Divorce Experiences

Joint custody is a bad idea. When no one has legal custody they can't make ANY decisions without the other one being in agreement. IF she says yes and he says no then it's a no since he won't agree. If she has custody she can make the decisions when needed.

If they both have custody and he doesn't like the child care provider then she can't leave the kids there, if he wants to come pick them up every day and feed them ice cream with chocolate syrup right before dinner she can't do anything about it. He has that legal right.

If they both have legal custody only one gets to file the kids on their tax refund, no one pays child support, no one has legal authority to do anything. If he takes the kids to live with him she can't do anything. He has that right.

It only goes on and on.

My daughter was 2. She doesn't see her father at all and doesn't remember him. She asked for him for 2 weeks then never again. She is now 9 years old. As soon as I made a decision on leaving and in turn when my divorce came through I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I have a very happy, sociable child. I went back to college and now have a fantastic, well paid job. The not so good: we struggled financially for probably 2-3 years, but it was soooo worth it in the end. We are very happy. I never bad-mouth him and if she asks questions I am always honest.

You have a few answers to your question already.

But if you really want to learn about divorce and the problems it creates for a family, then read all the questions moms put in about the problems of divorce. I don't think I've ever been here on mampedia where some mom wasn't complaining about their old spouce and how unfair things are.

If there is any way to save your marriage, then do so. It wil be well worth the effort. It always amazes me that spouces will spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in front of judges, lawyers, and counselors, but won't spend $50 on marital relationship books and a few dozen hours in front of marriage counselors. Divorce is definatly the hard way.

Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and after you have read it give it to your husband. You will learn a lot about men and he will learn a lot about women. Then get the movie, "Fireproof" and watch it with your husband. Buy the manual, "The Love Dare". Follow its directions and you will be amazed at the positive results. I have been following the principles in "The Love Dare" in our marriage. We celebrated our 39th anniversary this year.

Good luck to you and yours.

i dont think you ever "get through" a divorce. your life alters a lot for the better, and a lot harder in ,many ways. as with all life it's a give and take

sure you dont have to deal with the ex daily but you still have to deal with them ALOT about the kids
you have to split the kids
miss holidays
learn you can have final or any real say in what happens at dad's house

The lessons I AM learning are

-You have to let go ALOT
-pick your battles with your ex
-never trash him in front of kids or family..i save that for my boyfriend(this was an easy no brainer fo M.)
-stay close with his family and your nieces and nephews..they didnt divorce you
-realize holidays arent about the day of the month but the meaning. its better to celebrate a day early or late then make your life hell fighting over it
--oh and per my last post- buy lots of shoes=)
my daughter is 6 now, was 3 when we seperated...we lived together (time shared the house) for a year while seperated so we spoke about living in seperate home the entire duration concentrating on the positive.

I have my daughter
Monday, Tuesday. wed, thursday until 6:30-7pm, friday, saturday until 5ish soemtimes later

so he has her a little bit of thursday night (his work is far), and then has her on sat nights and sundays and drops her to school mondays

be prepared to lose everything and shatter everyone's world and never feel god about your decision-because there are children involved

to me divorce was like a loved one died but no one had actually died. i said the same to a family memeber who wasnt understanding why she was feeling so sad when she and the man agreed to divorce and the marriage was not good. i told her she was mourning the death of her marriage. a bit dramatic but truly be prepaired for a lot more with children. become friends or at least friendly always bring your smile and kind face just as you would to a stranger in a store that is having a bad day. its there issue and they wont ruin your day. meaning be kind to your ex even if he isnot because its healthier for you.
after divorcing my first husband (verbal and begining to be physically abusive) i know i could never divorce again. i am against it anyway (for myself not a judgement on others) i feel guilty, sad, scared of him. it never goes away completely but it has got better. 11 years divorced. no kids with him. remarried and marriage is not easy. now married to a wonderful man but we still have our moments just like anyone else but i believe he is reasonable enough to work through anything and he would never actually hurt me. we are friends!

my divorce was hard. so hard. my daughter was 2 yrs old, so she doesnt remember that time in our lives. my ex cheated. i thought i could get over it, so i took him back. we went to counseling. didnt work. the thought of him having his hands and body parts on someone other than his wife grossed me out. but i still loved him at the same time. i didnt want it to end, but i did. kind of a catch 22. in the end we ended up going thru the divorce. i was so hurt, for so long. he broke his promise to me when he put that ring on my finger. he split after the divorce. joined the military, went overseas, didnt have much to do with his now 15 year old daughter.. still doesnt. got married again shortly after, no kids from that marriage. got divorced a second time and married a third. he is now 40 years old and has a 6 month old baby, not that there is anything wrong with that, but he didnt make a mends with his daughter now. their relationship is estranged. never took his daughter on scheduled visits, even before he joined the military. he treated her more like his friend than his daughter. i would never regret my daughter, but my marriage to him shouldnt have ever happened. i dont know if i thought i was in love or if it was the "next step"? i still think about that. in the beginning i hated seeing him with other women. i got jealous even though i wanted the divorce too. i was starting to regret my decision. after we had been divorced for about three years he made an advance towards me. he fixed my car for me so that i could have a reliable car for me and for our daughter. i asked how much i owed him and he said "well, maybe we could have sex one more time"... WHAT??? i couldnt believe what i had just heard. he was already married to wife #2 by this time. i just shook my head and said "well now i know how you acted when you were married to me"... his decisions have affected our 15 year old greatly! i dont know if he thought that since he wasnt married to me anymore that meant he didnt have the resp of being a dad?? i dont know. all i know is he is very sad man. i dont think he is happy in the relationship now. i think he puts on this huge front. i have learned over the years he is a man who doesnt like to live life alone. he HAS to have a woman there. it was devastating on my daughter. we are better off now. she has an AWESOME step daddy! good luck!

M., when you say you stayed for the kids, what is he doing for the kids? It doesn't sound like he is connected to them either. You know, they will think this is normal, to be the kind of parent who has nothing to do with the family. Is this what you want them to learn about marriage and parenting?

Your daughter will marry someone like him. Always begging for approval, never feeling worthy. Your son will be like his dad and starve his wife of love and warmth. He'll be a cold fish.

Perhaps divorcing your husband will force him to actually pay attention to these children.

Dawn