Help with a Dad That Tries to Be There, but NOT.

Dear K.. I truly understand your concern. I too have 2 beautiful boys and a Dad that well frankly isn't. Only when the Bug of playing Dad hits him which is few and far between. Been 6 years since our divorce and though we are civil to each other one thing I've learned is you can't make someone be a father if they don't want to. I for many years pushed, begged, tried to get him to be involved untill one day i realized it just wasn't worth it. Worse thing is both my boys have autism among others things and really needed the father figure. Luckily after so many years I finally met a wonderful man and the boys have the father they've always waqnted. I still deal with their biological father when the bug hits him but most importantly my boys are happy. You need to pick the less of two evils. Yes your children are unhappy ut they are children non the less. As long as you are happy and are there for them they will be just fine. Just learn to except and let go. his loss. yes it hurts but it's worse for him to keep getting the bug as I call it and be in and out causing and emotional roller coaster for the kids. Than for you to help them accept the fact that Dad loves them but just doesn't know how to be Dad. that though it hurts, it by no means is their fault and everything will be ok. Never dought yourserlf K.. You will always do what's right. I'm sure you are a great mom. Just trust in yourself and do what you feel needs to be done. Good luck to you and hugs to your angels. And remember you as all of us moms are strong and fighters. Don't ever feel a failure. Failure is when you give up and stop believing. Everything will be fine.

Look into big brothers centers. They can have a male to relate to and talk about male things (that mom just will never understand) with. Just someone who is a good influence to hang out with and talk to. You may also want to look into your church to see if they offer such a program. Also dont force the father to be a dad. One day he may realize how much he missed and the only person he can blame is himself. And if he never realizes it then your boys are better off learning how to act like man from you and your family. Forcing it will only make everyone involved miserable.
Good luck
S.

Hello. I do understand what you are dealing with. I have been divorced for about 2 1/2 yrs. When me & my x husband split, my daughter was 2, my son was 2 weeks old. I tried to resolve the differences between us, and to help him form a bond with the children. He didnt, so I started to date and I met a really nice guy. My daughter missed her dad, and couldnt understand how he could be gone one minute and here the next. One time after he had been gone for about 6 months, she told him (she was just 5), that she didnt want to see him because he would hurt her again. He promised he wouldnt and she cried, she told him she loved him and she needed him, I stood there with the tears rolling down my face. 2 weeks later he was gone. Its been about 5 months since he has seen the children, and I told him he will not see them again. Until my children are of age to make that decision. Right or wrong (and some think I am wrong), but I wont let him hurt them. He even went as far to tell me that he didnt want anything to do with my son because he didnt really have a relationship with him, he only wanted my daughter. As far as im concerned that will NEVER happen, he will never make my son feel less important then my daughter. Its not my sons fault that we divorced when he was an infant. On the brighter side.. I started dating someone when I was going through my divorce. 3 years later,he is still here. My children call him daddy, and my daughter just said the other day, that she loved him the most, he was her daddy and she picked him !! I laughed, she did a better job at picking a daddy for her then I did. Tim is wonderful with my children, he treats them as if they are his own, and he says all the time, these are his children. He tucks them in, he is there for thier birthday, he is thier daddy. As hard as it is, to deal with an absent parent, sometimes they are better without them. I also grew up with a run-away dad, and I have 4 sisters, and we all ended up just fine. Your boys will be ok. The most important thing is that they have a mom that loves them, takes care of them, and cherishes them. Everything will work out.

you know i have been through they same thing with my kids dad i tried everything i could to get him to be there and he doesnt want to soall i could do is move on and hope one day he will come around because im tired of my son getting hurt i just hope one day they will have a father ,just give it to god he answers all prayers in time god bless

I have gone through the same thing with my daughter's dad. She is six and is now old enough to understand when her dad is not around. I still wonder if I am doing the right thing by even bothering to try and get him to see her. I had a man who grew up without a dad tell me once that no dad is better than a bad dad. While it may hurt my daughter, I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to put her and myself through it anymore. If he wants to grow up and be a dad then that's on him but I am not going to break my back to get him to be a dad anymore. In the end, your kids will see you have done everything you can.