Loyalty Issues in Divorce Situation

N.,

Stick with your policy not to bash Dad. Even unintentionally. As a child of divorce, my father did the same thing to my mother. My mother stayed strong & always said, "He's your dad, he'll always be your dad." To this day, I have taken my mother's stance as I am a single mother. My son has no respect for his father because he wasn't there for him. I highly respect my mother even though there's plenty she could have said to bash my dad. You will win in the end. It might be a while, but they will respect you for it.

Best to you:)

my ex is still doing it to me too. I think the one who did wrong is feeling guilty and blaming the other for thier mistakes. Some people just can't accept responsibility for what they have done wrong its easier to blame someone else as a whole. The kids don't need to be trapped in the middle but will realize one day who was in the wrong and he will have to answer for bashing thier mom. Mine didn't realize it till he was 20. he still has a reluctancy to say dad was wrong(the unconditional love thing). I think deep down inside he knows it but doesn't want to accept it.

Keep doing what your doing and yes I do know how fustrating it is constantly being told its your fault. your evil. etc. I know its easier said than done but let it roll off your back the truth will come out in the long run. Your kids will eventually see this. They willl tell him what he wants to hear to pacify him which is sad but also a natural defense system. How long have they been living there? kids with divorced parents tend to want to live with the other non custodial parent until they do. I had a friend who had 3 kids. all 3 kids wanted to live with dad at one point or another and she let them. 6-9 months they went back to her. The daughter did this more than once but she was daddys girl.

The boys only did it once. My step kids did the same thing. I told thier dad when they did It probably wouldnt last and what had happened to my friend. sure enough it lasted 4 months and they went back to mom. So if it hasn't been very long don't be too suprised if you get a phone call saying can I come home. But they may only be staying there so they can be with their friends not dad. its harder for a teenager to start all over cause high school is so hard to fit into.

Being the new kid makes it harder. Keep your chin up this too shall pass. Most **** usually does unless your constipated. :)

My sons are the same way, they did stay with me, I remarried, I about killed myself to get them everything they ever needed.Their dad somehow figured out a way to get assistance and didn't work. And doesn't have to. And my sons are aged 25 and 19. They run when he calls, they left my house on Christmas day to drive to Missouri to be with him. He has attempted suicide a couple of times so they are walking around guilty all the time and worry that if they do not do what he wants they will cause him to end his life. My 'poor pitiful ex' husband has made every holiday a living hell. As well as every occasion. He has been invited to everything but doesn't come or he would show up in the neighborhood the day of birthday, graduation, etc. and sit in a parking lot across the street and make my sons go out to him and entertain him for an hour despite their guests being here. He did not attend my second son's highschool graduation nor see a show 'Highschool musical' that my son had a starring part in. Yet no matter what they keep running and come back acting like they hate me. While they love my husband (stepfather) the man has done so much for them, they reamain flawlessly loyal to my ex. The man has done so many things to these boys. A lot of time they would wait with their little backpacks and he would not show up.Then he would show up at an alternate unplanned for time and expect them to drop their lives for him. Even up to a month ago he stopped through town at night, and the boys went and picked him up at the train station and went to a hotel with him in the middle of the night despite their early morning classes and jobs awaiting them. So my friend, you are not alone at all. I am sure there are many more women willing to share their stories with you. But all in all, the poisoning they do against us will be
seen, I am sure our sons see it now but are trying desperately to win dad's love which sounds like it will never come, as the man is incapable of it.

Ugh... I'm sorry you and your family are having to go through this. The first thought that comes to mind is getting counseling for yourself and if possible for the family. Personally, I would even see about co-parenting counseling or classes so he can see how he is hurting your sons (hopefully.) I actually had it put in my court order that there be no bad-mouthing of the other parent...
According to everything I know about co-parenting situations, you are making the right choice by not bashing him and eventually your sons will catch on to what their father is doing (they may have already figured it out, but have to go along to stay with him.) I would just keep the healthy, loving relationship with my kids.

I am not an older lady that has gone through it but I can give you the childs perspective.
I had it on both ends when my parents divorce. My father had weekend visitations so every weekend I'd hear this or that about my mother & come Sunday night I'd get an ear full about my father.
What your husband does not realize is that he is not punishing you, but in the long run he is punishing himself.
As I grew older & grew out of childish mind games I became disgusted with them thinking, "I'm only 15, my parents are double my age yet acting like children". I got to the point where I stopped visiting my father all-together because I was tired of the drama. Your boys are old enough now to look at their father as he bashed you & think "Are you serious?? You've told us that how many times?".
I know it concerns you & you do not want your relationship with them to be tainted but give it time. The older they get the more they will float to you & the stronger your bond will become when they realize(if they haven't already) that contrary to their fathers beliefs you are not medusa & your head doesn't literally spin once a month.
Just as KK said, you will win in the long run & they will respect you more for it.
Keep your chin up darling!

first off, you KNOW when this happens. you just do, and if you ever saw it you'd know, it's obvious. i am the oldest of 4 kids who went through something similar. the only thing is, i was legal age through it all while my younger siblings were not, and had to go through all the tug-of-war. i told my mom all along, when they are adults and see what all of this actually did to each of us, and the family, they will know who actually had THEIR interests at heart. this sounds like a lot more extreme case, like witholding them from you basically, which my father never did. once your boys are older you have every right to ask them, "hey, do you want to talk about what happened with me and your dad?" and try to tell your side of the story. but i wouldn't push it until they are older, like 19 or 20. or unless they come to you. my brothers are both adults now (at least legally), when when their father or stepmother are mentioned they just kind of roll their eyes, where they used to be best buds with them. psychotic, toxic behavior is not just one person's opinion. that's how this person IS, and there's no hiding it. give your boys some credit, try to hang in there and be a GOOD mom to them. don't bribe them, don't give in and dad-bash...you're doing the right thing.

I had much the same situation with my x. I decided to go to counseling with my children. The counselor recommended to the court that my x not be custodial parent and not be allowed visitation while he was in court ordered counseling. His reasoning was: my sons needed stability and their father's behavior was adverse to creating it. Also, the "poisoning" of their view of all women was being tainted by their father's inability to cope with rejection (by me, a woman). The counseling for their father was to help him with his issues of rejection, anger management, and proper parenting skills. wish you well.

#1 in front of the kids I would tell him & them in no uncertain terms that this conservsation is between A & B so C your way somewhere else. Then I would proceed to tell him that his childlessness has got to stop, grow up, and be a father to his children & not a large beligerent child hell bent on being pitiful, and acting hurt. because pitiful is just that ( PITIFUL!)

I think one thing that is working for you is your boys are growing up and starting to see things for themselves. Unfortunately you can't change someone - and those poor me people drive me nuts also. The way I would handle it is in positive reinforcments - tell your boys you are sorry for the way he feels - but you are happy in your life now. Tell them you want them to be happy in their lives - point out their father is a good father - just maybe not a good husband for you -soon they will get sick of his negative campaign also.

N.,
I'm not in your situation. But I did grow up with divorced parents. My mom never badmouthed my father (even though there were PLENTY of topics and reasons she could have), she encouraged visitation, etc. All I can tell you is your kids WILL see the situation clearly O. day. Be a loving and supportive mother and let your ex's actions/words speak for themselves. They will soon be old enough to view you as, not only a "mom" but a woman and they WILL understand O. of these days. They may come to see his love as "conditional" and stilted. Hang in there!

Remarried and moved away

N.,

How long after your break-up before you remarried and moved away? Were your boys 15 and 17 when you moved away or younger? They may have chosen to stay with their dad so he wouldn’t be alone or because they consider your current husband, (true or not), part of the reason that you are no longer a family.

I salute you for not bashing your children’s father in front of them. Unless your kids feel that you abandoned them by moving away and choosing your current husband over them, they will eventually understand the reason for the divorce.

For now it appears that the boys do side with dad. Does their father threaten to throw them out if they don’t side with them and they don’t want to live with you and your 2nd husband? Do they actually tell you what he says about you? If it’s bad, you can petition the court through an attorney to have that stopped. It not good for your children and they just might feel they have no place to go where they will feel comfortable and secure.

You didn’t say much about your new man, how does he get along with your children?

Divorce is never easy, even when you are the one to initiate the split. Speaking from experience, trying to achieve success with a blended family is very difficult, especially with teenagers. The second time around with kids, often ends in a 2nd divorce.

When our children are hurting, we hurt….no way around it. There is just no easy answer, but you are not alone.

Blessings……

Hi, N.;

First of all, how do you know that this is happening?

Secondly, Go to your nearest Family Mediator at your local mediation center and see if you can mediate your differences.
Find a local Co-Dependents Anonymous Support Group in your area.
Good luck. D.