Feeling Very Conflicted, Don't Even Know Where to Start

It breaks my heart to read your post. You deserve to be loved and happy.

You feel like you should sacrifice this part of your life for your children? What a heavy burden you are placing on them.. To make up for the love and family you do not have with your husband..

If they come to you in the future and tell you this exact thing you wrote, what will you advise them?

I was going to guess your husband has low tetosterone or is depressed, but if he is not willing to at least go to the doctor to find out, how can he expect you to stick around?

Instead I suggest you go to therapy. You need to work this all out and decide what is best for you. You are the mom, you set the tone for the home at this point.. Are you at your best? Are you modeling the type of marriage and home life you want for your children? These are the things you need to decide.

Life is way to short to be alone in a marriage. But this is just my own opinion.. And yes, I was the child of divorce and I knew EXACTLY what was going on in my parents marriage.. they could not hide it from me. It was amazing how much better it got for us, when our mother was happy and not just smiling on the outside..

Here's the way it sounds to me:

You are not getting what you want and you are not getting what you need. Your husband is not willing/wanting to meet your needs and wants. This has been going on for over five years.

You feel done. You think he is a good person, a good father, and a good friend. You don't think he is a good husband, for YOU.

So, no. That doesn't make you terrible. It just means you are ready to move forward with your life.

Just to reassure you, no, you are not a terrible person.

Only you can gage when enough is enough, sounds like you realize it's a question of choosing the lesser undesirable option, sigh, I'm sorry.

Thinking about you and sending you strength and clarity.

Whatever you choose, I think you are big hearted and emotionally healthy enough to make it work.

:)

Go to therapy B.. Even if he won't go, if you find a good therapist they can help you tremendously. You aren't a bad person. There is only so much you can do and so much you can accept, and you're the only one who can say if and when you're finished.

I think it would be a shame to live the rest of your life this way. It doesn't benefit the kids when people do this. They understand exactly what is going on and it's not a good example of a relationship for them to grow up seeing.

You deserve to be happy. We get one go around in this life. Go talk to someone and get some clarity. Your choice will become clear.

Sending you a hug~

I think I'd print this out and leave it accidentally lying around.

You know the answer to this question already. You need to move on because clearly things are not goint to get better. The only way this can happen is for him to get out of your house. Tell him tonight that you will need him to leave and give him a couple weeks to find something. And be perfectly honest-you decided that you deserve more in your life and it is FINALLY time to pursuit it.

One more thing-
there has got to be something up with him to not want sex. My guesses are its either medical or he has a girlfriend or he is gay. I bet you anything its one of those. He is using you to help him iwth his cost of living-period.

I'm sorry - you deserve better than this...

You need to tell him to move out and move on... you are done with his games...

EVERYONE deserves love...you aren't getting it..you have children together and THIS is the example you are setting for them...for love, marriage, life - is THIS what you want them to mirror?

if the answer is a resounding no - stand up for yourself and your children and say ENOUGH!!! You are NOT a terrible person for calling it quits...break the cycle and break it NOW!!!!

Good luck to you. It sounds like a sad situation to be in. I think you will be doing your kids a bigger favor by getting out of a loveless relationship, especially since he has no desire to get any help. It would be very different if he were willing to work as hard as you at the relationship. Set a good example for your kids and maybe think about the advice you would give them in the future if they were in the same situation. I'm guessing you would not want them to go through life unhappy. Again, good luck and keep us posted.

Your situation sounds very lonely and very sad. Your children are not going to benefit from being in a home where there is no love shown between mom and dad. Kids are very intuitive, so don't think for a second they can't sense unhappiness. For the sake of not only your children, but yourself, it sounds like you need to leave, and stay gone. You've gone down the right path before, now he needs to do the same. It sounds like all he wants is a best friend, housekeeper, and maid, which is not what a SO should be(even though we are that as well :)) Do everyone a favor and take control of the situation and stick with your decision! good luck

The fact that you say he is your best friend shows there is LOVE. But is it romantic love or the type of love you would feel for a brother? The answer to that question doesn't sound like it really matters anyway since your hubby is unwilling to seek counseling. It sounds like he DOES love you since he followed you back in January. It seems like the problem is that you're no longer IN-love with one another. Do you still see any of the qualities in your husband that made you fall in love with him to begin with? Does he still see them in you? Is there any way to get back to that place again? You know the answer to all of these questions if you search deep within yourself. If the answer is no, then you already know what needs to be done. You are NOT a bad person for getting out. My ex-husband and I are finally with people that are perfect for us. We're both very happy and so is our son. Good luck!

I sometimes feel like my husband and I are drifting apart. First there was the exciting romance of dating and getting to know each other, then there was the excitement of getting married, then the excitement of having our children. Now we are in that "focused on the children more than each other stage." He works tirelessly at his work and has reaped many rewards from it and I enjoy raising our kids, but often we are too exhausted to expend any time on each other. I have recently picked up the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. He talks about the phenomenon of falling in love is euphoric, but sooner or later the tingles and butterflies diminish and we are left with our flawed selves. He says most people have the belief that we can either choose to stay in a loveless marriage or give up and become another divorce statistic like over 50% of the couples in this country or we can choose to fight for a more mature, realistic love that doesn't have its head in the clouds. It talks about these five basic love languages that people possess and helps you discover your own as well as your spouses. It is a very interesting and enlightening read. It really talks about shifting your mindset of nagging, demanding, ridiculing and manipulating to an attitude of kindness and forgiveness. I urge you to pick up a copy and read it and then try some of the suggestions on your hubby if for nothing else than an experiment in human behavior. I hope you are able to work things out. I don't think you are a terrible person at all. Making a marriage flourish is serious work. Everyone needs to invest in their marriage, whether they are newlyweds or at the dreaded 7 year itch mark or beyond. Everybody deserves a second chance especially if it is something worth fighting for. Good luck and God Bless!
A.

Ok, Been there done that. We finally separated and 2 years later I am now divorced. I am happy, the children and the dog are happier... Is it great, no, I have no money, house payments are behind, can't keep the bills current. But I am happy....i have done marriage counseling with my ex and I did counseling on my own before the separation. I read the book five languages of love and it is so true and a quick read and I saw someone else mentioned it. It gave me information about what to do where I was but if the other person does not respond...........well.....Anyway, we coexisted for over 7 years, I got ill and nothing happened still that was my breaking point. So you do what is best for you just remember that your happiness and health are important to you and also to your children. I wish you the best and just want you to know others have been in your shoes......hugs

I think you know deep down the answer - divorce. It would be different if he was WILLING to go to counseling or willing to try to HEAR you and your needs and wanting to change - but he does not. He is to comfortable in his lifestyle to not do a thing. Life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. I made the huge mistake of sticking around like 15 years too long in a marriage that was not a 'marriage' for the kids -- big mistake ! The kids even said after the fact - 'do you think we were happy when you and dad were together yet fighting all the time ?' 'We would have been happier if it ended sooner than later.' I wish I could go back in time and change things, knowing what I know now. I would have divorced this guy so much sooner. Fear holds us from making rational decisions. Since you want something that He is not providing, and you have made that very clear - you just need to get yourself out of this. He wants a room mate not a wife. He can move in with a male buddy and have the same relationship. You are not a terrible person for calling it quits, your children will be grateful and happy when their mom is happy.
I have to say, this situation you describe is SO common, that is the reason I have decided not ever to marry again, or date, because every relationship I have ever seen always ends - to me there is no point in ever getting involved with someone, because there is Always an end unfortunately (that's another story). Good luck on your decision, pray and follow your heart.

What you are describing is a relationship that has long past it's time. Please get out and take your kids with you. You are worried about depriving them of thier dad but you are depriving them of a happy healthy mom. Kids learn from you and all you are teaching them right now is how to be un happy in a relationship.

You are not a terrible person because you want to leave so that you can get your needs meet. You deserve to be loved and to be in a happy health relationship. Like you said you know what to do. My question is what's the hold up?

I was in a similar type marriage...two people married, living separately. Like yourself, I did EVERYTHING including handling his business' finances (I have a FT job too). I felt like a servant to him, the person who was there to take care of him and bail him out of his spending messes. Most important, I realized that i didn't want my daughter to see me treated this way and to think that was OK or normal. I am divorced a year now, and except for the times I have to interact with my (very needy) former husband, my life has been great. I have a good job and am responsible with my money, so all bills are paid. I have traveled many times this past year (with my daughter) and am looking forward to meeting new people (yes, men) with whom I can share my great life.

You say you know what you need to do; then do it! You are worth being loved and your children will be happier seeing you happy. Stay strong and best of luck.