Dealing with Divorce

Have him work with a counselor who is experienced with children. Its better to deal with the fears he has sooner rather then later. Also have a meeting with them on how to bring it up to you kids.

Best wishes!

I divorced when my son was three and children do know a lot more then you think. He can tell me that he knows daddy and I separated because we fought all the time. He understands that mommy lives in her house and daddy lives in his and he has the opportunity to live at both. He is a really smart little boy and very in touch with his feelings. Before a divorce can be final in UT we are required to take a half day class on the effects on the children. It is an excellent class and many of the professors that lead the class have been divorced with children so you know they are not just spouting off. The divorce will be h*** o* everyone. Things happen all throughout life that are very traumatic. The children can be taught to start dealing with this at a young age just by watching you. Everyone will need strength through this trying time and they start by watching you. So many things will happen that you are not prepared for and if you can overcome them without a second thought this will be a really great start for them. So many people say that children are going to end up with so many issues but I do believe that 99% of the issues are brought on by selfish parents. The separation of the family unit is very unfortunate but if the parents can overcome the problems that they have for one another then so many of the childs' milestones can still be shared. I tell my X all about any school functions that are going on, I share report cards, and I try to share any other milestones that are important. All of this is very important to my son and to see him happy makes me happy. My son says, "Sometimes I hang with you and sometimes I hang with dad and that is alright!" He is six now and very well adjusted.

I made him a special toybox for dad's house. He took some of his special blankets and pictures over there also. He has a dresser with some of his clothes over there also. We try to go the extra mile to make it as less stressful on him because it is not his fault!

My parents divorced when I was about 4, honestly I don't ever remember them being together at all. It shouldn't be too much of an affecting factor as long as you both agree to get along for the sake of the children. Whenever my parents fought about me it was always very upsetting. As long as neither of you play the game of who gives the best presents and who is nicer, you should have no problems with your children through the divorce as long as you don't put it on show in front of them. If you have problems with each other, don't let your children know about it as that will upset them and more than likely leave more lasting damage than the divorce itself.

I was 4 when my parents divorced - I can tell you now that it is of the utmost importance that you and your husband work together when it comes to the kids. Make sure that they understand how much you love them and that you have love for your soon to be ex but that the two of you just don't get along well. Just be honest and make it a point to NEVER fight in front of the kids and NEVER bad mouth each other to the kids. I know that I'm making it seem so simple (obviously, it's not) but it's very important - kids can come through divorce with little to no damage but it's all in how the parents handle things. Even if your soon to be ex isn't good about being cordial, just smile and bite your tongue and remind yourself that you're being civil for the sake of your kids. Best of luck.

Hi R.,

First realize no matter how often you tell your son the divorce was not his fault, children are self centered (developmentally), and will think they did something to cause the divorce. You will see acting out and behavioral differences from your son as he tries to deal with his feelings too.

I suggest you be firm, but loving with the behavioral issues that do pop-up. Rules and limits are a blanket you put around your child that makes them feel safe & loved, so even if you want to let things slide since it's a rough time for all of you, don't.

Additionally, if you can try to create a parenting plan with your soon to be ex, so that when your chidren are at either house, the rules will be the same.

Lastly, while I'm sure you know this, do not fight infront of your children. It will be hard, but try to leave arguments for times your children are not around.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope it is an "easy" divorce.

R. Magby

My daughter was 5 when her dad and I separated, and eventually divorced. Her dad & I sat down with her TOGETHER and explained that, although we both loved her more than anything, we didn't love each other and that daddy was going to move out. We both reassured her that she would get to see her daddy any time she wanted. He needs her just as much as she needs him. We filed for "joint legal custody". I have physical custody of our daughter, but he can see her any time he wants to. There is no set schedule, there are no specific times, holidays or whatever. This works out best for our daughter and there are no disagreements.

What you can do to help him thru this is be sure that both you and your soon-to-be-ex-husband talk to him together. That way you are both there for answering questions and offering support. Be honest, but never put down the other person. Do the best you can to remain friends with your ex. My ex and I talk almost daily because our daughter is that important to us. Her health, well-being and happiness is a priority over everything.

Good luck to you. If you need to vent, feel free to email me at ____@____.com.

My parents divorced when I was at the age of about 4, I guess. If I could call it, I do wish my dad had a bit more to do with us, rather than just walk out. That is if I could call it. Since I couldn't and he didn't, I am glad my mother spent all of her spare time with us rather than going out with the girls. You will need your time too, but try not to make it all of the time.

As I'm sure one of the posters here is a very well intentioned parent, NEVER lie to your kids about what's going on. They learn trust early and lose it quickly and by telling your child daddy is on vacation not only insults their intelligence, but when he finds out you lied, undermines your credibility.

If you aren't sure what's going on, simply let the child know you don't know. That you and daddy are sad right now. That you love them both. That everything's going to be ok.

That is TRULY all they want to know...will I be safe, will I be loved.

The rest of the details will work themselves out in time.

I am sending good thoughts your way.

My daughter was 4 when her dad and I split up. I talked to her. Assured her that her father and I still love her. I explained that mommy and daddy really don't get along much anymore and that we will be better parents to her being apart. I also explained to her that we didn't want her to grow up unhappy because her dad and I were always mad at each other. Other than that, all you can do really, is answer his questions to the best of your ability and keep reassuring him that you and his daddy will always be there for him and love him to pieces. My ex and I have never put our daughter in the middle of our disagreements... She's never been used as "leverage" and she gets equal time with both of us.

Good luck!

First off I 'm not sure I would unload that on him at his age... I would make excusses like daddy is on vacation and so on until you feel your child can understand fully what is going on.. Right now it sounds like your trying to find out whats going on... Just remember dont get too down and dirty if you dont have too because one way or another you will both have to see each other at some point to pass the kids back and forth.....But my suggestion is to make excusses until things are final and settled down.. You want to make sure that your child doesnt feel at fault.. When they are young this can often happen causing behavioral problems and depression.. Good luck to you let me know if you need any other advice or just an ear...