk about kids being mean and how to handle it. I want my daughter to be able to stand up for herself and deal with them. My daughter actually prefers to handle it herself and does not want me to contact her teacher.

2 moms found this helpful
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R.Y.

answers from New York on

It could be bullying or not depending on the details. I'd talk to the teacher to request she not be in the same class with this child next year.

1 mom found this helpful

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J.S.

answers from Columbia on

There will be many more "Emma's" in your daughters life. (There are even some on MP!) :)

DD can't "make" emma play with her, so I don't see the end goal for standing up to her and calling her mean.

I would suggest you work with DD on developing the skills to not worry about others' approval and do her own thing. Who cares what Emma says or does?

DD just needs to realize that the approval of others is not a necessity to a happy life, and this is a perfect opportunity to practice. :)

10 moms found this helpful

J.B.

answers from Houston on

IMO, by having your daughter tell Emma "she's mean.." is creating the confrontation and could be perceived as being the bully.
I would tell your daughter that everyone is different and sometimes people change and encourage her to find new friends to play with. And that sometimes people don't always stay friends forever. If it's open recess, I'm sure there are no less than 60 kids on the playground at that time, have her be the hero and find someone else who is playing alone. Just my .02

9 moms found this helpful

T.M.

answers from Redding on

I dont think it's bullying. It's part of the "alpha" girl syndrome.
Might be a good time to ask your daughter if she might like to start talking to some other girls that look like they could use a new friend, maybe suggest that she approach some of the loners or shy girls.
Tell her that Emma will probably change her mind next week anyway.
They are just "little women" being how we are.

6 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

no, it's not bullying. it's not nice and it's not okay, but it's real and every kid had better learn how to deal with it. the best way to do so is to develop confidence and self-esteem that will over-ride any need to belong to the queen bee du jour's clique.
what will the teacher do? force emma to let your daughter in? wouldn't work.
be supportive and sympathetic but don't buy into the drama by making it a bigger deal than it is.
khairete
S.

5 moms found this helpful
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C.L.

answers from Dallas on

It DOES start that young though...this sounds exactly like how things were when I was 9. I don't think it's bullying, I think it's just girls being girls, and it only mildly gets better through high school. Your daughter is going to be back in Emma's good graces soon enough, and some other little girl will be playing with boys for a couple of weeks. But Emma will probably get fat and lose her looks in a couple of years and her power will waiver and another little girl will take her place as queen.

I think the best thing you can do is to try and teach your daughter that being Emma's friend is not nearly as important as Emma thinks it is, and maybe she can share that information with some of the other little girls and break up the "group" a little bit.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Oh, yes, Girls can be so mean to each other!

You need to explain to your daughter that Emma probably has some self-esteem issues and that's why she treats people that way. Being mean to people helps her to feel better about herself. Explain to your daughter that we should feel sorry for people like Emma. It's sad that a person must hurt another to feel good about themselves.

If your daughter can start seeing Emma in this light, she will no longer be hurt by anything Emma says - it will invoke empathy, not anger or hurt.

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D..

answers from Charlotte on

I wholeheartedly agree with Dad on Purpose - wow - the way some of the posters talked to a mom here yesterday when she didn't write paragraphs in her original post to suit THEM was like right out of elementary or middle school. Bullies indeed. Added - I KNOW the whole story and I don't blame her. Again, she fixed the mistakes and told everyone that she had. She just didn't put paragraphs in, and for THAT, she was read the riot act. She was bullied, pure and simple.

I also agree with Dad on Purpose about how to work with your daughter. But you should also go to the teacher and and the guidance counselor about this. Emma needs some intervention. She is a Miss Hilly (reference - the movie The Help) in the making and the school needs to put a stop to this. They also need to talk to Emma's parents about her actions.

Make sure you tell the teacher to leave your daughter's name out of it while working on this issue.

Good luck,
Dawn

4 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Chicago on

I would talk to the teacher about it and see if she has noticed anything in the classroom. My daughter went through something very similar last year and at the beginning of this year.

With last year's problem, the teacher and I talked quite a bit and the teacher addressed the situation with the girls and a few apologized to my daughter. This year, I surprised my daughter at school during lunch and sat with her. I observed first hand what was happening. It was strange, the girls in question did not alter their behavior. They ignored my daughter and me as well. One girl going so far as to turn her back to us. I also observed them at recess.

This led to a discussion with my daughter about what it means to be a friend and how we treat friends. I said that the particular group of girls she was eating lunch with did not want her friendship and that is okay. I told her that there were plenty of other girls in her class/grade that she could be friends with and that were perfectly nice girls. She agreed and went on to make new friends and is pretty happy.

In my daughter's case, she was hung up on being "popular" and hanging out with the popular girls. She found out that the popular crowd gets nasty fast and she's witnessed other girls fall victim to the popular girls' whims.

Good luck and I hope things get better for your daughter.

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M.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Of course it is bullying-its called exclusion. And any school that has a policy will have this in it. I think that you should have a talk with the teacher and find out what the deal is. At least let her know what is going on and see if she or the guidance counselor can intervene here. You do not want this to go on too long as the more a child is treated like this the more the rest of the students see her as the victim and will treat her badly.

3 moms found this helpful

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Yes and no. Excluding one person from a group is bullying. There is also the threat of not being a part of the group if the other girls don't comply with not letting her play. The thing that kind of makes it not is this is only one girl and the other girls are giving her that power.

I am just guessing here but if your daughter is outgoing there is a chance the other girl feels threatened. She is afraid the other girls might break off and stop playing with her. If that is the case then the best course is for your daughter to have fun. To play as if she doesn't exist. Then the rest of the girls will figure out where the real fun is. :)

3 moms found this helpful

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

Good for your daughter for TRYING to figure out why Emma doesn't want her anymore!! that's a GREAT attribute - taking the bull by the horns!!!

I would talk with the teacher PRIVATELY to ask her to see what's happening on the playground. Since you know your daughter can be a drama queen - to get the teacher's point of view would be nice. If you can - maybe you can find out when recess is and go to the school and hang out where your daughter can't see you and observe the scene yourself.

Yes. She needs to tell Emma that her exclusion is hurting her feelings. Doing that will open her up to more ridicule - be prepared for that - especially if Emma goes unchecked with her behavior of being "in charge Marge". What I see all too often? Is the child who is the "bully" on the playground is the one being bullied at home by her parents. Or they have NO control over their life - even at 9 they should have some control and say in what they do - so they take the control and say out on the playground.

It's been mentioned on here that there are bullies here on MP. That's true. There are.

There is also mention of responders being mean to a poster because more than one person could not read through her run-on sentence post and told her so in their responses....the poster then blasted the people who couldn't read it. Sometimes it helps when you know the WHOLE story and not just "one side".

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C.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

My son has been bullied and I think this sounds more like girl drama than bullying. Since it's the end of the school year I don't think I would say anything. I think it's good if she tells "Emma" that this behavior hurts her feelings, but I wouldn't tell her she's "mean." Any kind of retaliation is viewed very negatively. Although my son has been bullied, he likes to retaliate and then quickly loses credibility as the "victim." We are working on that. Friendships evolve and change quickly at this age and there could be completely different dynamics next fall. Oh, my son can be a drama king too and I often try to verify what he tells me. I usually find that it's mostly true, but he embellishes a little or leaves out the parts that might make him look less than 100% innocent. One time when I didn't fully believe him it was a very serious situation which I found out about from the mom of another boy who had witnessed it. Then I felt really, really bad that I hadn't fully believed him. It can be so hard to know exactly what's going on. In this situation though I think I would just tell your daughter to grin and bear it for what's left of the school year. Good luck.

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Does your daughter have the option of talking to her teacher herself?

I have a 9 year old, too (a BOY, thank God! LOL) and I encourage HIM to speak up to his teacher about things that happen. (Much less drama with boys though!) They can ask to speak to the teacher privately.

I'll bet the teacher would LOVE to be aware of what "Emma" is doing!

3 moms found this helpful

N.G.

answers from Dallas on

I know, girls can be so darned mean, and they start young. My 8-year-old actually prefers to hang out with the boys at school for that very reason. She girls are just too catty for her. But she does have some girl friends, and when something like this happens to my daughter (and it has, as recently as the other day), I don't get involved unless she specifically asks me to. She tells me what happens, tells me how she feels about it, and then I ask her how she would like to handle it. Kids need to figure out their place in social groups on their own. I don't think it ever really helps when parents try to butt in (unless, of course, your child is being truly bullied or physically harmed). I also try not to give too much advice, but I will tell my daughter a story about something similar that happened to me when I was young, how I chose to handle it, and what the outcome was. She likes knowing that these types of situations are normal, that she's not being singled out, and that she gets to choose how it is handled. She usually doesn't get too bothered by bullying because she'd rather not hang around mean girls anyway.

That said, my heart breaks into a million pieces when my daughter gets her feelings hurt by her peers. Kids can be so mean!!!

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A.N.

answers from Madison on

Ugh! Girl drama! I encountered this in FIRST GRADE - there were two girls who put my daughter in the middle of their spats, telling her they couldn't play/be friends with the other. It totally sucked!

I would also suggest to your daughter that she could talk to her teacher about it - it may give her a confidence boost to try to resolve the conflict on her own. But I would also follow up with the teacher, if for nothing else, to request they not be placed in the same classroom next year. If the teacher is aware of the situation, she would probably do that on her own, but I would definitely follow up. I agree with most that it's not really bullying, but having your daughter confront Emma, it could escalate to just that.

Good luck! Unfortunately, it's probably not the last conflict you're going to encounter.

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S.S.

answers from Cincinnati on

I wouldn't consider this bullying. Just very mean. I think if a kid is being bullied then someone should step in, otherwise I think there are some things kids have to work through themselves, that could mean your kid trying to talk to this girl or just finding new people to play with. As much as we may like to sometimes parents can't do everything for their kids or the kids will never learn how to do anything for themselves.

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A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

If Emma was threatening your daughter and making her afraid, hitting her, making fun of her, making her cry etc, that to me is more bullying.

I would tell your daughter Emma is mean and she should ignore her and play with other girls. Teach her how to say, "Emma's not your boss, let's play!" Encourage her to tell the teacher when she has been "turned away" by the "group" and her feelings are hurt. I would also let the teacher know what may be happening, and have her assist in making sure your daughter (or any other child for that matter) is not alienated at school. I don't see why a teacher couldn't "assign" play groups a couple of times during activities or even recess. She should also call a class meeting in which she explains to kids what type of mean behavior (excluding each other) is not allowed. My daughter went to a Christian K4 with strict bully policies, and this certainly would not have gone unchecked in any of the grades in class or on the playground.

If things continue or get worse, I would have a little talk with some parents, including Emma's in a "let's all solve this together" type of way, not an accusatory way, and keep on it. Good for you for realizing it may be embellished, but be prepared.

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K..

answers from Phoenix on

I wouldn't call it bullying, I would call it "mean girl" syndrome, which goes on for quite a long time & which our children will be subjected to on a regular basis.

I would encourage my daughter to realize that NONE of these girls are friends & to find another circle to play with. Chances are there are other girls feeling the way she does & could use a friend too.

I would also tell her to stand up to the mean girl & respond by telling her that it's okay if she doesn't want to be her friend, because she doesn't like to be friends with mean people, anyway.

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K.K.

answers from Phoenix on

i would mention it to the teacher and get her take on it- wouldn't hurt anything. btw i was shocked to learn that this behavior starts as early as 3 y/o and it is a form of bullying. i recently read an article on the scholastic website that states it is exerting power and control to exclude a child from the group. it happened to my special needs daughter in preschool. a little girl would tell her "you can't come to my house/play w/ etc...us because you don't have long hair". turns out the 3 y/o girl is bullied at home by older sibs. sad :(

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M.G.

answers from Kansas City on

Kids, especially girls, can be very mean.

I would mention your concern to the teacher. I'm not sure how long you have left in your school year, we only have a week left. Perhaps the school counselor could be called in to talk to the class as a whole. Unfortunately, the other girls are giving Emma her power, and right now she has a lot of it. She is a dangerous girl to watch in the years to come!!

Good Luck.

M

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J.S.

answers from Tampa on

sounds like the start of the set from the movie "mean girls" UGH

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