Husband Wants Divorce, and the Reason Sucks!

Updated on January 30, 2009
C.E. asks from Las Cruces, NM
30 answers

My husband and I have been together for 10yrs. and married for almost 7. He reacently told me he wants a divorce and his reason is because when he lookes at me he blames me for our 4yr. olds death. Our son drowned in 2006 while he was at work. He says he hasnt been in love with me for atleast a year and a half now and he just asked for the divorce amonth ago. Not sure where to go from here,head is spinning wondering what went wrong when I thought everything was going fine because he wasnt saying otherwise.

What can I do next?

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A.H.

answers from Phoenix on

I'm so sorry. You're right. It sucks. The divorce rate is exceptionally high in families that lose a child. Find a support group, like Compassionate Friends, or something similar. You'll need people around you who support you.

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K.H.

answers from Albuquerque on

I'm so sorry about your first son's death.
I'm sure you're still going through a lot and it must be very trying, as you have to hold yourself together to continue to be a Mommy to your second son.

I can't judge your husband, as I have no idea how it must feel to either one of you to have lost a child. The thing that he seems to be forgetting though, is that he also has another child, who is still with you and needs both of his parents very much.

There's no real way to accept any type of death, let alone that of your own child - and it's so rarely spoken about, that I don't think anyone knows exactly what steps to take in order to be able to continue on with an emotionally healthy life.
That said, I think that you need some type of therapy in order to bring everything forward so that you're as comfortable as possible with any pain you'll feel.

You can definitely talk to your husband and let him know that you still love him. Him blaming you could be a combination of releasing his hurt and rage over the loss.
Maybe he has to make himself believe that, in order not to blame himself. It's horrible for you to have to deal with, on top of everything else, regardless.

You have to stay strong, because you still have yourself and your 2 year old baby boy. He'll be needing you more than ever. If you're able, talk to your family back in Ohio and see if they're able to take you in for a period of time. You'll need someone to lean on, and someone to trust to care for your 2 year old when you need to grieve by yourself.

There isn't a single thing that I can say to you to make this easier - it's in the hands of both you and your husband... and in order to work "together", you both have to be into it.
The hardest thing about relationships is realizing that you've no control over anyone's thoughts, feelings or actions, but your own. That's when we accept the things that we can't change, and become stronger in ourselves.

I wish you the very best, and again... I am so sorry that you're going through all of this.

You'll be in my prayer...

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R.R.

answers from Yuma on

Oh Cassandra, I am so very sorry that you are going through such a terrible time right now. Just know this, things will get better. You have to focus on being as positive as you can for your own mental health as well as your son's. I think you know and maybe you already have tried counseling but your husband has to go as well.

The first thing you need to share with him is that by you not being around him isn't going to take away the pain he feels. The only thing that will take that away is time and healing. The first and biggest step in his healing is him forgiving you and forgiving himself for not being there that day. He will cut so much weight off of himself when he does this and believes it.

You, my dear, must also forgive yourself. The "what if" monster can be a constant companion if you let it. You need to fight for your marriage and battle in prayer for your hurting husband. Don't let up in prayer. Get into a good church and get people to surround you and pray with you. There is power in numbers. This is a tough time but all things are possible with God. My husband wanted a divorce a couple of years ago and I battled in prayer and our marriage is stronger than ever. I had good reason to leave him but I didn't think about my hurts, I put our four children first and battled.

All I can say is get understanding through church councel or go and pay for counceling but you both need to go together. I will pray for you both and especially that your husband will agree to go and put this divorce idea off. Do not speak negative around him or out loud about your marriage. Only speak and think the very best. It will begin repairing things, trust me.

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C.R.

answers from Las Cruces on

I am so sorry to hear about your son's death. Losing a child puts an incredible strain on individuals and on the relationship. I have to echo others who have responded about the importance of counseling. Some friends lost their son to meningitis in April and counseling and the group Compassionate Friends have helped them grieve together. Unfortunately, we do not have an active Compassionate Friends group in Las Cruces, but we do have WONDERFUL grief counseling available at Mesilla Valley Hospice and a conference coming up next week for people dealing with grief and loss. You can call Mesilla Valley Hospice Center for Grief Services at ###-###-#### for more info on the conference or the counseling services.

I also have a friend (grandmother of the boy mentioned above) who wants to start a Compassionate Friends group in LC. If you are interested in that or just need support, you can contact me at [email protected]____.com I also have a two year old son. All of his friends are girls and he would love to have a little boy to play with. :)

I have to agree with others that whether you and your husband end up staying together, doing some counseling will help to deal with some issues. Divorce isn't going to make the pain go away and letting things fester will only make things worse for all of you - especially your youngest son.

Take care, my prayers are with you.

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C.S.

answers from Phoenix on

C., Im really sorry to hear this and it does suck. I lost my little girl 4 years ago to downing. I was on the other end of the stick. I was at the store when my boyfriend (now husband) and whole family was to be watching her when she went in. But when I got home I noticed she wasn't playing with the other kids and that's when I found her in the pool.

Your husband can't blame you. So many times I wanted to blame everyone especially him but I learned that blame isn't going to bring her back and it isn't going to make my pain easier. I love my husband very much and my daughter loved him. Your husband hasn't dealt with your son's death and until he does he's going to find reason's to not deal with it.

My mother was very close to my daughter and she still hasn't dealt with it. We fight over it all the time. She doesn't want me to talk about my daughter and I keep telling her the pain is easier to deal with when I talk about her and I need to keep my daughter alive in my memories.

I joined a grief group 9 months after the accident through our local church (one I never attended) for 6 months. It was that group that helped me cope with my mother, my anger, and my loss. They taught me not to blame no matter how bad I wanted to. I didn't want to go to counceling like your husband because I didn't want some doctor telling me how to feel when they never felt my pain. So that's why I joined the grief group. The people where of all kinds; mothers who lost their children, husband who lost wives, children losing their parents. I needed to be surrounded by people who felt my hurt & my pain. I still talk to most of the people from my group.

I know your husband is hurting but the pain your feeling as a mother and to the person it happened to is unbareable. If you want to talk more please email me [email protected]____.com I would love to help support you & your husband.

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K.S.

answers from Phoenix on

OH KAAAY...I agree that the reason sucks. However, I understand that the death of a child, either by accident or by illness is a main reason for couples to split up. I don't agree that it's the best solution though. I'm no professional, but I feel that you need to try and fight for your marriage for your younger son's sake. Perhaps if you present it to him with that emphasis, he'll give it a try. Don't punish the younger son for the loss of an older brother--he's bound to feel the loss of him, as well, and losing his Dad will be just too much in my humble opinion. You need to go to Counseling before you call i quits, and I'm not talking for a week or two then give it up. You need to get counseling for a long while. It sounds like he has never dealt with your older son's death. I know finger pointing does no good in these situations, and in retrospect you are both going over and over that horrible day in your minds, and playing the "If you had" game. It does no good. As sad as it is, your older son is in a better place, with his Heavenly Father, but your youngest son is here, and desperately needs BOTH parents. I wish you luck and will pray for you dear. Hugs, Kat

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K.M.

answers from Albuquerque on

In as much as you may not want to hear this, you cannot make another person make a good choice. Whatever else is going on, I'd take care now to protect yourself and your 2 year old child. Talk to a lawyer, and do it now. The best two divorce attornies in Albuquerque are Bobbie Batey and Gretchen Walther. Both have consultation fees, but are worth the money if you have to have a lawyer. Think about why you are here and what you would need to do to get the best support for yourself and your child if you do have to follow through. If that means you and your child return to Ohio, then get yourself ready legally to fight for that.

I am really sorry you are in this position. I hope that God will put something into your husband's heart to make him look at what he has and re-evaluate. On the off chance this is God's path for you and your son, make smart decisions starting now for it. Good luck.

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H.K.

answers from Phoenix on

"...the reason sucks..."
WOW! Frankly I am shocked.
No asking for a divorce because of a "mid-life crisis" or because "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" sucks but to ask for a divorce because he has been silently haunted, mourning and suffering for several years while you thought everything was going fine?

Perhaps it is that very disconnect and blindness to his emotional needs that has caused this horrible turn of events.

I can't imagine your pain...but put yourself in his shoes. He will never understand what went on around and preceeding your sons death and a part of him will always blame you. If you have not sought professional counseling for that yet perhaps there is still time.

He was at work. Part of him must feel horrible for not being there somehow to prevent this tragedy (however irrational that is). Men are our providers and protectors. Surely he feels that he failed in someway as well by not stopping this from happening. In order to not feel that he may have to turn the rage and blame on you. He sounds like he needs some professional intervention and you need some as well. Your lack of empathy and blindness to where this is coming from is astonishing.

My best friend's little girl died 3 months ago because of a series of mistakes made by her husband one terrible afternoon while he was in charge of the children. Of course she blames him, some part of her has to, but he understands that and is at least willing to honor that pain until it subsides.

There may still be time to salvage this if you can get into some professional help. I am so sorry for your loss, it goes withoout saying that you have suffered terribly, but don't underestimate how much your man has suffered just because he doesn't verbalize it.

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C.L.

answers from Tucson on

C.,

Losing a child is incredibly hard on a marriage, I know first hand, I too lost a son a little over 4 years ago. Fortunately, my husband and I have our faith, a great support system and we turned to each other for comfort and didn't play the "blame game". There a a lot of great books out there as well as biblical scriptures to aid in the grieving process, but it still is a hurt beyond words. I would suggest that you and your husband rent the movie "Fireproof", it is a fantastic movie that just came out yesterday (1/27/09)and I would highly recommend it to every married couple, what a great movie! Also, I would encourage you to put your current son in swim lessons. I highly recommend ISR (ISR.com) it is a terrific, sometimes grueling for you and your child, swim course, but well worth the energy and money it cost. We put our daughter in it last summer and will take her for refresher courses this Spring, but it can help save lives the more people know about it. There are wonderful instructors here in Tucson. If you would ever like to talk more with someone who truly knows the kind of pain you are in, please feel free to contact me. My heart and prayers go out to you and please go rent or buy the movie "Fireproof", it can change your life and hopefully help save your marriage. ~C.

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A.B.

answers from Phoenix on

Try going to counseling. It's probably that he blames himself also or he is still grieving.You can either get stronger and be each others best friends or....try talking to him also maybe that will help. Not the blame game(it's all your fault) keep it to the point. This is how you feel this is how he feels. What can you do about it together? It happened to both of you both of you have memories you guys need to get through it together.

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G.D.

answers from Flagstaff on

That's really hard. I'd hope that since your son's death you have seen a counselor. It sounds like you've been committed and your husband has not.
It's really important that he goes. You can't make him so it's out of your control. There's not much you can do to save your marriage unless you can both move past this tragedy together.
You'll have to put your choices to move to NM behind you because that is irrelevant. If he decides he does not want to go to counseling to save the marriage, I'd suggest moving forward with the divorce in a mature manner, taking care of yourself and your other child.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, yet know that it will pass.

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P.M.

answers from Phoenix on

Hello. I wish I could say u had a good day. My advice to you is.. Before any papers are filed or signed make sure you & your husband have attempted to resolve the
matter. Try counseling. Pretty muvh he is blaming you for the death of your child. That's not fair for you or for him. Try, try everything you can to make it work. But, remember it needs to be both ways. The hardest thing is you were thinking everything was ok. That's the hardest think to get over. Him not teling you & keeping it inside has build up to so much. Ask him of he still loves you? If so, keep your marriage together. If he says no, then you will need all the strength & power to move foward. You will fell good knowing you tried everrthing to save your marriage. But, I think maybe both of you should of gone to counseling ( if u haven't ) when the death of your child happen... which may I add... I'm sorry for your lost. Both of you could work this out... but together. Well, hope this helped a little. The Biggest help is praying. I'm a firm believer. Plus, if you guys are ment to be your little angel will make it happen. Be strong in the mean time for what could happen next. I'll be praying for you. Best of luck!

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M.B.

answers from Phoenix on

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son! Your husband is just hurt and confused. I would agree that maybe counseling may help. Hang in there, I'll pray for you.

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S.L.

answers from Tucson on

Hi C. E-
I am very sorry to hear about your circumstances. It must be very painful. Continue counseling for yourself, and your husband, if he will cooperate. I think that, in the end, he has done you a favor. In the meantime, don't be so shell-shocked that you are not able to take care of yourself. get a lawyer, ask you husband to move out, and follow your lawyer's advice to the letter (look for a good lawyer, where the case have been settled well for the women). Custody of your child is at stack. Don't try to drown your sorrpow, or do any other of those behaviors which will get yoiu frowned on by judges.

He has clearly been thinking of this for some time. Check bank accounts, etc. Deal through lawyer about what to do so that you will have housing and living expenses. Do divorce him. He has been planning this for some time. i would recommend anger as great therapy. You are not helpless and hopeless- you can do this! Don't worry about where you went wrong- sounds like another woman to me- just get him out as quickly as possible. You are not to blame. A man who cannot face his own feeling and responsibilities will try to place blame on you. Don't accept it.

Hope it helps- S.

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A.A.

answers from Tucson on

Wow....you're right, the whole situation sucks! You don't mention if YOU love your husband, though. Only my opinion, but it really sounds like your husband is a pretty selfish man. If you are already going to counseling to try and handle what I can only imagine was a devastating event in both of your lives and he isn't making the attempt to go to help himself deal with it, maybe his asking for a divorce might not necessarily be a bad thing for you. You sound like a strong woman, think this through, and decide what is best for you and your other child. Whatever you decide, best of luck!!!

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C.D.

answers from Phoenix on

Wow! My brother and his wife divorced after their daughter died from SIDS. Neither were the same after that. I would definately request counseling for the marriage, but both of you need individual counseling, also. I personally can't imagine the grieving process and the healing that must take place.
If you need a pick me up, or some encouragement, go watch the movie Fireproof. I think it's out on DVD by now, but it will encourage you to not give up, even when you so badly want to.

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V.J.

answers from Phoenix on

Awww C.! I really feel for you. This will be very challenging and take a lot of maturity, but it will work if he has any part of him that wants to save the marriage:

I would sit down with him and tell him (without being emotional) that you understand his feelings, you respect his feelings, and that you are willing to do anything you can to save your marriage (If you feel this way). Tell him how much you appreciate him. Ask him what he needs from you to make this work. Make sure you don't go into all the "what about me" stuff. That will ruin it. He does need to care about your feelings too, but you need to go to him right now. A lot of time we women have to go to our men first.

I believe that one of the keys to a successful marriage is being able to tell each other anything. If we can't, there just starts to become this baggage that we carry around with us. Try to just listen and let him get his feelings out- he might just be processing another level of grief. If you can do that for him, it will be hard, but you guys will be closer than ever. Hopefully, when you process your next level of grief, he will be there for you.

I would definitely recommend marriage and grief counseling- although you can only do this if he really wants to do it. You can't force him into it or nag him into going. I also recommend a workshop for women called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women that has worked wonders on my marriage. If you're interested, send me a message. There is also a book called the 5 Love Languages that has been phenomenal for us.

Celebrating Women, Understanding Men:
http://www.understandmen.com
There is a workshop in Phoenix which is closer and cheaper for you in March. It is amazing.

Here's the Five Love Languages:
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commi...

Best wishes to you and I'm so sorry for your loss.

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N.D.

answers from Phoenix on

Dear C.,

Sorry to hear about your marriage and life situation.

Please let me know if I can be of any help. I offer a free on-line chat consultation so please take me up on the offer and we can talk more if you would like.

I would like very much to assist in any way I can.

N.

www.DrNadiaDelshad.com

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M.B.

answers from Albuquerque on

C.,

I am so sorry to hear about your four year old. This tugged on my heart strings when I read it. I am the mother of a soon to be 4 year old and a 13 month old. I can't believe that he blames you and has let this be the reason that he is no longer in love with you. I really don't have any advice but to keep your head up. I know this has to be hard. If you need anything at all please let me know. I am always around and willing to talk or just listen when you need and ear. Good Luck and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[email protected]____.com.

M.

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N.S.

answers from Tucson on

First of all, I'm very sorry for the death of your son. It must have been tragic. And for your husband to say that must make things worse. I highly suggest counseling. You can approach the topic with your husband any way you want. You can say that you still love him and you'd like to go to couseling to save your marriage. Or you can say that if he wants a divorce, you'll agree...only if you go to counseling first. I think most courts will have you do it anyhow. Especially in a case like this.
Good luck. My prayers are with you and your family.

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M.V.

answers from Las Cruces on

I am so sorry for your loss and everything you are having to deal with right now.

As far as your marriage goes, if he is willing, you may want to try counseling. You should both seek individual counseling after such a tragic event. All I know is that both partners have to want to try one more time, and if he isn't willing there isn't much you can do. I'm sorry this isn't more encouraging.

I'm in Las Cruces and if you want to talk or get together, just send me a message, or e-mail me- [email protected]____.com luck.

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W.M.

answers from Phoenix on

C., this must be so very painful for you. Have you had marriage counseling? I know it seems like it might be too late, but maybe you could convince him to try again.

Letting him know that you understand his feelings and you can see how he would come to this conclusion about your marriage. Then add that you too struggle and neither one of you are equiped to handle these strong feelings alone. A therapist could help unwind this. Your church may be a good place to start.

Try to remember why you liked eachother in the first place. Talk about how you met and your wedding. The best advice I ever received about not "feeling" in love anymore was to start doing loving things. Love is not a destination location (noun) it is a verb. One has to be actively loving someone to remain in love. Luckily, sometimes just going through those motions, doing loving things for one another can remind the heart before all is lost. I hope things go better for you.

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D.B.

answers from Phoenix on

Sweetie, do you have a Pastor to talk to? You should not have to go down this road alone. I'm not from your area, but here we have a Christian directory. Even if you don't have a Pastor walk into any church of your choice. Prayer is a powerful healer.

God bless you,
D.

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L.R.

answers from Tucson on

Sounds to me like he has more to this "story" than he is telling you; he isn't sharing. BUT, reading your words, I see there hasn't been ANY communicating between the two of you, at all, for a LONG time. Makes you wonder who he IS confiding in and talking to. Hate to put that thought in there but, men do talk when they aren't talking to their wife they are talking with someone else.
To get a divorce, in AZ, you must go through counseling. Maybe this will help him ESP. if he tries using that excuse in the divorce papers. Now, do you , honestly, want someone around that doesn't talk to you, blames you, lets' your other child hear that blame game and swears he doesn't love you? Divorce sucks!!! So very sorry..please keep us updated and let us know what you and your husband decide and if he will go through the therapy he needs.

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S.H.

answers from Phoenix on

Ohhhh my goodness C...what an emotional roller coaster you must feeling.
First let me say, my heart goes out to you for the loss of your son. However this tragedy happened and those details involving his death are personal and I am sure you do not want to go in to much detail so I will go with what it may be from what I can assume or help lead you into maybe more questions/help to help get through this. =)
IMHO I get this feeling that he is trying to blame you for it and take it out on you. He may have some deep seeded guilt for "not being there & if I was- this would not of happened". He might be taking all the emotions and just pawning on you. He seems to not want to get therapy or closure??? Divorce seems an easy way out. He may never understand that no matter what happened that day- he cannot be everywhere all the time and for whatever reasons God has planned out for us- that is the plan and there is no control over when God says it is time to go. =)
Then I think back.. a few years when I had a elderly neighbor that became a friend with nightly patio talks of anything & everything. She was in her 60's and due to so many pills & her metal decline- she was loopy and maybe considered a little crazy. *Aren't we all? LOL So not all she said was taken to heart but 1 time it did. I asked her "if I knew when & how I was going to die & lets just say-it was in 1 minute from now "over there" in the street..& a car was to run me over while crossing. If I chose to not cross that street in 1 minute and avoided my "fate"- What would happen to me?" That "crazy" lady said something I will never forget."Well..then at that same moment- you would have a piano fall on your head that fell from an upper story window above you." LOL Does that offend anyone? I am sorry in advance if I did- not my intentions.
Now that you look back- have you noticed any new interests or spending a lot of time out. Finding new friends or hobbies or changing his appearance? He may have some mid-life crisis with a "fresh start" kick. Look into possibilities if he may have other woman interests.
I know I have read a lot about that there is a high % of parents that break up due to a death of a child. Constant reminding of that child & that they had with them is hard for them to deal with. Blame game? Denial? He may feel he cannot accept/find closure for your angels death til he has no reminders. Like running away will help?
Is he emotionally involved with your 2 year old?
If he refuses to get counseling and just wants to continue to blame you AND claims has not been in love with you for 1-2years...start taking a look back on what has changed-if anything for the last 1-2 years.
He needs to get some therapy. Any kind that he may get into or commit to. Plenty of groups with specific coping related meetings (like AA) that are free at any library. Online blog groups. He can blog his emotions there to others or just read other stories to get some help there. To know that others are and have been there- and what has worked for them or he can relate to them-can really help. Maybe some closure of the circumstances that day through whatever ways you are able to do- show him what they show and have him deal with his feelings. He is certainly not.
He needs to open up. I have my guarded opinion and feel free to message me for more discussion- if you want. =0)

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S.C.

answers from Phoenix on

My heart breaks for you. I have been a hospice nurse and know there can be no harder loss than to lose a child. Now you are faced with another loss. I would urge that you and your husband, if he will, for both your sakes, seek bereavement counseling. Check into programs through local hospice services.

I know you are not at fault for your son's death.

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K.E.

answers from Phoenix on

My heart is breaking for you! I know some think that you need to let your marriage go, but please don't give up yet. I have a friend who also lost her youngest son (18 mo.) to a drownding as well. Her husband also blamed her, because they were with her when it happend. He went through a major depression mixed with rage. It tore their marriage apart. He also never took in the account for how she was feeling. They had a fence around the pool but the latch wasn't closed all the way and he just got in. So she had to deal with loosing her child and also the what if... blame game. That is sooo distructive. You need to push for counseling. If he won't then go by yourself. You can't live with this burden. Your 2 year old son needs his mom. You need to take care of yourself for him. He needs both a mother and a father. Right now both his parents are broken. I don't know how you stand faith wise but you need prayer. I have already prayed for you and I will continue to pray for you. If you can, turn to God to help you and your marriage.

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S.R.

answers from Phoenix on

Oh my gosh I am SO sorry about your situation. My mom just moved in with me on Jan 2nd because my father asked her for a divorce after 32 years of marriage and since then we have found out that he has been with another woman for quite some time now. Its been really hard for us because they were together since they were 17. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am here if you need someone to talk to, I know a little bit about what you are going through but I cant imagine losing my son then having my husband blame me for that and ask for a divorce. I am so sorry.

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D.J.

answers from Phoenix on

I am so sorry for your loss. You don't mention if you've both been in counseling, or if you are members of a local church.

When you lose a child there is no way to just accept it. It's far easier to be "someone's fault". You and your husband are in need of professional help, even if it doesn't save your marriage.

If you aren't already members of a local congregation, please find one soon. Your church group can be a source of tremendous emotional and social support.

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G.H.

answers from Las Cruces on

Could your husband consent to trying grief counseling and
marriage counseling (which you should have started when
you lost your precious boy)? You can call your area and
get help...most take insurance and if you don't have
insurance some will do a sliding scale. Maybe he will
at least give this a try before throwing in the towel;
even if you decide that your marriage is over, the counseling will help you in all direcitons.
G. (wife, Mom, Grammy)

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