Confused Emotions over Vasectomy

I can't speak from experience on how you're feeling, but I did want to let you know that vasectomy's can be reversed. My brother in law had his reversed and shortly afterwards my nephew Joshua was born. So, maybe these feeling will pass in time, but if not reversal is possible.

My husband had a vasectomy almost 1 yr ago, and I thought I was ok w/ it. Then the follwing days after he got it, I found myself angry towards him. This was a decision we'd made together, we had our boy & girl, and knew we didnt want anymore. But the emotion I had afterwards, threw me for a loop. I, like yourself, found myself longing for another child, and he was the reason I couldnt. After a few days & finally talking to my husband about it, I realized that I was in mourning. I was mourning that chapter of my life, the kids I wouldnt get to have. I cried, and was sad for awhile. After a week or so, it eased up some. I still have times when I long for another baby, mainly because my youngest is almost 3. I realize now that we made the right decision, and we have the family we wanted...but emotions come up. So if you feel like it's something you should talk to someone about, then do it. There is no shame for the way you feel. But know it's normal to feel the way you feel. Hope this helps =)

You are in a tough place emotionally and I really feel for you. You sound like you are depressed (could it be post-partum?) and counseling would not be a bad idea.

Either way, you and your husband have to be on the same page about children. Both of you have to want another child, and unfortunately, that means you have to be the one to compromise on this issue. You sound like a very loving mother and your children are blessed to have you.

Keep praying for God to heal your heart. Volunteer at church to watch the babies in the nursery (babies can never have enough people showing them love). There are many children who need to see the love of a good mother and some of them may be your children's friends. Be the kind of mom whose children's friends love to come over because you are so giving and loving.

Just keep trusting God and loving your husband. God will bring you what you need. If things don't start to improve, definitely seek some professional counseling.

I am also a soldiers wife so that in its self comes with so many emotions. With me and my husband we both brought 1 daughter each to our relationship and I had another boy and girl with him. 4 kids in total. mine, his and ours. I told him that I was finished and was having my tubes tied before leaving the hospital with my son. He agreed with me on this but after I did it he was upset. He still, almost 4 yrs later tells me he would like another son. I have had these feelings for another kid every now and then but I am glad that I got my tubes tied because the feeling passes. I know in my heart that if I had 1 more kid I would be crazier then I already am. It is stressful because I am by myself 100% of the time now because he is deployed but normally about 75% of the time when he is home. Geez is he ever home???? I love him to death and he understands how I feel. I joke with him that if he wants another kid it will have to be with someone else. He jokes with me and tells me lets go make a baby. Your right about it being nice not worrying about getting pregnant. Maybe some counseling would help or maybe you need to just tell him how you feel and you both can work it out. I support my husband 100% in all he does and he does the same for me. We state our sides and issues and go from there. Do we always agree? No. But we do agree that we can have different opinions.

Dear H.,
As a marriage counselor, it worries me that you did not make this decision as a couple. You both have valid concerns that did not seem to be fully addressed before a serious step was taken. It is these kind of decisions that can sow seeds of resentment that flower when a couple least expects it. Unaddressed resentment is one of the main culprits in couple's growing apart. I think it would be helpful for you both to seek counseling for resolution of this issue as well as address the pattern of decision making in your relationship.
Good luck,
L.

I am so sorry you are feeling sad, H.. I agree with the couple who said you are mourning the potential. You may not ever decide to have another, but the possibility is gone now as well. Greive, honey. I, personally, believe that some of these emotions WILL calm down with time.
I also sort of believe that you have to respect his wishes as well.
I understand it should be a joint decision, but I found it interesting that only one person felt this way. Seems like the majority were upset that he made this decision and stuck by it even though you may have disagreed. We have to look at the 'shoe on the other foot': If YOU were SURE that you were done having children, even if he wanted more, he would most likely respect your decision to get tubes tied, birth control, etc. We have to offer our men the same respect. Just my opinion.
With that being said, I would just talk to your husband and explain your feelings. Be honest, but also allow HIM to be honest as well. Agree to disagree about the decision, for now, and be supportive for each other until you both can come to agreement of some sort.
Hope you are doing well.

It seems like what you're going through is normal and to be expected -- you're grieving the loss of children never to be. Since you were not a willing partner in his vasectomy, it sounds like you're experiencing more grief than someone who was "on board" with it. Give yourself space to grieve, but then you must move on -- if you dwell on it, you'll get worse.

My mom had her tubes tied after she had me (#4 in 6 years), and she told me recently that she often regretted that -- that although it seemed like the right decision at the time, she sometimes wished she could have had more children. And this mixture of regret and relief happened with a decision that was totally hers.

It's only been a couple of days. Give it time. If you still feel this way in a month or six weeks, or if you get worse, then maybe you ought to seek counselling, but I'd give it time. There are bound to be online communities of women in your situation -- it would probably be good to seek them out and learn from their experiences.

Well, thinking of 'could've', 'should've', and 'would've', this SHOULD always be a decision that BOTH partners AGREE upon before 'biting the bullet', so-to-speak. It's too late for that, but he must feel VERY strongly about NOT having more children or he WOULDn't have done this.

You can only do what you can do . . . pray that your heart will be fulfilled, softened, and not embittered. LOVE your husband and the children that you HAVE. Don't miss out on one happy memory-in-the-making with the people/children who DO exist in your life by fretting over the 'ones that COULD've been'.

Whatsoever things ARE pure, honest, of good report, etc -- think on THESE things.

I'm not trying to invalidate your FEELINGS (we can't help our FEELINGS, and 'feelings', per se, are NEVER evil), but we all have to decide what to DO with our feelings and channel our emotions, mentality, spirituality, etc. in the right directions.

And, by all means, meet with SOMEONE (even if only other girlfriends) to talk this through. As women, I think the most important thing IS to have our 'feelings' validated!

May God bless and comfort you through this!

P.S. We also have 4 children (all grown and gone) born over a span of over 11 years, and we STILL waited until the youngest was 6 before deciding to make a 'permanent' decision (Thankfully, HE 'bit the bullet', as it was a somewhat easier procedure for him at that point than for me!) Now we have grandchildren (3), and we STILL may Foster-Parent at some point. Life goes on and there's much to be done . . .

H.,
It hurt my heart to read your entry. It sounds as if you're in a mourning stage for the babies you won't have. There's nothing wrong with you, honey. It's okay to feel sad about it, but don't let feelings of resentment destroy the bond you have with your husband. It seems as if the two of you have discussed this before, but did he fully understand what this meant to you? Can you see his side as well? What were his reasons for doing it?
I'm an Army wife and mother of two. My husband reluctantly had a vasectomy. Although he didn't want anyone near his 'package' he did it so that we could still be intimate without worrying about more babies. I reasoned that my body went through enough with 18 months of pregnancy, over two years of breastfeeding, and stretch marks all over various areas (not to mention things aren't where they used to be!). It was time for him to do his part--a quick snip and solder with time to heal. We haven't looked back. We are fully enjoying the benefits of that short procedure.
The military life takes a toll on us and our kids. While it does give them opportunities to see the world and learn about other cultures, it also gives them undeserving stress and heartache. Long hours, training missions and deployments make their dads (and military moms) miss out on so many of their accomplishing moments. At times my husband and I will talk about this part of our family's life and how it's not fair to the kids. We love them dearly, but we're glad that two are the only ones we're dragging through this craziness. Soon we'll be dealing with another deployment. It's the 4th for our oldest and 2nd for our youngest. Think about your children. What about them?
I hope you don't take offense. I don't mean to be a downer. I'm proud to serve my country in my own capacity. There are plenty of benefits being military. I'm just offering you something to think about that maybe your husband has thought about but can't convey. I can tell you're a wonderful and nurturing person. We need more moms out there like you! Talk to him again and let him know what you're feeling. If you still feel like you need to talk, there are qualified therapists on post to help you.
I'll pray for you. God bless!

H.-
If your husband did this without your consent, I think you both need to speak to a counselor/minister to work through this. I think that would be a sign of a deeper issue.

I encourage you to see this issue from your husband's perspective. He is the 'bread winner' (even if you work outside the home!) and I am sure he feels that manly responsibility to take care of his family, and we all know that more children mean tighter resources. He may not vocalize this, but he probably worries about his military work and what would become of you and the children should something happen to him. He may feel it is too big of a burden for you to handle the majority of the parenting since he is gone so much. Maybe he worries another child would take his precious little time away from you and the family he already has. I admire him for being responsible enough to plan ahead, and would discourage anyone from bringing children into a marriage if both parties don't want them. A counselor may help both of you see each others perspective on this issue.

Your husbands responses to your pregnancies is quite normal, although it sounds like you were a little hurt by it. You will find very few women who would admit this, but it is more true than you realize.

We all mourn when we realize our lives are not what we invisioned them to be. I am envious of you. When my son was 2 months old, my husband was diagnosed with cancer and we are unable to have more children. After I got over my joy at my husband's recovery, I mourned the "loss" of the family I'd always planned for, but I realized if I wasted my time on what "might have been", I'd miss out on what I have. When I began working with a woman whose husband got cancer BEFORE they had children, I became even more greatful for the gift God gave me.

Best of luck to you and your family.

Focus on the positive:
The freedom of a vasectomy really is wonderful!

And, you have 4 children to focus on. You will have some time, as the kids get older, to re-discover other parts of your identity.

I think counseling is a great idea! Go find out what is driving your need for more children. I don't doubt that you are an intelligent & interesting person beneath the identity of wife & mother of 4. Go find out about that person!! She really deserves it.

Get a puppy, volunteer helping those less fortunate, teach a class. There are lots of ways to make positive contributions to your own life and to humanity.

It's going to be ok.

H.,
I am in agreement with Lesli D's post. Absolutely seek counseling now. Couples counseling would be the best, and if you're feeling unstable, confused or unsure, I would also encourage individual counseling for yourself. You don't mention your age, but there are stages or phases that we all progress through in our lives. Some of us need talk therapy to help us navigate these periods.
You also don't say where you're located. If you're in the Nashville area, let me know and I'll be glad to give you some references.

All the best,

C.

I think that although your emotions may calm down, you will never feel that he made the right decision since he did it against your wishes. I do think that having 3 children through birth and one through marriage is a nice family though. I do think that you are luckier than most, my husband only wanted two and that is what we have. We know that our lives can go on to the next phase now. There were certain things that we could not do having young ones, traveling, etc Each phase in life is so exciting and watching them grow and mature and move on to school is amazing. You were lucky enough to experience 3 births and children of your own and lucky enough to experience a child of your husband's. Don't feel upset, try to look at the positive side, moving on into the next phase. Children are expensive and require a lot of time, attn, and money. College, weddings, etc With the 4 that you have, you can start concentrating on what you can do for them in the future instead of adding another child to the mix.

On the other note, if you harbor feelings like I do, you may not forgive your husband and that is not good for a marriage. I would then recommend counseling. If you can get your husband to go, that would be great. If not, tell him that you are going, tell him exactly how you feel, each night after your sessions, explain how you are feeling. Keep him involved in your thoughts and feelings and maybe he can help you get past this. I am sure you feel disrespected. If he is a good man, he will help you get through this.

W.

Hi H.. I think you may want to go talk to someone. I only have one child and and NOT wanting others, but I know that some people like larger families. You stepdaughter still counts as a 4th child and just because she will leave the home, does not mean that you have to "replace" her. and I don;t mean that in any ugly way, I mean, why do you feel the need fill her spot? I am not sure if that is coming out right but anywho......ask yourself, have you always wanted a larger family or is this something that you have decides in the recent years? and...do you think you want more kids so that your house stays busy while yuor husband is away? I am SO not in your shoes, but it never hurts to go talk to someone. I had a time in my life when I did it and I recommed it to EVERYONE! Good luck and I hope everything works out for ya'll. God Bless

I feel for you. It's hard making a decision not to have any more children. I had my tubes tide in April and it was a very hard decision to come to. To think that I wouldn't have any more babies broke my heart. But then I thought how lucky I was that I had two babies. Some people can't even have one. After time I got over the feelings and am very happy with the decision we made. Talk to your husband tell him how you feel. He can have it reversed if later on down the road you decided to have more children. Enjoy the children you have don't think about the possible kids. If it's in the plans for you their will be more. What you and your husband just went through is a big deal. Good luck and as a fellow military wife God bless.

Your husband made a very thoughtful choice. He realialized that you are very emotional about the children and could always have another. Money is very tight these days, and 4 is more than enough as the world goes.
If there is room in your life, consider taking care of a newborn, or consider fostering. I can't imagine how busy you must be, but if you aren't, there is always someone who needs help out there. Maybe counseling would be a good idea, to just sit and talk about it. One last thought, he knows what he is capable of handling.

I went through this about a year ago. Though the Vasectomy was a mutual agreement between my husband and I it was tough knowing that I was watching my last child do his firsts. Emotionally I wanted another baby but deep down I knew that we did not need another one. I think that even though it is the man getting the vasectomy we still have to go through the emotional process that we will no longer mother another child. It is an end to a stage in our life one that most women do not go through real well. You just need to focus on the children that you have and realize the blessing. I had to get my crying out about it and even still every now and then I will think about the fact that I will not have another child and get sad but I no longer get upset and cry. It was a time process. I will add you to my prayer list.

H.,

I think counseling would good; it's a safeguard to help you not bottle up these feelings and turn them against your husband. There's no shame in seeking counseling; I think that most of us need it at some point in our lives.

Hi H.,
I understand how sad it can be to know you will not be having more children. Perhaps some counseling will help, though, to help you get more in touch with your husbands feelings. Just as a man should respect a womans right to control her reproductive system, it may be difficult for you to understand how to respect his right to control his. You obviously love your family very much and the topic of having children is a very emotional one. I'm sure you can work this out together, but you may need a little help.

wow... hunny did you talk to h im about this before???? it seems a bit late now i know it can be reversed but still. if this was talked about before and he still did it well maybe its time to move on if you feel that strong about having more children

Dear H.,

Yes, in your situation I would seek counseling. I suspect your emotions are due to starting a new phase in your married life which will not include babies and that may be difficult for you to let go. Try to focus on doing the best parenting for these children and teaching them all that they must be taught. If you had another baby, that would take time away from them. Time that each one of them need - one on one for learning and playing. Don't forget you must spend special time with your husband!

Take care,
H. G.

Give yourself time to grieve the loss and see if time heals this wound. If it does not, then get counselling.

Hi H., these feelings are very normal, we have experienced the same thing except it was my husband that had the emotions. Since I can give the perspective from the other side, I do think both people have to be much on the exact same page to have more kids. If they aren't, it needs to go with the 'don't' opposed to 'do' for so many reasons. (I exclude couples that are thinking about #1, I think it should sway more towards do than don't, but that sounds biased doesn't it). He probably feels overwhelmed with the responsibility of what he has and knows he has reached his limit. That's exactly the way I felt. I knew I was done during my third pregnancy. He probably feels the same way and in his mind after four kids, it's not negotiable. I would be thankful that he has been willing to have three more beautiful kids (as you know, this is a huge responsibility these days financially and especially with military life, my husband is an 8 year veteran), and give him support for his decision. The burden falls mostly on them to financially support the family and I think we can't (fully) understand how overwhelming it is for them. We had three girls and my husband really wanted the opp. to have a boy, which I wasn't willing to go to 4, it was just too much. He may always have that yearning (and it has gotten better), as you may, but eventually everybody has to accept that they have to move on to another phase, which doesn't include the pregnancy/baby stages. Even though I was the one to be adamant about the 'v', it still was sad that I wouldn't have another newborn, so I can definitely relate to your side too.... that special sweet time of pregnancy, excitement, and having a sweet little one is hard for us moms to finally give up. Have a great day...

H.,

I am so sorry you are hurting. I would encourage you to talk to someone, be it a counselor or minister. I think it may subside, but why torture yourself if you can resolve some feelings sooner with assistance. I would imagine your feelings are not uncommon and would be similar to those feelings at menopause, having tubes tied, hysterectomy, etc. There are resources out there to help you cope with this and I hope you will seek them out. It wouldn't be fair to you, your husband or your kids to let this continue affecting you in this way.

Good luck and God bless!

H.,
You sound like a wonderful mother. I work with children that have been abused and neglected. You could become foster parents. There are lots of children in the world who need good parents. You have been blessed to have four wonderful children. Count your blessings and enjoy them. If you still don't feel like your family is complete consider sharing your home with a child who needs you.
S.

I chose to have a tubal ligation after our 4th child...mostly because of financial issues(no way could we afford another one even though my boys are teenaters...on just turned 18, baby is now almost 3) but also because of my age. I was41 @ her birth. However, I also feel sad sometimes when I think of the fact that there will be no more babies. I think that is normal for women who want to be moms. I now look forward to the time when God gives us grandchildren...although hopefully not for at least another 6 or 7 years! In the meantime, enjoy holding friends' and relatives' babies...maybe volunteer to help with the babies in your church nursery or volunteer at the hospital nursery. That may help heal the ache in your arms to hold another little one. jSomething else you could consider as your chldren get older is maybe foster parenting babies...it's just too hard to let go when it's time for them to leave. I had a friend who experienced that years ago.

Your feelings sound normal to me. I think sometimes we need to go through a grieving process in that kind of situation. Essentially you are mourning the loss of your last "child"--even though it is really on the IDEA of that child. You've had that with you for a while and you had an imagined future around that child. It's certainly a mental adjustment, and one that is attached to deep emotion. So take the time to be sad now, process the emotions you feel, and then it will be easier to accept your life now and all of its blessings. I would tell your husband what you're going through too. Remind him that you're not trying to make him feel guilty--you supported the operation in your way--but you do have strong emotions attached to the decision, and you need to work them out. And you probably could use his help with that. If you start to feel really depressed and you don't seem to be dealing any better with this in a month, then I would go see someone.

I recently went through something similar when my husband and I were deciding whether or not to have a third child. I cried like my world was ending even though I was resigned to the idea. My husband listened and soothed me, and I made it clear to him that I wasn't trying to change his mind, but my emotions were real and needed to be dealt with. I had to mourn the loss of the idea of that third child and what I had imagined our family would be. I was glad I didn't hide that from him. Good luck.

Having children is something both partners have to agree on. Do you really want to have a child when your husband doesn't and hope that he warms up to it after it is there? I had my tubes tied after my 3rd child was born. There have been times I have thought I would have liked to have another and then I look at my children, thank God they are healthy and happy and I am at peace with my decision. My husband is a marine and goes on deployment often. I work, take care of the home, help out my parents and my grandmother, in addition to dealing with all the things that go along with all the activities my three children are involved in. The older they get, the more they are involved in. Now we are looking at our oldest starting college. We want to provide for all three children. If we had had a 4th, I just think the financial strain would have caused problems. I would suggest you talk to someone, a Chaplain, friend, or if need be a therapist. I know it is hard to realize you are never going to have more children. I still struggle with it even though I know we made the right decision. One more thing. You said your husband is a soldier. Is he gone a lot? My husband really struggles with the fact that he has missed out on so much of the kids growing up.

You are mourning the loss of any future children and that is understandable. If you feel strongly about having more children in your family you could possibly adopt. If there is more going on than just this one thing then counseling could help you work through these things. Only you know if there is more going on. Be honest to yourself and seek counseling if there is a lot going on. Sometimes just venting about things helps to put it in perspective. Don't forget to pray about these things as well.

Every marriage should be based on many good values, but the main one is communication. You and your husband need to sit down and talk this through with each other. If you feel you need a counselor then great but in order for you to have a healthy marriage you both need to have open communication with each other.

Your crying in secret should not be happening. He is your husband. He should know when you laugh and when you cry. He can't help you if you don't tell him your heartache. And you need to know his deep rooted reasoning for choosing the vasectomy.

This vasectomy decision should have been a decision that both of you made. But it is over now and you can't change that. So now you go forward, communicate better, and use this situation to become closer to each other. God Bless~

Hello, H..
I am sorry you are feeling sad/bad over this. I would give it a little while to get better before seeking counseling unless you've have problems in the past dealing w/your emotions and such.
As for your husband's decision, maybe there are other things he is feeling that he can't find the way to talk to you about. My hubby is also a soldier. he has had vaccines for this and that. When you are deployed overseas to certain places, you aren't allowed to donate blood. Maybe he is scared of what is in his semen now and doesn't want to have another baby for fear something would be wrong with it.
My husband is "old fashioned" and I am a SAHM. Maybe your husband worries something could happen to him and he doesn't want to leave you alone to take care of so many kids. Those thoughts really bother some people.
Just know to bring another baby into the world should be a decision between both parents. If one is against it, It is not a good idea. Reverse the role on this... if you were the one who didn't want to have any more and he did. Try to talk to him and see why he doesn't want anymore and maybe that will help you be more understanding.
Children are a blessing, but for some reason, maybe he feels his family is complete.
I wish you good luck.
-D.

How are you doing now? My husband got a vasectomy with me begging him not to, he was actually late to his appointment because we were fighting about it in the parking lot. It was 12/11/06 and I am still not over it. I still cry every day, I still can't stand him to touch me, but I pretend that I am OK for the kids. We went to counseling and it only made things worse. My feelings are that he walked away from our marriage that day and I am just waiting for the kids to grow up and move out so I don't have to play like I am happy anymore. I hope you are not going through the same thing.

Thank the good Lord that you have four wonderful children, a loving marriage, and a good husband. In the economy today, four is plenty. Us women always want to love a little baby but remember time flies and the grandchildren come soon enough. Be happy with what you have and enjoy them to the fullest.

seek counseling. Get it for you and then ask him to join you so that he can understand you from a different point of view. If you are having nightmares and crying privately those are big signs that its time to get outside help to get a new perspective on how to think about things.

Good luck and God Bless,

First, I hope he did not do this behind your back or without your consent. I assume he did not. I understand the yearning for more babies, but now that my youngest is in kindergarten, it does free my time to help with my children and volunteer in their school.

Your children will continue to be a blessing to you. Perhaps you should seek counseling with your pastor.

Keeping you in my prayers for a settled heart and mind...

your feelings are normal and a part of feeling a loss over a dream ( having more children) they will ease with time, sometimes we need counseling, but make sure it is good counsel a clergy you trust or a godly counselor, if in the future you want more children, why not think about being a foster parent, there is a great need for good foster parents and there is always adoption, i will be praying for you and your family and thank your husband for serving our country and keeping us free.

H.,

My husband just had a vasectomy and we only have one child. I have some health issues and really didn't want to put myself in jeopardy becaue I need to be here to take care of the child I have. I take Blood Pressure Meds and have been borderline diabetic. My doctors said I would have a high risk pregnancy and I have already lost a baby so I was ready to call it quits for the sake of everyone. I tried everything to take care of these problems naturally but I ended up having to take medication that could endanger a fetus. You wouldn't know I have these problems because I am fit and eat well . I guess I am just unlucky. I have also had these dreams but I don't let them get to me. You are lucky you have four. I only got to have one but she is so awsome that I don't care!!! Anyhow I don't think you need counseling. I think that is a normal reaction. It is hard to accept that part of your lie is over. I am choosing to move onto a new part of my life with a really cool grown up kid.

Hi H.
It sounds like you really need to talk with your husband and let him know your feelings. This may be a situation where only he and you can come to a conclusion (I hear vasectomies are reversible). I think once you come to that conclusion then if you feel you need further counseling then you should seek it. This is hard since it is personal and preferrenced to the two of you. Good luck with your decision.
P.

Hi H.,
You sound so sad. ): I am sorry you are grieving not having more children. I don't know if you should seek counseling, but I definitely think you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling - not to make him feel guilty about his decision, but to have him support you during this time when you are grieving. You should tell him exactly what you said to all of us! God bless you!
Cyndi

I do hope this was a joint decision and you were informed from the very beginning. I understand the need for more children too. We have 4 and my hubby had a vasectomy while I was pregnant with our youngest. Yes I want other children, I truly miss the baby years and the toddler years. It is hard when my youngest hits all the milestones and I knew he is the last, but we made a joint decision. It was right for our family.
Talk to your hubby about how you are feeling and talk to your Chaplain. The finality of a vasectony is hard to get over sometimes but my time has been freed up so much now. One of the hardest day of my life was my baby's first day of kindergarten which was also my oldest's first day of his senior year. I realized I had been home with babies for 18 years.
This is what we have done in VA, not in NC he deploys to often. We are emergency foster care providers. We get a child in the house for only up to 21 days. Usually it was for a couple days. Emergency providers are the safe house the child goes to while authorities straighten out what's going on at home. It was very rewarding. We also did respite care for kids in the foster system whose fotser parents were going on a vacation. These children have to be in the custody of someone in the foster care network. My children learned alot about how fortunate they are when these children came into the house.
I would definitely talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Don't let it fester. (((HUGS)))

I think that as a woman we always feel that we have a right to continue to have more children. But as a wife the husbands wishes should also be considered. 4 is surely a handful w/ a step child or not she is still a part of your family. concentrate on the children you have and not on what could have been. In a few months you wont even think about having any more children. At almost fifty i sometimes think if I were younger I would like another, thats why I have a home daycare. They are mine for 8 hrs and I'm ready to send them home!!!
G.
G.

I am sorry that you are feeling hurt however the world is over populated enough without people having three plus children. Personally I believe all couples should be limited to two children. One to replace you and one to replace your spouse. Be glad you have the ones you have. Also get some counseling it sounds like you are having children for your own needs.

Dear H.,
-I'm very sorry that you're going through this. You say, "He was never excited about any of the children coming." So, how supportive was he TO YOU during your pregnancies? And, you are crying in secret and are very alone. Meanwhile, your children need you ... you need your children to help you when he is gone.
-I agree that with your dreams and physical symptoms, you need to go to individual counseling for the impact that this has had on you. We all need professional therapy at some times in our lives and it's OK.
-Having said that, it's a terrible feeling not to have your wishes respected in a marriage. Did your husband know that you wanted more children before he had his vasectomy? You both need to go to marriage counseling for your sake and the sake of the kids. You both need to learn to understand and respect each other and relearn to appreciate each other.
-I think these are warning signs that the future of your marriage is in trouble, and you and your husband need to address your mutual feelings as soon as possible.
-Once your marriage communication is solid again - or even if it isn't - consider this a golden opportunity to look at foster children and/or adoption. You have enough love in you to share with additional children, please offer it to children who have nobody wanting or loving them. Open up your heart, your home, and your family to children who have no other opportunities to receive the warmth and caring that you can give.
-God bless.
-Afterthought note:
Did you have to sign for the vasectomy with him? Or did he do it without your signature?

First of all the vasectomy should have been a join decision. It is not HIS body souly anymore. It belongs to you too. Second of all, times like these, it is probably hard to feed them all and he would probably like to have a little left in the end to spend on you so you and he could go and enjoy life. He probably really would like to have a partner without children for a change. Thirdly, my X had one and it changed his personality. He became very abusive and controlling. Not that he didn't have it in him already because his parents had a weird streak in them but that seemed to magnify things faster. And it was his decision, not mine. But by the time he became mean, I didn't want anymore with him anyway.
I think that you should talk to him about your feelings and emotions and let him talk to you and comfort you. Many times he may not know how you are feeling or how this has affected you and a little communication can go a long long way.