Do You Stick Your Nose Where It Doesn't Belong?

I used to butt in all the time where I didn't belong.. now, having learned my lesson in that most people want to complain rather than find a solution, I have learned to only give suggestions/advice when asked.. (such as this board) otherwise, I don't do it. it's been nice no longer being the town therapist... Also, those who generally complain, move along and find others to listen and empathize... I like having little drama in my life...

What helps me is to ask, "Are you just venting, or do you want to discuss this?" I have learned that people just want to be heard. Maybe they'll make some changes, and maybe they won't, but talking it out helps them to process and come to their own conclusions. If they do decide to discuss it with me, then I frame my advice with genuine concern and the constant awareness that MY idea of what's right is not universal. I offer it as simply another option. I rarely want to come across like I'm looking down on them and their decisions.

knowing is half the battle-

now you can -
a. continue giving unsolicited advice. "Molly those plaid pants don't go with that polka dot top."
b. extend an invitation to receive unsolicited advice. "Molly I had plaid pants once too, can I offer you a suggestion on how to wear them?"
c. acknowledge that you are giveing unsolicited advice. "I know you didn't ask my opinion, but Molly, those plaid pants don't go with that polka dot top."
d. bite your tongue. Molly goes out in plaid pants and a polka dot top, and it proves either a disaster or all the rage.

have fun with this, and give yourself room to falter as you grow into a new pattern.

F. B.

I mostly don't say anything unless asked.
In my family, sometimes you can see the train wreck coming from a long way off but there's nothing you can say or do to stop it.
You just have to realize - people are responsible for their own choices and they have to deal with the consequences.
Some people learn from this - while others will make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
Who am I to get in the way of their learning process?

I am like A. L.

People ask me things all of the time.. They want help, they want advise, they want reassurance.

I have learned a few things.
I ask the person , do you want my opinion or are you just venting?

I also always tell people. I am going to say this, not to upset you or hurt your feelings, but this is how I see this.

Or I will tel them .. I am telling you this, but of course it is up to you what you want to do with the information.. suggestion.. etc.

I never take it personally if they do not listen to me or do the opposite..

If someone is absolutely stating something, untrue, hurtful, lies.. I will point it out.

I cannot stand lies. This morning someone posted something on facebook, and had everyone upset.. Some of them started stating some really horrible things about someone.. based on these lies.. I went on there and told them.. This is not true. Do not get pulled into this.. If it sounds outrageous, research it. And then I asked the person to please, please, quit posting lies.

I just cannot stand by and have someone hurt or lies said about someone.

LOL, it's called Mamapedia.com

It's just a matter of self-control. Being in the legal field, you learn quickly to keep things to yourself.

JM

The only way you can stop doing it, is to learn to zip your lips...

me? I have no filter. No, not an excuse, fact of life. I've tried over the years to zip my lips, or even stop my fingers from typing...but alas....the need or desire to express my opinion is overwhelming! :)

When someone is having a conversation and you really want to keep your lips zipped? Walk away. Start doing something else...but walk away!! It will help you keep your sanity as well.

There are times on here - I have to walk away...no sense in stooping to someone's level....no one is perfect...although I'd LOVE to be Mary Poppins!! Practically Perfect in Every way! LOL!!

Good luck!

No, I don't offer unsolicited advice.
I learned that years ago when I was younger.
Peopled don't like being given advice they didn't ask for.

I only offer advice if and when I am asked for it.

Yes. I try and not give the advice they need, but its like an addiction.

I try and open a door for someone I see in need. I try and help when ever I can. with advice, with labor, with kind deeds. I get it from my mom. Both of my grandmas were the same way.

So, I'm here on Mamapedia.

Good luck to you and yours.

i've almost got myself trained out of it!
khairete
S.

i wish i didn't...but i do it all the time. i feel like know it all. maybe i do, so i want to enlighten others.
even when unsolicited, and probably offended at first, i have had people come back later and say you were right and thanks. i don't do it for the thanks part, i do it because i truly believe i have something to offer...and a big mouth too.

When that little niggily voice in your head is saying "maybe I shouldn't say this..."-- then, don't. If it is of value, save it and sit on it, if you know what I mean. Let that opinion just sit quietly.

What I *have* done, when I see a friend going down a wrong road in life, is to try to phrase my concern as an open-ended question instead of offering my opinion. So instead of "oh my gawsh, that guy is such a jerk, you should just dump him" I might ask "Where do you see things going with this guy?" or if he hurt her feelings, to ask "Wow, why do you think he had that response?... Do you think that was reasonable, given the circumstances?"

I don't know if this is the right thing to say, but as someone who has some experience with an actual counselor, what I have noticed is that the open-ended questions are often what trigger greater reflection than just having them tell me to do something (or 'You shouldn't have...").

Also, when in doubt of what to say, I've found "hmm..." is very effective and allows the speaker more time to expand on their thought-- you offer acknowledgment of their words without proffering judgment.

How thoughtful of you to ask this question.:)