I have a 3 year old son and I have been doing time-outs with him since he was probably 18 or so months old. He hates them....which is a good thing, but I can't get him to stay in his time out. I have a timer, that I set for 3 minutes and if he gets up and starts leaving his time-out, I start the time-out over. I let him know at the beginning of each time-out as well that if he gets up and starts to leave it starts over. he also will start to hit, which also starts the time-out over and I have also increased his time by 1 minute due to hitting during that time-out. He will throw the biggest tantrums during time-out as well. somedays are worse than others, and as kids go, he goes through defiant phases and those are the worse. sometimes I am at my wits end trying to figure out what I can do to make time-outs easier for myself, and help him understand that he has to stay in time-out until the timer goes off. does anyone have any similar situations and have tried anything that works. Also, my son will not go willingly to time-out. again, a good thing because I know he hates it and it works, but at the same time, I am pregnant and cannot pick him up well to put him on time-out (he's a very solid boy of 43 pounds). any advice about getting him to go willingly, or is that a never ending battle and I should be thankful that he hates it cause I do know that time-outs work. he usually does what I ask when I tell him if he doesn't he will go on time out. any suggestions please.
thank you all for the advice. basically he's a good kid. he gets lots of reinforcement for his good behavior, but he goes through phases of defiance, which is normal for his age, and when he does he is stubborn and strong willed. I guess I know we are doing all the right things, becuase the defiance doesn't last too long, maybe a week, if that, and on those really bad days he gets about 1-3 time outs that day, it just depends on what he is doing. we have tried in the past to take away his toys, and he really doesn't care. so we stick with the time outs, again 1 minute for every year of his age. I also do the 1-2-3 and if I get to 3 he's on time-out. he usually shapes up before 3. I appreciate all the helpful words. I know it is very frustrating when he is very defiant during time-outs, and I do try my hardest not to get overly frustrated and I try myself to take a time-out to just breath before continuing, so that my voice lowers and I kneel down to his level and everything. it just doesn't always work when he's being that stubborn. I think for now we are in the clear for a while, but I know that phase of testing boundaries will be back sooner than I would like. thank you again.
Stop the time outs! Use another form such as taking away a favorite toy. Timeouts are not working or you would not be fighting him to take his time outs. What is happening here, YOU are doing the time out and he is still acting out.
I am a 68yr old Mother of 5 and I have done Childcare for over 45yrs. Timeouts are not always a solution.
Why would a bright kid go willingly to punishment? Be real! R., I know you are trying your best....so, place the child in a corner where you need not lift! Sit and face him, at a stare. If he rebells, shove him back to the corner and say you "will not receive (whatever it is as a SURPRISE) as a reward as good boy...favorite toy, no sweets, please! Remember, good behavior also gets set for timer! He needs to hear "good boy!" more often.
Actually, child care is much like training the dog! At this age, if you can afford one, get a smart dog from the FPCA...a very small one, please, good with kids as a recommendation. Try this on trial with an adoption agency of animals if possible. Yes, the dog needs attention, too...but the child will project to the dog's habits as you train...all in the family!
No cats...cats cause allergies. Make certain the dog such as a hound or sweet disposition of a cocker spaniel is welcome. It will certainly divert the problems.
Speaking of problems, Becca...take away all the potential situations that cause mis-behavior...within reason. Raised two boys of very different dispositions. Busy minds need to be entertained by pop-up books...go to the library soon! See what inspires without too much stimulus. Too much causes confusion and frustration. Three books back, max!
Good health to ALL of you...keep your sanity! Baby.
Get the book Positive Discipline it will change things for you. Just try it out it can really work wonders if you are open to it.
Hi, A counsler in a parenting class I took said she hates time outs! She said most adults couldn't handle a time out, let alone a child. Her suggestion was to do it for 1 minute. And loke the previous response, don't raise your voice. Catch him being "good" instead of reinforcing the negative behavior. Kids want attenion - any attention. If they are going to get it for being "bad" sometimes, they're going to do it. It is hard to adjust, but if you can be consistant with this it will work! Good luck.
Dear R.,
How many time outs are you using on your little bundle of love?
Your 3 year old knows that soon his full attention will be replaced. It seems like you r rewarding his negative behavior by giving him time outs. The more you catch him being "bad" the more you are rewarding him with a time out. Try this for a week and see how it turns out. Reward the good behavior. Force yourself to notice the good behavior and reward him with a hug and seven kisses. Count the kisses with him. In the morning, play a 2 or 3 minute game called catch me if you can. Allow him to catch you easily at the beggining and reward him with a hug and kiss. As he gets better at catching you, make it just a little challenging. All your son is asking for is attention. Have him earn it by doing something good for you.
At the beggining it will be hard for you to focus on the possitives since you have already trained yourself to look for the negatives. This is an anthology used to described what seems to be going on at. When you focus on the mud whole, you are missing out on the niagra falls running down behind you.
The point is that it is not your little boy, it is you. You have the POWER to focus all your energy either on your boys negaitves just like you have been doing it. And you have the POWER to focus all your energy on your boys positives. The choice is yours. Your little bundle of joy will only respond to your leardership. What ever you focus ON will expand.
What other activities are you providing for your son that are enriching him to become the best at?
The one thing i can say is be consistant do not threat time out after one time saying you will recicve a time out for the mis behavior do not say it more then once or your child will not believe you will follow threw, also doingt the three min imer is great it lets him know what to wait for also keep him away from being distrated like facing a wall. and even after time out he repeats this behvior try not to give him another one instead talk to him of why that behvior is not good and then give hime somthing to do that will keep him busy childern as we all know have very short attetion spans that is the main reason why he is having troble staying on time out and i know its hard while being prego and k=not wnating to get hurt. I only have a two month old daugheter but i have been working with childern for 7 years and my brother in law has trouble with time outs as well and he has tryed many things like have them do push ups and stuff but his childern are alot older. so the main thing i can suggest is constitancy.
i know that people (parents) seem to love the idea of time-outs. but it's true that with some kids they just don't work because of the battle.
my son hates timeouts too (just turned 5yrsold). for awhile i was having the most crazy battles trying to put him in timeout. he would scream "i'm not going in timeout" over & over again. i would forcefully put him in and have to stay close because he would get out.
something i read in the book Love & Logic Magic for Early Childhood (which by the way is a GREAT book) suggested having "thinking time" in their room. by putting the child in the room they get it that their behavior in unappropriate. tell them "oh-oo, that's never good" and then walk them to their room. tell them "it's time for you to think about what just happened" and ask them if they want the door open or closed while they stay in their room. if they refuse to stay in their "thinking time" then you can say "looks like you chose to have the door closed" & then close & keep the door closed so they can not escape until their time is up.
other ideas instead of "time-outs"/ "thinking time" is taking away toys. maybe both might work for really bad behavior!!
I have had great success with a book called "Time In: When time out Doesn't Work" by Jean Illsley Clarke. It has been a life saver for us. I am happier and so is my little guy. Much better behaved too. Now I use time out only a couple of times a month compared to several times a day. I think we are closer and he understands more about rules and safety etc.. The book is a quick read (only 71 pages) and easy to impliment. It is problem based with lots of great examples for each situation.
Gosh yes, at this age from 2-5 years old, kids get very obstinate and defiant among other things. Well, for me, I've done what all the others suggested here...but- another thing I do is to explain to my child about how their behavior makes ME feel. When my daughter acts that way, I tell her it makes me upset and unhappy ( I label the feelings) and tell her I don't want to play with her when she's like that. That we are a TEAM and we are a FAMILY and we have to try our best to get along. That is how 'big girls' act. With children, it's IMPORTANT to get them to gain EMPATHY, and to understand the feelings of others and what their actions do to OTHERS. The world does not revolve around them or their moodiness. It impacts others too. This works with my daughter, and it has made her very aware of her self, and the 'cause-and-effect' of her actions. Then she will apologize...and we talk about it. She completely 'gets it.' I have taught her this from when she was 2 years old. It's a learned process...and it helps. Try it. Kids even young, need to learn about their behavior and what it does and what it causes. Not just a matter of 'good' or 'bad' labeling.
ALso teaching them to 'say' how they feel... using the proper names for their emotions... so they don't get so frustrated or spin out of control. My daughter will tell me "i'm grumpy with myself..." or "I"m not in the mood right now mommmy..." or "I'm frustrated because...." and this helps to de-flate the moody episodes they have. Whenever my girl is having a fit, I tell her "what is it your'e feeling... why are you so (grumpy, frustrated etc.)" Then we deal with it. Because of that, she is very articulate for her age, and her teachers have commented on it too. There needs to be validation on both sides. Good luck.
I have fortunately never had these problems with my daughter. But my best friend has these same problems. The doctor on base told us to not raise our voices and try not to let him know that he is stresses us out. When kids get that reaction they act even worse. It takes alot of time and strength but it worked. A month later he is a diffrent child.
Here is a good article to read on this subject
R., I watch the supper nanny shows all the time, and the one thing I've gotten out of the time out situations is that the kids hate them. Thats why they are time outs. If he gets up, put him back. Yes, it might last a hour, but hopefully the next time out he gets will only last 45 minutes, then maybe only 30, and so on until he gets the idea. I had to do the same thing with my daughters when it came to bedtime. It worked, (Yes it was very hard, they would scream and throw fits, but you have to stay strong). I was shocked when it started working. And very excited. Walk away from him after he is put in time out, and when he leaves, you go pick him up and take him back to time out, without saying a word to him. Trust me it works. But, becareful, he is a big guy for you to be picking up if your preganant. Take care of yourself too. I hope this helps a little.
Oh my gosh! It was like I wrote this myself!!!!!!!!!!! I too have a very strong willed 3 year old son that HATES timeouts and refuses to walk on his own to the timeout spot. He also howls the whole time he is on timeout. Our new strategy is to not do timeouts and we take away a toy instead. We try and stay very calm about it and there are only about 3 things that will get a toy taken away: nasty talk, hitting, kicking. I can't wait to hear other responses, but I wanted to let you know I TOTALLY get your frustration. Hang in there and thanks for sharing because now I feel like someone else is out there dealing with this too and I'm not this awful parent! A.
Hi R.:
Time-outs are to teach them the consequences of bad behavior. What may work I find is creating a bright posterboard with stickers and something he takes interest in (cars, trucks, planes, trains, etc. Its never too early to give them the house rules and if he does not obey or follow the rules then he gets 3 mins on the naughty circle. Parenting is the hardest job in the world because it requires patience and consistency. So with that said, when he breaks one of the rules walk him over to the naughty circle and tell him, I put you on the naughty circle BECAUSE you broke the ........rule so you have to sit here for 3 minutes. Then go about your business definetly being within observing distance and ignore the negative behavior such as tantrums (thats a given). As long as you stay in control and dont yell or lose it maintain a strong sense of composure and he'll sense it! Dont use the timer that only will freak him out and 3 minutes really isnt that long. Its the concept of you break a rule you go to the naughty cirle. Then After the 3 minutes reconfirm why you did it... I put you on the naughty circle because ..... tell mommy you're sorry...wait for the sorry and then hug him and brush it off. You will be TESTED over the next week or so but IF you stay consistant he WILL get the concept of his good behavior and bad behavior. Good luck!
