Problems with Ex and Wife

I found this to be highly effective. When dealing with someone who is unreasonable, simply say, "Oh, my gosh! Look at the time! I have to go!" Do this whether you're on the phone or in person. Stick to it. Get off the phone or leave. Leaves them speechless.

If you have custody of the kids, DO NOT give them any money back. If it continues ask the ex if he wants to terminate parental rights and that is the only way he'll get out of payments.

Why would you pay child support back? Child support is for the kids. I'm assuming the judge ordered it when you and he got a divorce. Getting re-married doesn't end the child support or require payback - they're still his kids. If they are harrassing you, they need to be reported. It sounds like you want to keep things civil, but it's beyond that now. You need to keep records of what is being said/texted and get a restraining order - this kind of behavior is not and cannot be good for the kids.

You have gotten some good advise. 1 get a lawyer to go to court, some people learn the hard way. 2. do document EVERYTHING to do with former & his bride. 3. bless them WHAT!! yes, when you pray and bless you ask God to make them what they are not, but what God wants them to be. Example: use Phil. 4:8 May "___" speak truth, be loving... in that way when you are anxious/upset you are placing their behavior in God's most capable hands. If you don't pray for them like this, who will?
May your spirit be strengthened through this....
May God be glorified through this.

first let me applaud you for trying to work with him. Giving him child support back while he is in a tight spot is very admerible. however you dont have to do that, and they should know that, you were HELPING them. i say help should cease. afterall why should you care that your ex and the **** he cheated on you with are having a hard time. i say no more help and dont let them bother you i know it can be nerve racking but dont give them that power. we had/have some problems with my husbands ex and i tell myself this everytime she acts up.... the best revenge is living better than someone (not just finacially but spiritually and emotionally) so you live better than them!

You nailed it on the head when you said, "teach them how to treat me". That is one thing I have learned in my 42 yrs of life.... I teach people how to treat me, because you cannot do anything more to me than I allow you to. Its like that saying, " *** me once, shame on you, *** me twice, shame on me". Your ex made a choice, & it sounds to me like "KARMA". I am a firm believer in what you put on someone else, comes back 2 folds on yourself, good or bad. One of the best prayers I know to deal with other peoples "stuff" is the serenity prayer....

GOD, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, (you can not control how someone else acts, or even what they say) COURAGE to change the things I can, (you can only change you, change brings about change)and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Sounds like your ex & wife are having to deal with a lot of things they put on themselves. I would continue to be you & do what you know is the right thing to do. I WOULD NOT give into their demands, especially the child support, that is intended to help HIS children. Sounds like GOD has blessed you with a great new husband & life, I would let your ex & wife be right where they are at. We all have life lessons we have to learn, some of us are just hard headed & it takes us a little bit longer. One last thing, I know this may sound crazy, but I PROMISE you it works, if it doesnt I'll give you your money back.....lol
Pray for your ex & his wife for 2 weeks, just ask GOD to help them be the best that GOD intended for them to be, thats it, real simple.......once you start praying for them, watch & see how your attitude will change, & they wont be an issue for you anymore. Everything I have just said, I have went through, & I know it works........GOD Bless, T.

WHY did you give them child support money back????

I have had problems with an ex and his wife, too. Different problems though. I ended up emailing them to let them know what I felt. What I thought was fair. And what I expected them to do concerning my child. It took me a week to write the email, but I'm glad I did as it helped our situation. Also. we follow what is spelled out in the divorce degree, so there is no question on what each party is suppose to do concerning the child. It helped my situation greatly.

Going to events is hard. You have to just ask God for help with that one and try not to sit near the other party. And don't communicate with them if at all possible. If you do have to talk to them be polite. If they get hateful or nasty, just walk away or if on the phone just hang up. You do not have to talk to them or be mistreated by them. If they dislike you it's their problem and not yours. Hope this helps.

Do things through your lawyer. Why did you give back child support money? Do you have documentation of the money you gave back? It makes no sense unless the custody agreement changed to joint custody and you were still receiving money at that time. Otherwise even if you make more money he should be paying child support for HIS children. Even after you remarried, your ex should be you paying child support.
I am really sorry that you have to deal with these people. I would refuse all contact with them except for when you have to discuss the children. I can’t imagine what they could expect of you aside for the allowed visitation.
Try to communicate through e-mail and document it. Do not address anything they say except what regards the care of your children.
Good luck.

he still has you wrapped enough around his finger to let him manipulate your emotions for days...

If I was your friend I and I asked you what to do, would you tell me to get to a lawyer and have him stop harassasing me? As this seems to be regarding the children, I think it is time to let the law take over, and then go to counseling, because, you may have the perfect man now, but he was the perfect man at one point, and he obviously verbally/mentally abused you, and you are having a hard time getting past it. I speak from experience, and I wish you the best.

Ignore the immature adults. If they want something and more child support, go through an attorney. The cost can get up there but they need to know you are not to be messed with. Hang in there.

If the kids are living with you, I can't see why you had to give them any money or anything else. But anyway, as far as treatment, I would just let them know on e-mail , text message , letter, or face to face, that you are all adults, and should treat each other civil , and espically for the children's sake, as giving them a normal life, is much more important that trying to (get back at each other or being ugly). At functions be civil, say hi, and small talk, but if you are having a ball with your ex, I imagine his new wife is extremely jealous so you may have to cool it to keep peace.

Ok, first of all, why do you have to re-pay the child support?! It's for the kids well-being! I know I don't have all the details, but unless it is ordered by a court, I don't think you need to, or have to re-pay child support. My ex wanted his child support lowered, but I told him no way to that. It should have been raised! Do your children see their dad on a regular basis? Does he initiate visits with them? Is he a good dad? If he continues to cause problems, I would suggest having your attorney get involved. This may make it more difficult for a little while but may be better in the long run. It sounds like he is harrassing you (which is against the law). Keep written records of every visit, every verbal exchange, every phone call, whatever happens - that way, atleast you have some backup if you need it. If he is texting you, check with you wireless carrier about getting records. You can request through your carrier to get your phone number changed (at no charge, due to harrassment) to make him stop doing that atleast. He can call your house and leave a message on your recorder when he needs to speak to you. There again, you will have record of how he speaks to you. I would not allow him to bully me in this way at all. They are your children too, and I'm sure the money went where it needed to go for them. Good Luck!
B.

I am very confused. What is the original custody agreement that was put in place when you divorced? What is your ex-husband's relationship with his children? Who has custody? Why did you give child support money back? Does you ex think that because you have remarried he does not have to support his children? You left a lot out of your story so it is hard to respond. Even if you married a millionaire and didn't need the money you could have put it in a savings account in the kids' names for down the road--college, tutoring, extra curricular activities, summer camps, or just as a nest egg for them later in life. You could by bonds with the money that you could then give them when they graduate from college. Unless your ex is ready to legally give up his parental rights and your new husband wants to legally adopt the children and make them his, you must continue to receive child support and DO NOT give any money back!

Document every communication you have with yuor ex and his wife. Print out all current and past emails and save all test messages and see if there is a way to print those out. And then STOP! No communication with the people. Your ex must abide by the custody agreement and if they want to make a change then they must consult a lawyer and take YOU to court, not the other way around. His wages should be garnished for the child support rather than him sending you a check. You didn't mention visitation but if comes ot get the kids or you drop them off never be with him alone. Always be there with your kids because he is unlikely to say nasty things to you in front of them. Make necessary communication as short and succint as possible.

I know you are trying to do the right thing by killing them with kindness. You have to stick up for yourself and for the well being of your children.

Have you heard the statement "Kill them with kindness"? I know how hard this must be for you as I'm going through a divorce now and my soon to be ex has become very, very angry (even though he is the one who moved out, had an affair, etc.) I got sucked into nasty e-mails, phone calls, etc. until finally I just quit responding to him because it was making me angry and crazy.. and I didn't want to go there. So - whatever you owe them - graciously give it to them. (Are you sure you "owe" them? Is it in writing as part of the divorce settlement?) Don't respond to the e-mails for at least 24 hours - and this is the hardest part - remove the emotion of your responses. Let your response be short and to the point, facts only. No emotion. I learned this the hard way, but I've got to tell you it worked. And - the peace of mind I have now is priceless. And - it's helped me become a better parent! Good luck!

Hi Dd, You sound like a lovely person, and wise not to be dragged down to their level. Be thankful instead that those two miserable people found each other .
I think if it were me, I'd ask them together, "what's your problem? You were the ones sneaking around together, NOW you have each other.You should be happy, yet you act jealous that I have found a wonderful husband, that is doing well , treats the children and me as know one else ever has. So Grow up , and enjoy each other."
Their attitude towards you can't be good or healthy for the children to see or hear about,Do the kids hear remarks against you over there? Is it possible the ex's wife does not enjoy your childrens visit. Maybe she just wanted the dad, and not the whole package.
Just my take on the matter, hope you find a good solution, You do DESERVE better than that childishness.

I dont mean to be questioning you... but why would you ever give child support back?? even if you dont need the money it is your childrens and I feel that were obligated to save it for them... think College or visiting aboad before college...
let the courts decide, you dont have to even speak to them about money the only thing you have to discuss is your children together...for visitaion only
let the courts handle the rest
its really tooo much stress (hang tough, I've been there)

I am confused... "they" want you to give back child support money????

When my husband's ex began to make demands of us and she became nasty we just stopped dealing with her. Any changes that they want should go thru the courts. If they cannot deal with you in a nice manner make them go thru a lawyer.

WHY do they text mesg you? Did you give them permission? Do you realize that they CAN be considered harrassment?

I have been seeing a counselor because my "ex-wife-in-law" was making me feel the same way you described. My counselor made me realize that one I stopped allowing the "ex" to have controll over me, things would be better. Take control! Only deal with the ex when it deals directly with the children: arranging drop-offs and pick-ups for visitation, ect. If phone visitation is specified make sure there is a specific time and stick with it. For all other communications you can require it to be in writing for the sake of keeping the peace.

D.
SAHM of three (18,17,& 4) married for almost 12 yrs.

Okay, let's see. You gave money back that you should have kept but stopped that's good (put it in the bank for the kids). Anything else they are asking for outside of the divorce decree STOP. Keep track of all communications. If you can record phone calls do so immediately. Any emails or text messages do the same and contact a lawyer keep a second copy for yourself. Make sure the ex pays for the expense of the lawyer for this and any other changes. Go to the childrens'functions with your head held high with your new hubby and enjoy take pictures whatever. Don't sit near the ex and wife. Switches for visitation should be done through a neutral person and place so avoid contact. Become emotionless when speaking to him if you have to (I know that will drive him nuts). If they can't act like adults and continue with the harassment, call the cops and file police reports for a paper trail and get the restraining order. It's time for you to grow up and demand to be respected as an individual as you say you have moved on. Pray for both you and the ex and you be the better person. All you have to do is be polite to him that's it. Be a survivor and not a victim. The other S..

I had the same problem and I needed a "coach" to teach me how to respond and act around the Ex. He and his "wife" nearly destroyed our family. I wasted so much time and went through so much anxiety for nothing. You are allowing them to manipulate your feelings - just make up your mind to change, prepare ahead of time and choose to be in control. Anytime they say or do anything to try and upset you, take a deep breath, and SMILE. Then reply, "What you are asking is impossible right now. What wonderful things do you have planned for the kids this weekend? It must be fun always getting to plan all the fun things to do together. Smile again, then walk away. Use a similar thought to reply to their text messages and phone calls. Write yourself scripts and no matter what they say, stay on script. As soon as they realize they can't get under your skin, they will stop. They will actually become afraid of you as you have all the power over the situation. It will drive them crazy trying to figure out how the tables got turned. You'll eventually be able to control all situations. If you don't get into the control position, it will have a negative effect on you, your children and your marriage. You have the power - just accept it and "grow" forward! - PJ
55-yr. old mother of one son, happily re-married 28 years!

I'm a lil confused. Is it your ex-husband and his new wife? Does he have custody of your kids? Why are you paying back child-support? You skipped all over that. I guess anxious to say what you had to say, and all of it didn't comeout. All I can say at this point, because I don't know the extent of your problems other than that their being very nasty to you and saying nasty things. Document all of that. Keep record of it. You never know one day you may have to use that against them in court. Kill them with kindness. And pray about it. I wouldn't talk to them either if they were disrespecting me and talking to me crazy. When you don't respond to such behavior as that, then yes they do have a tendency to call you more and become very aggrevated. Serves them right.

Get a lawyer and have the court decide what to do. I have a friend that just went through a nasty custody trial and she was never even married to the father but, recently married a wonderful man in another state. It all worked out for her but, it took nearly a year to get it solved because, the father is a controlling, mean spirit baby that wants everything his way. So, as I have told my friend many times, quit letting them control you and demand things and quit giving in. Get a lawyer!

I'm assuming as the mother that you have custody of your children. If that is the case THEY should be paying YOU. not the other way around. Personally, i would tell them where to stick it, in as nice of a way as possible, if it's possible. I cannot stand it when people are as rude as you're describing. My ex husband got rude with me about not seeing his daughter(i drove 5 hours to see my family and he lives in the same town as them). He started being ugly cause he heard from people around town that i was there and i didn't tell him so he could see her. I let him know right then that it ain't none of his business if i see my family or not and i don't need his permission before coming in town. I'm being nice if i tell him so he should be grateful if i call him ahead of time. The point i'm trying to make is, i would not put up with rudeness, period. Cut the cord, he's a big boy.

Why would you give child support money back? A father must provide support for his children even when you remarry! That is money for the children's needs and education. You need to see a lawyer to explain your rights and his rights. A.

Hello this will be short and sweet and to the point...the child support is for your children, they have no right to it unles he has your children now. If they continue to be nasty as you say tell them that you divorced him years ago and ties were cut all you have with him now is the children nothing mre if they think you owe them something correct them right away. My ex ask me to forgive the 45,000 he owes my kids, cause he cant afford it well, my father help me raise my children due to the fact my ex left out of the picture for 9 yrs, so that money belongs to my children so NO i am not going to forgive. EX spouces think that when they sign on the line fo rthe support that it finish they dont owe nothing else wrong they owe your children...sorry to be so up front but i am tired of the state of texas and teh ex's getting away with not supporting their familys just because they are divorced.

my friend was having problems with her husbands families calling all her families cell phones. she told them to stop and went and filed harassment charges. she went down to the police station and spoke with an officer. the next time the person called she called the police and HE talked to the offender and the calling stopped.
as for the rest, why would you give child support back? and what else are they asking for that is reasonable? i would basically tell them that when they can act and talk nice, and respectful their requests will be considered and only then will you and your husband review then. that if their behavior continues, not only will you report what is reportable for harassment, it will automatically mean a no to their demands. and then keep a journal and start documenting everything and use the court to mediate. my friend was told by a police officer to switch off the kids in a public place, inside the building, as the offenders were trying to provoke her husband into a fight, and inside the building there would be witnesses. they also had a police officer meet them for the exchange for a while. that might work as a show of force that you guys cannot or won't tolerate harassment and intimidation.
pretty much when you(ya'll) sent them a message that somehow ya'll are "wrong" and that they deserve something and think that their behavior has somehow influenced the decision to get their way, by ya'll giving the money back. somehow ya'll giving the money back has reinforced their behavior, or they are really pissed that you guys cut off the money and are "punishing" ya'll.
i would refuse to even talk or converse with them at all.
they will continue to treat you however you tolerate. you may be a very nice person....but don't let them walk over you, and defend yourself when attacked. you don't necessarily need to attack them to do those things for yourself. you have seen the "truth" in their behavior. don't continue to be "nice" and tolerate being abused and harassed. get the authorities involved in this adult form of bullying. the more you report, the more likely the behaviour will stop. or if something happens, then they will be the first investigated, like keying your car.
you will need to be tough, and remember these people will take advantage of your good graces and manners to promote their own poisonour agenda. i think that your husband will need to deal with them and be proactive in "protecting" you and the children and do everything he can to intervene so that you don't have to. unfortunately, the recitals and stuff are unavoidable, you may be able to leave a little bit early to avoid a scene or walk out with a group of friends or other people so there are witnesses to the behavior.
i hope that helps. good luck and be safe.
L.

Life is too short sweety- do as much as possible to disallow access to you. Block texts from them, avoid them at the functions you'll both likely attend. He's already shown he's not a friend at the same time he showed you what a loyal husband he is- who needs people like that in their lives. Try to cut everything short as far as exposure times that are absolutely necessary. Walk girl. Turn your back- even as they are speaking so rudely- or are winding up for it- and skip away. Grab your good man and have a good loud laugh as you make your exit, and try to make sure they are aware that their ugliness hasn't mucked up anyone's life but their own.

Dear D.,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have to say it's unbelievable how some adults can act. What a shame. The only advice I can give you is prayer. Obviously you trying to be the adult here is not working and I can understand you not looking forward to special events knowing they will be there, but only the good Lord can help you through this. Prayer has helped me so much in the past and I know with a little faith it will help you too. Good luck and God Bless you D.!!

Can you make a copy of the nasty text messages? That is called "threatening," I believe. Make a copy and send to them and tell them to stop immediately. People cannot do that in this day and age.

Also, you cannot "teach them how to treat you." You cannot teach them anything. You can only control your own behavior, and if it is nothing but kind, then you can walk proudly and your children will see that, too! What better legacy to leave and also it is best for your children's mental health.

I know this is hard as I have been through it, but just remember your children are watching and if they see patience and kindness in all things, they can come and expect that from you and model it. Good luck and God bless.

If you were still married to this man and he came to you and said he wanted a divorce to be with someone he loved more than you, would you have gladly shelled out $3,000 and said "Sure! Let me pay for all of the legal fees to make YOU happy!" I don't think so.

I've been remarried a year and my husband's ex-wife was overpaid $7,000+ in child support money and is still being a witch. It took us a year to get the youngest daughter who is now 20, married and pregnant off my husband's garnished paychecks and we just saw that money coming back to us this March. Ex-wife did every trick in the book so she would keep getting that $300 a month and that sure didn't stop the daughter from expecting us to help her financially and we told her to go to her mom who was still getting child support on her even though she was GROWN and chose to be a high school dropout with a loser husband.

Your kids are small now and maybe you don't see the big picture. So the ex and his new wife are having a hard time financially. That was their choice to end your marriage to him and take vows with each other. Too bad they get the "poorer" end of richer or poorer but you are not legally bound to give them anything outside what is stated in your divorce decree.

If your ex were to lose his job, that $3,000 would've helped your current family make bills, etc. and now it's GONE. Keeping the peace doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. You can be polite without hurting your wallet. Think of the example you set for your children. Would you rather them see you get bullied by their dad or applaud you for standing up to him? If your daughter were in the same situation would you tell her to "pay up" too and allow some man she thought she'd spend the rest of her life with to manipulate her, cause her unneeded stress, etc. if her husband left her for another woman? Doubt it. Reinforcing the guilt trips, anger, bowing down, etc. is only sending a message to your children that "It's OK" to be treated like this and play the "victim" not the "victor."

I have 6 stepkids from 2 different ex-wives to deal with and trust me when I say you may not think the children remember much from their childhoods and what divorce did to them but they do. Mine range from age 31 to age 17 and there's a lot of bitterness because of the broken family unit to the point when holidays come it's all about choosing sides and usually we don't see them as the mother is the preferred parent. Time passing doesn't mean that everyone is going to get along and be mature either. If you think it's bad now, wait til your kids play you and the ex-husband against one another to get what they want. It's not pretty.

Take up any grievances the ex has on finances with a lawyer and document all emails, phone calls, text messages, etc. I hope things look up for you soon.

I have to agree with a lot of what's been said. Since you didn't list a reason as to why you gave some cs money back, I can say you should never have to unless the court requested it. Document EVERYTHING. My ex's wife was my major problem. She was so jealous and hostile that she did what she could to wreck my life. She told lies all over the internet about me and my husband and even managed to break up the relationship I had with my cousin, who was my best friend at the time. There were days all I could do was cry. Thankfully, a lot of that changed once we got a good lawyer and things were settled in court, because then I knew they didn't have ANY hold on me. There were times my husband would jump in and tell them both off, other times I did. Eventually, my ex's wife divorced him and now things are great! Sadly, she was the major problem. Now my ex and I can actually talk on the phone about plans with our daughter instead of emailing and texting and this entire curtain was just lifted off our shoulders and we're both better people for it. It was extremely difficult to get through, but you have support in a great husband so you can get through it! My prayers are with you in this. My best advice is not to forget who YOU ARE and that you didn't start this mess. Whatever mess he made, he's dealing with it. If they can't accept your gracious attitude, don't offer more than what's stated in your divorce papers. Don't stop smiling at them when you see them, even when it's hard. Trust me, they'll hate that!