Coping with a Loss

I too had a miscarriage after having my son. It was my second pregnancy. I was devastated. I thought I would not be able to have anymore. My sister in law was pregnant and due around the same time so it was hard for me to go around her. A couple of months later I tried again and since then I have had 2 healthy little girls. So now I have 3. I was the only child and my mom believes you are only supposed to have 1 and that is it. So I know how that can be. The pain gets better. What helped me is to get pregnant again (after waiting a couple of months). Hang in there. It takes time but it gets a little easier but you'll never forget. I definitely do not take being pregnant for granted anymore. I stay nervous about the pregnancy until delivery.

I've not lost a child, but I fear it all the time because I was diagnosed with cancer only a few weeks postpartum with my second child. I know all too well that life can unexpectedly change.

No one can tell you how to grieve, and people seem afraid to talk to you when you're in a difficult place. I was talking to a former colleague who was ranting about her day, and she was really embarrassed when she realized how trivial it was vs. my chemo treatments at the time. It didn't bother me, I didn't mind dealing with people's real worlds.

Mother Nature is wise. ~1/2 of all pregnancies naturally terminate because the baby will not be able to survive the pregnancy or the birth. We get so emotionally attached when we want something so dearly, and our instincts rule when we lose it.

What I learned about cancer is that my normal pessimistic point of view changed drastically. I started seeing all the good in everything and really started focusing more on what was present and important. If possible, use your grief for good - let it be a means to dedicate all your energies into your 2 children, helping other people cope with loss (once you're past this stage) and perhaps trying for another child if that's what you really want (or adopting one).

For me, survivorship was one of the hardest parts of dealing with my situation. I finally had to see a therapist to help put things into perspective. I learned that my 36 year-old cousin has a serious cancer diagnosis. His daughter is 3 weeks old. He may not survive more than a few years if statistics are true. I struggled all last week with my own diagnosis and my health currently being well.

Good luck. I hope you find peace soon. In the meantime, try to use your energies to be the best mother, wife, friend, daughter possible and cherish each day you do have.

S., I just had a miscarriage on Sunday too. I was also 6 weeks along. This was our 3rd loss (one ectopic, 2 miscarriages back to back). People are always saying the wrong thing like, "you can have another one", "it was just bad timing", etc.
Hang in there. It sucks beyond words, and I am so very sorry for your losses. Time will heal. I also have 2 beautiful little girls who are my light and a wonderful, supportive husband to lean on. Let your body and soul heal and try to journal and think about how wonderful your kids are. Being the best mommy to mine is helping me cope. I also named my lost babies and I'm planning on getting a garden stone with a saying about loss on it and I'll put my momentos of my babies under it. I don't have much, but I have my pregnancy tests, cards and hospital bracelets. *Hugs* to you mama!

I agree with all the posters that time will heal. Your mom is trying to support you just chose the wrong words. She doesn't want to see you in such pain and wants you to focus on your two kids. An Ectopic pregnancy was never going to be a good outcome and your miscarriage a few weeks ago just meant that baby could have had some serious health issues. If you want to try again, just give your body some time to heal and try again. The choice is yours and your husband. Not to freak you out but my cousin had 6 miscarriages before she had two beautiful kids. She didn't let the depression overwhelm her because she knew that when she went full term that was the baby she was meant to have. I am sorry for your loss and no you are not crazy.

Two miscarriages doesn't mean you are only meant to have two, especially when you've already been able to bring children to term.

Me, personally, I wouldn't give up just yet. And if/when you bring your next child into the world, the pain will definitely be gone then. In the meantime, I'm sorry for your loss.

S.,
First off I am so sorry for what you going through. Second NO your not going crazy and your not nuts! This is a very hard thing to go through and people usually DONT know what to say. Not like there really is anything to say that is going to make you feel better. I had two miscarriages. One at 3 months and the other at 6 weeks too. My experience with my first was horrifying...i dont need to go into detail but it was more than any mother should have to see or go through. I then got pregnant again about 8 months later and right after I found out I was preganant I lost the baby. Words dont heal your hurts....time helps and will make it so you can deal and move on. Not forget, just get through. I now am very blessed with three beautiful children. I almost gave up too. The hurt and the fear of it happening again was crippling to me, but in time my husband and i started to heal and thought we would try one more time and see how it went. Finally it took and the next two just the same. It took me two years to get to that point to want to try so give yourself time. I have lots of friends who have expereinced this unfortunaly. One went through 7 miscarriages and a still born. I have no idea how she kept going and handled it all, but after adopting 3 children she then got pregnant and went to term twice and has 5 wonderful kids now. I think the thing that is the most scary is that doctors usually cant tell you why it happens so the fear that it will happen again haunts us. Your NOT alone! Give yourself sometime and grieve however you need to and for as long as you need to. Then decide if you want to try again. I pain will start to lessen. It will never go away completly. Please love on your children and your husband and find a way to get through this. Its horrible and it sucks but this doesnt have to be the end. Good luck hun. I hope you find some peace. You and your family.

The thing is, I can't tell you yes or no on this one. I know this is not worth much, but if you are meant to have another child, then you will. For now, you have to try and be thankful for the two beautiful blessings you have. While it will never get easier, time will heal your heart. A really good friend of mine tried to years to have a child. She was finally told by 3 doctors she would never be able to have a baby. She turned to God and prayed. She is now the mother of a 2 year old little girl whom she conceived and delivered on her own. My point is there is someone you can turn to, put it in God's hands. Also you might want to check your area and see if there is a support group for women who have had miscarriages, I know of friend of mine attended one in her area. Best wishes

You are not going crazy. It is difficult to lose a baby. In time the pain will not be as raw. When this happens, you will find the strength to make the best decision for you and your family.

I am so sorry for your loss. Not only are your truly sad, you also have a ton of hormones still raging through your body. Both will take time to get better. If you feel you cannot focus on your other children and get over this alone, please seek help from your doctor or family. You may actually be truly depressed and need help to feel well again. I lost my first pregnancy at 12 weeks when there simply was no more heartbeat. I needed a dilation & evacuation to remove the fetus ASAP. I was devastated, but the doctor breezily said: give your body about 3 months to heal and try again. And she was right, 6 months later I was back in her office pregnant again. I now have 2 healthy daughters and am thankful. I used to take my basal temps and had quite a few times (maybe a total of 6) where the temps stayed high (pregnant) for a week or 2 and then I would have a period, which really meant the pregnancy did not "take". It does not take away the pain, I still occasionally wonder what my first child would have been like, but life does go on again. Consider yourself hugged.

I am sorry for your loss. You are not going crazy, you are grieving. I have lost 3 babies, and have 3 living children. It will happen again for you. Know you are not alone.
S.

I have had a miscarriage and lost a baby before her first birthday. The only thing that helps heal the pain is time and that amount of time is different for everyone, even between you and your husband. It is impossible for most people to understand the pain and everyone is always trying to help with what they say but most of it is pretty unproductive in the help category. I joined a local support group after losing our first daughter with other parents who had experienced miscarriage, still birth or death of an infant and that was a group of people that were very helpful. You should look into one in your area. I have to add that I'm not typically a person who likes to share things in a group environment but this happened to be a great group that helped me cope especially during the first year. Being almost three years removed from losing her and almost six years from my miscarriage, we are both still sad to some degree everyday and think about her and what could've been. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time together when I had my miscarriage, but her pregnancy went to term so I understand the frustrations on that front as well.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. For the past 2 yrs. we've been trying for baby #2. I had a miscarriage at 8 wks, & was so sad about that but determined to try again. After 10 months of crazy periods & finally going back on BC to regulate my body, I got pregnant. At our ultrasound appt. (19wks) we found out the his heart stopped beating. I was devastated. I had to tell EVERYONE, including our 3 yr. old, who kept talking about how the baby had died. I couldn't talk to my mom about it. She usually says the wrong thing. No one knew what to say. I know they felt bad, they just didn't have the words. I talked to my husband. We grieved together & it brought us closer. The support groups tended to make me feel worse. You realize that it happens to a lot of women, & its so sad, & having a baby really is a miracle. I'm now 6 1/2 months pregnant, everything seems to be going great. I feel him move all the time, my Dr. is watching me closely....I know my body can do this. (I'm due in Oct.) My advice is to let yourself grieve, talk to someone who can help you get through the pain, & give yourself some time. I knew I wanted another child so I threw myself into that, & it helped me. You'll know when/if your ready again. Be kind to yourself. This is hard to go through, & time will help to ease your pain, (you may always have a little of it with you) but it will get better. I'm sorry, I'm sending you a really big hug!

I think that the road to hell is FULL of good intentions. I believe that your mom's heart is in the right place. I just think that she too is having a hard time with the loss of her daughter's child and is trying to find some way to "comfort" you that will make her feel better. She's grieving too I imagine.

I am sorry for your loss. There are no words to express how it feels to lose a child. Give this grief time. Let it settle in and deal with it. Seek out support from other parents who've lost as well. Sharing your grief will help. Find a friend who will do nothing more than sit and allow you to cry for a while without judgment. Those are the BEST kinds of people to have around you.

Please know that you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. That this too will ease with time. And that your "living" children need you more now than they ever did...and for them, you have to go on...

Sending good thoughts your way.

People say things with good intentions, but they come out wrong and hit you like a hammer. And then those words can replay in your head. I am so sorry. You are not alone, and I hope that you can get through each painful minute, day, week, and eventually find some peace. Most of the time I try to find the upside to any event that throws me off course. Sometimes that is too hard, and I find more comfort in just saying to myself, "this sucks and I don't have to feel better about it" Twice recently this has helped me to calm down and cope. I wish you some peace. Hugs.

You will find the strength again in time. Each pregnancy is different and comes with it's own set of risks/complications. Remember too as you get older things change. Focus on your two beautiful kids and let that give you hope to try again when you have healed. Think about the moms who have had all bad pregnancies and outcomes. You are lucky to have two healthy ones. Try not to focus on the expectations getting shattered. I believe in time you will have enough guts to go again. I think you were on a roll in having healthy ones and this particular pregnancy shattered your expectations.

S.,
You are not crazy, you are grieving. I personally have never experienced loss like you, but I have had many friends who have. I cannot imagine the mix of emotions you feel. Allow yourself to grieve the loss you experienced. BUT at the same time, you have to continue to move forward in your life. I pray that you can be joyful with your friends as they give birth to their sweet little ones.

Blessings to you
T.

Give yourself time to grieve. These are two HUGE losses - one right after the other. Ask your mother not to offer her version of "helpful suggestions", since all they do is hurt. Maybe you can plan a memorial for the time at which the miscarried child would have been born. There is an organization for people who have lost babies (either before or after birth) it is still losing a uniquely special person.

Updated

An add-on since I am sure you are unlikely to feel like doing a web-search. the name of the organization is The Compassionate Friends. The website link follows: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are not going nuts, you are very naturally grieving. As others have said the only thing that really helps is time. I also have 2 children and have had 2 miscarriages. One after each child. My last was in April of this year. I was 12 weeks. It's hard but it does get better.

One thing that I found that has helped me I learned from a mother who lost her 17 month old to meningitis in May. It is called One Good Thing. Before her daughter was born, she decided that she wanted to help her child cope with disappointments and bad things that happen by finding one good thing that happened as a result. This is not to discount the pain or brush aside suffering or to say it's ok that something bad happened, but to try to find in every bad thing that happens a little nugget of good and hope to help you get through it. Since her daughter died, she is trying to continue the One Good Thing idea and share it in memory of her daughter.

I have been trying to apply this idea to my most recent miscarriage. What I have come up with so far is that my son is going through a difficult adjustment period now that it has sunk in that his sister is staying forever and not being pregnant right now means that I have more energy and patience to help him. He needs me right now and knowing that I have all of my resources to help him is One Good Thing.

There is a facebook page dedicated to it http://www.facebook.com/pages/One-Good-Thing/129955147021030.

I have had 3 miscarriages i never gets easier just different. you will find the strength to try again but wait until you feel its time. so sorry for your loss

I have 3 sons. With the first child I had pre-eclampsia/toxemia. I was sick and almost died after he was born. I actually did not realize how sick I had been till much later. My second child I had complications also. I got pregnant again and miscarried. I had several miscarriages before my first child. The doctor told us with my history we should count our blessings with the two that we have because risking my health could be fatal for me thus leaving my children motherless. We went home and prayed about it and decided that the risk of pregnancy was not worth possible loss of my life. About 2 years later I got pregnant. We were actively trying to avoid this but the Lord had other plans for our family. I was on bedrest a good portion of my pregnancy and had to see the dr. every 2 weeks instead of monthly and daily at the end. If I had anything, heartburn, headache, sick to my stomach, pain anything I had to go in. In the end I had a beautiful boy all natural. I remember being so sad that I would not have anymore children but in the end the Lord already has our lives planned out. He knows how many children we will have and will know if we are to adopt or have bio children. I still think of the children I lost, I always wonder what would have they been like but when I start feeling sad I look at all the blessings I already have been given. If your sadness continues I would talk to the doctor. Your body has been through a lot and the sadness could be from your hormones being out of whack. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless

I am so sorry for your loss. I went through the exact same thing. I have two healthy kids and got pregnant with them when I wanted and then had a miscarriage in November. I was 11 week along, had an ultrasound showing the baby was fine that morning and then had a complete miscarriage that night. I was devastated. My due date came and went (with a couple of friends having babies at the same time too.) I am now pregnant again (in fact my conception date looks like it was right around the time of my due date from the baby that was lost.) I am 9 weeks now, and VERY nervous I will lose this baby too. The pain does get easier to deal with. I will always remember my due date and look forward to seeing that baby in heaven and pray daily for the baby I am carrying now. Try not to listen to negative advise... if you get to a place where you want to try again then that is up to you and your husband.

Hang in there and never lose HOPE. I had surgery in 08 to have more children and we have not gotten a keeper yet. We keep losing them before the 6 weeks mark. See if your doctor will do test for you to see if any of your levels is off if you wish to try again. If there is it is as easy as taking a pill in most cases to build it up where it needs to be. On the pain part you will always miss the little ones that are not here but it does get better. Take your time to cry and let out the pain. I will tell you though to make sure you deal with this lose of things will be very hard. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

I understand what you are feeling. I had my first daughter after 3 years of not being able to get pregnant. She was 11 weeks early & they never found out why. On her first birthday I found out I was pregnant in the AM & had a miscarriage in the afternoon. We were not trying, but we were not using any birth control either. When my daughter was about 2 1/2, I got pregnant again & this time I had a miscarriage at about 9 weeks. I was devastated after that & many people said that maybe I should just be happy that my daughter was now healthy & not try again. I told my husband about 6 months later that we would try for 1 more year (I was 37 at the time) or 1 more pregnancy no matter what the result was. About 1 year after the second miscarriage I got pregnant again. I was very nervous & thought that I would have another miscarriage. Well I didn't & at 38 weeks I had a beautiful healthy girl. That was almost 6 years ago. Our family wasn't complete until then. Only you know when that will happen for your family. You & your husband need to decide if you are done. Good Luck.

Hi S.
I'm sorry for your losses. No one can tell you how to or how long to grieve. You will heal from this, but time will have to be your key. I suffered a loss at about 10 weeks along a few years ago - I am still feeling emotional effects from this. I too had a healthy first pregnancy and healthy baby. Only God knows what is going on. It sounds like you have a great support system with your family and friends. Have you tried counseling or a support group? Sometimes it just helps to talk about your feelings without getting advice. I went to see a person a few times (who was not related to me) and it helped just to talk through my feelings. Expressing your feelings, I think, is a step in the direction towards healing. It was helpful because this person was not trying to offer advice, personal advice, about how to handle my situation. I think it's helpful to talk with family and friends, but it hurts when inappopriate advice has been given, especially if the person has not had this experience. Time has helped me get through the tough part. Not that I will ever forget what happened, but moving forward is a continuous healing process. You WILL heal from your losses, but I believe that time is the key factor. I'm really sorry that your mom is telling you how to feel. I too felt like the pain and emotional exhaustion would never go away and it also hurt that my husband was grieving in a different way than I was. It's OK to feel this way. This is a part of healing. I hope you find peace with your journey towards healing. Feel free to contact me if you need to.

All the best
P.

The pain may not ever "go away," but it will lessen. You're grieving and in a very vulnerable spot right now. Your mom may mean well, but perhaps it would be better to "turn off your ears" when she brings up the subject, because it's obviously hurting you. Life is tough; you're hurting right now; this is normal and to be expected. I'm sorry you're going through this and it sucks. Take your time and grieve.