Is Everyone Married to Their "Best Friend" but Me? !

Updated on February 13, 2009
N.K. asks from Brentwood, TN
58 answers

My husband and I have been married for 14 years..it's been a rough road from day one but we managed to stay together. He's got many redeeming qualities-smart, handsome, funny. But he's also selfish, argumentative and controlling. Lately, we argue constantly (mostly over parenting)and I wonder whether our children would be better off with us separated. He's a screamer and I am too...we try not to argue in front of the children but we're not perfect. Whenver I read the posts on this site, the mothers always say "married to my best friend" or something about their "sweetheart." neither apply to my husband. Sometimes, I wonder if I married the wrong man and everyone else is happy but me.. Is it normal to feel this way? WE have alot on our plate and therefore alot of stress but I feel we work against each other. We've talked about our problems for years but nothing seems to change. Does anyone else feel unhappy in their marriage? Does any have advice on what would be better for our children-divorce or stay married?

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M.H.

answers from Raleigh on

Try the book "The Five Love Language". http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/
You can read the book in a day. It is short and to the point about how different types of people show love and feel loved. I'm a very logical person and this book isn't too cheesey.

I feel loved when my husband does "acts of service" (the dishes ...) w/o being asked. My husband feels loved when I praise him. I was doing acts of service for him (he didn't care) and he was praising me (I just wanted him to do the dishes). By showing him love in the way he recognizes and vice-versus, everyone is much happier.

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C.F.

answers from Lexington on

My husband may be my best friend now, but it hasn't always been that way. We were together for 6 years before we got married. The first few years were far from blissful. Marriage is really hard work for a lot of people. The best thing I have done for my marriage is get the book Created to be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. It has completely changed my ways of thinking, and my marriage. I HIGHLY recommend it!!
C.

T.C.

answers from Lexington on

You two need individual counseling and then marriage counseling. My husband is my best friend, but we don't slobber over each other either. Neither of us think the other is perfect, but if the both of you aren't working together on everything, nothing is going to work out.
Just talking about the 2 of you having problems will accomplish NOTHING, you HAVE TO DO SOM

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S.D.

answers from Nashville on

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and marriage is not easy. It takes a lot of work to have a good marriage. What I learned years ago was that you can't sweat the little things. You have to choose your battles or you will be arguing about everything.

The only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him. But, sometimes by changing what you do he will react differently. Therapists call that changing the dance.

Start by trying this. Stop raising your voice. If he raises his voice say to him, "I am not raising my voice at you. Please don't raise your voice at me." If he says ugly things to you say, "I am not talking to you like that. Please don't talk to me like that." Or, "I am not calling you names. Please do not call me names." Start by not accepting any behavior that is unacceptable to you. And more importantly start by not doing any behavior to him that you do not want him to do to you.

Listen to what he has to say. Then reflect it back to him. Say, "OK I think what you are saying is this...." Then you state your opinion on the subject. If he starts to argue say, "I don't think you heard me. What did I just say?" Really try to listen to him and try to get him to listen to you.

Now if changing how you react doesn't make the situation better then start talking to him about going to a marriage counselor. Ask your friends if any of them have gone to a marriage counselor and who they think is good. You can ask your child's pediatrician, your OB-GYN, your pastor, etc. for names. Ask them to tell you who they think the top 3 marriage counselors in town are and go visit all three therapists without your hubby and decide which one you think will be a good fit for the two of you. If you get there and your husband does not think it is a good fit for him schedule an appointment with another therapist.

Divorce is usually not the answer. Figuring out how to make your marriage work is usually the answer. You have 4 boys to think about and they deserve parents who love each other. And more important you both deserve a happy marriage. If after you try everything you can think of to make it work try something else!

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L.D.

answers from Raleigh on

Dear N.,
I suppose I am biased since I am a marriage counselor but there is an alternative to divorce or staying in an unhappy marriage. Your children will be better off in a home with a solid, working marriage. It sounds as if you and your husband are talking but not listening. Make no mistake, your children are aware of the problems even if you manage to not fight in front of them. Those problems will not go away with a divorce but they will put your children in the middle. When you divorce all those tensions will be filtered through the kids and they become the rope in a tug of war. It takes two to fight but only needs one to stop the escalation. A good therapist, and a willingness on your and your husband's part, can turn your marriage into the one you have always wanted. Staying together for the sake of the children rarely works, but putting your marriage back together for them frequently does.

Good luck,
L. D.

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W.M.

answers from Louisville on

Hi N..
You are not alone. I have been with my hubby for 20 years. He was my high school sweetheart. No, our marriage is not perfect, yes we do argue, yes, sometimes I wonder how in the world we stay together. By the grace of God. I pray a lot and ask God to change me. How I do things, see things, etc. I know I can't change him, but I can change me and how I deal with things. I am not telling you this is the magical answer, but in my view of things, marriage is worth fighting for. We have had rough roads, our youngest daughter was born with multiple heart defects, kidney defects, bladder defects. We have endured surgeries, bills, stress of handling another child, etc. We have not had an easy road, as I know you and many others haven't either. I don't want you to think my life is pie in the sky and we have all the answers. I got to Church, my husband wont, that has caused much strife between us, but I continue doing what I know I should do and hope for the best. I have worked for attorneys for years and it is amazing to me how people view divorce. Like it solves your problems because you have a piece of paper??? You still have to deal with him because of your children. That paper doesn't make him go away. I guess what I am saying is is that divorcing doesn't typically make all the problems go away, mostly magnifies them. Now keep in mind this what I have seen in 14 years of working for attorneys and watching my own parents. I do not have all the answers by no means. I do hope you will seek the Lord about the issues and continue pressing on.
W. from Indiana

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V.C.

answers from Wheeling on

Is everyone married to their best friend? I've been married 32+ years (also -- I read Marlene's post), and we still love each other, but we kind of got off on the wrong foot at the beginning and haven't really 'liked' each other very well. At times we like each other a LOT, just not 'well'. So am I married to my 'best friend'? Yes and No. Ours (like yours sound to be) are mostly basic personality difference (we're OPPOSITES!!)
Quick quiz:
Is he faithful to you?
Is he financially responsible (works regularly and pays bills on time)?
Does he maintain the vehicles and the house (or let you hire someone to)?
Is he honest?
Does he truly care about the physical, mental, and financial well-being of you and the kids?
Do you have the same basic values for your kids (and the differences are usually about small, immediate things)?
Does he let you be your own person and not manipulate, dominate and/or restrict you and your interests?
If you answer 'yes' to the ones of these questions that are most important to YOU, I'd say you have a 'good' marriage. No one's is perfect and they ALL go through stages and fluctuations of emotions and moods. If he's basically on board about his family, see it through. If he's abusive and/or uncaring, move on without him.

P.S. If you'll notice, it seems that most 'military' wives say that they are married to their best friends. I think it has a lot to do with them having to concentrate on and prioritize what's TRULY imporant - in marriage and in life -- with major and imminent issues such as deployment/separation, possiblity of being killed, faithfulness, etc. Our daughter is one of these . . .

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A.R.

answers from Knoxville on

You sound like me and my mom and my grandma. Let's face it some of us are just peaceful, happy, comfortable people. And then there are those of us who are passionate, loud and argumentative. We have an opinion and we express it. I yell, my husband yells, and I remember my family yelling at each other. I am not saying that is the best way to express yourself. I love my husband to death he is my best friend but sometimes I want to stab him with a fork between his eyes. We are always on a different page when it comes to parenting and a few other things that result in some pretty heated arguments but I don't think I would be any happier with someone else. Just because you have an opinion, express it and sometimes get mad doesn't mean you don't love each other. Were you like this before kids? Some people fall right into the parenting role naturally. I am more like that commercial "I have fallen and I can't get up." Do what you have to but I came from a family that yelled and carried on quite a bit. I love them and they love me. Does everyone have to be the same?

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C.P.

answers from Memphis on

N., since you and your husband both realize you have problems, and seem to have a desire to fix them, I'm going to suggest getting counseling. Don't just talk about it, do it. Divorce would be a last resort. Counseling could help you two. With a good counselor, you can find out what you're each contributing to the marriage and work on yourselves, then the marriage. We all have our flaws and we have to acknowledge those if we want things to get better. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it's a daily process to make it good. My husband and I have a very good marriage, but far from perfect. We are determined to make it work. I came from a home of screaming and arguing, and it did damage to my self-esteem and confidence. My parents loved each other, but my dad just couldn't seem to get it together because of his seriously flawed upbringing. Anyway, with 4 boys, the stress has got to be overwhelming. Get help. There is hope. If you aren't in church, please search to find a good one. There are no perfect churches, but when you get in a church of loving people, they can help make you stronger. As it's said, ' Birds of a feather flock together.' Don't expect perfection in the church. You're dealing with lots of personalities and human beings, but there are good people there. Seek out people who will be there for you and whom you can do the same. More than anything, pray. Ask God to help you. The Lord loves marriage between man and woman, and He loves you and will be there for you if you'll ask Him. You can do this if you're willing to work on it. I'll be praying for your family. Best wishes.

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A.F.

answers from Nashville on

Sometimes when people are under a lot of stress they lash out at the closest thing to them. They just feel so crummy that they think that someone should share the burden thinking it might relieve them of theirs. My husbnad explained this to me one day when we were arguing. Even if your spouse is " your best friend" there are still disagreements what makes them a " best friend" is willing to air those disagreements and flaws and still see the best in you and want to be a part of your life.

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D.T.

answers from Wheeling on

Oh my dear N.,
Being married is hard work. Add children to a marriage and there are arguments, even yelling involved. So what? My husband didn't become my best friend the first 30 years, but, now that our children are grown, he "almost" falls into that category. Still, there are things I only share with my best girl friends, men just don't get somethings. You have 4 boys!! For God's sake, it can't be easy for you. The idea that there would be no yelling seems just unrealistic. Honestly, N., it goes with the territory. As far as parenting is concerned, maybe he should take care of their rearing? I don't know? I remember watching a National Geographic program on elephants. Long story short, there was a herd of young male elephants that lived near a village. They terrorized this village, killing some of the people by charging them, even destroying their homes. Scientists realized the absence of male adult elephants in the herd. The young male elephants had only female adult role models, which presented a totally different problem within that herd, it was very disturbing. The younger teen male elephants went crazy, they had no role models. So, animal activists along with scientists transplanted adult male elephants in this herd and the whole dynamics changed. They were now put in their place and had to correct their teen behavior for fear the older males in the herd would discipline them, and they feared them.
I realize children aren't elephants, but, when I see mother's argue with their husbands over parenting, sometimes, not always though, I wonder if the toughness of the dad is really what is needed over the softness of the mom?
Honestly, I tell my daughter if I had only known my 5 year old grandson 40 years ago, I really doubt I would have had so many arguments with her dad. Getting to know the mind of a small boy, the way a grandmother does at least, makes me wonder if men aren't just very tall 5 year old boys? The self centered part and selfishness is what I mean. I love my grandson, and I finally realize the enormous difference between the sexes. I mean it......Men are from Mars, N....they really are. But, I suspect you know that. Hang in there N., maybe when you're old and gray you'll feel like he's your best friend. Take it from an old married lady. Being happy has nothing to do with anyone but yourself. Marriage can't make you happy, men can't make you happy....it has to be within yourself. If anyone tells you differently, their wrong. Good luck and have a happy and prosperous New Year!

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C.L.

answers from Memphis on

Have ya tried counseling? I know my husband is my best friend too but there are times that we just don't see eye to eye either. Try sitting down and looking at each other and set some ground rules about your arguments. Like talking and no screaming. Be honest with each other. Ask what the other thinks and what they want. When ya get frustrated or angry and want to scream just count to 10 and take some deep breathes. I know the best lesson for me is to never speak quickly and to think about my answers before saying it no matter how angry or mad I get. That way I will never have to worry about things I have said in anger or have regrets later. People say things in anger that they really don't mean. But once it's said there's no taking it back. When I get to the point that I simply can not talk anymore because I am not able to keep control or keep it civil then I say it's break time and just walk away. When we have both thought things out and have calmed down then we can chat again. Marriage is not an easy thing at times and it takes alot of hard work to make it work. Only you know what's best for you and your family. Life is just too short and precious to be so unhappy and fighting all the time. I wish you good luck in your marriage and will keep ya in my prayers. Have a great day, take care and God Bless ya.

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G.M.

answers from Raleigh on

There are many times when I dont like my husband. our husbands sound familiar, wonderful men but don't get along sometimes. I found that the problem was me. I don't know if this is you or not,b ut I began noticing that the very act of my husband walking into the room enraged me. He annoyed me at every turn and I just prefered not to be around him. I was also constantly angry and having arguments with him before they even happened.

I knew that it wasn't right or rational for me to feel that way. It turns out that my saratonin (?) never balanced out from childbirth and that was causing my feelings. It was really facinating when the psychologist explained how the brain/chemicals work.

Before you throw in the towel, see medical advice. If you're in the Raleigh area, I can suggest a great Dr. It was weird walking into a psychiatrist's office because I felt crazy and defective but it was nothing i could control or have prevented.

I would exhaust all avenues before I seperated. Good luck, let me know if you need any more info.

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J.S.

answers from Fayetteville on

The most valuable advice I have ever received on marriage has come from the women that I attend Bible Study with. They say to focus on the positive aspects of your husband. Surely, there is some reason why you wanted to marry him those 14 years ago. I have also read The Four Love Languages, Love and Respect, and The Excellent Wife in an effort to improve our marriage and the knowledge that I gleaned from each of those books has helped tremendously...mostly in changing how I look at my husband and what I do for our marriage.

You are the only one who can change your attitude. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I would strongly suggest you surround yourself with people who build up marriage, rather than tear it down. It's true, that you and your husband may need counselling, but I think that there's a lot YOU can do before you take that step. If you are Christians, I would strongly suggest you get involved in a Bible Study that is focused on marriage together with your spouse. If he is unwilling, I would suggest joining a women's study that focuses on marriage...you get the picture. Above all else, the best thing you can do for your family is pray.

All that being said, my parents divorced when I was 10, and I married a divorcee. My stepfather is a wonderful man, and I am forever thankful that the Lord put him in our lives. I cannot imagine that my mother would have survived staying married to my father, who was incredibly manipulative. My husband is amazing, and I can't think of life without him, so of course I'm thankful that his first marriage didn't work out, even though he is definitely emotionally scarred because of it. Everyone I know who has gone through a divorce has come out the other side differently...some are thankful, some are bitter, some are depressed...but all are wounded. It is very hard on everyone involved.

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M.P.

answers from Memphis on

I used to think that I was married to my best friend. Our marriage of 13 yrs. has also been rocky, and it has gotten more complicated in the past year with his and both of our sons' diagnoses of bipolar. I am still struggling to understand what is happening. I know that he is not the person that I turn to first. I have always had several girlfriends and mentors that I could go to at anytime. I am involved in a Biblical guidance and counseling program because I have always believed that marriage really was "til death do us part." I do not think love is a feeling so much as it is an action. My vow is my bond, and although my husband has broken it, I do not feel that I have been released from my bond yet. Now, I do have close friends that have divorced, including two of my best friends. They are both very happy and are supportive of my choice either way. As for the best scenario for children, every study I have seen has shown that children do best in a two-parent home, provided that they are not being abused. I know at this point that I am rambling, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone out here!

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S.P.

answers from Louisville on

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time in your marriage right now! I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done. By God's grace, my husband and I are still together as well. Last year was the hardest we've ever been through. It was the first time I ever had the thought "I'd be better off single". It was scary. I certainly didn't feel like I was married to my best friend!
I guess I just want to beg you to stay in your marriage. I know it's hard, and that things feel desperate right now...but hang it there! My husband comes from a divorced home and it has had such a terrible impact on him. His mother asked him once if he would've rather her stayed with his dad and been unhappy and he said emphatically YES! His response was..."that's what you vowed to do when you married him". He still has terrible scars and wishes they were together and he's 29. It tears him up.
So I beseech you to stay with your husband through the good and the bad. That's the promise we made. We are called to keep it. Again, I am so sorry things are so hard. I can totally identify with you. My prayers go out to you. May the Lord grant you strength and perseverance!

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T.A.

answers from Charleston on

It sounds like you and your husband have become locked in a pattern that is hard to break. With that much time invested in your marriage, and 4 kids that will have to go through a divorce as well, I would definitely consider counseling. There is also a wonderful book called "The Love Dare" that might be helpful to you. It was the focus of the movie "Fireproof" which should be out on dvd soon. It would be worth your time to pick this up. It focuses on changing your behavior toward your mate one small step at a time...and when you change your behavior, you may find that not only is his behavior changing as well, but so are your feelings. I hope that everything works out for you.

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B.S.

answers from Charleston on

No where in your post did I see the word love mentioned. Do you love your husband and does he love you? Like mentioned below only you and him can decide what is best for you and your family. I would go to a counselor alone and as a couple to see if you can work out your problems. Mostly it is the children who get hurt the most by divorce.

Both of you should set down and make a list of good things and the things that you find wrong in your marriage and work on changing the things on your wrong list.

It takes two to make a relationship/marriage work. Both involved as equal partners.

I knew my husband a couple of before we got married, and no he wasn't my best friend. He became my best friend throughout the 29 years that we have been married. We have had our problems like any other married couple but, we sit down and talk about them and try to find the best solution for them.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you both decide to do. God bless you and your family.

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E.R.

answers from Clarksville on

N.,

Have you seen the recent movie "Fireproof"? If I can suggest anything different than the other suggestions of counseling, get this movie and the companion book "Love Dare". It talks of leading the heart, as often the heart can be deceived. Marriage is work. I often tell newlyweds that if they put as much time, money, love & support into the marriage as they do the wedding day, then there would be much less divorce. Often we go all out for the wedding, but won't spend the time or money to maintain the marriage...I hope this helps!

Saying a prayer for you & yours...

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K.H.

answers from Huntington on

N.-
Let me let you in on a little secret...most of those women who say their husband is their best friend are liars. :-) OK, 'liar' might be a little harsh, but what they want the world to think by that is that their husbands are perfect (as men/husbands/fathers), meet all their needs and are the exact ying to her yang. THERE IS NO SUCH MAN (or woman, for that matter).

To be best friend, you both have to work at it. You have to overlook (some) bad habits and traits and sometimes think of the other person. BOTH of you have to do this.

I would suggest professional help so you and your husband can develop the tools to be that good friend to each other. We sometimes get too comfortable w/our sig other and don't give them the common courtesty we give to someone in the checkout line. If you both are willing, it will help not only your marriage, but bleed out to other areas of your life (friends, family, kids).

If nothing works, getting a divorce is not a failure. I think kids do the best with happily (read: people like each other and not lots of yelling/screaming/manipulation)married parents, but happy divorced parents beat unhappily married ones. I speak from experience there.

God bless you N. and good luck to you!!

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A.J.

answers from Raleigh on

I hear you girl! You have tons of responses and sorry b/c I don't have time to read then in case I reiterate something.
So here are a couple books I've been reading that have REALLY helped me out. I think I may have even heard about them on here... I would suggest trying to have you both read it, either together or in parts and then schedule 'dates' to talk about it. Divorce is bad for sooo many reasons. In some cases it yes may be the best way to go, but in most cases it is just the easy way out. Resulting in tons of damage emotionally to EVERYONE involved no matter the age and for years to come. We all just need to work on ourselves and that is not ever as easy as it sounds. Best of luck! :)

His Needs Her Needs (can't remember the author... maybe Chapman?) Then Barbara and Allan Peace (married) have wrote several. I personally nag all the time and need to just shut my mouth! :) So this is the one that I found and like (my husband liked it too) Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes. I think their orignial one was Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps.

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J.G.

answers from Greensboro on

With so many marriages breaking up today. Couples need to step back and see what they themselves can do to change. Doing the same thing when a disagreement comes up is a step towards an ever burning fire with heaps of fuel being dumped on it. Making it bigger and bigger. One must chose to be the exampole. Listen even if you don't want to. Don't hold grudges. Always show love towards each other even if it's a one way thing. I lost the love of my life because I was so selfish. And latter learned that his love for me was so great. Even though he was like your husband in so many ways. Think before you even say that "D" word. I often wonder how people who love each other so much end up leaving over silly matters. If you need some one to talk to find someone at a church a good one. If you want to save your marriage. Remember what you liked about him and don't dwell on what you don't like. Take care of yourself don't be really selfish just little things that you like to do. But if he makes you feel as if he is a physical threat to you leave. You have to be strong.

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C.G.

answers from Raleigh on

N.,

I too am not married to my "best friend". We are very different people. I'm really easy going and undecisive while he's the exact opposite. I made a list, as one of the other ladies said, and decided to keep updating it. Do you love him? Can you see the reasons why you argue? If it's mostly about parenting, or whatever, counseling sounds like a great idea just so someone else can hear what you both say. That may give you insight that you wouldn't hear otherwise. There are MANY people not married to their best friend so don't feel alone. Just take each problem at a time, weigh them, and see if your children will thrive better in a household with both of your arguing or living seperately but without one parent. Good luck.

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V.J.

answers from Hickory on

I have been married for 15 years and about to add one more to that in February. I have to say that I am definately not married to my best friend. I have met many people who say they are married to their best friend and they are the ones who really make their whole world revolve around their spouse.

When I think of my husband I have to honestly say that I admire him. There has been a lot of challenges facing us throughout the years including marrying young and having kids right away. Recent years we have had to deal with religious differences and completing repairs on a home that I advocated against buying. Throw in trying to run a farm and you are set up for disaster.

Through all the years I look back and try to think of the good times. The kids are important to us but they can't be central. I am trying to find things that we can do together as husband and wife, this too has been tough. What can you find to do that two people who are totally different would like? But I guess I have to remember that it is not about feelings. It is about actions. When I married my husband I vowed to love, honor and obey. I vowed essentially to prefer his thoughts and opinions over even my own. This means laying down my life and serving him to the best of my ability. I try to follow his ideas even when I am doubtful. Sometimes they work out and other times he sees why they would be wrong.

I think for my relationship it is all about patience. I have to remember that I did not marry a perfect person. I have to also remember that he didn't either. Arguing in front of the kids is damaging to them and sets them to think that life is supposed to look like that. Imagine what you are setting your future daughter-in-laws up for. Listen carefully to what he is saying. Don't put into his words what you think he is saying. Ask questions like, "When you said _______, did you mean ______?" or "When you say you think __________, what do you mean?" These types of questions will help to open up communication and at least allow him to explain himself.

I don't think my husband and I will ever acheive best friend status. But look at couples of the past. Are they really best friends, or have they been together so long that they just know what each other prefers? Try to start figuring out what he prefers, and then try giving it to him. It could be dinner at a certain time or a certain way. It could be the way your hair is done or the type of clothes he likes. It could be something as simple as making sure the bed is made. Just think about things that he has said he would prefer.

I remember a story I heard one time. A man woke up and decided that he no longer loved the woman sitting across from him. He didn't want a divorce so he decided to do something about it. Every day he served her in a different way. The first day it was taking the car in to get serviced, the next making the morning coffee. As time went on he continued doing one thing every day just for his wife. One morning at the breakfast table he looked up at his wife and realized just how much he truly loved her. Nothing in her changed, it was the change that started in him.

I hope you will have a blessed New Year and you will make the best decision for your family.

V. J

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D.D.

answers from Knoxville on

My husband and I have been married for nearly 14 years also. I can appreciate your feelings and can relate. I would say for the sake of everyone involved, try counseling first. It may be that you two realize that separating is the best or that you both really do care about each other and don't want to give up. My husband and I had trouble for a couple of years with tons of resentment on both sides. I did not think that he cared about me and that he was selfish. Through counseling I realized that I was part of the problem. And I realize that he is a good man who loves me and our family. I think counseling can help you resolve a lot of issues and communicate better with one another. It will help you both to see the others side of things too. I will say that I was done...ready to call it quits. When it came to crunch time, I realized that I wasn't willing to quit yet and that giving up our family was not what I wanted. I will tell you that it was a TOUGH row to hoe and it took some time. But things are much better now and we are both glad we stuck it out. I would say to you, try the counseling so that you can say you tried everything. Whether you stay together or not, you will still have to communicate with one another because you have kids. If you resolve your issues regardless of what happens, it will make things a lot easier. Good luck to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I remember the feeling and it is not a good place to be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope what ever is best for you happens.

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J.B.

answers from Nashville on

You have gotten a lot of good responses (I didn't read them all) but I just wanted to add one more voice saying you're not alone, and I'll be praying for you and your husband. I still wouldn't consider my husband my best friend ( I desperately hope one day we will be able to say that), but God has already done so much in our marriage over the last year's time. Our marriage has been rocky (6 years) and we tottered on the brink of divorce for the first 5 years, but joining a marriage ministry group at our church has made a huge difference. (Previously we had tried a couples retreat, counseling, and I had read countless books). Something about him talking to other christian husbands and seeing we weren't alone in our struggle made a huge difference for him though. Among others I highly recommend the book Love and Respect, its the book the marriage ministry went through this year.We still have a lot of things to work through, but we are now both committed to sticking around and making our marriage work.

Marriage is a sacred covenant between not only a man and woman, but God as well. As such, not only does God hate divorce, but He LOVES marriage and is on your side when you're working to save one. He wants to help both you and your husband have a fulfilling marriage. I know you've been married much longer than I, but I encourage you to not give up. Divorce won't solve you and your husband's issues anyway. You all have 4 children together. Your lives are now forever linked, and if the main thing you all argue over is parenting that surely won't get better...and likely worse after divorce.

So no I don't think it will be better for your children for you to divorce, but it's also not good for them to see you and your husband in a miserable marriage. So the only recourse would be to not just stay together, but to get whatever help necessary to heal your marriage and pray for God to show you all how to make strides toward a fulfilling marriage. What I've come to realize recently is the marriage covenant is not just to not get divorced. It's to continue to love, honor, and respect each other...to both give 100% (not 50/50) to the marriage. I honestly think that type of marriage is impossible on our own (I believe true forgiveness and unconditional love can only come through God). Seek counsel, and lean on God's strength...not your own. Be open to changing the way you approach/think about certain issues like not responding with yelling (if it hasn't worked after 14 years it's probably not going to work =)). We all have tendencies and habits but we don't have to be captive to that. You and he don't have to remain screamers...at least not in every argument. Oh and lastly (and I hope as our son gets older we'll do the same). Try being up front with your kids about your marriage. No they don't have to know all your issues, but you can tell them Mommy and Daddy are human and fight just like they do sometimes, but you love each other and are committed (hopefully true for both) to this marriage and are praying and trying your best to figure out a better way to deal with your issues, etc. I think part of the society's high divorce rate comes from false expectations, and not being aware that marriage isn't about lovey dovey cloud nine-or even cloud 1- feelings, but that true love is about commitment. You all have already demonstrated for your boys the commitment to stay together, now you just need to work on demonstrating commitment to treat each other with love, honor,and respect and striving toward the kind of marriage God wants for you (this can't be done just for the kids however).
Anyway this has gotten really long so I'll end by saying I pray God will help heal and enfuse your marriage with His love, but even before you can see any changes take comfort in the fact that God is there (and has always been there). He doesn't protect us from all life's pain and trials, but he sees us through them...you are never alone.

Love in Christ,
J.

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B.E.

answers from Asheville on

My husband and I will be married for 30 years this coming July. He was not my best friend when I married him and we have had our share of rough times where we also considered divorce. But I am glad that we did not go that way because he is now my best friend. Marriage takes a lot of work!! I just got done reading the Christian Book, "Fireproof" It is really good and I would suggest it to everyone. Coming from parents that where divorced when I was very young, I can tell you it had a big negative impact on my life. One that I carried over into adulthood and my marriage. I would strongly urge you both to get marriage counseling and learn to disagree constructively. It is a lot of work to put a marriage back together but if each of you do not work on your own issues, you will take them into your next marriage and have to deal with them again. God Bless you both, I pray you are able to work things out and I also pray that God will bless you family and marriage. B. E.

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M.M.

answers from Knoxville on

Hi N.,
I didn't read any of your other advice posts, so I'm sorry if I am echoing someone else. It sounds like you and your husband really need to go talk to someone if you want to save your marriage. This is just my opinion and what I would do if it were me. Divorce is the easy way out. I think kids need their parents to be together, and to be happy too. You owe it to your kids to fix whatever problems you and your husband have with each other. The first step is to make an appointment with a marriage counselor and then go from there. I grew up with a mother who yelled and screamed at my dad and me and my sister all the time, and so I thought that was normal. When I married my husband and started yelling and screaming and throwing things at him, like my mom did to my dad, My husband said "NO" you are NOT going to treat me like that, and it's NOT normal. I don't know what kind of marriage your parents' modeled for you and your husband, but if it was anything like mine, it was not all good.Going to talk to a professional helps you decide which traits you admired in your parents, which behaviors were normal and healthy, and recognizing which behaviors were not healthy, and choosing for yourselves how you want to raise your kids. My husband and I probably should have went to counseling before, but somehow we have gotten through things without it so far. Neither one of us has seriously contemplated divorce yet, or at least verbalized it to each other. We have had some pretty bad arguments, to where one of us has got in the car and left for awhile, usually him. We have been married for 8 years and have a seven year old daughter, and one on the way in April. I don't consider my husband my best friend and he really drives me crazy sometimes, but I love him and still want to be with him forever no matter what. I also don't think people can keep up that lovey, dovey, mushy, squishy kind of relationship forever and ever. Probably a lot of these women are either newly weds or are writing what they wish were true. To me, real love goes beyond all that fairytale stuff. I do believe you should still have a romantic(sexual) relationship, but I also believe it comes in waves. Sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's not. What really matters in the end is that you can count on each other to do what's best for the marriage and for the children. Is that always easy? No way.....but if most people would lay down their pride and treat each other the way we want to be treated, we would be a lot happier.....me included. If you still love your husband and he says he still loves you, and you both want to save your marriage then do something about it. It is not going to get better by itself. And if you believe in God, then pray that God will heal your marriage and lead you to a good counselor.
Good Luck and hang in there "for" your kids. If you ask most kids of divorced parents, they will tell you, they would rather see their parents together and fighting, than see them apart. Plus, life after divorce is never the same for anybody, you only introduce more complications into your life. Dating, step-parents, custody disputes, etc.... Isn't your marriage worth saving?
I hope the best for you and your family.
M.

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D.J.

answers from Hickory on

I love my husband but him a yankee and me a southerner we do clash, however, we don't yell. We sit down and discuss. If you think the children don't hear you yelling at each other think again. The two of you need couples counseling. Marriage is a precious gift. it requires work and nurturing. 14 years is a lot of time to throw away. My parents just celebrated 56 years married and it is not easy. My dad is 80 and has parkinsons. However, even though the passion has changed it is still there. When he puts his had on the back of my moms head and pulls her close to give her a kiss, is the most wonderful thing I have ever seen. My mom is my dads full time care giver, he no longer is able to bathe or dress himself, and now has to be fed. Times were rough for them as well, but they knew that the kids and the family were important enough to work it out. So see if you and your husband can find the reason you came together in the first place and love and hold onto one another and those precious children.

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K.P.

answers from Memphis on

I am married to my best friend... and we still fight and sometimes even yell at each other. That doesn't mean we don't love each other. Staying married is better for your children, and you need to work on improving your marriage. It will be better if you both can work on it, but there are steps you can take that will help even if he is not willing to change his actions at first. There is a pair of books -- one for each spouse -- by Dr. Gary Smalley that can really help (get both and leave his lying around for your husband; if he reads it, great; if not, that's fine) -- "If Only He Knew" for him, and "For Better or for Best" for you.

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C.R.

answers from Knoxville on

I am in a happy marriage now. My first husband was very controlling and abusive. IF you are in an abusive relationship seek help NOW. If it is marital problems you both need to try to make things work. Marriage is a 2 way street. You may need to seek counseling. I am not sure if you are religious or not. If you attend a church you could try talking to the minister. A friend of mine is a missionary for Family Life Ministries. They have marriage weekends. I am not sure of the schedule. The ministy has had a lot of success with couples, from couples that were on the verge of divorce to couples that had a good marriage. They all say that they are closer after participating in the weekend. If this sounds like something you might be interested in let me know and I will give you more information. Good Luck!

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M.S.

answers from Memphis on

Sometimes you have to figure out where you can agree to disagree to have peace. Perhaps a little give and take on both sides and even just aknowledging that you hear what the other person is saying but that you don't agree can make all the difference in the world. When one isn't feeling they are heard they feel like they are being invalidated. We all need validation that we and our thoughts matter to the one we spend our lives with. I've been married 21 years, best friend to sleeping with the enemy to finding peace again after a very difficult period and mid life crisis events for him. Life is not perfect but for the most part is peaceful. If you really get to know people, I think you will find that life is not perfect for most anyone and no one agrees with everyone all the time.

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K.S.

answers from Hickory on

There are plenty of unhappy people, but not a lot of them like to admit it, or talk about it. When you think about whether you should stay with your husband or not, ask yourself a question: Am I better off with him or without him? Research says that kids do better in an environment where there is not ongoing conflict, so: If you and your husband can end or at least lessen the conflict, good for the kids. If not, then that's not good. Think long and hard, and don't make any quick decisions. Also, I urge you to do everything possible to save your marriage, and remember that God can do miracles (especially see the movie Fireproof). God bless you.

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S.P.

answers from Nashville on

N., I know you have gotten so many responses but just felt compelled to answer as well. I have been married over 14 years and have these same feelings often. I have contemplated divorce but just don't see that as an option right now, and I don't know that I feel unhappy enough for divorce. I know I'm just not as happy as I think I should be. I've tried changing me - spending more time on his needs, paying more attention to him, etc in hopes that he would then do the same. To me, he just then expects more. When I get super frustrated I try to look at all his good points - which are many. He is a wonderful father, handsome, personable, fun, etc. I just don't feel a wonderful connection and don't think we like the same things. If I bring it up he thinks I'm ridiculous. Anyway, wish I had an answer, but just wanted you to know that I'm with you! Marriage is work and we've had lots of trials. I'm proud to look back at everything my husband and I have been through together, and I guess I am hoping that in a year or two I'll look back and be glad I stuck it out.

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S.D.

answers from Chattanooga on

Hi N. I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear your unhappy. I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years not. We have two beautiful daughters together but also have a rocky relationship. So I can so no I dont think everyone married their "best friend". If you are unhappy and dont think things will change, (which it doesnt seem like it has since it's been 14 years) maybe it is time for you two to go your seperate ways. Or do a trial separation and see how that goes. Your children deserve two happy parents whether it be separated or together. God bless!

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L.S.

answers from Charlotte on

I would say that divorce is NEVER better for children. They learn everything about love and relationships from their parents, and divorce only shows them instability, uncertainty, and that the answer to a problem is to walk away from it. Think about what your children will learn if you and your husband seek counseling to make your marriage work - if things are bad, work to make them better. We do not have to be perfect for our kids - we're human. Children don't need to learn that life is always perfectly happy, because it is not, but they will benefit a lot from learning from their parents to say "I'm sorry, and let's work on this." I agree with everyone above who said to seek counseling - we all need help to solve our problems!

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C.B.

answers from Louisville on

My fisrt marriage is exactly what you just described. He was not my best friend and there were times he was not even my friend. If you do not love this person then I feel it is better to move on. I had two children at the time of my divorce and a stepson who I did not want to leave. But I also new that it was better for my daughters to have the example of me doing it on my own the the example of a loveless marriage. Three months after the divorce I met my best friend and we have now been together 7 years. My daughters now know what a good marriage is like. The oldest even remembers the old days and comments on how better it is now. I did it for them, not me. My Aunt stayed in her marriage until the kids were grown and my cousins resent her for it. They knew she was not happy and think she should have done it sooner. You need to do what is in your heart. Every circumstance is different. Good luck

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C.F.

answers from Raleigh on

Geez, with 4 boys of course you guys have a lot going on.

Let me start by saying everyone's journey is unique. I've been married twice. 1st time for 19 years and we have a 12 year old little girl. It is a very workable divorce. I've been married 4 years to my 2nd husband and we have a 4 month old. I couldn't say that either of them were my best friend. I think the best friend concept could be in the eye of the beholder :)

I would say if you guys have the same goals and values then I would stay together and work through any parenting differences you have, or money issues, or controlling issues :) Point being -- there is always something that you can disagree on simply because you are both fully functioning individuals. You are not going to think alike. Parenting is a big emotional area so of course you will have differences. What is best for the marriage is to recognize they are differences and try to figure out how to meet each others needs.

Don't end your marriage simply because you don't feel your husband is not your best friend. In fact, it seems as I get older I realize you have dear friends, friends, acquaintances, etc (basically a wide variety of people in your network). Why put pressure on your marriage to expect that he will fill the need of best friend.

I will say that divorce is not always the easiest answer. Just a different answer. You will still be very tied to your husband since he is the father of your children. Only after you divorce both parties tend to quit trying to accommodate the other and can even be hostile. So your contact could be worse.

Any way, I think 14 years is a long time to be with someone. Don't throw it away lightly :)

Good luck.

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L.

answers from Charlotte on

Hi N. -

I am so sorry to hear that your marriage is such a struggle. I do believe, though, that it can be changed and become a happy, successful marriage, and that the effort to make it that way would be so more than worth it for you and your children. In my opinion, divorce (especially when there are kids involved) makes life so much more difficult and complicated (and painful) for a long long time.

We worked through two books last year with a group of friends and we all really thought they were great and helped our marriages. They are, "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich (actually, we watched the dvd series, which I'm guessing you could borrow from a library or a church if you ask around); and "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. The 5 Love Languages is a very easy read and the principles are simple and straight-forward and easy to implement if you are willing. I'm guessing the Love and Respect book is simple to read as well, although maybe not quite as entertaining as the dvd! Anyway, I know they would really help you, even if only you read them and your husband doesn't. It will give you lots of insights and practical suggestions that could dramatically improve your marriage.
I will pray for you and your family. God bless you.

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D.M.

answers from Hickory on

I don't think everyone is married to their best friend. I have been married for 11 years, and I love him, but he drives me crazy sometimes. We are far from best friends, but we respect each other and try to see each others perpective.

In my experience, making a marraige work is one of the two hardest things you will ever do (the other is raising kids). Most marriages are very gard work and experience significant bumps and potholes along the way. Many experience periods in which they wonder whether they should be married. Actually, research shows that the period in which there are small children in the home are the most trying and unhappy for couples, probably because of teh stress and there are more decisions to argue about. However, screaming at each other is not an effective way to resolve problems because neither of you is probably listening to the other one anyway. And its not good for the kids. You and your husband don't have to agree on everything, but you do need to treat each other's opinion withe respect. Sounds like you could both ude some conflict management skills, which you could learn rather quickly in some brief marital therapy. If you and your husband can agree that you both want to stop screaming at each other, thats a start. You may also find some self-help books which are helpful: www.marriagebuilders.com has some resources. Good luck.

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S.U.

answers from Raleigh on

Hi N., I married my best friend on my first marriage and it lasted 10 mos. Some would say 'well he wasn't your best friend', well he was. He just wasn't a good life partner and I couldn't imagine having children with him after realizing some things. It takes alot more than a best friend to make a good marriage. I then married a responsible,even-tempered man who wasn't my best friend. We are in high stress and fight quite a bit but love each other and have been in counseling for 6 mos. We weren't on the brink of divorce, but we needed desperately to change our dynamic. If you both love each other (this is the key, reason to want to change), the right thing to do is start working on it, and hard. It is not right to stay together for the kids, but it is right to work on a sound and loving (but imperfect) marriage for yourself AND the kids. I was really against therapy for a long time, I had seen counselors for other things in my life and thought I could talk to a friend and get the same results. I have seen results now from therapy and have changed my tune. I don't know what area you are in, but email me if you're in the Raleigh area. I have a good recommendation. Good luck...

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E.M.

answers from Louisville on

if you arnt happy get a divorce children may be upset at first but in the long run it will be best. and yes i am married to my best friend and i tried being in love with some one who wasnt my best friend and it just didnt work.

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J.L.

answers from Jacksonville on

Hi, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My husband and I clash all the time and I have the same thougts as you. All I do is keep going and pray it gets better. As far as the stay together or divorce that is hard. My daughter heard me mention divorce and went into meltdown. I could not do that to her again. I wish I could be of more help. I would suggest alot of prayer. Just remember you are not alone. There are others of us who understand. Have a blessed day.

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R.H.

answers from Clarksville on

N.,

We shouldn't think it "normal" to have an unhappy marriage. To deem it normal is to say it is ok and you know that it doesn't feel ok. There is nothing ok with "becoming one in marriage" yet living as two.

Marriage takes alot of work; sometimes more if you have a stubborn spouse. Haha. It also takes both husband and wife laying down their selfish wants and becoming one, truly one.

Just as their is no "I" in team there is also no "I" in marry, until you add age to it. Meaning over time we as married couples tend to get tunnel vision and only focus on what we can get out of the marriage; whatever will satisfy us.

After talking to a friend recently who is a divorce lawyer I realized that most marriages end in "He didn't do this, she didn't meet my needs, if he won't satisfy me then I won't satisfy him, etc."

It takes both husband/wife laying down their own worries of "will they meet my needs" and picking up the desire of "what can I do today to make them feel loved?"

If we focus on what the other spouse is doing/not doing to fulfill our needs we will be disappointed more often than not. But if we focus on meeting the other person's needs and trusting they will do the same then more often than not we will be satisfied.

I am sure you hate fighting with your husband. It is heartwrenching. And I will pray for your marriage to begin fulfilling both of you. I encourage you to sit with your husband and communicate with him, in a loving tone. If that doesn't help then bring in a mediator- a counselor, pastor, mentor. Divorce will not fix this problem. It will only give you a way to avoid it.

Hang in there. All marriages have their rocky moments. I have been married for over 16 years and although we are happily married there were a few times we really struggled. A few only because we learned to communicate. We desired to save our marriage and sought counsel on how to live happily married, not just married. God bless~

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W.C.

answers from Lexington on

CONGRATULATIONS!! It sounds like you've had a rough time but congratulations on being married for 14 years!!

Marriage is difficult and ALOT of work in the best of circumstances. I married my best friend but we've had our share of issues - but the best thing we EVER did was find a christian marriage counselor. We have an INCREDIBLE relationship now.

It sounds like yeah, you made a bad choice in the man that you married. But you are to be commended on working through issues during the years. That's incredible and given the current culture of divorce and instant gratification, amazing. Having been divorced, I would highly recommend that you do everything in your power to avoid it. It is impossible unless you experience it to imagine the ill effects of divorce on EVERYONE involved AND how it will affect generations of your family to come.

I HIGHLY recommend that you push your husband for marital counseling with a christian counselor. A marriage can come back from almost anything given the proper care. It sounds like yours is full of contempt on both sides, common for most marriages and VERY indicative of our culture. It is a marriage killer, tho. I also recommend reading (and applying) John Gottman's Seven Principles for a Making Marriage Work and also Jim Brown's Creating an Intimate Marriage. It would be best if you both would read and apply them but even if it's only you, it will help and may bring your husband around.

Also, it helps if you inventory your relationship with your children. They should come AFTER your marriage and your relationship with your husband. Take inventory of their schedules and activities. More than likely they are involved in too much. We have a standing rule - no more than one activity at a time. If our son wants to play baseball he has to stop karate. If he wants to play soccer, he can't take guitar lessons. One thing at a time. Other wise the family becomes child-centered and our lives consist of nothing more than logistical stress related to making sure he makes activities on time in the right order after the homework fight and where do we put dinner and when do I have time to cook and.....with four boys this would easily become overwhelming. And your children need YOU and time with YOU more than they need "well-rounding" and being "enriched". Nurturing and love are more important than skills. Character can't be developed if you are stressed out over making every skill-related activity. Character development takes alot of time.... And assurance of your love is more impoertant than being the best soccer player.

Read the books, speak with your husband, push for counseling, scale back activities, protect your time with your husband, your family, protect your marriage.

Good luck and we will be praying for you!

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M.W.

answers from Huntington on

I have been married 32 yrs. Mostly happily, but I wouldn't say I married my best friend. We differ on a lot of things, but we hardly ever argue because we respect each other and compromise lovingly and willingly. When we disagree, I just say, "yes, dear." That gets him to thinking about the situation, instead of getting defensive. About half the time after pondering it for a while, he will realize I am right, the other half of the time, he really is right.
We do lots of different things apart. He goes off with the boys scouts or soccer team, I go off with my midwife friends, or other mothers, or whatever. We occasionally do things togehter, things we both enjoy, but are content to let the other do whatever. Often even the things we both like to do, we don't always have the same time slots off to do them do together.
There are things he does that really get on my nerves, but then I'm sure there are things I do that gets on his nerves too, nobodys perfect. We love and respect each other, and give each oter space.
I know its really hard to back down from an arguement, esp. when you know you're right, but once you see the positive results you get from that tactic, it gets easier. A wise woman (Helen Wessel)once said, "you can't change him, only your attitude toward him."
M.

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L.B.

answers from Memphis on

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have been with my husband for 13years and married for 11, he is far from my best friend. I love him alot and I think he loves me somewhere down deep inside him but he is afraid to fully love. He had a horrible childhood and I try to be considerate of that, but I don't know how much longer it will last. I could go on for days about all the things that we have been through, but I won't just know that you aren't alone and someone else always has it worse that you. Follow your heart and it will work out.

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T.C.

answers from Lexington on

It sounds like you're not ready for divorce, and as someone who's parents divorced when I was a child, it's probably not the best thing for you or for your family.

Comparing your marriage to other marriages will only make you feel worse about your situation. There is no perfect marriage, even in cases where people do marry their best friend. Every good marriage takes a lot of hard work, but it's very rewarding. There have been times (when my husband is really getting on my nerves) when I've wondered if I married the "wrong one". But at some point I remember why I married him and I choose to keep loving him.

Have you thought of finding a good marriage counselor? I think counseling can be really helpful, if for no other reason than it provides a third party to listen and give suggestions. There are also really good parenting courses. My husband and I took one together at our church and it helped get us on the same page about some issues.

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P.N.

answers from Rocky Mount on

My husband is one of my best friends but that doesn't mean things are perfect. We fight and at times I wonder what I have gotten myself into but I always love him. Everyone fights, especially when you spend a lot of time together. If you aren't happy maybe you should take a good look at your marraige... but if you just think that others have it better than you, you need to refocus. I hope you make the right decision for your family.

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S.V.

answers from Raleigh on

Hi N.,

Before making any mayor decision please seek professional advise, All couples have their issues and no one is perfect. A family/couples therapist can help you work with differences and understand better your particular situation. This process will help you make an appropriate and well thought decision.

Good luck

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A.B.

answers from Savannah on

I feel like I'm married to my best friend. But its not how it sounds! I feel like thats all he is. He is also like having a 2nd child. We have been together for 8 yrs, married 3 1/2 yrs. I read the same stuff and it makes me so sad. I am not in love w/ my husband and never have been. I thought haveing a child and getting married would make it happen but it has made things so much harder. No offence but I am releived to hear I'm not the only unhappily married person out there. I am moving home to be w/ my family b/c i'm so unhappy w/ everything. He thinks I am going to damage our child by leaving him. But my unhappyness could be just as damageing. My parents divorced after the damage was done all the fighting and negativity was awful. I do have love for my husband but I would rather just be friends. We are tring to work on things and talk about stuff but untill I see real change in him or in my feelings toward him. I cant keep pretenting, I'm losing myself. Just know ur not alone!

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M.T.

answers from Nashville on

No I was married to the devil for 17 yrs stayed because of children which I wouldn't recommend anyone doing after I have gone through it.....we argued alot because we were different and had different views and ideas and his was supposed to be the right one... I didn't like being controled and made to feel a certain way... on top of him being so super abusive.........but now I am married to a wonderful man. No he wasn't my best friend at the time but he is now. What is a best friend? My definition: one that you can rely on no matter what that accepts you unconditionally and will be there for you through thick and thin, one that you can trust to talk to and one that you absolutely want to be around and share everything that you do with. Now I have a best girlfriend and I love talking to her and going places with her and doing things together, however, my husband now takes the cake. There is a different feeling. I can trust that my best girlfriend will be there if ever I need her but I know that my husband would take a bullet for me as I would him. Not so sure my girlfriend would do that.
Yes I am married to the very best friend that I have ever had in the whole wide world, but I am sure that there are some that are not.
So to answer your question... No you are probably not the only one that is not married to your best friend. Only you can decide if your marriage is right or not. My motto is that life is too short to NOT be happy.

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P.G.

answers from Raleigh on

Hi N.
I can only imagine the stress that you and your husband feel, especially with 4 boys! Wow! Have you tried conseling? That is one option. Also if it has been a while since you've been on a date or spent some time together just the two of you, you may need to try and reconnect. Maybe try a trip? It sounds like you want to stay together but are maybe having some trouble communicating. Counseling might help that - although you would be have to be willing to give it a go. I wish you luck through this. If you need anything please email me.
P.

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M.

answers from Memphis on

I know exactly where you are coming from ...I have been married 7.5 years...I am not sure what me and hubby had in common to be honest...he only has 2 things he enjoys as hobbies...and I am a take charge person..and he isn't but gets angry when "I tell him what to do"..lol..I honestly dont what to tell you..what are the ages of your kids by the way.?? and yes I do have to say I have imained my life if I hadn't have married him and have thought about it more than once to live him...it is just one of those things ...we are on different wave lengths so much...my email is [email protected]____.com sorry I rambled..lol

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W.M.

answers from Nashville on

I am sorry that you are feeling this way b/c I am married to my best friend. Marriage is absolutely amazing when you have married "the one". We waited until we were in our 30's to get married and for us, that has made a difference. I think sometimes people marry too young or marry for reasons other than being truly in love. There is a difference in loving someone and being "in love" with them. Not to get too mushy but I truly believe that. I have loved boyfriends that I thought I would marry but when I met my husband, there is just no comparison. You have no regrets, no second thoughts, no thoughts of anyone else. I say this b/c you may have married the wrong man. You deserve to be happy and enjoy the best friend that others enjoy. So many ppl stay married for the wrong reasons, not that your kids are the "wrong reasons" but kids are not a reason to stay married. They will turn out just like their father treating their wives as he treats you. They learn what they see. I once heard a great line that I will never forget:

"Children would rather be FROM a broken home than live IN one." It will be easier on them to deal with the stress of the breakup and to eventually be in a calmer situation than they would be in the turmoil daily for their entire childhood. I am sure others will give you a different viewpoint, you take what best fits your situation and go from there. You can try giving it one more shot, telling him that he goes to counseling with you, or he leaves. He can choose. Give it your best try so that you can never look back and say that you didn't. Give it your best for your boys but if it doesn't work, get out of it as amicably as you can and keep your boys life as normal as possible in that situation. Let them know that mommy and daddy have grown apart and don't agree on things anymore. Let them know that mommy and daddy will be a lot nicer and happier and more fun to be around if they are not dealing with the stress of their arguing....ask a child counselor how to help them. Maybe even get them in some counseling if they start to act out.

For those that say that kids would rather have their parents together, fighting or not, my parents divorced and if you had asked me that question I would have told you the same thing in the first year or two. After the first year or two I realized that my dad was a completely different person after he left my mom and my mom was a different person. My dad was more laid back and my mom was more cheerful. Even though she loved him, they didn't realize they just were not compatible. I get along so much better with my father now, he is happy and is who he is supposed to be. Being unhappy causes stress and causes ppl to be snappy and bitter with each other and with their children. I have to say that if either of you are unhappy, the kids will know it and they will suffer along with you.

Good luck to you, be strong.

W.

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M.D.

answers from Louisville on

It's hard to make anyone do anything but try to persuade him to read "the Five Love Languages" and equally important couples therapy or a couples retreat of some kind. I wish you the best of luck, I have had hard times too and wondered if I was with the right one.

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C.D.

answers from Clarksville on

No, I don't believe that everyone is married to their best friend. I don't think that I am, for one. I have posted to this site more than once about the problems I have/had with my husband of 2.5 years, but we've been in counseling for about 4 months now, and things seem to be getting better. At one time (before we were actually married), I considered him my best friend, but I think getting married and having kids really changes things. I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, either. I believe that everyone fights sometimes and if they don't, that there's something wrong with that. Not everybody can get along ALL THE TIME. If that's what you think it means to be best friends with your husband, I think that you have unreasonable expectations. You're probably reading this thinking that since you've been married 14 years and I've only been married 2.5 years that I couldn't possibly know how you feel. But I think I do because we've been through some serious issues in our short time together. I encourage you to seek counseling because we used to be like you and your husband - fighting all the time - and now we still fight, but not as much and with different rules. I'd like to think that it is benefitting our child as much as it's benefitting our marriage.

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M.P.

answers from Charlotte on

you are not alone all the time but talk it out and maybe cancleing ortalk to your pastor do you every go out just the two of you date night

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