Sympathy- Am I Expecting to Much?

I lost both my parents by the time I was in my mid-twenties. I would honestly say it's easy to be so wrapped up in your own grief that you forget other people's lives have continued as normal while yours is changed forever.

Try to appreciate the understanding and empathy you have received, and offer support to your mom and immediate family instead of nursing perceived or exaggerated slights. By adding up errors in judgement or moments that you deem as unsympathetic and holding them as grudges against those you care about (or who care about you) you risk losing sight of the bigger picture, which should be working through your own feelings of sadness and grief and celebrating your father's life.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your family peace.

ETA: I wanted to add that your loss is very new, and time will help ease that burden of sadness and feeling like you are 'all alone' with your grief. For the most part I do think we grieve alone, especially when we have to learn how to live without someone who has always been in our lives. Little memories are triggered throughout the day, and you learn how to appreciate reminders of the person instead of just feeling their absence. It's a process, and it took me a few years before I really felt the grieving period was over.

I urge you to make contact your friends and tell them what you need. They are most likely not knowing what to do. The clergy person should be more sensitive than she appears to be. Call her, tell her how you're feeling and ask for help. That is her job. There may be reasons she can't help you. If so, ask her who can.

When we are grieving we can wish our friends knew what to do and do it. It's just not that easy. Just as in other times we need to tell people how we are feeling and ask for help. You said most of your friends have not lost a parent. Your loss may frighten them which causes another emotionally level for them.

I don't understand the refusal to refund your money. Did you tell him how difficult it would be for your son to attend. Appeal to his ability to be sympathetic. How we word our requests and the emotional tenor we use influences others decisions. How well does he know you and your family? Does he have the authority to make this decision?

I empathise with you. Both of my parents have died. I liked not having everyone keep checking in with me. When I wanted company I called friends. When I wanted to talk I called. So reach out to your friends. They care about you.

After some thought. Feeling alone is part of the grief. You have lost a parent on whom you've relied your whole life. There is a large void in your life.

My brothers and I lost both parents within 2 weeks. After the second death we talked about how we are now orphans. For me that helped me to better understand my feelings. Every once in a while I'd say to myself, "I'm an orphan and I'm a big girl now. Saying that seemed to help me remember that I'm still strong and capable. Know that the pain does lesson over time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I lost my Dad too.
I know about all the.... weird responses people do, in response to a death.
It does not make sense.
It is not, expected.

I highly recommend, finding some sort of "grief" support group.
My Mom attended one when my Dad died.
She met a lot of good people there... people who REALLY understand.
And it helped her.
Because yes, many people just do not know how to help. They don't even ask "How ya doing?"
But instead of focusing on what people are not doing, focus on yourself, journal, know how you feel, and find a Grief Support Group of some kind.

Many of my Dad's relatives and family, did not EVEN contact us to see how we were doing. Nothing from them. Just ignoring us.
It was very hurtful.

Grieving is and can be, very lonely.
I feel lonely many times still, after my Dad died.
He was the ONLY one, who truly truly, knew me and was always in my corner.
With all the problems I am having now, I dearly miss him.
I don't think that ever goes away.
I wish he could help me now, with my problems and problematic Husband. But thinking of him is also consoling.
In my grief, thinking of my late Dad is helpful.

My Dad was also very generous with many people, helping them with their lives. And they just did not show up nor even call my Mom.
Some people are users. Some are genuine. Some people just do not know, how to reach out to you. You find that out when your parent dies. Which is very sad.

All the best

Oh also, if you have a garden or yard, plant a tree or whatever you choose... to honor your Dad. It can be your special place you go, to "talk" to him and remember him and seek solace. I know someone who planted an Olive tree in her yard, in honor of her Spouse. It is a presence, in her yard that is very special. And she feels he is always with her.
Things like this, can help. If it suits you or your personality.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's very painful and even though he was very sick for 10 years, in my experience you're still never "ready" when it happens. You're missing the person, but you're also missing "what might have been" and you realize the days of making memories of your father are over.

I think mourning rituals and customs vary from community to community, from religion to religion, from family to family. From your remarks about "the temple" and the custom of visiting the house, I'm going to guess that you are Jewish. I am too so perhaps I can answer from that perspective and using your numbering system from above.

1. Some rabbis (and some ministers, priests, etc.) are not so good as pastoral care and funerals. Some, as in the temple where we belonged for years, are truly overwhelmed by funerals and hospice and pre-death visits, plus nursing homes. We hired a second rabbi (dual degree with social work) just to handle all of those visits; the senior rabbi did funerals for direct members, and the associate rabbi did all the hospital visits, the assisted living and nursing home calls, and the funerals for the non-members who "came home" for burial in the local cemetery. Even so, we had more than a funeral per week with an average of 15 hours per rabbi per family. It wasn't humanly possible to get to every person, and if someone else was doing the funeral, rabbis tended not to "take over". Next, did you respond to her messages? Did you have posted shiva/memorial hours at your home so people knew when to stop by? A lot of communities have gone this route rather than just expect families to have "open house" for weeks on end. Moreover, they may know your mother needs care and not just want to stop in unannounced. And a lot of non-Jewish people may not know the customs. When my MIL died, our non-Jewish friends often had never seen phrases like "shiva" or "memorial observance" and stayed away rather than do the wrong thing.

2. Everyone who wants a refund from camp or preschool or summer programs has extenuating circumstances. They may be under direction from the Board not to give refunds because they are operating at near-deficit level, and they can't fill the spot with another child at this late date. It may be the money that's bothering you, but it also may be perceived by you as a lack of compassion for your loss. I'm not sure that's the case even though I know it feels that way to you.

3. How wonderful that one friend checks in. The others may not know what's expected or desired from you. You say you aren't upset, but you are. So if you're giving them the feeling that you are fine (either consciously or unconsciously), they may be reading you wrong. Or they may be the kind of people who shy away from difficult situations precisely because they've never experienced it (you said hardly any of your friends have lost a parent). Maybe someone said to them, "He'd been sick for so long, this is a blessing." So now they think they'll make you more upset by bringing it up. And sometimes, sadly, in the face of tragedy, you find out who your best friends are, and aren't.

4. Your brother may be a loser (mine is), or he may be unable to mourn because he's lost all these previous years. He already feels isolated even though maybe it's self-imposed and a rift he created. I don't know. But he may be like your friends, not knowing what to say to the person who's been dealing with Dad (and Mom) all these years. So he may have guilt on top of his other issues. Guilt and depression and remorse can be paralyzing. He hasn't been around, so maybe you feel your pain is greater and he should be attentive now. Maybe you're right. Maybe he's not the sort of person who can face adversity.

5. You say your MIL couldn't care less but you don't expect anything from her and it doesn't bother you. But it does, a little, because you put her on your list.

6. Some people with Asperger's are high functioning and read SOME social cues. You're giving your husband a free pass here, which maybe he deserves, but again, it made your list so you're feeling the absence of help. Maybe you're not blaming him and are just showing us that there are all these people who "should" be supportive in most families, but because of special circumstances, you don't have that help in your family: brother, MIL, husband.

You sound like someone who does so much for other people. You have helped your parents in the past, and you want to take care of your mother now because she's not only lost her husband, she has Caregiver Exhaustion, and she's actually lost her "job" as the constant provider of help. That can leave her doubly bereft. So you're trying to give her attention and a vacation. That's admirable. You care for your husband in some ways, making up for his inability to do social things with other people. So are you one of those people who just give give give all the time, and other people get the impression that you don't need anything? I tend to be that way so I suggest it with compassion and understanding as a possibility for you.

We all do grieve alone in some ways, but many of us also are comforted by community. Jews have a 7 day period of shiva, but also a 30 day period of Shloshim. So if there are those who couldn't attend the funeral for one reason or another, or if you spent the entire funeral trying to attend to your mother and son and help your husband know what to do, or if you were still in a kind of state of shock, is there are reason why you cannot have a gathering at your home or the temple, with another type of memorial service, that would meet your needs? Ask your clergy member for what you need (she's left you messages, so take her up on it), and ask your wonderful best friend to help organize it so that it's FOR you and not BY you. We've done memorial services where the prayer book was used, but also with a time in the middle for people to share reminiscences of the deceased person. You can put something on Facebook or in the newspaper or in the temple bulletin. Sometimes people who come and share comments might be people who knew your dad, but they could also be people who heard stories from you, and they can talk about how they think you were influenced by him. It can be very comforting.

There's no timetable on grief so go ahead and call your clergy person, say you are feeling very alone and hurt, that you still have needs that were not met by the funeral itself, and that you need your community around you, and how can she help. Try not to organize the entire thing yourself, but just say what it is that you need. Then let the healing help of others wash over you. You can also ask your clergy member for helpful reading to do, but set up a couple of appointments so you can go in and talk (either about what you read or about what you feel). She's reached out to you (maybe not in the way or on the schedule you would have wanted), so there's no reason not to respond.

It's okay not to know everything you need at any given time. It's okay not to "get over" this right away. But if new hurts get in the way of your mourning, it will be even harder to heal.

May your dad's memory be a blessing.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my dads two years ago. I know that for several weeks after he passed away, I really did not want anyone to say anything nice to me. That grief was just so raw and close to the surface, a hug or kind word could get me blubbering. It was just to much to feel all of that pain all the time, every day, so it was easier for me not to talk about it for a while. I wore his wedding ring on a chain for two months, but I didn't want people to ask me about it. Not that I got angry with people for being kind, I appreciated it, but I just wanted to keep it together for the most part.
One exception was when a co-worker came to my office and talked to me about her dad, who passed away about a year and a half before mine, also very quickly from a very aggressive cancer. I shut my office door and we cried together for about 45 minutes, and it helped to share the pain, odd though that may sound, because she really had an idea what I was feeling.

I agree with the posts below- if you need to talk to someone, reach out. They may be giving you space to process things. They may think that you have a lot on your plate right now with your son, your husband, and your mom, and they don't want to cause you any more stress. Husband, too- if he doesn't know intuitively what you want, tell him. You can even tell him that you know he may not get it, but you need X, Y, and Z and he needs to support you with that. My husband had a hard time supporting me because he lost both of his parents, one in a horrible tragedy, and it was really hard for him to be a part of the grieving process with me.

Go up the chain at the temple, it seems that they should cut you some slack here.

Sending you lots of hugs.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I admit that my friends were wonderful when my dad died, but I lived overseas and we were all each other had. I went out with them for lunches etc even though I was grieving, and if I needed to cry, they just gave me hugs.

So the answer is no, we don't always grieve alone. But in your case, you have dumb friends. I would call them and ask if you could get together. If they ask why, just tell them that you need someone to be with. Don't be proud. Just do it. They will understand when they lose a parent.

Your brother? Forget it. He's not going to come around. He doesn't want to have to feel guilty for his absence in your father's life, so he doesn't want to be around you all. Your husband? So what if he has Aspergers? TELL HIM that he's being a douche. TELL HIM that it is his job to help you through this and be kind to your mother. Tell him that if he doesn't believe you, to ask his doctor.

Sending you big hugs. My dad has been gone for several years now. I still think of him or dream about him - something I will see will remind me and I smile and have pleasant thoughts. Grief is a long road and is different for people. It's okay to grieve however you need to. Don't forget that.

I am sorry for what you are going through but it seems like you are being unreasonable. First people grieve differently. My friends know that although I care deeply for them I do not deal well with death. I will go to a funeral, say the appropriate things, and disappear until they stop mentioning it. I am lucky to have friends like that I know, but don't discount people just because they don't see things as you do.

Clergy have appointments, responsibilities, you are not the only person in the world. How would you feel if you were the person she was obligated to for who knows how long, how would you feel if she bailed on you after she said she would? You do realize you were expecting her to blow off others in need because you felt your need was greater?

Summer school, that is their job, their income. They cannot replace your kids at that camp. You are asking them to give you that money, that isn't fair. Perhaps call them back and say I know it is past the date but can you open the spots up and if someone takes the spots refund the money?

Okay I feel I am typing a book here. When my mother died a few years ago I didn't post it to FB, I didn't ask for attention, it wasn't what I needed. I ask for what I need. Reach out to your friends and say I need you. Even if one of my friends said that I would say if you can stand the awkward silence from time to time, where do you want to meet.

You need to stop expecting everyone to do what you need without telling them what you need and see they have needs too. All you are doing is adding to your hurt.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is devistating and emotionally life changing. Keep reaching out to your friends and support people. Tell them that you're having a hard time with the loss and just tell them you need to talk. Thank them for their continued concern for you and ask them to check back in and when.
Everyone deals with loss differently. Some of it is cultural and some of it is personal. A lot of people feel that when someone loses a loved one that they need time alone to grieve. Though having been a griever myself I now think the idea of that is crazy.
Keep looking for support. You need it. People feel awkward about death and often say stupid things. What you really need is some compassionate ears, some shoulders, and cups of coffee to cry over and reminisce.
I'm sorry again for your loss. No one is going to take the place of your father who has moved on. May god bless your dad and give him eternal peace.

People often don't think clearly (like the director). I would go back and ask if she has a wait list, because your father DIED and your son will have to be out of town. Can she make any sort of exception for a death in the family? Does she want the death certificate? The obit? She may still not budge, but if it's a matter of having full enrollment, perhaps she will take the option of someone else filling the slot. Do you have a friend whose kid wants to go?

I would also start being direct with people. "I'm really struggling. What I could use today is someone to do a few loads of laundry/make dinner/take my kid to the park so I can cry." People often respond better to being tasked. When my friend lost her baby, I just had no words. I let her cry, but I didn't know what to SAY. Especially when she went home, several hours away. I couldn't even easily babysit. I'm also very introverted and it's harder for me to reach out and take on someone else's pain. Not that I don't care, but something I can DO for someone is easier for me. My aunt said that the first weeks weren't so bad...it was when everyone left and she was alone with her kids that she really felt like a widow. So if that is what you are experiencing, you are not alone.

I would look for grief counseling. I'm sorry that people around you let you down and that you are feeling abandoned by people close to you. Remember that your brother hasn't been close in 4 years so this is sadly more of the same. If your husband has Aspergers, I would be very clear and direct with him. I need...can you please... etc. A grief counselor can help you (and your children) walk through this painful process. Grief is a weird thing and everyone travels their own path.

1. You're clergy is an #*@!&. That's the polite way to put it. That is literally part of her job description- to tend to hurting members of her flock. Death totally counts.
2. That was unfair, especially because you weren't asking for a full refund. Perhaps you should be a little more vocal, it is a temple for crying out loud.
3. Continue to thank your friends who do call. If anyone does something for you- respond with appreciation. It validates them.
4. Don't forget he's got his own grief. And if he didn't have contact- it'll be a more complicated and devastating grief because he doesn't have closure.
5. MIL may have same issues your hubby does. But let it go.
6. If you haven't already- thank him for checking in on you. What he did was incredibly difficult and foreign for someone with Aspergers to do.

Lastly, #7. You're going through all your friends and family and and listing how they're not meeting your needs fully. Perhaps seeing a counselor for your grieving process is better than these people you feel clearly lack the sympathy you seem to desire.
The very best of luck to you. My sympathies with your loss.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. How disappointing that when you need it most, you are feeling alone. I think there are different reasons that all of this is going on. First, some people really just don't know what to do, so they do too little instead of too much. Next, people have their own expectations of why you should or should not need sympathy (like people on here who were harsh to you when you were reaching out- they put their own expectations on you instead of just being kind because that's what you need).

Mix in with that your struggles with your brother and MIL, that just complicates things. Someone else said it very well, that everything feels personal to you, and this is hurtful. I totally get that.

After reading this, I know I will do things differently going forward. For me, I have had friends who had parents pass away but we weren't really great friends. I felt like if I suddenly swooped in I would be overstepping and only wanting credit for being a great friend when maybe I wasn't before. I'm hearing from you that I would be better off just being helpful because that's what they may need, and deal with the rest later.

I do believe that clergy let you down, there is no excuse for them not being the ones to lean on hard. I would look in your temple or community for a grief support group- I really hope you can find one. Beyond that, I agree that it's ok to ask for what you need. Reach out to a few girlfriends and let them know that you would love to get together for lunch or something because you are having a hard time and could really use their support right now.

Tell your husband you need x,y,z. My husband doesn't have Asperger's but I am quite sure I would have to do the same- "please give me 5 hugs a day" "please give me 5 minutes to just talk about how I feel" "please go on a walk with me". You get the idea.

I hope things start to look up and people are able to give you what you need. Even just going to a counselor could help if all your other supports fail. But maybe think that at least a few friends might be like me- they are thinking of you and are very sympathetic, but they don't want to butt in or are afraid of upsetting you.

Good luck to you, and again, so sorry for your loss.

No one grieves in the same way.
Some people want to be surrounded by loved ones while others just want some alone time.
And it's hard for those around you to figure out what you want.
Not every place is going to acknowledge your grief.
I don't think airlines give grief discounts anymore and some businesses can't give a refund no matter what the reason.
Sounds harsh but the camp often can't fill a vacant spot with someone else so refunding you will cause their bottom line to take a hit.
Everything seems personal to you right now.
After my Mom's significant other suddenly passed away she felt like every little thing that broke down (no matter how old it was - like a 15 yr old water heater) was like a personal insult - like she was cursed - and it hit her hard.
You've got a huge hole in your life right now.
It's going to take time to learn to live with it and for it to gradually fill in.
For some the first 2 years is pretty rough (my Mom was affected for more than 5 years).
Just hang in there.
Eventually you'll be able to remember the good times and smile instead of bursting into tears.
If you think it will help, get in touch with a grief support group.

Ugh. I'm sorry.
It takes many people a lot of time to figure out the simple fact that:

You show up when you care.

And "show up" means call, visit, check in, make a meal, send a card, send a text, talk....a combination of these, over time, is really showing up.

C'mon--everyone is BUSY. But life events like this are things for which we simply have GOT to make time and effort, when we care.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in January 2013. I'm still grieving. And I did it alone too. I still feel very alone in it. I can tell you that you will have your good days and bad days. I had a similar situation. A very distant family member posted it on Facebook. I was so upset about that. I didn't want it on social media BC my dad didn't even want an obit. I was horrified. Lean on your mom in this time of need. Its your loss too. You don't have to be the strong person. I learnt that the hard way. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And if you want to talk you can pm me. Best wishes to you!

it's tough. i'm sorry, sweetie. i've been on both sides, and it IS hard to figure out what to do when someone else is mourning, and hard to put aside our own mourning long enough to let people know. part of the solitude is probably due to folks thinking you want to be alone. it's actually true for me- i do best to heal and recover without having to be polite or sensitive to others, like a wounded animal. but i think most people really need and appreciate company and sympathy.
i'm lucky in that my husband was exactly what i needed when i was deep in the pit. i'm so sorry yours is unable to give you what you need, and think you rock for being understanding of him. of course it hurts. and i'm really, really glad you've got your mom, and that she has you.
i'm sorry the camp director isn't being more helpful, and that your clergy person is absent. i agree that it's not cool.
friends are all over the map, aren't they? i had surprising support and contact from people on the periphery of my life, while my two besties stepped back and gave me space at a time where i actually (and surprisingly) wanted them to cuddle me a little. i think it's just hard for people to figure out.
i'm glad you came here for some support, and hope you feel as if you're getting it.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
khairete
S.

I so totally feel for you and yes people are rude these days about a lot of things. Common courtesy seems out the window. I get texts thanking me for wedding presents and showers. People don't go to funerals a lot of times, they write a note on Facebook or in the newspaper. I suppose I am guilty of that.
I grew up where everyone called everyone in the neighborhood when someone died and we all went there, to the neighbors, to the funeral to the after celebration or gathering.
When my father died the sad part was that he was remarried and had another family in another state. I went to the funeral and felt very very unsupported because we didn't have our own friends and neighbors. It was like being at a funeral for a stranger. My brothers and sisters for the most part came but I felt really left out.
I do not understand the part about having Aspergers that your husband is incapable of at least having some understanding of your sadness and grief.
He may not have it inside of him, but he must have been nice enough for you to marry him and even if he doesn't ask you can certainly tell him all you want.
Your mother in law sounds like she is definitely incapable of understanding much about anything.
Yes, its unfair they won't give you back your money for camp.
I had one son in the service and another at home. We hadn't seen him in a year and waited to see him when he arrived back in the UnitedStates. It cost a small fortune to fly where he was. I talked to the school about my other son possibly missing a day or two due to this. His school prinicipal was fine, the administrator in charge of the program and his teacher penalized him for his absence despite the fact the administrator said he had been in the service at one point.But by golly he certainly wasn't going to bend any rules.
So I join you in feeling intense anger towards all sorts of very non understand ing people. But for everyone of them there is someone out there like me who has a big heart and a willingness to let you grieve. I am so saddened by your loss and if I could I would let you cry a long hot cry til your tears were no more. It's not fair. That was your dad. Shame on people for being callous.

I'm sorry for your loss. I do not do well with these situations because I believe most people prefer to grieve privately and not have a lot of in your face interactions. I do not do a lot when someone loses a parent, perhaps because I only ever went to one funeral when I was very young and not again until I was in my 20s. To me, the family at funerals have always seemed as though they really just wanted to be alone and all this intrusion of having to talk to people and "entertain" their questions and attention was asking too much. So I'm sure I'm one of the people you'd be mad at. But no one has ever said to me "why aren't you there for me" and I wouldn't know they were upset any other way. You need to say something - you can't expect people to read minds.

I'm sorry you're hurt, but I'd be one of the ones staying out of your way.

ETA: I'm sorry, but I've scrolled through all the responses, and while I can't say I read every single word closely, I don't see anyone being rude or contrary for the sake of being argumentative. You asked "Is it me"? And I saw one person - one - who said, "well, kinda…" and did so with a good explanation. I did not see anyone calling you selfish and certainly not bashing you. I understand your emotions are high right now, but still…

Feel better.

Perhaps in some ways and in others no. I lost both of my parents by the time I was 15. Yes, there is a void but you hope by the time they leave this earth that they have given you all the tools you need to exist.

People have lives that are so "me only" lately that it is hard to get through to them. Some come for the service and then disappear and others are there for a short time and then they are gone.

I found that the hardest time for pain and hurt was about three weeks to three months after the death. There were moments that were harder than others for me to cope with. I had to find ways to push through and go for it. I had to learn that I had to depend on me and my thoughts so many times I had to live with whatever consequence came about because that was all I had.

Call and ask for help. Tell them what you need. Like I need a load of laundry or could you pick up x,y,z for me from the store on your way over. Thanks.

You have my deepest sympathy. Remember all the good times you had with your dad and cherish them as they will make this time in your life a little easier. Over time (many years) the hurt will heal and the pain will ease.

As for the camp, they may not be able to refund the money and you may have to chalk that one up. As for the temple people, contact and ask for help. As for your brother isn't going to help so don't put any more stock into that. Take mom on a trip and let her unwind and find herself. Get her involved in a senior group if possible so that she is active and doing for herself.

You are in my thoughts.

the other S.

I think that everyone grieves in their own way. It looks like the way you are choosing to grieve is by looking to others to assist you in processing your feelings and rearranging things to juggle your schedule as you have to assist your mother. There is nothing wrong with this however it looks like the people in your life are choosing to step back instead of stepping forward. Every time they step back you see it as them not being there to support you in your time of need.

Unless you've suffered a loss yourself most people really don't know what to do so they avoid the situation. Please be the bigger person and don't hold it against them. Other people say the wrong thing because they don't know what to say. Some people just know what to do or say and that's great but those people are few and far between.

You are in the same position I was in when my father died. Between juggling my life, work, my household, kids, grandkids, and my mother's needs it was overwhelming. Every day I'd be angry, sad, hopeless, overwhelmed, etc. It took a while to move through all the feelings and end up feeling ok with things.

I think you might benefit from some grief counseling. You can locate one through your local hospital, primary physician, or insurance company. They will help you process your feelings. Also give it some time to work your ways through your feelings. Not everyone who isn't standing beside you is against you. Remember that everyone isn't good at dealing with death and the effects left behind. Time will make it better.

I'm with you. My mother passed away two weeks ago and it's a lot of stress and FEELING and work to do. You don't even know what you really expect from people, but you know when you're NOT getting it.

You had some great concrete suggestions from people - I'll offer a different take on this process. When we're confronted with a sudden stressful event, our brains start processing things differently. We're trying to be rational, but the signals aren't firing the same, because we're under stress. We forget things, get angry about small things, become more emotional... The only thing I have to offer is - cut yourself some slack. Know that you just can't understand why people react the way they do, but try not to dwell on it, and definitely lean on people who do understand, like your mom. It is a lonely process, especially if it's complicated (your brother, your MIL). Just remind yourself that you're doing the best you can at this time, you'll get through this initial shock and "new normal" in your own time - but do lean on people you can trust. Keep the good, and try to let the bad fall away.
Best to you in the next weeks and months...

I'm sorry your father passed away, and I'm sorry you're hurting. This is a rough time for you.

Are you expecting too much? Well, maybe, in a way. I think it's true that some people who really care will not show it much because they don't want to be intrusive. If you can figure out which ones they are (!), they will be loving and sympathetic toward you if you make the first move and give them permission, so to speak.

Others back off because - well, they simply have no idea of what to do or what to say. They may feel afraid they might make things worse for you. Of course, they're mostly thinking about not embarrassing themselves, but that's the way people are.

Others are wrapped up in their own lives. In an unbelievably short amount of time, folks go back to their own lives and their own concerns, anyway. That's the way the world is, too. You have to expect that. When someone we love dies, time stops for us, in a sense, but it doesn't stop for everyone else.

I remember reading the autobiography of Maria Von Trapp - the *real* Maria of the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, "The Sound of Music." Her husband, Captain Von Trapp, died just a few years after the family had come to the United States and started a music camp in New England. She was devastated, but she wrote that what surprised her most was that many people seemed to think she should have been all recovered from her grief after just a few weeks.

So, in a sense, we do all grieve alone. It's a pretty lonely road, and we have to travel it.

But we don't always have to be alone. Does your temple have a ministry to grieving people? Some churches, temples, and synagogues do. Would you be willing to check out if there are groups available near you? You would be with strangers, but strangers who are going through (or have gone through) what you're going through now, so they would understand how you feel and be happy to support you. It may be worth thinking about.

You're in my prayers.

I am sorry for your loss. Yes, you should have gotten a full refund. Not fair!

I am sorry you are not getting the sympathy you expected. I have been burned really really really really bad in the past by people with whom I expected sympathy.

I guess your closest friends don't have proper "death/grieving ettiquette." Since they are not reaching out to you, you have 2 choices: grieve and suffer through this alone, or reach out to them. Ask them if they will meet you for coffee so you can talk. I'm sure they would be happy to! All the best!

So sorry to hear about your loss. Grieving for a parent is just plain hard, and it has all sorts of unexpected twists. Feeling let down is tough on top of it. AV has some wise comments and suggestions, and I won't repeat them.

I am also Jewish, so I can share some thoughts based on my experience with our mourning practices. If you didn't do a formal shiva, perhaps that's why the rabbi hasn't come for a home visit. I don't know the custom in your synagogue or community, however I know that here in our small community in the south with a part-time rabbi, unless people actually have shiva at home, the rabbi doesn't come to the house. In terms of bringing food (a common way of giving support here), I brought food to the house of a colleague whose mother died when they didn't hold a shiva, however that's because I am particularly close to her. Otherwise, I might not have. Perhaps if you ask directly some of those people who sent kind wishes for company, assistance with your son, etc, you will find that they have just not known that you needed something. Also, if you want some religious support, perhaps your synagogue has daily services and you can ask that the group say kaddish with you. It is healing to say that prayer in community.

About the camp... could your son go anyway? Just a thought. Might it be a good break for him and for you? Otherwise, AV's ideas are good possibilities.

I'm sorry your brother is still absent. It is his loss, in my view, however it also is one of those things you can't change. It is good that you and your mother are together at this time; maybe you have an aunt/uncle/cousin who is also emotionally available. I know mine were good to see when my father died in 2011.

A last thought: Now is the time for you to begin forming your go-to memory of your father, the things you want to take away about who he was and what you got from being with him. Over this next year or so, the recollections of the last ten years when he was failing will begin to fade and you can replace them with the happy, helpful associations of when he was younger and healthier, raising you.

Sending many wishes that this grieving process. It is clear your father's memory will be for blessing.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and that you are not getting the support you need from your loved ones. Lots of people don't know what to say or don't want to bother a grieving family, I'm guessing your friends fall into this category. Just keep reaching out to those you feel can help you, and perhaps look into a support group for you and your mother. GriefShare is a great organization, I'm sure they have meetings in your area.
http://www.griefshare.org/

I'm sorry for your loss and I think the camp people are being ridiculous. Death in the family should be an exception. I would also think friends should definitely call back. You are reaching out to them in particular. I'm sorry they're being so lame. Otherwise all I can say is when friends' fathers have died, I haven't been close by to attend the funeral and I've tried to be supportive yet also am never sure how much is too much. I assume they're so busy and with family and I'm just going to be bugging them and likely they have even closer friends than me so who am I to keep asking them how they're doing?... So friends who maybe aren't so close or such good friends may feel as I have. And I think I'm a loyal, thoughtful friend. I do certainly send cards too. For the 2 best friends, I may send them an email and say clearly you really need to go do xyz with them. Is there something you really want to go do with them or talk to them about or it's the principal of the thing that they're not checking in? If they've expressed condolences, they may not know what to do otherwise. I think people don't view it as the same as the death of a child or spouse which is completely out of the order of how life should be. So if they haven't experienced the death of a parent themselves, they may be unclear what to do. But - not calling back is lame. I likely would put that in an email or do they typically not call back? If they typically do, I think I'd email and say "I don't understand. We usually chat x times a week and now of all times I need to just chat with someone, you can't call me back? What's going on?"

After my father died I dreaded people saying anything. It was too upsetting. In they knew he had died they were obligated to say, "sorry for your loss" but I would mumble thank you and scurry away. It sounds as if you want to talk about it and people may not know or understand that. Good-luck and hugs.

My dad died 10 years ago and it made me realize that many people are uncomfortable with grief. On my fist day back to work, I actually had a co-worker ask if I had a nice weekend.

I realize now that people don't know how it feels and just don't know how to support you. I, too, was disappointed by people who seemingly didn't care that I was hurting. But again - they just couldn't relate.

So I have two suggestions - first seek out a grief support group. I went to one that was sponsored by a local hospice program. It was helpful to talk to people who were in the midst of it all.

Second, ASK people for what you need. I don't think the slights are intentional but if you need a friend, call her and tell her you are having a rough time and could use a shoulder - or a dinner out.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss.

First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss.

It is hard not to feel neglected when you are going through this sort of thing. I honestly think that sometimes people are either just clueless or they have literally just forgotten how hard it is to go through the death of a loved one.

Though I have to say that I think your temple's response to refuse a refund for summer school is ridiculous. Maybe it's time to find a new temple. I would think that a place of worship would have more compassion than that! So sad.

In regards to your husband, maybe just tell him, "Hey, I'm still really hurting and I need your support." Then be specific about what you want him to do to comfort you. Sometimes being direct is the best way to get what you want. I know that sucks because you want him to just "know" but the reality is that verbalizing what you need will help both of you in your relationship and hopefully avoid more hurt feelings and isolation.

I'm not sure what to say about your brother. Do you want to have a relationship with him? If yes, then contact him and say so. I would guess that he is hurting too. Even if they didn't talk, it was still his dad and I imagine he has a lot of emotions about his passing having not talked to him for so long. Maybe he needs someone to reach out to him as well.

As for your close friends, I might suggest sending them a quick e-mail and saying, "Hey, I could really use a friend right now. Can we get together for coffee?" or something like that. Let them know that you need them. If they don't respond after that, then that is another story.

The rest of the people don't sound as if they are as important so just let it go. Try and be focus on the people that have reached out to you and be grateful for their friendship and compassion. You might also consider going to bereavement group. Sometimes just talking to other people who understand your pain can do wonders to get your through it.

Wishing you the best and praying that you heal soon.

You have every right to feel hurt, but I will let you know from experience that it is the grief. My mother passed away last August and I was upset at the people who couldn't be bothered to call or send a note, but on the flip side, I would get upset when anyone would give me condolences. I just wanted people to treat me like they did before, and got mad when they didn't, but on the opposite side of the coin if they acted like it never happened it upset me as well.
I was lucky enough to be allowed thru the hospice my mother used that they offered free grief counceling. I also was given a book by a friend called "Experiencing Grief" by H, Norman Wright. It really helped me realize ALL of my feelings we are part of the process. Your father's death is still very new, you have to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Don't hold back, or it will take longer to move on.
I am sorry for your loss,
T.

Speaking as someone who has had both parents pass, (my mom when I I was 21 and my dad when I was 27) people are scared, they don't know what to do or say, and DONT want to say the wrong thing. When my mom passed I was 21 with a 2 year old and a 6 week old, people didn't want to "add" more stress on me. I took care of all of the arraignments, the only "help" given to me by my husband were complaints that I was gone ALL DAY. When my dad died he and I didn't have the best relationship, he wasn't sick and it was unexpected. So people didn't know whether to say, Sorry for your loss, well at least you weren't that close or what. So they kept their distance, and truth be told I was fine with that, I am the type of person who would want to be left alone, my good friends get that, they would text me, "let me know if you need anything" "are you hungry" "need help" and things like that, we ALL have different needs and personalities.

Your clergy should have already paid you a visit!!! Thank the friends who are there because should you ever need them, they are the ones you can count on! as far as everyone else, they may just be scared. they don't want to say something you hurt you more. Death SUCKS!! and once they have to go thru it, they may reach out to you and apologize for not being there now. (my friend did that, she stopped speaking to me after my mom died because she couldn't understand how even after a month I wasn't "over it" yet. Her mom passed 7 years ago , and that was the first I had heard from her, the first words out of her mouth was "I'm so sorry, now I understand" and I forgave her and was there for her).

I am so sorry for your loss. you and your family will be in my prayers. Please PM me from time to time and let me know how you are doing. You are in a tough situation right now, and even though you may feel alone, you are not. (Hugs)

Sorry for your loss. You are expecting people to support you in a way they may not be able to. People likely assume that you want and need time alone. Your grief is fresh. You might try reaching out to some of these people and process their response. I bet they will be surprised to hear from you and would likely be relieved that you reached out. I think the expectation is that people will rally around and comfort you as long as you want/need and unfortunately, that's not the case always. It's hard to understand.....more difficult to accept.