Custody of Nephew Questions

C.,
First of all, bravo to you for taking in your nephew! I want to reiterate what the others have said - please seek counseling for yourself, your nephew and your family, it will be essential to the well being of all of you. I assume that you would not consider turning him over to the state or to anyone else, so based on this I have a suggestion. Give yourself a time line to feel all of the negative feeling that you are having, because they are valid and understandable. Maybe it is two more weeks, maybe three, but pick a day that it will all change and stick to it. Until that day, acknowledge your feeling of frustration, fear, resentment, guilt. Then on that chosen day make a decision to let it all go and completely embrace your new life with total acceptance. Write down all of your negative feelings and put them in a bowl and burn them as a symbol. Then on that day forward, love your nephew as your own child. Just giving him shelter and food is not enough. Show him more love, acceptance, and kindness than anyone deserves. It is your only choice if you want to have a happy life for yourself and your family. Accept your new life and situation with joy and open arms. If anything do it for yourself, because guilt is an awful and powerful burden to bear. Most people go through life wondering what their purpose is….seeking a way to contribute the greater good, to make a difference in the world that is meaningful and tangible. Your answer to these questions just fell in your lap. You have an opportunity here that most people don’t get. You can take a child who is rejected, confused and abandoned and completely change his life. When you do this, it will be the greatest gift you have ever given. You will be a role model to him, to your son, to others in your family, to your friends, and to anyone who knows of your situation. Your steadfast commitment to accepting and loving him will have far reaching affects. When he grows to an adult and is kind and wonderful, is successful, full of self confidence, able to have a healthy loving family of his own, let this be because of you, and the love you have given him. Do what ever you can to achieve this, read books, seek counsel, read online, pray. One place to start would be http://www.attachmentparenting.org/ or other recourses on “attachment parenting.” I am sure there is plenty of info out there on adopting an older child. They will have good information on bonding and how to help heal your nephew’s wounds and create a healthy relationship between you and him and the rest of your family. Make choices in your life now, so that on your deathbed, you are free of guilt and regret, but rather have a heart full of contentment, joy, accomplishment, and gratitude.

Dear C., WHile I have not experienced what you have gone through, I know what it is like not to have a caring birth mother. I am sure it must be hard for you to go through this life change. This little boy was given to you to challenge yourself and to help him receive what he could not get from his birth mother. You are a warm loving person for caring enough to write and seek answers. You can be a blessing in this little child's life.
GL. Keep us posted.

I haven't been in this exact situation but used to work in foster care a lot. I think what everyone is feeling is perfectly normal. I definitely agree that therapy would be appropriate and perhaps also for any other members of the family like your son. In other aspects to help you can try to have as much consistency as possible, in your daily activities but also in response to your nephew and your son. Try to be the same across the board, I think therapy will help with this as well. Try to keep a routine in eating, sleeping and everything in between. Keep in mind that you have to mourn, so does your nephew, trying to hide your emotions will only make them stronger and they will come out in negative ways. Try some crafts or projects to remember his father, are they all positive memories, it is okay to remember the bad things too - it doesn't all have to be happy and full of roses. Many churches offer free counseling and will also offer some consistency and support should you join. Good luck and know that it will get easier with time.

Maybe you feel like you were trapped into taking your nephew in. I know I would more than open my arms and heart to any of my nephews. You need to find someone to talk to and work the issues out.

We had a situation, but w/o death involved- we got amazing help from YokaReeder.com
Have you told him? Talk to him- he must be also mourning his dad- and you mourning your brother- have you talked about it?
Have you talked about how scared he must be- and told him you also are scared? You never had a 10 yr old boy before- it is all new.
He knows he isn't your son- and he needs to have a place there-
Really talk talk talk to him- I cannot imagine doing this with all the sadness- but I do know talking is the best answer.
Then he knows you are struggling, as he is, and then he can talk about it.
Think back to when you were ten- I know I remember- so I think it is important not to "do things about him", but let him be part of it- I hate the word- but it could help"empower" him after losing so much.
I think you have a good heart, and I wish you the best, k

I am sorry for the stress that you are under right now.

I would like for you to try to put yourself in your nephews shoes. Try really hard to think and feel what he is going through. He might be feeling sad, lonely, depressed, scared and so on. I know that he is there with you and your family but if you do not welcome him with open arms and show his so much LOVE then he is going to feel worse.

Us (as adults) are used to handling stress and pain. But for a 10 year old boy, they do not know how to handle this.

Take one day at a time. Talk alot together. Make him feel welcome and loved or ask another family member to take him in.

I could not even try to think of the pain of being a 10 year old child with no parents and feeling lost in this big world.

This will make him grow up so fast and he will lose what is left of his childhood. You had no control over what he had to go threw for the first 10 years of his life , but if in your heart you truly want to be there for him -- you and your family can have control over the next 10 years of his life and make it something that he will never forget and always feel thankful to you for taking good care of him.

What he needs right now is lots of LOVE, and lots of GOOD MEMORIES.

The question is "What do you think you would want and need if you were in his shoes today"?

I will pray for you ALL.
GOD bless this child in need.
GOD bless you and your family.

Chirstine,

Wow! Not to you rudely, but wow to you and your nephew's situation. First, I want to say that your "about me" is way more telling than your questions. God bless your nephew! His daddy died and his mother wants nothing to do with him. All he has left is you and your family. Second, I have never been through this, but I am thinking how you feel is normal... but you really need to seek counceling. You do not want to destroy his sense of everything it means to be a boy and child because of these feelings. With that in mind, it looks like you have recognized that already, but maybe need a confirmation that you need to both seek counceling. Thirdly, he has so many issues to work through, so maybe a bit of normalancy will help his adjustment. Things like this are not easy on either individuals in the family structure, but I hope and pray that you will feel a bit more accepting of your new role.

Good luck and God bless to you and your family.

Please seek counseling. The passing of a close family member should encourage counseling, and this life change would be even more reason for it. Seeing a counselor is not a sign of weakness, but more of a learning process. Your not alone, you are not the only person who has felt this, but you do need to learn to cope, for your nephew's sake. Please don't let this continue. The effects of this on your nephew in the long run are not worth ignoring the issue. Good luck!

This 10 yr old boy just lost his father and has no mother. Think of how he feels. What he needs now is love, compassion and praise. Please try your best not to be stand-offish, you are the one responsible for his upbringing and wouldn't you want him to grow up as a well rounded individual? I know you feel you do not love him the same as your own son, but it is entirely up to you to raise him the best you can. I pray you have ability and strength to do the right thing and not make him feel unwanted.

LOVE is the key! You have to look at the situation from the eyes of the child who has lost a father and mother but both in different ways. That child needs to know it is NOT his fault and that someone loves him. My oldest sister has custody of my middle sisters daugther which was taken away by the state for neglect. My oldest sister has 2 daugther of her own so the adjustment has had its up and downs. They understand why there cousin is there and they expect it. Your nephew will most likely need HELP professional to help him deal with some issues that you cant help him with. BUT like I said he needs to know he is LOVED and it is not his fault. I would suggest that you find some place out that offers help to you and your family in this time of transitions. Try the state system or ask your churuch if they know of any avenues. I will pray for you and your family and know that GOD has given you a gift that he KNOWS you can handle. One day you will be able to look back and see the accomplishments that your hephew has made and the success he is will be based on values and lessson you taught him. Love him, guide him, protect him and cherish him!

Hi C., Although I have no experience with this situation, I just wanted to offer you my support. I can't imagine how hard of a transition this must be for yourself and your family. Please look into any local resources that offer professional counseling and guidance to help you through this journey. We are not perfect and do not always have the tools needed for such a serious situation. I commend you for your effort and your honesty and hope you continue to reach out and find the help you and your nephew need to blend your family together as a peaceful unit. You can do this, but not alone. God Bless.
- L.

i have not gone through this but i have an idea on the matter i hope this helps i think that maybe the reason you are standoffish with him and your afraid to let him in is because you see alot of your brother in him and it reminds you that he has passed therfor it is hard to get close to him and as for him not eating so well and wetting the bed he may be having issues of his own about his dads passing and that may have effected him physicaly. what i think you should do is talk to him tell him how your feeling about the situation and how it's affecting you then maybe he will realize that he's not the only one going through this. hopefully after you do this things will get better. i hope this helps.

A. C.

Ditto what Leah said.

I think having some frustration due to this being thrust upon you is completely understandable. Sure you feel guilty about those "selfish" thoughts... but I don't think there is one 'normal' person who wouldn't have them at some point during the process. The key is to seek guidance and counsel about how to deal with those feelings. Please don't wait. Perhaps your nephew could use some as well? Losing a parent alone would be enough to suggest counseling for him, but not having another parent to rely on, and certainly he is self-concious of making any comment to you or your husband that might upset you... he should have a "neutral" party to be able to talk with as well.
God Bless you for stepping up.

Counseling is a MUST for your family. This is a HUGE change and the arrangement could end up impairing him more then he already is if you ignore it and don't get professional help. He is going into adolescense soon. Don't wait!

I'm not in your situation, but I think that just by being the good person that you obviously are, things will work out for you....Don't worry until you have to!! He is so blessed to have someone like you, you have a big heart, don't change....