Do People Really Want Solutions to Their Problems?

Some people are magic beans kind of people. They are waiting for you to come up with a solution that takes no extra effort and makes their problems go away.

Have you considered buying some beans, painting them pretty colors and telling her to plant them in her back yard?

In these situations, instead of offering advice, I have started asking, "What do you think you will do about it?" This way I show my interest in their life events but don't take any of the responsibility.

I have a friend who I love dearly who is exactly like you describe. She has had the same problems for years and years and, while she hates the problems and they make her unhappy, solving them requires her to do things that she doesn't want to do. It's almost like, "I want my life to change. I just don't want that change to require anything of me."

In short, yes, she just wants to complain, because she knows what she needs to do to change her situation. If you want to continue the friendship either ignore the frustration and say, "uh-hun" alot when she talks or change the subject.

That's all I got. Sorry. For me, I love her more than I hate her complaining so I just ignore it the best I can and get her on a knew subject.

When she complains, she's not asking for advice. She's venting. Period, full stop, that's it. She wants someone to listen and commiserate, not to solve the problem because she already knows how to solve the problem.

You're causing a different problem by approaching the whole thing like a man. :-) Seriously, when I vent to my husband I have to tell him straight out that I don't want him to be a problem solver, I just want him to listen to me vent and then give me a hug so that I can feel better. My best friend knows to do this without prompting, and I know to do it for her. With my BFF, our cues to problem solve come after the venting and maybe that's some time later... one of us has to say, "So about ____... any ideas on how to fix this?"

With my husband, if I want some fixing on a problem then I don't qualify my venting ahead of time.

My suggestion is to try a different approach with her, and you'll be far less annoyed.

This is one of my pet peeves.

Negative Nellies.

Complain, complain, whine, whine..

I also ask, what have you done about this? How are you going to change this?

When I was PTA president, I would tell them, well you do seem to have an opinion, you are now in charge of finding the solution. Or, wow, this seems really important to you, I will tell the current chairman, you know how to fix this...

They either took it on, or they quit complaining..

To my friends, I ask, do you want my opinion, or are you just venting?

But if it is always the same attitude, I change the suject, or do not respond at all. I have actually told a few people, wow, this is like the third time you have said this, when are you going to solve this?

Ah! The "wallowers"! Know them well.
Drives me INSANE!
The same group tends to be (barely) reactive vs. proactive.
Recently had to end O. friendship because of her negativity. Literally could not TAKE it O. more day. When is see her number on my phone, my stomach would twist and knot due to the impending wallowing, complaining and LACK of any action!
That was an extreme example. But still.
But there are times when that's not an option (parent, sibling, etc)
My latest tactic? "gotta go!" I end the phone convo right away,
Have you ever tried recapping to Miss Broke and just saying "we've had this convo many times, I've given suggestions. What do YOU think would help? What do you WANT me to say?"

Some people DON'T want solutions to their problems.
If their problems were solved they'd have noting to kvetch about.
In your friends case she does it as a bid for combined bragging/sympathy.
She's proud of her house/purchases, and she enjoys the 'oh woe is me' mantra.
Just tell them 'Honey, you need a hobby!' and visit a lot less often.
I'm not sympathetic at all to self inflicted/created problems.
When the old song and dance starts up, tell them you've taken up a study of old vaudeville jokes.
"Doctor! Doctor! It hurts when I do this!".
"Well then don't do that!".
Da Dum Bum

some people do, some people don't, is your answer lol.

in your case i would just make a comment like, "well it's not a bad problem to have, having all these nice things. but if it's draining you financially you know the answer already." i am a very fix it or get over it kind of person. i might ask her, "do you want my honest opinion?" if she says yes (they always do even if it's not true) i would say "you know the solution. complaining about it isn't going to change it." once i have "helped" by giving my version of a solution, i don't have a lot of patience for the repeat questions, either. i might mention that my advice would be the same as i gave her last time. you can even say it super nice, "you know hon, i don't know what to tell you. like i said before though, if you don't have enough money, the solution is to get some more - either that, or downsize! lol!" she will get the hint (hopefully) that you've already had this conversation. once she gets tired hearing the same responses every time (without a pity party, btw), she will hopefully find something new to talk about.

it really does sound like a problem that someone with no kids or husband would obsess over. no offense to her. it's just that it sounds like her life is somewhat empty and she's bored and needs filler.

Pretty much, they have nothing else/better to say is how I see it. I agree with the response of "what are you going to do about it?" coupled with "I've given you all I have to offer and I see no point talking about a situation you refuse to change." Then bring up something different.

I have ended friendships because of this. I couldn't stand working with people like this either and it would make me nutty. I don’t mind an occasional complaint because we all do it (no one has a perfect life). I can’t stand to listen when people complain about things they have control over and absolutely refuse to change the situation or to even try.

Some people do like to complain, and some have no idea that there is any other way to converse.

mmmhmmmm

*not being sarcastic - you, like me, want to help people. They don't want help, they want sympathy. So I give the sympathy look with my eyebrows, and go - mmmmhmmmm, that's awful!

i have one like that to. although in her case, it is she who is the culprit of all her unhappiness. she doesn't admit she is unhappy. but i used to tell her all the time that she is unhappy and that is why she creates all these problems in her life when there are none. it kept going and going, and like one poster said, when i see her number on my caller id, usually i just don't answer. lately i have also stopped her in midst of complaining and told her that i cannot listen to so much negativity. is it helping? no, she will never change, but that is why i have stopped taking her phone calls.

I agree and won't listen to it if I can avoid it.

I actually will say "You should x..." Some people avoid me now because I am so judgy or pushy, but I am not bailing the relatives out and sacrificing my family's financial future.

Some people just need to feel heard and I totally get that.
However, some people, like your friend, boggle my mind. I know a woman who is always saying how broke she is. She makes good money, her husband makes good money. His parents send them $1,000/month "just to help out". She'll say she doesn't have enough money for gas to get to work, but next thing you know, she's taking a few days off and taking a trip somewhere, not to mention buying new clothes for the trip.

I'm a single mom. If I am broke, I mean it. I don't have any family to pitch in and help me. If we can't afford something, we can't afford it. So, in a way, I really understand the example you give. When my friend wants to talk about how broke she is, I just let it go in one ear and out the other. She comes from a wealthy family so her idea of being broke may mean that she can't stay in a 4 star hotel on their trips. Her definition of not having money is certainly different than mine.

I know other people who actually feed on chaos and will seem to look for things if times are a little too calm. I truly don't have the energy to be around those people for long.

Then there are people who will complain about anything and everything. Literally.
"My husband cleaned the kitchen for me before I got home from work. Great. Now I have to reload the dishwasher because he didn't do it right".
"My husband had a dozen roses delivered to me at work. Red roses are so passe'. Can't he have some imagination?"
"My mother-in-law gave us $300 to help with the kids school clothes. Is that her way of implying we can't provide for our kids ourselves?"

Some things I just don't understand.

Some people are solution oriented and problem solvers. Some people aren't interested in solutions, they just want to get things off their chests. There is nothing wrong with venting and we all need to do it from time to time. It just seems to me that if a person finds themselves complaining or venting about the same things over and over and over again, the next step would be to find a way to make some changes. But, not all people are wired to think that way.

Some people don't seem to know what to do with themselves if there isn't some sort of storm brewing at all times. My ex-husband happens to be one of those people. I don't understand it. I chose not to live my life that way.

I'm a very sensitive and supportive person. However, when it gets to the point where it's draining my own energy, I remove myself emotionally, meaning, I either listen or change the subject and gracefully remove myself from the situation. We've all got our own problems. I prefer to quietly manage my own myself. But that's just me.

Best wishes and just my opinion.

2,500 just on mortgage!?! That's more than my husband brings home in a month.. She should thank her lucky stars she can afford that! If she doesn't really want your opinion then stop giving it. When she starts complaining tell her instead that you don't want to hear about it. I'm broke. But there are two different kinds of broke. No money period. Or no extra money but bills are paid. If she can find the money to pay such a high mortgage and still have some left over for remodeling or redecorating... She's broke by choice then.

I think we've all encountered that same situation. In the book that I'm writing has a small section about people who want to complain, want to hear you complain right along with them, but want to do nothing about it. I can't speak for your friend, but i can tell you that some of the people that i talk to alway do the same thing of brushing off a possible solution with an excuse because the solution requires them to actually DO something about the situation they are in. However if someone was to offer to take care of it for them, they would let them.

Ha! I just heard a Daddy complaint. One of the kids my daughters ice skates with lodged his complaint with me about his wife..."The key to my happiness is keeping my wife happy, regardless of how I feel". I thought, "Hmmm", they complain about us too.

Our girls go to school together and ice skate together. I think he got too comfortable around me and had a Freudian slip.

If I'm not careful, my default mode is "Fixer". Someone gripes or groans and I rush in with an armful of (usually unsolicited) advice. I find that this attitude is, for me, accompanied by expectations galore; I'll listen BUT if I do, I want you to follow my agenda / be on my timeline.

Turns out people often times need to:
- Feel heard and understood
- Come up with their own solutions

Sometimes people are looking for suggestions (from me). That's pretty obvious because they'll ask, "What do you think I should do?".

Most of the time, I find that people who are complaining just want their hardships to be recognized, to feel not-alone, to be heard, and to process. I try to take a questions based approach, "How's that working for you? Is it worth it? What do you get from this? Is this something that you want to change? How do you feel when X happens? Do you want some help brainstorming solutions?" Or I'll practice reflective listening, "That sounds hard. / So, when X happened you felt X? / Yah, I hear that. You sound really upset."

Too, I *get* to have limitations. If you keep slamming a hammer into your hand and then want a ride to the emergency room when you break a finger, I get to say no. Sometimes I do tell my friends, "I love you. I know this is hard for you. I'm not able to give you the space and energy you need around this. I need to spend time with you where we don't visit this topic."

I complain sometimes. Usually about stuff outside of my control, "This weather really burns my toast. I'm absolutely not ready for it to get cold.".

Other times I complain about things that are a result of my choices.

Example: I am starting school, a custody battle, and my kids will be in kindergarten and childcare (respectively). I've begun a new career related volunteer position that comes along with a LOT of secondary trauma, a commute, and training. My husband works two jobs (both low pay and back breaking).

I'm so darned busy. And also, I wake up feeling excited about life. It's so cool AND I can't breathe. This schedule is hard AND I'm choosing it because it's worth it.

When I gripe, I'm just looking to Gripe. Not to be fixed. Just listened to.

I have a girlfriend who is in a very rigorous academic past. She gripes about it often. It's kicking her butt and she's wicked smart. She doesn't want to quit AND she's exhausted. That's cool. Both of those things gets to be true at once.

Some people are just complainers. Some do it and don't even know they're doing it until you point it out. And even then, they get mad at you for pointing it out. We're in a time that kind of allows for it you know? The economy, the job we have, the job we don't have..and so on. Some people are just creatures of habit and whether they are doing well or not, will always find something to complain about. I think it depends on your character.....you'll either get off your butt and get the 2nd job or you won't and continuosly complain.

I am geared toward resolution. I ask my friends if they are seeking advice or just a sounding board. If I know going in that they just want a sounding board, then I can dial it back and "help" by listening or half listening. I give them a time limit.

The friendship isn't just about meeting my needs. I have to meet their needs, too, and sometimes that means listening to their grumblings. Sometimes I want to just say the words aloud to someone to generate some problem-solving of my own, but I don't necessarily want THEIR advice.

If you are her friend, help where you can. When you can't, say it--"I can't help you any further with this because you're not interested in what else I have to offer." I actually say stuff like that to my friends. Keep in mind that your advice is based on what YOU think is needed. Have you asked her what she thinks she needs? Why she does what she does? Turn the conversation into something that can be more interesting and stimulating for both of you.