Lack of Visitation

Divorce is hard, especially on the children. When dad can't come around, for whatever reason, the child may feel that he isn't loved anymore or that something he did caused the split. I am a big proponent of being mature in a divorce and realizing that you aren't the only one that was hurt. I know parents who have continually blamed the other spouse in front of their children. I even knew teenagers who were told after the split that daddy didn't want them or love them anymore. While it might make mommy feel safer and more secure in the child's love, it makes the child feel unloved, unwanted, and insecure. I'm not saying that's your situation, I'm just letting you know what the child may be feeling right now.
The best thing to do is be as honest as possible, telling them what is happening as far as they can understand what you are telling them. A 12 year old will understand what divorce means, and he may even understand more than you think. The best thing to do would be to explain kindly that mommy and daddy aren't living together anymore. If daddy chooses not to visit, you might explain that daddy is so busy getting his new life in order that he doesn't have a lot of time (or it's too far to travel often) but that he still loves the child. If daddy can't have visitation because of bad choices, you could also explain that daddy is having a hard time right now, and not making good choices. Explain that while daddy loves his child, he needs some time to get his life together and make better choices before he comes to visit. Whatever the reason, don't place blame or get angry. Make sure that the child knows that daddy and mommy both love him/her and that daddy will come to visit as soon as he can. Remind him that while daddy may be gone for a little while, you are still there and will always be there.

Hi B.:
I recieved some excellent advice,when I first got divorced,and my ex abandoned his sons.I will pass it on to you. I was told, Never, ever, (bad mouth) or (put down)your childs father,in the presence of his kids.His disreguard,his cruelty,his failure to support,those may all tear your heart apart,but don't share that with his son.Allow him to form his own opinion of him.Children are natually protective of their parents,and if they feel that parent is being picked on or scruinized,they are quick to defend,and as he gets older,your son may begin to feel sympathy for his father as a result.You don't need to make excuses for his father,but don't put him down. You don't need to offer explanations. If he asks,simply tell him, that his dad must have had A busy week.Let his dad explain,why he neglected him.Just for the record...I raised both my sons,minus their father in their life,and they turned out just wonderful!It hurt for a while,but they both moved on with their lives.The very best to you and your darlin son

it really depends on the situation. I tell my son that his father can't take care of himself, so he couldn't possibly take care of him. He has had other children and doesn't see them either. I try to keep in touch with the other mothers. Maybe with more info, I could address it better for you.

If your son, needs a "male" figure and role model...which is what they seem to "miss" inside them & emotionally... a great resource is the "Big Brothers/Big Sisters" organization.

Here is the link:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/H...

My friend, a single parent, has a boy almost the age of your son. She got him a "big brother" and it has been invaluable in helping her son feel better inside...AND it provides him with a "needed" male figure to help him grow up. It can also help them adjust and "prevent" dislocated negative behaviors...especially as a pre-teen/teen. It's positive for them.

I would suggest this. Boys need something that Mommy cannot always provide sometimes. My friend's son really looks forward to "his" time with his big "brother."

There is also a book "Raising Boys" and "Raising Cain" that is about raising boys!

Always let your boy express his emotions... boys are often taught they have to be "tough" and emotionless. But this can cause problems for them. Nurture his entire self. I'm sure you do and love him very much.

I wish you the best, and take care....
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Let me start by saying "oh my gosh", I completely feel for you. That being said, you are doing everything you can. Just raise him and love him and be supportive of him. I would say that if he doesn't want contact with his father, then he shouldn't have to have it. He is old enough to form his own opinion of him. Also, don't let yourself be the bad guy. If he asks about his father, think of something nice to say about him. Remind him of a good memory about his father. He has enough bad memories to last a lifetime. And last but not least, take time for yourself. The best thing you can do for your family is to be happy. If you need time to yourself, take it. You may even want to date eventually. You can still be a good mother and date someone. It might help you heal his image of a man/father/husband.

Good luck, stay strong. You love your family and they know it.

tell him how much you love him and honesty is always best.and let them know is not their fault and dad loves him.

Tell him when he grow up more then you will explain to him Why his dad is not around. You should allow him to contact his dad. if the situation is really good. If not just let him know that you are there.