What do I do about about a preteen who has decided he no longer has to do what I say. I tell him not to do something he does it any way. Sone of the issues are minor like " no snack dinner is almost ready" then I look up and he has something any way. Some are more serious and could be dangerous. We go out on the lake a lot. He knows not to stand on the edge of the boat deck while he is fishing. Every time we are on the boat I have to fuss over and over about him standing on the edge.This is just a few examples. Nothing I do as punishment seems to work. What do I do?
This is in response to the natural consequences. I have thought about that and have wanted to see if it works but the thought of letting him fall in scares me and then no supper makes me sound like a terrible mother. I guess it is time to try it. One Mom mentioned driving and that scares me too. If he cant listen now what will he do when he has more freedom. He is not a bad kid. He gets good grades. His teachers love him. He does not cause problems at school. He listens to his Dad but not me. I think part of it is he is growing up and thinks he doesnt need Mon or her rules any more.
He does have his life jacket on while on the boat. That is another rule he does not want to follow. He has not taken it off but is constantly asking at what age he doesnt have to wear it. I told him that rule is not up for negotiation. It is the law and even if it wasnt a law it is a Momma law.
Thank you Moms. I think you all are correct that I probably need to shut up some. I admit I probably talk to much and he tunes me out and doesnt understand the "why" as one Mom put it. Dad and I are divorced but we do talk about the kids and even though we are divorced we get along well and work on issues together for our kids. He has told me I need to lighten up and he will listen more. I will definately sit down with him and try to figure out a plan of what kind of freedom he needs and try to compromise on some issues. Snacking and the boat are just a few examples. I do think he is just trying to spread his wings a bit. I probably do need to pick battles better Thank Moms I appreciate the help. We all make mistakes and we all need to grow. Sometimes it takes other Moms to show us this.
And to the Mom that said I need to put down the trashy novels. I read mostly mystery type books. My son loves to read also. A lot of times he curls up on the couch with me. He reads his book and I read mine. This is mostly in the winter months. During the summer I rarely read. We are to busy camping, boating,fishing,swimming etc.
Sometimes they HAVE to learn the hard way, for some kids (I swear) they just have a genetic make-up that requires it. Hard when all we are trying to do is protect them.
As for the whole snack before dinner thing. Is there a reason? I mean if he's hungry and still eats his food I'm not seeing the issue.
I hope he's wearing a life vest on the boat? If he is and you are right there then let him fall in, or take away his pole until he's ready to follow the rules.
As far as snacks go I say as long as you only have healthy snacks available (carrots, grapes, etc.) let him snack as much as he wants. If he's getting into junk like chips and cookies well then only buy a certain amount and let him know if/when he eats it all then it's gone. My daughter was doing this with desserts especially, so I started buying a limited amount, once a week, no more. She's learned to make it last.
Natural consequences means letting them suffer the consequences of their behavior, so rather than telling them what to do all the time they learn if I do X then Y will happen. That's how they learn. If they get upset you simply remind them, well you made the choice and now you must deal with the result (i.e. you ate your cookies in two days so now you won't have any more until next week.)
This is especially important with preteens and teens. They need to start making choices AND they need to learn from those choices. They aren't little kids anymore.
If he doesn't know how to stand on a boat he doesn't get to stand on a boat. Teens are simple. If they want to do something they must play by the rules. There is no punishment they lose the privileged because they don't want to play by the rules.
You want to make your own snack, then you follow the rules, if not ickle mommy is going to make you your ickle snackeypoo.
If they want to be an adult they need to know there are consequences for their choices. Think about what driving will bring, right?
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Natural consequences are not falling in a lake or not eating dinner. You seem to be missing that these are not rights these are privileges. Small children are not allowed to stand on the side of a boat, adults are, but adults are because they follow common sense rules. If he cannot act like a responsible person, an adult, he will be treated like a child, that is the natural consequence of immature behavior!
Strip him from his privileges and things should change. Even if that means taking everything out of his room, take away all electronics and take his door off.
Kids only do what they are allowed to do. Send the message you are not kidding around.
Also, read "how to talk so kids will listen" - it helps as well. Approach is a huge factor in getting your message across.
Good luck!
I really agree with the suggestion of "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. It sounds like there is a communication disconnect, wherein he is asserting his independence by not complying with your requests and you are getting frustrated.
I would talk to him when things are calm and use a lot of "I feel (angry, frustrated, upset) when you do something I ask you not to do. For example, when I ask you to wait until dinner but you take a snack anyway. I can see that you are hungry, and you can see that dinner is almost ready. How can we come up with a plan so that we won't be frustrated with each other?"
Possible solutions could be: he can choose from some healthy options (carrot or celery sticks, small handful of almonds or nuts, half an apple) OR he may wait until dinner. If he chooses to eat a different snack, then maybe he loses dinner for that evening.
I agree with the idea that you need to lay down the law regarding the boat. "If I have to keep reminding you to be safe on the boat, you will miss out on the next trip. This is a safety issue and I need to be firm about this." Besides falling in, the other natural consequence is "you are not showing us that your are being responsible on the boat, so we're going to have to wait a while until we can see improved responsibility."
I think it IS okay to sometimes let them go without dinner for a night. I think, though, if there is a consistent problem with the snacking then it's good to try to problem-solve around it beforehand, not in the moment. Maybe even have HIM write up a proposed solution and try it for a couple of weeks.
I would pick two specific areas you want to see improvement in and work just on those two and let the other stuff go a little bit, this way he doesn't feel like you are on him about every.little.thing. The other thing I want to add is that often, we overtalk our reasons, opinions with our kids. Sometimes we need to just state the expectation, the consequence, and then follow through without a lot of lecturing, this way he is more likely to focus on his mistake than to focus on being mad at you.
If he gets a snack you take it away from him and say, "I told you no snack, dinner is almost ready." When you are on the boat if he does not listen the first time you take the fishing pole away from him. You then say, "I told you not to stand on the edge of the boat. Until you decide to listen to me you will not get to fish."
Remember YOU are the parent not him!
Good Luck
I have a teen boy. And a pre-teen girl.
From the 2 examples you gave, I would say you are too all over him. Why does he ignore you? Not because he is intentionally being defiant perhaps, but maybe because he doesn't see the "why" behind it. One of the responses you already have asked about his snacking before dinner affecting his appetite at dinner. Does it? My teen son can eat a couple of snacks in the 45 minutes before we sit down at the table and STILL eat a full healthy dinner. They are growing so much at this age, that unless he is overweight (and I don't mean that little pudge they get just before they shoot up in height---and around age 11-13 they can get a belly/waist they have never had before on even the healthiest, trimmest kid)... then there isn't a real reason to restrict his intake. Unless you just like setting arbitrary rules.
If he is "starving" and "can't" wait until dinner, but then doesn't eat his dinner after snacking, do what you would for a younger child. OFFER him a snack, but earlier, so that he has time to be hungry for dinner. My son comes home from school absolutely famished some days. He eats for 30 minutes non-stop when he first gets home. Does your son have a snack earlier in the afternoon (after lunch, before dinner)?
As for the boat. Well, I am not on scene so it is hard to say, but why fuss at him? He knows. He also knows (or thinks he knows) his abilities and limits. Let him test them out with you right there if he messes up. He is wearing a life jacket. Are there piranha in the water or something? What do you think will happen if he does fall in? Sure, he could hit his head. But more than likely he will just get wet and embarrassed, and learn that it is a bad idea to stand there and will quit, which is what you want, after all.
If you fuss over everything, he will tune out whatever you say when you fuss. So stop fussing over everything, and let some stuff go (or quit fussing and start acting on the first time, instead of warning him for things he should already know).
My son snuck out of his cabin (with one of the pastors' sons) while at camp this past week. They got caught. And had to do jumping jacks or something silly that embarrassed them and was annoying. There is no need for me to follow up NOW and say-- you shouldn't have been doing that. He knows! So I laughed at him. HAHAHAHHAA You got caught! And had to do jumping jacks! HAHAHAHAHA
His sister had cabin mates that snuck out too. She stayed where she was supposed to. They got caught, too. She heard them getting into trouble. (Pat on the back for you, sweetheart. Aren't you glad you did the right thing?)
Give him a little room to grow up. My son gets his learner's permit this week. Scary? You betcha. But being responsible for himself is what growing up is all about. We have been grooming him for self-responsibility his whole life. How can he practice it if we stand over him and constantly point out every single danger and foible he could get into? It doesn't work that way.
So yeah... he probably listens to Dad better, because Dad ignores (or just doesn't see, as some men are known to not see certain things) some of the more minor piles of poo your son might step in, and is confident that your son will learn from his mistakes. You can't learn from them if you are never allowed to make them. When Dad DOES say something, your son listens. Fewer words are listened to more carefully.
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Oh... just wanted to clarify. By pre-teen, I'm assuming you mean an 11 or 12 year old. I was talking with a friend earlier this week who mentioned another mutual friend had referred to her daughter as a "tween". Her daughter is 6 years old. Ummmm... NOT a tween. Not even close. Tween is double digits, right? Anyhoo... just wanted to clarify that we aren't talking about a 9 year old.
It sounds as if boundaries need to be set into place and consequences need to be predictable as well. I've had to find new ways to give consequences for my obstinate, 9-going on 21-year old daughter. Use your son's currency to get him to comply and always give praise when warranted. Sit down and talk with your son about his behavior. Ask him what he feels should happen if/when others, including himself, do not follow the rules. I've learned that by talking with my children I've been able to learn a ton, enabling me to use creative ways to benefit our family dynamic.
Good luck.
Heck, sometimes I am starving right before dinner. Why not acknowledge this and say.. I can tell you are starving. Here are some (insert what you will allow him to have) So come up with some approved snacks..
He is a teen boy. They really do seem to be hungry all of the time. That is not going to change it is going to get worse! Hee, hee
My nephew could polish off a box of cereal between lunch and dinner, but he still has a great appetite at dinner.
Dip made from yogurt and raw vegetables.
A small bowl of nuts.
A small bowl of unsweetened cereal.
You decide.
The deal on the boat. I would let him know you do not want him standing on the side of the boat, and if he falls in, he will not be allowed back on the boat for the rest of the summer.. For a month.. whatever.. You decide..
I still tell my husband. "If you get hurt doing this, I am NOT going to give you any sympathy.". He still acts like he is 13 years old!!!
What's his currency? What motivates him? He can earn or not this thing.
If he cannot behave on the boat, then leave him on the shore. If you can't trust him on the shore, then make sure he has someone keeping an eye on him. I would tell him the boat rules and if he disobeys, then he is removed from the boat, even if it cuts your boat trip short. Better a mad kid than a dead one.
I would also look at other things he could do and say, "Do you want more say in your life? Do you want to prove to me that you can handle more responsibility? Then let's sit down and make a list of some of the things you want and some of the ways you can earn it." You retain all veto power, but it could be an interesting conversation.
Example, well before the sks learned to drive, they were given responsibilities like "you can take the bus to your friend's house alone, but you must be back by x time, no excuses." They had to prove they could hold a job to pay for gas and insurance. If they wanted x, then the path included y. When SS was not motivated to learn to drive or get a job, we said, "We will take you to/from school and football but we will not be taking you anywhere else. We will renew your learner's permit ONCE and once it runs out, you are on your own. We are not a taxi and we live in an area where you have many options." SS managed to eek out getting a license after he had a taste of public transit and knew we were serious. Funny enough, we never had that problem with his younger sister...
I think that teens and toddlers are in similar phases. My DD so badly wants to "do it myself!" but sometimes it's not appropriate. Just today she got out her own juice. The juice was not the issue. The spill was. We had a little chat about how she still needed to ask, and that she needed to keep the juice in the kitchen and now she needed to help me clean up. So what is it that your son wants to "do it myself!", even if he's currently trying to tell you in a backwards passive aggressive sort of way? Is there a way to meet in the middle?
Re: the life jacket, I would tell him "never" and if he's not wanting to wear it b/c Dad isn't, ask Dad to set an example. If he is not defiant to his father, does his dad support you? Maybe Dad needs to weigh in on some manly "you will not disrespect your mother/my wife."
RE: snacking, my SS can eat what I'd consider a full meal and still sit down to dinner. If it's not all junk and he still eats dinner, then I'd let it go. Teen boys can eat you out of house and home.
ADD: Please do not be a chicken about this. What is more important, teaching your child about the consequences of his behavior, or "sounding like a terrible mother"?
Why are you worried about sounding like a terrible mother? ONE missed dinner because he snacked when you expressly said no snacking - how does that become "terrible"?
If he cannot behave responsibly near water, then he doesn't get to go. Make arrangements with someone to be his baby sitter on lake trips. Tell him that if he does not behave responsibly on the boat or the dock, then he will not come on the next trip. Then follow through.
Better to BE a good mother and sound like a terrible one than to not discipline him and have him get into even BIGGER trouble down the road.
ORIGINAL: Natural consequences. Can he swim? If yes, let him fall in. If he cant swim and he doesn't listen, then don't take him on the boat. He snacks, then no dinner.
Decide whats important to you. Really important. Then put your boundary there and keep it.
I see you are a reader. Put down the trashy novels and find a book on raising teens because they do this all the time.
"How to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk"
Would be a great place to start. You have to talk less. It makes them mother deaf. There are going to be times you just have to grit your teeth and let them reap the consequences.
Take all snacks out of the house, and give him none. Find a privilege or item he cares about, and take that away.
Pick your battles....
When he has a snack, does he still eat a good dinner or does it get wasted? If he eats his dinner then nix that rule. If he wastes his dinner then the next time, he misses dinner, and follow through. If he knows he can play you, he will.
As far as safety issues I would not mess around. Maybe he listens to dad because dad follows through with the consequences? Not sure, just guessing?
easy, he eats a snack no dinner..... the boat issue if hes under 16 they are required to have a life jacket on no matter what. so make him wear it!!!!!!!!!! if he falls in no biggy he just gets to be soggy fo a while
