Dealing with the Past

I know what you are going threw! I am a 26 year old single mother of two, one boy 8 and a little girl 6. I was in a relation ship for 9 years and the whole time I knew he was cheating on me. The other problem was he abused me. Not just phisically, but mintally all so. I have been a way from him for all most a year now and I will tell you that it will get better with time. The only way that I made it threw was my family friends and my new relation ship with God. Right now you need to take time for your self and your doughter. I know how hard it is to be alone. But you are not! You need to work on you and your baby girl. Trust me if you dont work on these problems then the next relation ship that you get into will not work. You will all ways be looking for him to do the same things! I would love to keep in contact with you and be a friend to you. That way you know that you are not a lone. My e mail address is ____@____.com. Please keep in touch. I will be here no matter what. A.

I was divorced after seven years of marriage, and while my divorce wasn't a surprise, it still made me very sad. I took a time out. I know that won't be as easy for you because you have a wonderful daughter to care for, but I didn't date and didn't even think about it for awhile. I got into various hobbys that I enjoyed, it was summer so I did a lot of hanging out by the pool and soaking up the sun... anyway, the point is that you need to ALLOW YOURSELF time to heal. You probably had ideals in your head about how your life would be with this man, you had his child and you were living with him afterall and those ideals were crushed because he turned out to be a big smelly turd, which is not your fault. You have been hurt, and you need to heal before you should go on. Plus, having a child completely changes your life, period. I remarried later and I now have an 11 month old son, so trust that I know what I'm saying when I say a child changes your life! SO, maybe redirect your focus. Focus on YOU and your baby and your future, and realize that the life you thought you were going to have with this man isn't going to happen (although he probably is in your life for good now that you have a child in common), and take some time to decide what type of life you want to make for your baby. Don't let that turd ruin things for you. Everyday your baby is growing and changing, enjoy that, and figure out what makes YOU happy. Good things can and will happen, you need to make you happy before you can expect someone else to make you happy. Good Luck.

Hi A.,

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I was once like you. You will however get through the pain eventually, I promise. You maybe able to forgive him, but you will NEVER FORGET!!!! You need to move forward with your life and be there for your daughter. It will be so hard in the beginning specially if he wants to be in her life. You are going to feel hurt and regetted but I PROMISE it will go away. It will take alot of time, and you may never be able to trust other man competely. I meet someone alittle after my situation. We dated for 6 years before I said I would marry him, but I am so glad that I decided to try in the beginning with him. We now have been together for 10 years, and we had to 2 children to add to my daughter that I had brought into the relationship. He loves her like his own, and she still visits her real father on a regular basis. Please don't give up because of this guy, he is so not worth your tears. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. Be thankful for your family, that is what got me though mine.

Take Care of Yourself,
S.

well.. A... I am sorry you are going through this. I just went through a hellish seperation with my husband. It took me a while to understand why in the world all this hell broke out on me etc. You really have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes you just have to move on and leave those kinds of ppl behind you. You and your daughter deserve the best that is out there. I never thought that I could trust another man either. But then I found one.. I was happy.. I found exactly what I had wanted. Funny thing is.. he turned out to be a liar too. But I learned more about myself, my daughter, and I found out that I could find happiness after my marriage. Men are great..but finding those that are are few and far between. You have to learn about you and what you want so you can be a better mother and a better woman. Then move on. Help yourself before you can help others. Get involved with your girlfriends. Thats just what I had to do. My husband and I did get back together..but I am so much better for going through all of that pain and seperation. I found myself.. and there is no better gift than that. I know you do not know me..but I am here if you need to talk. Believe me..I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Oh girl I know exactly what you are feeling. I too got pregnant unexpectedly but I was younger 18. My daughter's dad told me he was going to support me blah blah blah be a good dad, well that did not happen and I ended up back at home with my parents also. You do feel very alone....but you just have to take a whole new outlook on life. Just be a mother to your child, give yourself time to get through the "past" and you will. You need to realize that was not a good enviornment for your daughter or yourself and you two are better off alone. Just keep in mind that you deserve better, someone who will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated.

If you need someone to talk to please feel free to contact me!!! Hang in there it will get better.

S.

Hi,
I was married to a man that sleept with 13 girls, so I know how you feel. Im sure you have already been told this, but Ill do it again. The pain will never go a way, but it will get better with time. When you find the right guy, he will never make you cry. I know, because I found mine:)
My problem was, I took the cheating out on every other guy I dated, I had to learn not to. My husbaned helped me do that by never letting me worry! We have now been together for 13 years.
If you ever need to talk, Im hear. just send a note. I know how bad the nights are. See ya later, J.

First of all, I am so sorry you have been through this situation. Although I haven't been cheated on by the father of my kids, I was cheated on by an ex and the bitterness still lingers even though I am happily married with a beautiful family. It's hard not to feel like something is wrong with you when the person you love and care for leaves you for another woman. But don't waste any more of your time being upset about things not working out with this guy. All you need to concentrate on as far as he is concerned is communicating with him as the co-parent of your child and trying to support any relationship he may want to have with his daughter.

As for moving on...just focus your time and energy on your daughter and yourself. Don't go "looking" for love, it will find you when the time is right and you're not expecting it. TRUST ME! When you have things right in your life for you and your daughter things will fall into place. And of course you will be much more selective now with the guys you consider dating b/c you have to look out for more than yourself.

Realize there isn't anything wrong with you that made this happen. Sadly, you aren't the first pregnant woman cheated on, and won't be the last. Some men cannot exercise mental control over their carnal desires and unfortunately innocent people get hurt because of it. Be grateful that you've got two parents who love you and your baby more than anything and are helping you out when you've been knocked down. And try talking with someone about all of this (mom, friend) maybe they have been quiet about it unsure of what to say or not knowing if you even want to talk. But sometimes just to let things off your chest can be a great healing tool, and when they know how you feel they can help you overcome the sadness.

Good luck, sweetheart. Stay strong and keep your head up.

Sorry to hear that you have to go thru this some men just arent worth crying over or getting upset over. Look at it this way your the good person here and if he cant see that then well he just doesnt know what he is missing. You need to think about your daughter and stay strong for her. Focus on taking care of her and dealing with her dad on a different level just as her DAD (once a cheater always a cheater) the trust is gone when that happens to someone.

I was involved with a man that cheated on me and I thought I was the only one in his life but I got over it moved on, I realized if he could cheat on me then obviously I wasnt that important to him. Just believe there are good men out there, I found mine, it took many years but I found him I am now married and we have a beautiful 1yr son together.

Life is journey with many roads to follow, just need to choose that right road Mr right will be waiting at the end.

G.

Hi A.. I also have a 10 month old daughter. What a little bundle of joy they are! I can't imagine the pain you are dealing with here, but you are so strong and smart to have already gotten yourself out of the situation and on to a better life. You deserve better and don't you settle for someone who cheats. There will be someone out there who will love you and your daughter the right way and be there for you both all the time. Thankfully I found someone and am happily married, but before that I found a my savior, Jesus Christ. He is there and will never leave my side. No matter how alone and isolated I felt in the past, He promises to never leave us or forsake us. God can give you the strength to make it through this world He has made for us, and experience joy like no other. I want to encourage you to turn to the Lord. If you don't know Him, please take the time to talk to a Christian friend or relative. You are welcome to contact me if you want to anytime. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge HIm and He shall direct your paths".
When this world and the people in it fail us, all we have to turn to is our Maker. He can erase your past and give you a new hope and joy for the future!

I'm so sorry. There are definately men out there who are jerks...and not worth the energy required to talk to them. Like you I found myself in a relationship that ended very much like yours. Luckily there was never a child that energed from it. This guy and I were together for three years...and I thought we had this great relationship...but in the end he cheated on me...in the house and bed that we shared...and I finally left. The new girl moved in less than 24 hours later. I was heart broken...forced to live back with my parents in a emotionally bad environment. Everyone is different but I forced myself to eat right...get exercise...to get out and make friends and reconnect with old ones. IT will get better...that I promise. Join a gym...take a yoga or arobics class...something that will allow you to work out that hurt and frustration.

And I knwo that you have a child together, but limit how often you talk to him and what you talk to him about. HE doesn't deserve to have access to your emotions. You need to communicate when it comes to your daughter...but not when it comes to you. I know its hard...but the sooner the emotional tie with him is broken the easier it will be to move on...just take your time!

Good Luck and Be Well!

I also has that unfortunate encounter with my daughters daddy but i wasnt pregnant at the time. This was before I got pregnant. he cheated on me and didnt tell me for 6 months!!! I am just now starting to live everyday without thinking about it, and its a very hard thing to do. I feel betrayed and worthless sometimes because thats how hearing about what he did made me feel. He got really drunk one night and some of our friends brought a girl from out of town over. She told them she wanted them to leave for a while...and they did. Not only do i feel betrayed by the man i love but also by our friends. I never found out which friend it was but how could they create that opportunity for that girl and my boyfriend on purpose when they were friends with me and knew he was in a long term relationship? This was a year and 4 months ago that I found out about it and a year and 10 months since it happened. The healing process is a long one but dont give up. Youre right, there are many men out there who would never do that to the woman they love. And good for you for leaving him. I really thought about leaving my man and then I got pregnant about a month and a half after I found this out. At this time I was still contemplating whether or not I should stay with him and when I got pregnant I had to make that decision right then and there. We are going strong now with no other problems but it was a long hard road. He had to be very patient with me when i got upset about it almost every day for 2 years!! May I suggest counseling, lots of people hate that idea but even going for just a month could really change your outlook on men. Also you dont want you daughter to grow up and be bitter towards men because you were jaded and never resolved the problem!!! Just a suggestion and if you want to talk more I would be happy to!

I hav been in your shoes. It just takes time. Heal yourself and work on you and the baby before you even think about anyone else. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you...what I am saying is that you want to deal with that situation before you bring someone new in and project those things onto them. When the time is right you will find someone worth sharing your child with. If you want to talk me feel free to contact me directly.

I'm 23 also and a single mom of an 18 month old lil girl. She is the most wonderful thing in my life. Her father hasn't been around since I was pregnant. We were taking a break when I found out I was pregnant and because he had such a horrible temper I wouldn't get back with him. He tried to make me make a decision to have an abortion, even called clinics FOR ME! It was horrible. He was an absolute jerk. He has never seen her and has made no effort to have any contact with her or me since she was born. Does it make me angry? HECK YES! But you know what? My focus can't be on what he did or didn't do, but the wonderful thing that came from the two of us.

Sometimes we have to learn to be okay by ourselves before we can be okay with someone. Don't worry about dating right now, you've got enough on your plate. You don't need someone to be someone...remember that. It's nice to have someone to love or to be loved by , but your baby needs your love more than any man you know?

There is nothing wrong with you. You'll work through it when you're ready to move on, just be patient. I didn't date after my daughters father until recently and I began dating a guy who was my best friend, and I have known him since I was 15. I still have issues with trust because of my daughters father, but luckily my guy understands that because he's known me so long. But honestly, I'd be just as fine with being single as I am with being with someone, because my focus right now is on my daughter and getting our life straight and on the right track.
I know its hard...alot of us have been there...just keep your chin up...look ahead and not behind you. My mom always told me to picture myself walking down a path in the woods... and then imagine I hear a noise behind me and turn around to look...so im looking behind me and walking foward...then all the sudden BAM! I fall down. I had tripped over this lil twig that had fallen from a tree. Something so small that had I been looking in the right direction I would of been able to easily avoid.

A.:

Right now, I would just focus on your baby, and not worry about dating. She is your priority right now, not dating. Keep things in perspective-you said that you didn't date her dad very long, before you got pregnant. It was not like you had a long, trusting relationship, and then he cheated. Not that it was right for him to cheat, just trying to put it in perspective. There are many men out there who can be trusted, and are stand-up kind of guys. When you are ready, you will meet someone like that. Tell yourself that you are just waisting your time, thinking about him. When you have those thoughts stop yourself, and replace that thought with positive ones (about your daughter, your future....).

A. L

Dr. Phil's Love Smart book has some great advice on trusting a new man. You could also go ahead and read Relationship Rescue too I think there's a section on cheating and letting go of the pain from that.

Please remember that many couples bring "emotional baggage into their relationship" he's not going to like something or another because of a past relationship too. If he's a good man he'll be willing to understand your "troubles" and work around them.

I was a single mom at 24. I am now married with two more children ! God can restore the years the locust has ate. To learn more about me you can visit my blog at www.shoutlife.com/gracegirl.
D.

Hi there. First of all I know it seems difficult now but you made the best choice by leaving him. You don't want your growing up thinking that's how relationships work. You deserve much better than to be cheated on. I was 20 when I had my first child and I dealt with the exact same stuff you are. I had to rely on friends and family to keep reminding me that it may be difficult now but it will get better! I am now happily married and the mother of four wonderful children. Hang in there! Keep telling yourself you have done the right thing for you and your daughter. it gets better it just takes time!!1

I have been in your shoes... your story sounds so familiar to me I could have been writing it myself. And the thing that helped me the most was having my son around. At night, when I got upset, if he was around I was able to keep it together, but once he was asleep I would lose it and ask God for his help. I would ask Him to help heal my heart and the strength to remember that the next man that I dated was NOT the last guy that cheated on me. Now I am not saying this was an overnight cure, but I definitely know it helped. It took me about 3 years, but I finally did find the man of my dreams and the father figure that my son deserves. We have now been married for about 7.5 years. Good luck hun...I know things will work out for you, just give it some time.

A.,
I understand the pain and confusion you're dealing with. There's a lot to process and work through when someone you trust with everything turns out to be lying about all of it. I've been there and it took me a really long time to get my thoughts and feelings figured out enough that I felt good about myself and knew what I wanted.
With that said, I think you would do yourself and your baby a disservice by trying to date again so soon. Getting through a break-up like that is hard, being a single mom is almost as hard as it gets (toss in hormones, stress and not enough sleep too!), but trying to meet/get to know/trust new people and let them become a part of your life might be breaking off a little too much. When you are ready emotionally you will meet someone who is right. I think even if you met the 'right' person now it would be really hard to make it work the way you would want it to. Plus, it sounds like your baby's father isn't totally out of the picture and might make you moving on even harder. My advice is to take care of yourself and your baby, the rest will come. Your happiness and stability need to come first.
Good luck,
M.

I split up with my daughter's father when she was about a year old. We had problems throughout our entire relationship and I always thought he was cheating on me with the mother of his first child who was born 9 months into our relationship.

It took time after he left to be able to heal and get into a place where I am ready to date. That took years. Not just because I was upset with him and hurt over what all happened with us but also because I realized that now, the most important thing for me to do was raise my daughter and focus on us. I think putting your focus into your child and taking time to heal is what you need.

I think time will start to help you heal. I personally think it's much harder to heal when it was the father of your child. And it sounds like you just recently found out. Take time to enjoy your child and all the other things you have in life and eventually, your anger towards him will start to go away and you will start to heal. Give it time. It's not easy but it can be done.

Trust me on that, my ex married the mother of his first child and got her pregnant, again, 2 months after we split up. But I still managed to heal and guess what? Now I am happy and they are not. Give it time.

Hugs!

The same exact thing happened to me. I was dating a guy and found out about after 3 months of dating that I was pregnant. He cheated on me thru my pregnancy and after the birth, and probably before I got pregnant. When my son turned 6 months, we moved out and in with my parents. His dad and I tried to work things out for our son, but he was a loser and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn't want to start dating right away, my main priorety was and still is my son. About 4 months later, my cousin set me up on a blind date. I really didn't want to go, but I knew that I needed to.A year later we got married. At our reception, my aunt told the story about how I didn't want to go on the blind date. She also told the story when I said that I would never find anyone to marry me because I had a baby.
You are not alone. You wouldn't believe how many people this has happened to. But don't get discouraged. Something will come along when you least expcet it.

Dear A.,
It's time to focus your energy and life on that brand new baby of yours. Your responsibility is to her and her alone. Men will come and go, but she will always be there, and she will always need you. Remember that introducing new men in her life will affect her. Try to focus on you and your daughter's relationship. Let it become your life. The other stuff (such as a man) will come in time. You don't need a man to complete you, although I know it can be lonely. It sounds like you have a loving family willing to help you out. Let them help, and surround you and your daughter with confidence and caring always. Be fair to her and yourself. I promise, it will get better. All you have to do is the next indicated step.
Best of Luck!
L.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for how things have turned out, but don't give up, you're young with plenty of time for healing. I think the best thing you can do is put dating on the backburner, and take this event as a jumping off for point for spending more time focusing on yourself and your child. Yes, it's important for children to have a father in their life, but it's more important that they have a strong and happy caregiver.

I know what you mean cause I have been down that same road. I finally just had to give up and the heck with it and move on. Life is too short to dwell on the past. I have one thing that I can tell you is that you have to think of yur baby cause your baby comes first before any man does. Just take time for youself and daughter. Because there is no man that can replace spending time with your daughter. Just let everything go and move on and let the past go because you can not make up for the time that he has last with his daughter it is his fault and not yours. Maybe ask realitives to babyset while you and friends go out like a girls night out and that will take your mind off of things and then you will forget about that man. It is hard but you got to let it go and take life as it comes.

It takes time. Just spend time by yourself trying to come to
terms with what he did to you and get your mind straight. This
has to happen before you can move on. Time heals all they say
and the older I get the more I believe it. Good luck.

::sigh:: oh to be 23 again...

ok A....you have a full life ahead of you...there are plenty of fish in the sea...there are men that would love to have you and your child...put your big girl panties on...ok...so have i said everything that you have heard before? pretty sure those are the highlights

fact is...you are lonely and you feel like no one in the world could love you and your child the way he does...blah blah blah...

truth is...if he cheated on you once HE WILL DO IT AGAIN...but he will be smarter about it the 2nd time or the 3rd..whatever...the good thing is that you didn't date for very long before you found out you were pregnant...so you really don't have that much time vested in your heart...

i know i know you loved him...but guess what...if you really think about it...when did you realize that you were just so in love with him you would do anything for him...it was while you were pregnant right? yep been there too g/f...

my now ex husband...well i didn't love him when we got married...i mean i did love him..but i wasn't in love with him...i was in love with the sex...and i won't lie and tell you differently...and that seems harsh but it was true...not until i got pregnant did i really fall in love with him...i would have done anything for him...i totally ignored the fact that people were telling me he cheated on me...but Christmas day 2002 he left me for his best friends wife...WAKE UP CALL for me

it took me almost 2 years to get over him...its even harder when you have a child with the man that could be his twin...
you need to cut off any contact you have with him that is not about your child...yeah..he may take that out on the child and not come and see him/her b/c you are cutting him off but...your sanity is worth more...your child is young...

in my 40 years i have been around the block a time or two...sometimes i wonder why i was given so many experiences and pains/hurts...then i come here to this forum and realize...i have been where most of these moms are...so i pick and choose the posts i want to answer b/c i don't want to seem like a know it all or someone that is bossy..ya know...

sweety you are young...i was 18 and in the same situation as you...it will make you a stronger person not only for yourself but for you child...and you can't even get anymore respect for yourself unless you break all ties with that man that are personal...the only thing the two of you have in common now is that child

GOOD LUCK!

A., Do you think you are the only woman that this has happened to? Believe me you are not. I am 44 years old I have a 25 year old daughter, a 22 year old daughter a 16 year old daughter 2 grandsons 3 and 2. I am single and I have a 19 month old daughter. I left her dad when I was pregnant with her. He was cheating on me the whole time we were together. Everytime I would go to one of the big shopping stores in Lawton I would run into him because he worked there at the time. I had to let that thing go because I would get upset everytime I saw him. He now has a son that is 1 year old. You have to conciously say "I forgive him." Unforgiveness will eat you up. You don't have to do it for him but you do have to do it for yourself. You go down to the Dept. of Human Services or whatever they call it in your town and you file for child support for your baby and you move on. Tell yourself that you are better off without him and be thankful that he didn't give you any diseases. Hang in there girl, it does get better. N.