Kids Far Apart in Change / Parenting Perspectives / Rule Changes

Life is easier for the parents when the rules are consistent across the board for the kids, but it doesn't make it right for the kids. I think its important for kids to learn that privilege comes with age. As you get older and more responsible, you earn more freedom, responsibility and privilege.

You weren't a lazy parent before, don't be one now. The same rules would mean less whining, but would only teach the 4 year old that if he whines he gets the same thing as his 14 year old sister.

This post doesnt make sense to me, and I think to others. Maybe you left something out? are you going to say maybe she shouldn't get her driver's license until the little ones are old enough?
Her world has changed so much, I would try to keep things the same for her as much as possible.
My youngest was 14 yrs younger than my middle child. He never expected to be able to do what she did, stay home alone, go out at 8:00 when he was going to bed, etc etc

I'm confused about what needs to change. A 14 year old should have more independence and fewer/different rules than a 4 year old. 14 year old should have a later bedtime, more chores, more autonomy, and higher expectations.

There's a way to work with, say, the being hungry after dinner thing. 4 year old should have a MUCH earlier bedtime, so ask that your 14 year old get her snack once the 4 year old is in bed. Easy fix.

Even my 13 and 12 year old have slight differences when it comes to rules and privileges. Because they are different people, and because there's 18 months of development and maturity between them. When the "it's not fair" comes into play, I simply remind them that we aren't socialists. What they get is based upon effort, integrity, merit, ability and seniority. That's how the real world works.

congrats on the impending adoption! oh, so much happy!
and i think despite the rockiness of the transition period, the happy can continue. you've obviously done a great job with your teenager. don't wish that away! you were exactly the mom you needed to be for the kid and lifestyle you had.
that's changing, but that doesn't involve re-parenting, just re-negotiating some structure, and at 14 your daughter can and should be engaged and actively participating in the restructuring.
she's 14 and plenty old enough to keep eating when she wants, so long as she's sensible (which she obviously is.) i'm betting there are lots of other things she's earned the privilege to do, in addition to arranging her room to her own tastes. the little fellows would be pitching fits even if they'd been with you from the gitgo. and that hunger to share ALL the privileges that age and responsibility bring are part of the tactics you use in parenting 'em. 'yes, timmy, i know you wish you could do xyz like your sister. but that's for big girls. when you're 14 like samantha is now, we'll discuss it.'
and i know the food is just one tiny example, but there are probably things you can let the little guys have, even if they can't go and prepare their own snacks like she can.
so i think a sit-down with hubby is very necessary so he'll get on the same page. there's no way your daughter should suddenly be yoinked into abiding the same rules by which pre-schoolers must abide. especially since she seems so good about the big life changes she's experiencing. in fact, MORE freedoms are probably called for as she rises to the challenges.
so first of all fix your husband, and hammer out some family parameters that you both feel are musts. then include your daughter in the expanding conversation and let her have a reasonable say. she sounds as if her input will be useful and enlightening.
i'm sure there will be bumps ahead, and equally sure you're up to all of them. i look forward to reading about how you weave your lovely family together, coco.
khairete
S.

Well, you have to work out what works best for your family. But your husband needs to understand that you naturally will have different rules for different age kids. For example, an older kid will be allowed to have a later bedtime than a younger kid. An older kid may make themselves a healthy snack, but a 4 year old cannot. An older kid may watch different shows and movies than a younger one...may play different video games...may be allowed to own their own electronics or phone. It is FAIR to have different rules for different kids depending on their ages. But you will also have some rules that are the same for all children. Like, we all help clean up after dinner, we all sit at the table together at dinner time until excused. So, my advice is to look at each scenario independently and yes, in many cases the rules will be different for your older daughter than for your much younger kids. And the young kids need to respect this.

The rules change as you grow up. Older kids get to do things that younger kids don't. When the younger kids get older, they will be able to do what the older kid now does.
When my stepdaughter was 14 and my daughter was 7, my daughter wanted to do everything her sister did, and had to be told, "No, you're too young." Did she like it? No. Did she scream, "NOT FAIR!" Yep. Did she get over it? Sure did. Was she scarred for life by it? Not in the slightest.

I guess I'm not understanding why you're daughter's rules have to change if things have been going well the way you've been doing them. The quote posted below is right. Do what works for each child.

My boys are 10 and 17, and they each have very different rules. Similarly to your situation, when they were younger our oldest could get food whenever he was hungry, but our youngest could not. Now our oldest can go to bed whenever he is tired, but our youngest has a set bedtime. We do what is best for each child.

You will get through this transitional period and your children will see that you are doing what is best for each of them. Congratulations on your growing family!

Different ages = different stages.
You don't have to change anything with your oldest.
Independence is the goal.
She'll be grown and out on her own before you know it.
Your younger kids will grow into it eventually but they are too young for it right now.
You can't expect the older to be bound by the same rules as the younger kids.
The younger kids are just going to have to wait till THEY are 14 to make 14 yr old decisions.

No I don't think you should have done anything differently with your 14 yr old. She's a good kid and followed the rules you set for her.

As far as your younger children wanting to do the same things as their older sister? Sorry but life isn't the same when you are 4 vs 14. It gives the younger kids something to look forward to as they get older. No different than getting that extra hour before bedtime or being able to play in your room with a friend vs having to play in the playroom where there's more supervision.

Best of luck as you expand your family.

In my experience a preschooler will pitch a fit about many things, but it rarely means you are doing something incorrect as a parent. :)

To a 4-year-old sibling, a 14-year-old is more of an adult than a child. It makes sense there are very different rules for the both.

If the 4 year old wanted to watch an R rated movie with you and your 14 year old at 9 pm would you tell everyone they had to go to bed at 8 because that's when the 4 year old had to go to bed?

ADD: Per your "what happened". The point is - NOTHING. Is she well behaved? Responsible? Respectful? Does her chores, etc.? Than for the love of god, WHY would you change things with her?

Now if there are areas where you agree with your husband and she DOES need more structure, then approach those areas, talk to her like she's an intelligent young woman, but you're still the parent, and make adjustments. Give her some input, because as the child of multiple divorces and several marriages, it would have been nice I'd been considered in any of the massive life-altering events that happened to me. I get that kids don't get to make the big decisions, etc., BUT that doesn't mean their thoughts and feelings should be steamrolled either.

AGAIN - if the ONLY reason that you feel the situation has to be changed is that your husband thinks it's not "FAIR" for a child who is 10 years older than another to have different rules/structure, or even 5 years older than the new kids, you need to talk to HIM, because he is not being rational or realistic.

It sounds to me that SHE is NOTt the one who's making things not "run easier". That is what needs to be dealt with.

ORIGINAL: YOU get to do things that your daughter doesn't because YOU are older. You don't give a 14 year old a beer "because she wants one" just because - she doesn't get it because she's not old enough. Perhaps that example will help your husband get it.

The 4 year old is 4. You don't cave into her. Older kids get to do things that younger kids don't get to do - age matters. How old are all the kids? If you can share that, you may get more suggestions.

If she is 14, and she is onboard with all the things happening, ENGAGE HER in the situation. She's not an adult, but kids aren't clueless. You NEED her help to make things work well.

And your husband doesn't get to force things to "match" up. That is one of the most frustrating things parents can do - when a situation is NOT equal, you don't force it to be equal because it's "hard" when it's not. You don't punish a 14 year old for being 14 because dealing with a whiny 4 year old is "hard".

Don't create problems with the 14 year old by trying to make things "equal" with the other kids. Life isn't like that. Age, responsibility, etc. factor in to rules.

I'm trying to understand the problem. Your 14 year old SHOULD have privileges that the little ones don't have. That is called growing up.

Our daughter is 4 years older than her brother. She got a bike first. He wasn't happy. He wanted a new bike too. I told him when you are the age that your sister is you will get a new bike. Again, its called letting them become independent and grow in their responsibility.

I think perhaps the issue is with step father. You and your husband need to sit down and he needs to understand the role of "older" sibling. Your daughter should get privileges that the little ones don't have yet. She is 14!!

In my opinion, you cannot impose the same rules on the 14 year old as the 4 year old. I am assuming the 14 year old already paid her dues and lived by the strict rules when she was four. All 4 year olds should ask if they can have something to eat, unless there is a specific snack basket that they are allowed to choose from during a certain hour.

I do believe the structure of the house might change a little, because of the 4 year olds, that is to be expected. However, don't make the 14 year old resent the addition to the family.

It is not making two different sets of rules. When the little ones reach the age that they can be responsible, then they will get the same freedoms.

Read your SWH and still don't see why you should do anything different with the 14 year old. If she's making responsible choices that are age appropriate she should be allowed to continue to do so. Your problem appears to be hubby who needs to understand that while something may not be appropriate for a 4 year old it is for a 14 year old.

Guess I'm kind of with everyone else here, I really don't understand the problem. I think you might be projecting your internal feelings about how you will raise these little ones different then her but she's 14 the cookie is pretty well baked. Sounds like she's a good kid. I wouldn't go changing her rules. Certainly she old enough to not eat a yogurt or whatever her go to item is after dinner in front of the little kids. She can wait until close to their bed time. No biggie.

Why would you not allow her to rearrange her furniture etc? She's a teen. It sounds more like you have a discpline issues with your little ones not the 14 year old.

Mother of a nearly 14-year-old girl here. You are rocking her world and yet can still say she's a good kid through it all. So why rock it further with rules that set her up to resent her younger siblings? And when she will only be around for four more years that will pass very quickly, and she's doing fine as things are?

The issue doesn't sound like it's her actions but the reactions of the younger kids. But that's just parenting young kids and putting her on a tighter leash so they don't whine for what she has -- and so they are "on the same page" -- just won't work, and will only make her angry and rebellious when she's done nothing wrong.

Listen to your gut. Your gut is telling you that "it doesn't seem fair to her." It isn't. She does deserve to do more, on her own schedule and her own initiative, than her siblings. Your post seems to indicate you somehow regret how you parented your only child while she was still an only child, since now she has siblings. You couldn't have known back then that you should be prepping her for future siblings 10 years her junior. And you can't re-parent her into a teen who has to unlearn her independence and fit the rest of the household.

You mention that you are fine with life not being fair for the four-year-old, for instance. So what's the issue, then? Should oldest sister have to do without that PB&J from now on to save the hassle of a whining sibling, or can you and your teen both learn to say, "Sally's got to go to (activity) or do her homework now, so she gets to eat now. You eat with mommy and daddy. You can leave the kitchen and go color until your dinnertime."

She absolutely can be expected to have chores, be kind to and supportive of her siblings, help you as asked (but without becoming a babysitter). But those are 14-year-old kinds of responsibilities and appropriate to what the household needs.

It is worrying that your husband does not understand why the rules are different for a kid of 14 and for kids of four and two. Does he really expect her to have the same rules and limitations they do? If he does -- that is going to be a source of real conflict because he doesn't understand parenting a teenager and she will feel that the younger kids drive the whole household and she is expected to bow to their rules, schedules and needs. He needs to understand that she will have her own activities, friends, will need rides to places at times when it's not convenient for the younger kids, will need quiet to get homework done when the younger kids are being noisy, and so much more... Think hard about whether he's fully aware of what parenting a teen means. Giving her the same rules as kids a decade younger will encourage her to rebel.

Here's a great quote on fairness I saw the other day on a teacher's wall:

"Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing, fair is everyone getting what they need in order to be successful." In this case, what's fair is what works for the adults and the family as a whole.

I think changing rules is not "rocking her world." Changing the rules is not a bad thing, it's just a change. Changing the rules does not mean she's done anything wrong, nor is it a bad thing or harmful to her.

You are allowed to change rules as you see fit. You are the parent. This is not about her independence. She will get her "independence" in other ways.

Just tell your daughter -- "The new rule is X. It works out better now that our family is bigger." She can cry or throw a fit, or whatever she does, but she will adjust. Just stick to your guns.

You don't need to overthink this -- you don't need to go back and re-raise her in order to change a few rules in your household. Yes, it's a little more difficult to implement changes than to have the same structure all along, but kids can get used to change pretty quickly, as long as you consistently stick to the new rules.

Don't assume that change will rock her world. It won't. She can handle it. Just do what you need to do for everything to work smoothly with your new family. And congratulations on your growing family!

And p.s. -- I don't think your tropical island/Korea analogy is correct. I think you should view it as moving from one tropical island to a different tropical island.

Kids are pretty adaptable. They can understand concepts such as "that is how we did it when it was just us, but this is how you do it as part of a family." It's no different than expecting a kid to understand that there may be different rules and ways of doing things at home, at school, at camp and at a friends house. Structure is good and certainly won't hurt her. Try having a family meeting and allow her input on the rules and how things are done. She may be more willing to change if she takes some responsibility for the changes.

It is what it is, one of my favorite sayings. You cannot go back and do it differently. You know more now about little kids. She's a teen. Focus on how you want to parent her as a teen. You don't mention any problems with behavior. I suggest you allow her the independence that you prepared her for. Parenting a teen is different than raising a 4 yo. It's reasonable to be more lax with a single child. The environment is different. There have to be more rules for a family of 5 than for a family of 2. And a 14 yo does have more freedom than a 4 yo. I see no problem with your daughter getting food after dinner when she eats the dinner prepared. Actually, if the 4 yo ate his dinner, why can't he have more food?

I think thru the reasons for rules before I make them and i'm willing to change them if they don't work. A 14 yo does have more freedom than a 4 yo. Therefore the rules are different. We also teach children differently based on their age and environment. Your family and home is different now than when you were single. Of course you parent ed differently then than now. It's expected that your older child who was parented differently will have different rules and privilegs than the 4 yo in a larger family.

If you try to be more strict with such things as asking now before making a pb and jam sandwich you risk having a rebellious teen. If you tell her she has to have fewer previleges now when she's earned those privileges earlier I understand being rebellious. Of course rules that affect the whole family will be different. Perhaps she'll have more chores or not be able to have the same amount of money for spending. Making her ask or to say she can't have a snack because you don't want the 5 yo to have that privelegend does not make sense. Does she have to go to bed at the same time? And it goes both ways. Can she keep a messy room because the 5 yo isn't expected to be as neat as she is? We raise the child we have. Our children are different and we do some things differently for each one.

Please know that your daughter has had to make a lot of changes because you're married and have more children. Praise her for what she does. Focus less on making her over. Let her be the child you raised. If you try to redo her life you are telling her she isn't good enough. And it makes no sense she would have the same rules as a 5 yo.

You have the perfect out with the 5 yo. "You cannot do the same as sister because you are 5 and she's 14."

I think I need more information here. Is she disrupting family life somehow? Is there a reason why the little person can't have a pbj at the same time if she/he goes about it the same way and gets it like the older one and puts it away? That sounds more like reteaching to me than preventing it from happening. she's fourteen? you would be doing things differently with a fourteen year old than a four year old anyway, even if she wasn't raised by you while you were single. I think you have to pick your battles and don't undo what was previously done. Just reteach or redirect to the little people as you would if you they were all from the same family. Having a family means change over and over and over again anyway. You sound like you are doing fine, so don't fix it if it ain't broke ...

Perhaps you can separate some issues. For example, give her some freedom when it comes to sleeping at a friend's house, or other privileges that a responsible 14 year old might have.

But, when it comes to things like meal time, maybe you can appeal to her as a growing young woman. She may be babysitting now or will soon, and it's a good time to learn that young kids needs structure, particularly young kids who have been raised in less-than-optimal family situations (since you said they're foster kids, I'm assuming that the kids were removed from their biological parents). They need security, stability and all that a stable loving home can provide. Maybe you can explain to her that the young boys need discipline, structure, and stability. That includes proper meal times, not just a free-for-all from the fridge, and good bed times, etc. Little kids, as part of a new family, will benefit from stability and reasonable rules.

Make her part of the team, now that she's a teen, and help her understand that these two little boys will be her brothers for life and that they need everyone on the same page.

I don't think you have to "re-raise" her, but to now just steer her in a more grown-up way. Sounds like you've done a great job with her. But if, for example, she were to get a job in a day-care center, or become a teacher, or babysit while she's in high school, or become a doctor, she may just not be able to grab a snack whenever, or sit and eat chocolates while the children in her care wait for their designated snack time or the snack their parents have instructed her to give them. That's an important part of growing up.

If she has her own room, with privacy, you could even install one of those mini dorm fridges, since it doesn't sound like she's eating junk and going through cases of soda. Stock it with some juices, yogurt, and fruit and she'll have her freedom but the boys will have their structure.

This is just a normal part of parenting. Older kids have different rules and privileges. The younger ones hate it (even when they are only a few years apart and have been raised together since birth!) so don't beat yourself up about it.
And honestly the food example doesn't sound like a problem to me. If my kids were still hungry after dinner of COURSE they could eat more, regardless of their age. Just teach your four year old how to make a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal or access whatever other healthy choices there are so you're not becoming his personal waitress :-)

What I'm struggling with in this question is that I don't understand why you feel the rules need to change for the 14 year old. If the current rules have worked for her, why do you feel they need to change now?

Even if you now think - gee, maybe I should have had a different rile when she was four, that's water under the bridge.

As for your two little ones (congrats) it's ok to tell them that 4 year olds have different rules than 14 year olds.

All this is to say, I'm not sure what to tell you to change because it sounds like you are doing just fine.

I think it's important to separate issues from non-issues.

First off, there is no rule or assumption that should be made about "only children". I prefer the term "single child" because "only child" implies that there is something missing. There isn't. Families come in so many configurations. There is no specific set of behaviors applicable to single children. Some are independent, some are not, some are selfish, some are not. You could say the same about middle kids and 7th kids… So let's set the labels and assumptions aside.

Next, there's a big difference between choosing what you want for dinner and rearranging the furniture in the room. Of course she should be able to move the furniture around in her room without asking. Other than scratching up the floor or having a young child move a bed close to the window (falling hazard), who cares? Now, a self-serve kitchen? That's another issue. It might be more convenient, and if there is a natural process for choosing a balanced diet, fine…at least on the surface. But any group (family, roommates, classroom, work environment…) requires some sacrifice and cooperation. If your daughter didn't learn to be considerate and cooperative, that's a problem that will haunt her for years. When the dynamics change and the make-up of the family changes, then some cooperation has to be instilled.

So while I don't think you should police her every bite of food, I have to ask you why she is hungry after a sit-down family dinner? What message is it sending about when someone should eat, how late someone should eat, etc.??

But I also think there are different rules for different ages. Toddlers nap, grade school kids take soccer, tweens go to the mall alone, 17 year olds drive….and so on.

Teaching your daughter that she has to be adaptable when the family situation changes is a life skill you need to give her. She will, sooner than you think, go off to college and have one or more roommates, as well as hall mates. She will be sharing a room, a communal bathroom, going to a dining hall, and more. She needs to learn to be accommodating. She needs to be sensitive to others' needs, routines, cultures, maturity levels, and schedules. "I do what I want" is not a workable life philosophy.

So you sit her down. You explain that she's mature enough to make some adaptations. She's a role model. She can defer some of her immediate wants (which are not "needs") and she can do certain things when the little ones aren't looking. She can be patient. She can give up her wants for the greater good.

The little ones can learn that she has privileges because she has more responsibilities too. She does laundry and she sets the table and she babysits them. They do nothing - because they are little. So the rules are different (and teen rules are different from adult rules), and when they grow up, they can do more in increments.

So, your daughter can learn to eat dinner with the family and not just push away what you have cooked because she "feels like" a PBJ later on. What are you teaching her about staying at someone else's house (to reject their meals and help herself??) or helping to prep a family meal and enjoy that?

Does she help with the meals? Does she clean up the group dishes as well as her separate PBJ dishes and utensils? Or does she selfishly leave everything for you because you don't want to give her structure and rules? Big difference. Is she helping to teach the 4 year old that the meals don't miraculously appear, but that the table needs to be set and cleaned up, the leftovers need to be put away, etc.?

There's also a huge difference between asking "before you do ANYTHING" (as you say), and having some decency and consideration for others. If you've given her too much free rein, you've handicapped her for life going forward. If she cannot work in a group, she's absolutely screwed in the workplace and in a marriage and in college. So sit down and figure out some adjustments for each person - and get family therapy if you need to - so you have a workable solution.

Kids often need different parenting styles and different rules, even when all were born into the same family. Fair doesn't always mean Same.

You just have to deal with the kid(s) in front of you at the time, trying to not compare one with another or letting past choices have too much influence on present circumstances.

Sometimes it also means changing how the family operates. Your 14 year old is old enough to be part of the discussion about what needs to happen to suit the emotional and physical needs of the foster children. Bring her into the problem-solving. The main issue for now is dealing with the 4 year old where he is at, and teaching him why he can't have/do everything a 14 year old does.

When you have an age difference like that there will always be friction. The younger ones need to learn that they will get to do more when they get older.

As for changing your daughters habits now I don't see that happening since she is 14. I figure as long as she does what is expected (school, grades, chores, etc.) then why try to change her now. It will only cause fighting, arguing and resentment.

There were things that my SS did (or would do) when my daughter was 4 and he was 16 that drove me nuts, but as they all got older it wasn't so bad. My SD usually did what her little sister was doing with no complaints (they are all about 8 years apart). Now that my SD is 16 she hibernates in her room when she is visiting and her dad or I have to cut off the internet to get her out. It's a teen thing.

Reminds me of when my brother got married. His wife had a preteen from a previous marriage. She had raised her much the same way you describe - my sister in law is very laid back and relaxed and her daughter was a great kid - but used to having a bit more independence than most kids that age. Also a little bit more mature.

My brother and his wife went on to have more kids. My brother is more regimented - he likes routines, regular bedtimes, naptimes, meals, etc. He definitely is the one who is more structured.

So when it came time to raising the younger kids, they were more traditionally raise and had a structured childhood. He had a large part of raising them. My sister in law in still quite relaxed comparatively - allows the kids to do as they please so long as it's reasonable and things get done. All good kids.

Now, my brother ran into a few problems trying to parent his step daughter. She resisted his structured ways - so he ended up being more flexible with her, and respecting that she was used to a certain style of parenting, and he compromised.

It sounds like your husband is the one who wants the rules to be the same across the board. Maybe he is the one who needs to realize that she has had you parent her all this time one way, and that it's been fine to date. No need to completely change things.

In my brother's case, there were some arguments later on as the kids got older (why could she do that... and not us) but that happens even when the kids are all spaced evenly and close together. We give certain kids more freedom than others if they have shown they earn it.

It's always tricky when you change up families a bit and it's great that you're adopting two new little ones - congratulations. I think though that going slowly, patience and modifying (instead of overhauling) will go over better. Good luck!

Maybe time to sit down with her and say, "You haven't done anything wrong, but we need to change a few things" and then allow her some input. When my SD complained about a "baby bedtime" we said "Okay, but when you are hard to get up in the AM, we are all late. If you can be on time for 1 week, we'll give you half an hour". That way we compromised but she understood the reason and it was in her hands. She stayed at 9PM or so for a loong time, since she kept being late. But it took the argument away since she knew what SHE had to do. If it is now important to have a regular dinner time, then you say "we are all going to eat as a family at x time" and then you all do it. Pick and choose what's really something to fuss about and what's not, knowing that she'll be continuing to gain independence in the next few years.

Then other part of it is, if the older kid wants a snack, why restrict that? Tell the 4 yr old that he needs to eat his dinner first. If he is still hungry you or DH could get him an appropriate snack. No need to rein in a 14 yr old for a 4 yr old's habits. My DD is 6 and her sibs are much older. What applies to them does not apply to her because she is 6. Her needs are different. I want to know when she's eaten all the goldfish (and now doesn't want dinner).

Ten years is a big difference and many rules simply won't apply evenly. Why take away things that are working well vs explain to the littles that they'll get their turn, too? When they are 14. My DD doesn't yet wear makeup. Because she's not old enough. Period. Nevermind that SD does. SD is older.

There are totally things that will be different for DD. The world is different, her family is different, she is different. Just because it is different and you learned something doesn't mean you need to backpedal, IMO.

ETA: If the real problem is your DH, then perhaps it's him who needs to sit down and realize that 14 yr olds are like x and 4 yr olds are like y and that your teen is not out of line. I had an xSF come in when my sister was 14 and try to dial back all the rules so that she was treated like a younger child and it just created resentment and rebellion. If your DD is a good kid and a good 14 yr old, then treat her like a good kid and a good 14 yr old. Without specifics it's really hard to understand what your DH is up in arms about.

I don't see any reason why the rules need to change for your 14 year old if things are working as they are. A 4 year old and a 14 year old aren't going to have the same rules. I have one that's about to turn 14 and a 5 year old. They most certainly don't have all the same rules and they know it.
Why is getting something to eat after dinner an issue? If they ate a healthy dinner and eat the snack as opposed to wasting it I wouldn't mind at all. Kids are constantly growing and often need that extra energy and calories to keep growing. If my kids are hungry after dinner they get something to eat.
If the way things are isn't being disruptive (and it doesn't sound like it is) then leave them be.

From this particular example you don't really need her to change. ALTHOUGH, it would not be changing her world to say, "Hey, hunny. I know you used to go get snacks regularly after dinner, but we're not doing that anymore. You need to eat enough at dinner time and then that's it." That will not harm her in any way or destroy her independence. I do things like that all the time with my kids. "Guess what kids. We no longer eat in the car, sorry." or whatever.

And I've NEVER EVER taught the kids that they all get exactly the same stuff and treatment. Nope. Life is unfair. Different kids, different ages, different personalities....overall we're all equally important, but things aren't always equal day-to-day. Sometimes it's not your birthday. Sometimes your sibling has a friend over and you don't. Sometimes this person gets this and that person doesn't. Sometimes you can offer an explanation, and sometimes "Life is unfair" is enough. I can't count how many times I've had to tell my youngest (5), "I know honey, it's hard to be little, but 9 year olds get to do things little kids can't" when she's SO jealous of a thing her big sister is doing.

As for younger two (I'm so impressed you will adopt that's awesome!): Your house your rules. My 4 year olds didn't have many choices. They liked security so I kept the total freedom to very simple things like "Which shirt out of two" not bigger stuff. They grew into the bigger independence over time and that can work for your younger two. You don't have to make your oldest behave just like them. Hubby has another thing coming if he thinks the 4 and 14 year olds can be parented equally.

So...if you were fine with the after dinner snacking all along....and suddenly the 4 year old can't snack after dinner...sounds like it's hubby's choice that snacks after dinner are bad? Or the two of you aren't agreeing?

Figure out WHAT you want the kids actually doing, and enforce. It doesn't have to be the same. And you can change rule for kids at any age. So sometimes things can be the same and sometimes not. The age gap is big enough to use as an excuse. I'd use the phrase "When you're 14 you can do that." A lot personally. :)