Grief and Loss Question

I have been in a similar situation and understand what you're going through. My mother is the problem in our family. She hates me and has spread her poisonous lies throughout our family to the extent my youngest brother doesn't speak to me anymore either. This has gone on since I was quite young and is a repeat of how my grandmother treated my mother. My best recommendation to you is to surround yourself with really good friends who love you and only want the best for you. I am blessed to have several really good friends. Those friends have seen my family (including dear ole mom) in action over the 20 + years I've known them. I've been "adopted" by a couple of their Moms and have been included in many family celebrations. While our children were growing up we spent most holidays with my husband's family and sometimes still do, though there are some issues with them as well (not nearly as severe, but his mother shows favoritism publically to other siblings & their offspring whether they're present or not). More often, though, we prefer to surround ourselves with our best friends, who have become our extended family.
Find people who share your family's interests and make friends. The void you're feeling will be filled with more healthy and fullfilling relationships and at some point you won't think about what you've walked away from except perhaps in a refelctive moment. Sadly, you can't chose who your blood family is, but you can choose who you want to be your family. It will get better!

You just need to STOP thinking about it. I know it sounds too easy. But it's not and it is at the same time. Any time you give up one thing in your life, you replace it in another way.

It's time to find something new and good to do. You could try and find a church or program in your area that helps the elderly. You could start visiting elderly shut ins and bringing them little gifts and spending time with them.

Or if you don't want something like that to just remind you of what you don't have, come up with some brand new hobby.

The thing is, we can't choose who we are related to by blood. But the truth is, any idiot can spit out a baby. It takes a lot more than that to actually love your child and family. Go out and embrace the people you have left.

My husband is in almost the exact same situation as you are. He says now that he doesn't have a father, after many years of struggling to make a healthy relationship with his dad. While the grief never really does go away, it does lessen with time, really. It is such a primal emotion to love our parents, even the most abused children will often have a fierce devotion to their abuser. You know that you did the right thing, don't doubt yourself and do surround yourself with supportive people.

It really is horrid to feel ostracized, but each occasion that happens that makes you feel left out and cut out is an opportunity to affirm for yourself that you did the right thing. For what it's worth, after about a year and a half my husband's sisters began making overtures to him, and they agreed to disagree about their father. His sisters really wanted to have a relationship with our child. We think it's because deep down they know that their father is exactly as my husband says, angry and abusive and manipulative.

Your family is pretending that the issues don't exist, because it takes a lot of strength for someone to stop the pattern that has been established in a family -- as you know. Like I said, it's such a primal thing that people can get really crazy trying to maintain the status quo, even when it's a horrible situation.

You are strong enough to have done the right thing, and as painful as it is now, you are strong enough to let time help you heal. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, counseling etc. I think if you just live your life, and stop trying to reach out to them, they might begin to see that you are right, because they won't have you as a scapegoat to unite themselves against.

I hope this helps, I'm so sorry for all you've gone through.

I agree with SLM. Make some of your closest friends your "family," and do family-type events with them. We do that, and it's been wonderful.

The only suggestion I have is just let it go and move on with your life. If you worry about it or keep thinking about it, it will affect your health. I know moving on is difficult... I had to do it, but in the long run it probably saved my life. I wish you the best.

Molly,
I'm really sorry your going through such a horrible time with your family. The best thing you can do is move on with your children and put yourself and your children first. (which it sounds like that's what you did by removing your relationship with your father) Even though your heart is aching for the support of your family you need to be comfortable with your initial decision and move on from that. Reach out to your friends. Friends are a wonderful part of your "family". They are the part of your family that you can actually choose. Get involved with a church or a community group of some kind and move yourself and your children into a healthy surrounding.
Focus on YOURSELF and KIDS.

Good luck and I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Try to focus on the fact that you did what was best for your child. That right there is the bottom line. You can pick your friends but not your family. You have to come to peace with yourself that your child is all that matters. I did not read your earlier post, but just from this post I can tell your decision came with great thought. Don't try to contact them. Send Christmas cards or Birthday cards, but leave it at that. I know that may seem hard, but it will help. Stop worrying about those that do not have your child's, or your, best interest at heart. If they are as dysfunctional as your dad then they are probably not people that you want around your child anyway. Worry about your son and your family. They should be #1 (& it sounds like they are) and focus in on making your life as happy as it can be. Be happy with what you have and allow yourself to let go of those that are toxic. You are doing the right thing and once you really believe what you said (you said that you do not regret your decision) you will be able to move on.

I think you are making something more complicated than it needs to be.
Anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable does not deserve to spend time with you... friends or family included. I'm not sure what really happened with grandpa and your son, I know that my grandpa used to tease us all the time when we were little but we survived it, he's still that way and he's 92. Your son is 3, if he got his feelings hurt it will soon be forgotten unless Mom rehashes it over and over and makes the child think he's supposed to feel a certain way. This happens a lot to kids. The parent is the one that FEELS a certain way about a situation, the kid may not even think twice about it, but the parent wont let it go because it actually affected the parent way more than it did the child. You really do need to evaluate what is really going on and if any of it will make a difference 5 years from now. 3 year olds dont remember much, and the grandparent/grandchild relationship is an important one. You should seek counselling just so you can get a professional view of your certain situation and the counselor would give you avenues to take that would help you get through it.
Your dads personality may not be the best, but it's the only one he has. If he quit drinking that is great, but I'm sure he's having a hard time dealing with reality if he hasnt replaced the drinking with something positive.... that's his decision tho and you cant make it for him. Does he have other grandkids or is yours the first? How do other family members deal with his harsh personality?
I think Heather's answer fits your situation----see, there is light at the end of the rainbow. Hang in there!

Molly, you did the best for you and your family and until you accept that you will have a hard time. Know that you did such a great thing and give yourself a pat on the back. Be happy in your decision because it was made by you and know that you had the best interest of your kids at heart and you want them to grow up and learn behaviors that are positive. If you still are not happy, Pray. Pray for peace with this situation that you had the foresight to look ahead to the future and know this was the best thing for your family. God Bless!!!

When I was 8 years old, I did what I had always been taught to do, and told the truth. The end result was to be pulled out of my father's house and eventually after staying with each set of grandparents by court appointment I ended up with my mother...which I was quite content with. Unfortunately. When the courts ended; my father and his second wife made it very clear to my father's side of the family that there was to be no contact with me whatsoever. I lost my brothers (who I cared for more than their mother did) and later a sister was born, aunts, uncles, cousins, my paternal grandparents and of course a father who's issues made his lost not so difficult but his betrayal was hard to swollow.

I was fortunate that I was put into couseling to learn to cope with my experiences. While there we also touched on the loss of family as it continued to develope. I spent many days and nights greiving the loss of family and especially my sibblings who I was very close to and felt a maternal connection to.

I cannot say that you ever get over that kind of loss; but you learn to cope with it. Time helps to a degree.

When I became pregnant, several family members found out and the scandel of it all (I was not married) intrigued them. I was brought back into the fold for a few years. Fortunately, being away from their disfunction for nearly 20 years helped me to see with a clear eye and I was able to understand so much about the past as well as the present. While the loss is still there and I will always be saddened by it; I am glad I was not exposed to anymore of their dysfunction...and my but they do have their troubles.

It is worth it to me to keep distance for my health and the health of my child. We get together once in awhile, but it is at arms length. We focus on the fun of the moment and then we are done. It is almost more like an office party, with some detached amusement. But we don't get sucked into the drama that way.

Long example shortened. You may never completely get over the grief. But it will get easier; especially when you think about why you did it. If the rest of your family cannot see what and why you did what you did, and do not have your courage; then that is their problem. They have their choices to make too. Remember, that your father is their brother/uncle/son. They will not be open to hearing negative things about him even if in their hearts they know it is true.

Hang in there. Keep up the counseling. It will be ok.

I agree with the previous poster. All you can do is move on with your life. You don't regret the decision you made and it seems that your family has left you with no other options. There could be a chance at having some type of relationship if one is able to admit there is a problem. But, since this is not going to happen you have no alternative but to go on with your own life in order to keep yourself and your children away from the dysfunction.
It's hard to say how long it takes to get past the grief and lose of losing your family. First, no one has died (or have they?), so in a way it's a different kind of loss. Unless they are dead to you in your mind and heart?
Hopefully once they realize that you are not going to be apart of their dysfunction they will change.
best of luck

every time you start thinking about him, and all the negative feelings (hurt, guilt, fear, etc) that he brings up...think of your KIDS and how you absoulutely made the RIGHT decision for them. think what you'd do if he hurt them again. let that mama bear instinct take over, it's right. you don't EVER let anyone hurt those babies. to hell with the "family". that's not family if they are supporting him instead of you. YOU are doing what you need to to protect your family. i am sorry i get passionate about protecting the kids...:)

and then... just give it time. it does get easier.