Dealing with Loneliness

I'm with ya sister! Since becoming a mom in August 2009, I've lived in three different states, and it SUCKS! I need community. Yesterday I was feeling particularly lonely. I think all the dang rain we've been having hasn't helped...

Anyway, with each new community I try to get in there immediately - go to the library storytimes, find the parks, find the free mommy and me classes and what not, but actually making a connection with someone takes time, time, time, and luck(!) for finding a good match. Someone who is looking for a new friend too, that y'all get along, and the kiddos get along. I think just posting this will help, put it 'out there' that you're looking for help. Something/someone will come along and things will get better. At least that's my hope, anyway.

I just mapped where Plainfield was and its proximity to Princeton. We're a bit far away from each other, or else I'd say let's meet! I'd second someone else's comment about trying meetup.com. I just got onto that when I moved here and have found out about some more opportunities in the area.

My best to you! Hang in there!!!

when you figure it out let me know!! honestly, we are pretty blessed in that my MIL tries to watch the boys for us 1 or 2 nights a month. that is if we can somehow manage to scrape up some extra cash for something to do. and my in-laws will take my toddler one night a week to give me a "break"...which it is a help because on those nights it is just me and the twins, and they are only 9 months old, so I dont have to worry about cooking dinner. But, I really do relate to feeling lonely. I am a SAHM, have been since I was 30 weeks preggo with the twins, so almost a year now. It is so hard sometimes. my husband had to pick up a part time job and does as many odd/yardwork jobs as he can to make ends meet, and sometimes it is a super stretch to make it happen. we just have the van so when hubby goes to work at 3:30 in the afternoon I have no way to go anywhere. the closest park is a little less than a mile walk from our house, but the road has no sidewalks so it really makes me nervous to try to watch my 2 1/2 year old while I push the twins in the stroller. I crave those "adult" times, when I can have a conversation with an adult and have it not be about poop and formula...lol. my closest friend is about a 20 minute drive, not to bad, but seeing as she is 7 months preggo and has a full time job and 2 other kids of her own plus 2 stepdaughters that they have every other week, I only see her rarely. my only socialization is on here and FB...I miss my hubby, I miss my friends...love my kids, wouldnt change a thing about having them...i just crave "mommy alone time"

You are not alone! I know how you feel! Call your old friends! If you need to get out, go to the park with your toddler. Join a ymca. Look up free stuff in your area. Be fearless in approaching your coworkers...

Could you try asking the coworkers that you enjoy spending time with to have their teenagers watch your daughter while you all grab dinner or something? I'm sure your daughter goes to bed pretty early and then the teens can do homework or whatnot. Maybe even you could have them over to your place for a pot luck dinner. This way you're still getting adult interaction, the tweens would probably be happy to play with a 3 y/o and you don't even have to leave the house!

It's hard to find mom's groups and stuff while working during the day, but still look into it. Maybe you could ask your daughter's day care provider if she has any friends she's close to during the day and see if you can't bridge the gap there with that child's parents. Good luck! I'm sure it's hard!

Are there hobby clubs you could join? Like knitting, scrapbooking, cooking or something else you love to do anyways? If there isn't anything like that where you live, perhaps you could start one?

Take your 3 year old to the park and chat up the other moms with kids the same age as yours. It takes time, but making friends through my kids has led me to some really wonderful people.

Join a Bible study! Most churches offer free books or scholarships to those who can't pay and most all of them have childcare.

I went back to school at thelocal college when my son was a year old until he was 3. They had childcare for students for really really cheap. However many hours of classes you took, that's how much childcare hours you were eligible for. So if I took 12 hrs of classes, I was eligible for 12 hrs of childcare. See if your local college offers something similar.

My local library has a Mommy and Me reading time. Ifyou go regularly, you start getting to know the other moms...and even the librarians.

I'm basically in the same boat. I am currently caretaking my Mom who is 94 and in heart failure and currently about 88 lbs. The doctor gave her 6 months to live about 4 months ago. She never took out long term care insurance and of course now doesn't qualify for it. My 2 siblings are deceased and my kids all have kids and jobs, so they can come over for an hour or so every now and then so I can run to the store or other errands but basically I'm home taking care of her. We moved into this house together almost 10 years ago but the deed is in her name and if she would go into a nursing home, the home could force the sale of the house and take all the money left in Mom's accounts at the bank. So I am stuck home taking care of her, until she passes. Or I face homelessness. I am financially tapped out and just this month started taking money from her account to cover living expenses for her and me.

You have a little one, so you could do story time at the library. Look into a Y membership, they have a program to help struggling families. The Y has a daycare for members, so you could do classes for women. As far as your work friends go, tell them you would love to do get together's with them but since you have LO you need a bit of notice. You did mention that your co-workers have teenagers, maybe their kids could babsit so you and that Mom could do something. If one if them suggests stopping for a drink after work, ask them if their teen could watch your little one so you can join them.

That's hard... The only suggestions I have is to find a mom's group. Are you part of a church? Often they have them. It's an easy way to make friends for you and your child. Hang in there!

Right there with you. My 3 older kids are grown and I have the 5 yr old still at home. I am earning my Masters degree online and study while she's in school.

I don't have any friends my age that are not wrapped up in their new bf or work. I don't really go anywhere and when I do, it's grocery shopping or getting the older kids stuff they need before they get their paychecks.

I started taking Zumba classes once a week at $5 a session. I feel great having that hour a week dedicated to just me...for me. When my youngest son moved out I was apprehensive about having to take his sister with me, but she just sat quietly and watched. It wasn't too bad.

I'm still trying to find things that give me joy and are just for me. I have been a mom for almost 25 years and have 13 more years to go before I can buy that shiny Cadillac we all see retired people driving once their kids leave home and go to college...lol.

I like refinishing wood furniture and arts and crafts, but I haven't been able to make the time I want to dedicate to it because of school myself. I do attend church dinners and community social functions from time to time. That seems to help a little. There are cliques there as well, but I latch on to a few of my kids' friend's parents and it seems to help the "wearing underwear to school" feelings.

Hi J.,

When I was newly married and had made some neighborhood friends, or other mothers from the playground or pool, we formed a coffe klatch and met at each other's house at least once a week for coffee, sewing and chat. We brought our kids with us so they had playtime together. So if you can find some neighbors or make some friends with preschool moms, or elsewhere, invite them over to your house for coffee (or tea ;). I started a "Story Hour" at our local library and read to bunches of children every week. Another good way to meet moms with little kids. How about the local gym? "Mommy and Me Yoga" anoyone?
Good luck!
"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA

Working at school can be cliquey (sp.?) but then again I suspect the same for other jobs as well. If you're new, give it time but don't join in on the gossip...just focus on your job and keep it separate from your social life if you have to.

As far as making friends, since your daughter is 3 she's at the age where you can enroll her in a class. Check out your local rec dept., the YMCA, ask other mom's. These programs are often pretty affordable. I'm sure there is one that fits your work schedule (after school) or weekend. These are great places to meet other mom's and make new friends for your daughter as well. Meetup.com is another good one.

Join your local MOMS club. Look up MOMS Club International online. Most of the activities are done with the kids, but several are not. Some chapters even have babysitting co-ops. It is awesome. You will make good friends.
And I hear you about cliques among school staff members, lol. Good luck.
Oh, and it's only like $25 a year.

The Y is a good suggestion. Have you looked on Meetup.com? Try looking for local groups which share some of your interests. My county has a meetup group for moms and we have organized playdates and outings.
If not, try organizing your own meetup group?!
Good luck!

I'm definitely in that boat. I recently became a stay at home mom with my 2nd child (7 months old now). And we're definitely roughing it. I've even convinced my hubby to take his lunch rather than spending $10 every day. I used to buy things, no problem I said. But now, forget about it. I can't even go into stores without feeling deprived. It is lonely out there and there are a lot of clicks that seem to be impenetrable. I have 1 really good friend that I can count on and I'm just getting to know a couple of other ladies through my daughters activities. But let me tell you, finding a good friend is extremely hard to come by. You just have to put yourself out there and see what happens. Try finding people in your neighborhood. Where do you live? Or try registering your child in some library programs or even go to Barnes & Noble story time with your little one to meet new people. I find that I often have to initiate conversations and offer to get together for play dates. Most people don't reciprocate, but don't let that discourage you. Good luck with it.

I'm in the same boat as you. I feel extremely lonely most days, none of my friends have had kids yet and they used to invite me out all the time but they got tired of me turning them down. The invitations and phone calls have slowly dwindled. We're going to a group starting next week called mom2mom and i'm pretty excited. The kids go in their own room and have their own activities while the moms get together and have a lecture/discussion group and refreshments. Maybe try looking to see if there's some kind of moms group or playgroup you could go to? I'm sorry you're going through this too--motherhood can be extremely isolating

Find free stuff to do in your area. Check out the libraries, museums, art galleries, colleges often have theatrical productions for little money. Even your town's city hall may offer some shows, programs, etc for free for the community. Local churches are great places to meet people and socialize. My pastor actually lives in your town but pastor's the United Methodist Church in Orange. We have tons of activites and all ages of children are welcomed. I'm certain there are tons of churches near you with all kinds of programs and activities going on and some of them may have little cost or even be free.

Loneliness is a choice. Trust me I know because as a product of my depression, loneliness used to be my best friend until I grew weary of it and decided and determined to be more engaging and get out the house. Where there is a will there is a way. Not every group and activity costs money. There are loads of free things everywhere.