Divorce and Kids - Gilbert,AZ

Don't give them too many details, only things that they can understand, above all, TELL THEM WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THEM. Let them know that they will have two rooms, two houses to go to, and that Mommy & Daddy still love them both no matter what happens. Tell them the good things about it.

Believe it or not, I went through this as a child, and again as an adult, and it wasn't that hard when I was a child. It has been harder as an adult!! Kids are very adaptable, but they need things explained to them in a way that they can understand it without the drama & unnecessary details.

... first of all, hugs to you. This is a real hard thing.

One useful "advice" is: when a family friend got divorced.. .she said that the MOST helpful thing she did for her kids, was that she got counseling/Therapy for them. As a new single Mom, the Therapist helped them immensely... to help her kids overcome any issues... and emotional/behavioral problems and for helping her cope.
The thing is, as parents, we don't have all the "skills" to manage all these insurmountable child issues... and she said the counselor REALLY helped her kids, get through it, successfully. And WITHOUT "blaming" themselves or the emotional "loss" they go through.
She said, it was such a valuable thing, she did for them. And her children were therefore better able to navigate through all their difficult feelings about it, in a healthy way, for their well-being.

For her kids, they had counseling/Therapy for about 2 years...

ALL the best,
Susan

I have three kids and they have been through a divorce either once or twice. I got my first divorce when the children were 12 and 8. I just explained to them that it was something that I had to do and not something I wanted to do. My daughter was fine and my son asked if they were ever going to get to see their dad. I explained that their dad was always going to be their dad and I would never get in the middle of that relationship. They went to visit their dad a lot until he got married. The step-mother did not want my kids around and their dad did not stand up for them. I think that this was harder on the kids then the divorce. My youngest son was 4 when I divorced his father. He was always very good with his words and asked me lots of questions. I answered his questions very thoroughly but at his maturity level. He did not have a problem with that. He came up to me a few months ago and claimed that he knew why his dad and I separated. He told me that it was because we were always fighting. I think most kids are aware of the reason that there was a separation but it is hard for them to grasp a concept. I told my young son that he would have two houses to go to and two rooms and two toy boxes. I never made it seem like it was going to be complicated for him. In the state of UT the parents have to go through a divorce education class. This is mostly regarding the children and the issues that they may have. It was very helpful!!

As a child of divorce (I was 10), I don't know if there's a really good way to do it. Be honest, reassuring, etc. Perhaps the library has books for you and/or for kids in this situation. All I can say is, if you get along at least a little, do your best to be civil for the kids' sake. It makes ALL the difference. I never felt like the divorce was my fault, thank goodness, but I know a lot of kids run into this. If you can both live in or near the same school district, please do that. If you must relocate, dont do it during the school year - my mom did that to me in 2 divorces, and it's horrible.

If you can't work stuff like this out yourselves, get a mediator - they work for the best possible situation and are not "his side/her side" oriented like an attorney would be.

Good luck and take care.

When I was getting divorced I simply explained that sometimes mommys and daddys can not live together, but that they still love each other and they still love their kids.

I know that I am answering late it seems. I am a divorced mom of three kids. The first time we separated (for 3 months), we had 2 kids 4 and 2. We sat down all of us together and their dad told them that we were going to live in separate houses because we foght too much. I let him do most of the talking but was there to clarify things I thought he was leaving out (why it was happening, could they visit him, etc.) The second time we separated ( led to divorce) was a year after we moved back together. Now with 3 kids, my baby only 3 months old, we again sat down together and I made sure that he explained that he was in love with his girlfriend (the original reason for separation #1 but I didn't know it at the time) and we both didn't want to be married to each other any more. It has been 6 years and I have since had more thorough talks with my kids (especially the oldest 2) and answered new questions. It seems like every year there are more in depth questions. The one thing that I struggled with is not being negative towards my ex around my kids. I wanted them to know my side of the story (your new sister was born while daddy was still married to mommy, etc.) but I also don't want them to see their dad as a bad human being (not defending him) - I want them to have their own feelings about what he did to our family and not my feelings that they have absorbed. It is in my situation a one way battle - he has no problem bad mouthing me around and in front of our kids - but I will stay vigilant. Be the most positive person you can be and look at this new time as an adventure ( a very suckish one at first) and a chance to move in a new direction. My prayers are with you and your kids. I hope you have a support system and counseling is the best thing you can do. Don't hold in your feelings, they will just fester and explode at the least expected time. God bless.

Many responders may take for granted that your husband may have been a bad husband and father. BUT everyone's circumstances are different AND it probably needs to be individualized to the age of the child too. This could weigh on them for a lifetime and you need to know skills to try not to complain about him until the end of time. The 7 year old has probably already formed an opinion about your relationship, who's the bad guy and the good guy, who is the strong and the weak, etc.

So, II strongly urge you to get a counselor to guide you for now and for down the road. If you only knew how many guys I've talked to that are in their 50's and still carrying scars from not knowing enough or their father's dropping out of their kids lives. Not good unless the guy is a real bad person that can't act mature and loving around them.

Lastly, try to delve into why you picked this guy, why it didn't work between you, and how to make a better choice next time foro you and your family. Before you marry again.

i'm sorry. this is a hard situation for your family. being as honest as you can is the best. finding simple books that show kids living in different houses at different times. if your child has friends or family that has been through divorce, you can use them in your description. your 7 year old will most likely ask why, your 3 year old will be fine as long as they get attention from both parents. try to work with your ex husband to come up with an answer for your 7 year old that you both feel good about so your stories match and in simplistic terms. telling the 7 year old that mom and dad are not getting along and need some time away from each other is a good start. making sure that you remind your kids that this is a parent problem, not a kid problem and they will see mom and dad just as much as they did before. always remind your kids that you love them no matter what and that you and dad will always be there parents no matter what.
good luck and be honest. counseling is always a benefit too...

I as well am a child who came from a divorced family and although I know there are ways that really should not be used to tell your children I'm not sure there are "good" ways to tell them either. I recommend the book "Generation EX" it's about children of divorce...great book!

I just read your post. You are very brave for being willing and able to upfront and honest with your children about the pending divorce.

Unfortunately it will scar you children, just as it did my and my sister. Counseling in important and will help but there are just some things that ripple through your life.

The good news is that scars can build character. Always work on the character building in your children.

While the circumstances of your divorce are different than my mom's and dad's divorce. It still had an impact on me growing up. I'm in my 40's now and newly married for the first time and I'm realizing I don't even really know what it is like having a man in the house all the time and how to deal with that. Weird, the first time I even had that thought but my husband is very supportive and loving and that really helps.

I waited so long to get married because I was waiting for the kind of man I thought would be loving, supportive and faithful to me. So far so good.

Trust me counseling helps.