Good Day to the Mamas, here is my dilemma
I have been divorced for over a year now. Recently my ex saw me with the man I am dating and all hell broke lose. I had to call the police to escort me home as he was calling incessantly and texting. The last text he threatened me but not with physical violence, so I couldn't press charges. I have an open case with the poice but thats it, I was afraid and am still afraid because he has a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality. He yelled at our son and threatened him to not have anything to do with the man I am dating because if not he would never come for him. And that he would not be around for long after he got done with him (referring to my guy). My son cried unconsolably. This has broken my heart. My ex is now using my son as a pawn to get back at me and hurt me. I am scared because he doesn't look out after my son the way I do. My son told me that this weekend he, my ex, left him alone in the apt. while he slept to do the laundry. Prior to this he has left him alone in the car while he goes into the gas stations mart. I would never never do that. I don't know what I can do legally to cut down the time my son spends with his dad. I feel helpless, don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Has anyone been in my situation? what did you do? My ex is not stable, he is vindictive and has no conscience so it doesn't bother him to use my son. He lies constantly and throws tantrums; he throws stuff and kicks stuff. He has a criminal record as well. I have made it clear I don't want to come back with him. He hurt me emotionally, verbally. He cheated throughout our whole marriage. I gave him another chance and again he did it and that is why I divorced him. All I do is cry and cry. Any help would be greatly appreciated. By the way, my son is 7 yrs old.
I am assuming to do laundry you mean the laundry machines in the building. They are not going to do anything for that or the car. Chances are pretty good they won't do anything about the threats either.
My ex is a bit like him, very controlling. I can tell you once they accept it won't work, that you will date regardless they do back off a bit.
I am sorry I can't give you and easy fix, there just isn't any.
First you need to check the laws in your area. In MIssouri, it is not illegal to leave a child in the car while you run in to get a gallon of milk. The law steps in when there is injury to the child or caused by the child (say they put the car into gear and ram into someone).
And being left at home is up to the parent's discretion.
Other states are very strict about the ages a child can be left alone and for how long. SO, you need to check and figure out what your local laws are.
As far as his behavior is concerned, I would keep documentation of EVERYTHING. Also, figure out what the laws are in your area when it comes to recording conversation. In Missouri, only one person (you) is required to know that the conversation is being monitored. Get a digital recorder and record every conversation you have on the phone or in person. Download them and save them on your computer. When you feel that you have enough documentation and recordings, go to your attorney and file for a modification of support and custody. Require that his visitations are monitored, if he is to have any at all.
Best of luck!
You need to stay strong for yourself and for you son. You need to live your life for yourself and for your son. You go on with your life like your ex doesn't even exists except for when you need to be in contact with him for your son.
Right now he is still trying to have control of you. You need to show him how strong you are and that he doesn't have control of you anymore. Yes its going to drive him nuts for awhile. But he will get over it. But be prepared for this to keep happening until he gets over it. Document everything, don't close your case with the police. If it gets worse with the threatening or he does harm you physically you will have everything you need to get a restraining order against him then you will be able to go and show the courts he isn't stable and they will go from there with the visitation.
But even though he isn't the best parent he is still his dad and you don't want to loose that connection between them. When/ If you go to court I wouldn't so much ask for less contact, I would ask for parenting classes and anger management classes to better himself for your son.
I went through something similar when I divorced my ex husband. I can tell you had it not been for counseling, I would never have survived it. My best suggestions are to get into counseling asap AND to see a really good family attorney. The attorney will know what your options are in regards to limited and/or restricted, supervised visitation. The counselor will give you the tools you need deal with your ex's erratic behavior and learn how to put up the needed boundaries for you as well as your son. And, as everyone on here has said, document EVERYTHING! In the state of Texas, it is legal to record any conversation without informing the other party. So if you can, record all phone conversations at the very least.
I will say, while my ex still drives me crazy and is still a complete control freak, even after 12 years, things are much better now. It took about 3 years for things to start settling down, but eventually they did. That's not to say he still doesn't have his moments, but for the most part, everything is much better. Private message me if you would like to chat.
Call the police each and every time he does something illegal like leave a child alone at home. Get your sone to a therapist - it might help him, but it also is key to documenting how your ex is affectiing him. You may need to make some changes to visitation, etc. and you need proof of his behavior. Keep a journal of every interaction you have with him, good and bad.
Rebecca is right, no matter what he is still your sons dad. Does your ex love his son and is just making very poor, immature decisions? Then maybe he needs a wake up call and his visitations changed to supervised. Then if he really wants to be a concerned, loving and emotionally available dad, he will change. If not, its better for your boy not to be around that. As for his behavior with you and your new BF... thats escalating behavior. It can and might get worse, I think he needs some suggestions, STRONG suggestions that he get some type of anger management. Start taking greater precautions on your behalf and safety. Not only for yourself but your BF. A restraining order, and reports are just paper, they dont stop bullets and bad intentions.
You should get child protective services involved. They will investigate how your son is being cared for in both of your homes. Yes this will make the ex very angry but he doesn't get to do what he wants that will damage your child.
Get your child some therapy and yourself as well. Having knowledge will put you in a position of power in your life. So dry your eyes and call Child Protective Services of your state and get them involved. You owe it to your child to protect his emotions and protect him physically too and this is a way you can do it.
Have you ever considered talking to someone at a women's shelter?
This is possibly a very dangerous situation for you, your BF and your son.
You need to make sure of the legality and safety of everything that you do.
If you feel he is neglectful or abusive to your child--report it.
Good luck!
You can go to your local courthouse and apply for a restraining order restraining him from contacting both you and your son either personally or through texts, e-mails, telephone or third parties. You should save all of his texts and then also apply for a modification of your custody and visitation orders to limit the time he spends with your son. Also, you could ask that all of his visitation be supervised. I am so sorry you and your son are going through this. I hate it when adults use children and for your ex to threaten your son with taking his love away, that is intolerable!
Lake Arlington Baptist Church has a sliding scale counseling service called IMPACT. Their number is ###-###-####. Please contact them and get some counseling for you and your son.
Documnet, document, document. Print all the texts and emails, to the next time you go to court request supervised visits. This might wake him up. You also just need to expect eratic behavior from him. You are asking an irrational person to act rationally. Teach your son how to behave when he is alone. Have him memorize your phone number, so next time daddy leaves him alone he can call you and then go over there and get him.
Hang in there....
Make a log of all of the instances that have happened with dates, times, places, witnesses. Try to only communicate via email or texts so you have a record, and record the phone call if at all possible. I don't know what it takes to get a restraining order but I would certainly look into that. If you fear your sons' safety with your ex you may want to look into getting a lawyer involved to get supervised visitation. My ex is bipolar and when we divorced he had only supervised visitation until he got on his meds and stayed on them. It is a lot easier if your ex has a record of breaking the law, etc. Try to help your son with what is going on and find a counselor if necessary. Hang in there!
I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. Sadly there is no fits all solution.
My ex would exercise his visitation by dropping off our kids at a public park with $20 for the day. At the time my daughter was 4, and my sons 6 and 10.
I called CPS asking if they would talk to him about how dangerous it was. CPS said they could not do anything until one of them was hurt.
Again I am truly sorry about your situation.
Dear S., I have an ex just like that. Follow Michelle H's advice and keep a log of all the incidents. Your son's safety is at risk, not only physically but emotionally. Emotional damage can very devastating and have long lasting effects. You do not want to wait on this. You need to hire a good lawyer to advice you and map out the best Plan to ensure your son's well being. My husband has experience at this both personally and as a lawyer. If I were you I would him hire him, not because he is my husband but because he is that good. He was key in protecting my children from my ex. Check out his website at www.HaugenFamilyLaw.com or call and schedule an appointment at ###-###-####. He is a very good family law lawyer and feels very strongly about preventing bullies like your ex from hurting innocent children. Best wishes and God bless!
I agree with most that you should document everything threat, every time he neglects, and every time he says things negative about you to your son. Even the comments about threatening your son he won't see him anymore if he spends time w/your BF. I also agree to call the police every time it is warranted, but don't overdue it or it can make you less believable. Next I would call a really good Family Law Attorney and get a free consultation. Just like Cheryl said, if he is really threatening, you can get a restraining order, modify visitation, get supervised visitation. He can be ordered by the judge not to say anything negative about you in front of your son, or threaten your son. Lastly, I truely believe you do need to seek some couseling. If your crying so much you may be battling some depression. You need to be proactive for your own well-being so that you'll be able to be strong and in control throughout this ordeal. I don't know if you belong to a church, but my church offers classes for divorced moms, and other bible studies and support groups. Its alot to handle all by yourself, so lean on the Lord and he will carry you. You will be in my prayers!
I think a 7 yr. old id old enough to sit in the car for a few minutes while someone runs into a convenience store. I have let mine do that. The full glass front allows me to see the car at all times plus the doors are locked and the kids know to NOT open the door to anyone, not even people we know and are close friends with. They know even those people could be a person who hurts children.
The other stuff. Going back to court to get limited visitation is tricky. Unless he does something to get a restraining order it is going to be his word against yours and the judge has heard it all and considers it to be whining and annoying. Even if there is much merit to the case. Please call the police each and every time HE is going off.
