Still Struggling with Miscarriage 3 Months Later

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I too have experienced the heartache of losing a baby while watching others go on to have theirs. In one specific case, it was my neighbor, whose backyard is kitty-corner to mine.

We found out that we were both expecting, 6 weeks along, with due dates only days apart. Soon after, I lost my baby. The rest of the summer, I watched her as she worked in her yard and around her house- her belly growing nice and round while mine was empty. (I'm sure you can relate to the feelings I experienced all summer long. I actually felt physically ill.)

I continued trying to become pregnant again, to "catch up" to her- and where I was "supposed" to be- but month after month, I failed to conceive. I was in such a hurry to get pregnant again that I began taking my temperature, buying ovulation predictor kits, and timing intercourse- all to no avail. I became so consumed with the process that I experinced a great deal of stress and depression. Finally, a visit to the doctor confirmed what I suspected- I had stopped ovulating altogether.

It all culminated one cold October morning, a week before my due date, when I watched the flurry of activity and excitement at my neighbor's house, as family gathered, and she climbed into the car with her husband and her pillow, headed to the hospital. At that point, I let go. The "race" was over. I finally accepted the fact that she was having a baby and I was not. I made a decision to be happy about the pink balloons floating on their mailbox, and love the little baby girl- although she was not mine.

I'm not saying that you should "suck it up" and choose to be happy for your friends right now. What I am saying is that I've been in your shoes and I know how hard it can be. I also know, having been there, that it will get better in time. I would advise you though, not to become obsessed or bitter over your situation. Making the decision to focus on others' blessings rather than my own misfortune was the only thing that saved me from years of unhappiness.

In the end, the very next month- when I quit caring, quit trying, and the "little dark cloud" had lifted- I did become pregnant again. Although I have gone on to have several more babies since, I still look at my neighbor's little girl and wonder about mine. Nothing can replace that part of me that was lost, but I accept that and move on, knowing that the experience has changed me for the better.

You may continue to struggle around your friends for some time- especially until they actually deliver- but the key to moving on is in acceptance. Only then will you be able to find true peace and happiness.

I wish you all the best.

C., mommy to 6 beautiful children

J.:

I can completely understand your feelings. I personally went through three miscarriages before I finally had my son, Max, who is now 9 months old and a very happy, healthy, and pretty darn cool little kid. I can feel your pain. I had lots of friends getting pregnant during the time period that I was losing pregnancies. Only close friends knew about the second and third miscarriages, but, everyone knew about the first one because I, too, was excited and spilled the "beans" immediately. Just when I thought I might not have kids, it happened and it worked out. I can tell you I was scared ot death. I also went through the grieving process, then I was mad, then I just didn't want to care about it for a while. I didn't my pregnant friends to feel uncomfortable talking to me either. I tried to be positive and happy for others and, generally, I really was. I was also sad for myself and for the babies I didn't get to have. Sometimes, I'm still sad when I think about it. None of that sounds as positive as I wanted to be in this message. I just want you to know that you WILL get through it and that you shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad sometimes. You will get past it and move on and you are not alone. Good luck with everything.

J.,

I also miscarried at 10 weeks along in my first pregnancy and remember very well the grief that stayed with me until I became pregnant again. The second time was a charm and I had a healthy baby boy, now 20 years old. Having a miscarriage is much the same as experiencing a death, it is a death to the mother so the saddness and grief can't really be swept away easily. Your pregnancy ended for a reason, something wasn't right or else it would have gone to term. Just keep trying and I can assure you that when you do find yourself with another child most of that grief will lessen. Time is on your side, be patient and even if you can't be entirely happy for your friends and co-workers that are having babies right now, just remember, YOUR day is still out there, it has a date and it will arrive.

Blessings to you,
S.

I too lost a baby in 2006. 3 months is definitely still very new for your loss. You had so much invested in this baby. He/She was already a living person. It is a death in the family.

I remember my cousin having a baby shower 5 months after my loss and not being able to handle going to it. But the advice I would give you is to talk to your pregnant friends and let them know that you are still greiving and please not to take offense if you don't seem as supportive as you would like to be. I told my cousin that I was so happy for her but if I didn't come across that way it was because I was dealing with my own issues. It seemed to make it easier to hear her talk about her pregnancy knowing she knew what I was feeling.

I feel very sad for your loss. I too lost my baby girl (at 21 weeks) 3 1/2 years ago. I understand your pain. It was a year before I could attend a baby shower or even a party with young children in attendance. It seemed like everyone I knew was pregnant and having babies during this painful time. Be kind to yourself, give yourself the time to heal (you will)and don't worry what others think. At the time I was sure everyone thought I was overreacting and just crazy, but it turned out I was wrong. I don't know what area you are in, but there is an absolutely fantastic perinatal grief and loss support group out of Huron Valley Sinai Hospital in Commerce Twp. called HUGS (Help Understanding Grief and Loss). This group probably saved my life. I don't attend anymore but I would be glad to give you more information or to talk if you want.

Hang in there,
Jennifer

J.,

My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage after we had been trying to get pregnant for 10 months. I was only 9 weeks along but I was completely devestated.

Here are some things that helped me cope. I had the hospital send me the ultrasound picture from when the baby still had a heartbeat, I saved all the cards that I recieved and a blanket someone had made for the baby, we planted a tree for the baby that I plant flowers around every spring, we got that baby a special ornament for the Christmas tree. There's also a book that REALLY helped me, it's called A Silent Sorrow By: Ingrid Kohn.

After 3 months I was still having a hard time too. Everytime I got my period it reminded me that I wasn't pregnant. I skipped certain family events and didn't attend baby showers or parties that I know would have lots of babies or pregnant people. I really had a rough time with it.

The only thing that helped me was time and that I finally got pregnant and stayed pregnant 6 months later. You definitely never "get over it". The experience will always be with you because it's a part of who you are. But things WILL get easier!

What you are feeling is normal. You may just need to distance yourself from your pergnant friends for a little while in order to give yourself time to heal. I know it is very difficult to be happy for someone when you have just experienced a loss like that. I have been where you are and my best friend and I got pregnant with in 3 weeks of eachother, and it was very difficult to talk to her until I became pregnant again, I think this was mostly because she had became pregnant on accident and did not want a baby at that time in her life, and my husband and I had been trying for over a year. I wish you luck and if you need to feel free to pm me. I am more than happy to be a support person for you.

Hi J.,

I suffered a miscarriage, also. It's not an easy thing to get over. I had a few friends who were due the same time as I would have been. I felt the same animosity as you did, but tried not to let it bother me. It was hard to feel happy for them, when I just went through a miscarriage. The thing I realized though was there was not something right with the baby and this was nature way of taking care of things. A few months later my husband and I tried again, and now I have a healthy 3 month old baby girl. So, don't let the stress get to you. Be happy for what you have, and try again.

I wish you the best of luck,

J.

J. ~
First of all, give yourself some time to grieve. It's OK. Yes, it was early, but you still had hopes and dreams for this baby. It's OK to be happy for your friends, you're not neglecting your loss. See if there is a bereavement group at your hospital, or in your area. Perhaps it would help. Your friends also probably feel guilty around you, I know my girlfriend and her sister-in-law were pregnant at the same time, and when the sister-in-law miscarried, my friend felt guilty every time she mentioned anything about her pregnancy.

Second of all, you've probably been told, but most women have a first trimester miscarriage. It happens more often than most people realize. There is nothing you did to cause it, nor could you have prevented it. It's a matter of biology, something wasn't forming correctly. Most women also are able to go ahead and get pregnant again with no problems at all.

You've had some good ideas, planting a tree or something to remember your baby is a great idea. Give yourself time, it's OK to grieve, to cry, to wish... Write in a journal, how you were feeling, how excited you were about the pregnancy, what you went through with the loss. Often, writing things down will help.

So sorry for everything you've gone through.
D.

I have never had a miscarriage, thank God. But I did struggle with infertility for seven years. 4 years before having my Daughter and three years before having my twin boys. I know what you mean in not being able to share in others happiness. I just want to let you know that I to thought it would never be my turn. But God willing I now have my three kids. It may seem like an impossible wait when you are going month by month, you just never know when or if it will happen. Be strong and pray everyday for a happy, healthy, beautiful baby. It works!
May the lord bless you with a baby to love.

Your baby is still a baby whether he was born healthy at 9 months or taken too soon at 8 weeks. You need to mourn the loss of your child. Maybe seek counseling. Tell your friends how you feel. A good friend will understand. So sorry for your loss.

HI J. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I know how you feel. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks in august (my husband thought I'd die it was so bad),my sister had her baby the day before I lost mine. And 3 of my other friends are still pg and due around the same time I was as well.

We'd had a family vacation planned as a gift from a friend that was the week after. So I had the advantage of recovering some in the woods and away from home. But it was very hard coming home. My daughter went to kindergarten the day after we got home too.

It took a while before I could stop crying, and after a few months months I could be around my pg friends and not cry the whole time. I finally saw my newest niece at 13 weeks. But as I get closer to my due date I notice I'm more blue around my cycle (and it's not back to normal yet - so neither are my hormones I'd guess).
This is a grief that has a life cycle of 9 months, most people don't seem to understand that. I'm using progest cream to help balance my hormones and slowly I'm getting back to normal. My suggestions are to eat the best foods you can, and to exercise a few times a week, get enough sleep, and seek counseling if you need it. I think I ran on my machine an hour every day for a month.

I also found out I'm gluten intolerant, and that can cause a miscarriage as well. 1% of the population doesn't tolerate gluten so if your interested in more info get "The Gluten Connection: How gluten sensitivity may be sabotaging your health--and what you can do to take control NOW Shari Lieberman, PhD, CNS, FACN, with Linda Segall" There's a whole chapter on testing for it, cause it's tricky.

I wish you the very best. A. H

I am so sorry for your loss. 3 months is such a short time in terms of the grieving process. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to heal. The coping does get easier as the months go on. You won't feel this acute pain forever, it is just one step in the process. Don't worry about what your friends think, they'll understand. This is still a fresh wound, and you will feel better. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

I am so sorry for your loss~ it is a hard time for any woman. I still wonder about mine. I only had one, but I was lucky enough to have my son.

The key thing is to remember that you are not alone, it does happen and that little one's spirit (soul) is still with you... (if you believe in guardian spirits)

I never properly got over mine until I read a book in my Massage Class from one of the instructor's "Healing with your Angels" (or one of them from Doreen Virtue?). Basically, for moms that lost a child or miscarried it stated that little soul was with the mother until she conceived again. It made me cry, but the strangest thing: after I just finished reading that line about that soul being reborn to the mother, my son came into the room saying he loved me... It could have easily have been hubby, but it was him... I took it as a positive sign even if it was a coincidence!

This was the only thing that helped me the most out of the normal 'it's for the best' or 'something could have been terribly wrong', etc., etc. and etc.

You will eventually get over it in your own time as time does heal all wounds.

When you are ready to try again, as this may help you:
I'm not sure of your situation, but I was also full of meds due to a bad cold at the time. We wanted to try again, so I purged my system and did a cleanse. I stayed away from anything 'bad' for my body. I just relaxed and we tried. Now, when I see my clients this is what I tell them when I work with them: See it happening. See yourself as already having that child. Let your stresses, worries and anxieties release with these muscles and it can happen.

I have had a few people have luck that I know about and reported back - a good friend of mine, that was really wanting a child now has twins with me using positive imagery.

Dear J.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that it is a real loss to you and it is okay to grieve. The thing that I did when I had a loss was to try to tell myself that I was sad about losing my baby, but that I could be joyful for other new babies of friends and relatives. My sister-in-law had a beautiful baby girl within a couple of weeks of my loss, and I drove right over and held that baby and cooed over her. then I got in my car to leave and sobbed for a few minutes. It helped me to separate my grief with my joys (those other babies) , so that I could keep going, but not make other people uncomfortable with me and sad over having what I did not have. I have not suffered, as you have, over fertility problems, which I know is a very real suffering, but I know that you do not want to lose the friends that you have by being unable to rejoice with them when they rejoice and grieve with them when they grieve.

Also, grieving takes time, and emotional energy. Yoy may find yourself having a crying jag at different points in the year, without consciously being aware of it. The time when the baby was due, the time that you lost the baby will come back to you, and it helped me to know that, so that I could identify later, that the grieving was really what was going on. God bless you.

Hey there. Let me first say I am sorry to hear about your loss. I misscarried in my first trimester too (about three years ago) so I can relate to that experience. I elected not to get the DNC but to let my body miscarry at its own rate (which took a week or two). That was HARD! I think that choice also effected my grieving process as well, since I had regular reminders that I was no longer pregnant.

So MANY women experience this so I am sure you will find other "sisters" who have experienced miscarriage to reach out to. Keep reaching out, you are not alone.

My first thought is to use your support system and tell them what you really feel. Share without judging yourself or your thoughts. Prayer, journaling, crying,and focusing on the good things that remain in my life also were a tremendous help. Go at your own pace. It took me a while to hold babies after the miscarriage. One niece was born later within the year that I miscarried and I could barely stand to hold her for long becuase it brought up grief issues for me. At first I felt guilty about that and some family members even insisted that I hold her more often but I deferred to taking it slow and being extra gentle with me. I love her (as I did when I first met her) AND I needed to show it in little pieces until more healing happened in my heart.

Remember that miscarriage effects the husband as well. He may grieve differently, but its a loss for him too. Pray for him as well, and keep your friendship strong so you stay close. My husband isn't really expressive when it comes to emotions so I used to view it as my miscarriage. In time, I realized that he needed to grieve too--just in a different way.

2 words of encouragement stuck with me after my miscarriage. Pastor Edgar Van preached that "a bend in the road isn't the end of the road." That brought so much comfort to me when I heard that that I never forgot it. In my case, I was eventually able to have children after the miscarriage (2 girls). Many women are able to give birth after a miscarriage--so let that give hope.

The second inspirational words came when I watched Sheryl Crow when she was on Oprah (this is years ago). Oprah was asking her about how she kept it together when she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after the engagement to Lance Armstrong was called off. Oprah called those experienced defining moments, but Sheryl corrected her and said that those were NOT defining moments but REFINING moments. WOW!!!!! Once I was able to make the mental shift from the miscarriage defining me and to letting that experience refine my character and (eventually faith)I came away from it stronger. In time girl. All of this takes effort and time.

Speaking about time, there was a period when I was upset with God. I was eventually able to work through that and I can share more if you are interested.

Finally, expect there to be a soft spot in your heart with regard to this pregnancy/loss. I still get choked up about it (even though I was able to have kids afterwards). When you are a person who dreams big and cares deeply experiences like these effect you. Again, let it REFINE you, not define you.

I hope this is helpful. I'll pray for you.

Take care,
N.

It takes time. I have had 3 miscarriages and am now 14 weeks pregnant. The majority of women I know had 1-3 miscarriages before delivering a baby, which I didn't know until I made mine public. It is extremely common and a way for your body to start getting prepared for the real thing. Let your body heal and try again. Good Luck!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I loss my first child in 2001. It was extremely difficult. I remember being so frustrated and lonely because no one seemed to understand how I felt. It seemed as if everyone was going on with their lives while mine was over.
The first step for me was to learn that no one was going to feel like I do and they don't understand. Not unless they had been through it. I remember reading books on how to deal with the loss of a baby. I remember one day my mom and I was talking and we both ended up crying over the phone. It was at that time I realized how the loss of the baby was effecting other people and not just me.
It does get better with time. I can now talk about my baby without breaking down into tears. But, you will never forget your baby. I think one just learns how to cope with it overtime.
I have gone on to have two boys (2 and 4 years old) and I still feel that someone is missing. Like apart of my family is not hear and it makes me sad.
eight weeks is not alot of time. Don't feel like you should be done grieving.

Hi J.,
It think just be gentle with yourself. 3 months is a short time to heal from loosing a life inside you.
I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and I still think about her and how old she would be now and what we would be doing as a family together.(she would be 3yrs. old). It will always stay with you but you will be able to move forward.
You had a life pass through you and that is a defining moment in your life. I remember when it first happened to me I had to go to my OBGYN every other day to check and make sure my hormone levels were dropping. I was so angry inside when I would see the pregnant moms in the waiting room. I was suppose to be pregnant too, why do they get to have their babies and not me, it still brings a tear to my eye as I write this. It will get easier and you will be ok. Don't rush your feelings they are what they are.
My heart goes out to you.
~M.

Dear J.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have a lot of advice to give, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I miscarried in early December, and I can really relate to what you write. I am doing fairly well, but I feel like I am surrounded by pregnant women or moms with new babies. I honestly can't think of a time when I knew more pregnant women. I was praying for these pregnant women daily and was so very excited and happy to add myself to the list, but after I miscarried, I have to admit that it took me a while before I could pray for all of the expectant moms I know. It is especially difficult that at least two of the pregnant women I know were "surprised" by their pregnancies since they hadn't planned to have more children.
I guess my advice is to allow yourself to grieve. If there are times when you can't feel happy for your pregnant friends, don't be h*** o* yourself. If you friends have much compassion, they will understand. I will pray that things get easier.
Sincerely,
Rachael

Dear J.,

I'm so sorry you are hurting still, but understand that its totally normal! Allow yourself room to grieve. It wouldn't hurt to seek out some people to talk through your feelings with. People who will be supportive and nurturing, and if that means finding an professional counselor, then do that! Its important for you to go through the grief process so you can move on in life in a healthy way.

Have you shared your miscarriage experience with your coworkers? If not it might help. Just so they know there's a reason why you aren't as excited and supportive as you might've been otherwise.

Miscarriage is a very hard thing and each woman experiences it differently. Having another baby right away isn't going to make the feelings go away either. Its just something that you'll need to work through and heal from. Blessings to you in this hard time!

Please be gentle and patient with yourself. You are grieving, and that's so normal, no matter how you might feel pressure to be done with it or not make a big deal out of it. There was a little book around at one point called ENDED BEGINNINGS. It had quotes from women who'd lost babies in various ways, and was very affirming and reassuring. I have a dear friend who has 4 grown kids but had a number of miscarriages and some infertility in that process. She is a sweet, Christian gal who confessed to me once that, after one of her miscarriages, she actually prayed for a neighbor to lose her baby, a 3rd or 4th child she'd gotten pregnant with so very easily. It's hard to rejoice for others when you're still hurting! I'd say it takes at least a year to get out of active mourning - sometimes more, sometimes less. Don't worry. Whatever you're feeling is where you are right now. It's a journey and it will take time. If you can't deal with baby showers and stuff right now, just send a gift and say you're sorry but you have other plans. Then do something sweet for yourself. One day you'll be holding your own (next) baby and then you can heal on a deeper level, but you'll always miss this one and wish it hadn't been this way. It's OK! God bless you! Sometimes journalling or writing a letter to your baby and putting it away in a special place helps.

I was in the same boat with my 3rd. miscarraige. I look at it as you are morning so all these feelings you are having are completely normal. If it bothers you that much to here about there happiness. Also if they are your true friends and or family that cares. They will understand when you politely let them know that you are very excited and happy for them and there situation. But at this time you need some space to deal with your lose and you need not to hear of there joy all the time. When you are ready you will let them know. Meanwhile you deal with you. I can also say if you getting pregnant is always on your mind it won't happen as soon as you forget about it and live your life, take care of you, and your husband. It will happen. From a mom who has had 3 miscarrages and But also have had 4 Healthy and beautiful children looking forward to another miscarrage and child. Just take your days as they come enjoy every moment you can with those who care and love you. Enjoy your life, things will work the way they shall. God has an eye on you and everyone else. Look to him when it gets tough hes there to help. God Bless best of luck!

I miscarried the first time I was pregnant also. Still wonder about what the child would have been like, but the pain is not there anymore. I know have a 4 year old and my daughter will be 12 next week! Anyways, realize that your friends feel sad for your loss as well. Realize your not alone with this. Your dreams for motherhood can still come true. I think of those moms at the U of M hospital sitting by the bedside praying that thier little one will live. My sister-in-law who tried to have a child for 8 years and found out she'll never be able to have one. I'm thankful and more understanding now. Time, friends, family and able to have 2 healthy kids have helped me heal. Your doing the right thing seeking support! Hang in there!

I have not had a miscarriage but I have friends who have and they have all said that as soon as they found out that they were pregnant they became a Mother to that child. You are grieving for the loss of your Child and that is very real. Allow yourself to grieve! If you are a Christian you may want to turn to prayer and ask God to help you during this time!
Blessings, K.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I had a stillborn daughter 14 years ago. Her name was Cheyenne. I still go to her grave quite often and think of her each and every day. It is something I don't think I will ever get over but I have learned to cope with it. I now have 2 other healthy children and although they don't take the place of her, they have blessed my life tremendously. Although we may not understand why things happen, I truly believe that God knows what is best. I believe that my baby did not live because she would have had disabilities and never be able to live a fulfilling life. I would not want to see her suffer on a daily basis. It would not be fair to her. I know she is in a better place and I will hold her again one day. Pray that God blesses you with another child and until then, share in the joy of your friends' babies. All babies are a blessing and enjoying them is a wonderful thing. I wish you all the best. God bless you. :)

I went through the same thing for a few years. I know it is not the best advice, but don't give up hope! We had to finally turn to infertility for success, but now I have two beautiful 4 month old twins! It is hard to think it will happen, but take the same energy you had planning for the baby when you were pregnant to visualize and believe that it will happen some day. I can tell you that I seem to appreciate more everyday what I have because of the struggles we went through compared to many of my friends who get stressed about the little things with their babies. I know what you mean though, I remember so many people getting pregnant and seeing pregnant people everywhere during my most difficult and hopeless times. It is hard to put on that happy face for others, but please DO NOT give up hope.

What you are feeling is completely normal. I have a miscarriage about two years ago. It was very early...but still hard. I was able to get pregnanat again about 2 mos later and now have a wonderful 14 mos old daughter. I still think about the other baby from time to time. And I too was jealous and upset hearing about other pregnancies before I got pregnant again.

I had a good friend who had a baby with a life threatening illness. They didn't detect it during her pregnancy. The baby lived about 3mos. I consoled myself with the fact that most miscarriages happend because the baby would not survive.

Good luck to you.

J.,

I am so sorry about your loss. All the feelings you are having are normal. Let yourself grieve the baby that you lost. It is going to be very difficult when people close to you become pregnant or have their babies. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage and my second pregnancy ended in the full term loss of my daughter. She was stillborn at 37.5 weeks. I am in the process of getting a pregnancy and infant loss support group going downriver. Meetings will be in Taylor. I'm not sure where you are located but I would be happy if you could join us. I'm just waiting on confirmation of our meeting location, date and time. In the meantime, the National Share Office has great message boards for people who experience pregnancy and infant loss. Their main website is www.nationalshareoffice.com. You can feel free to email me anytime. I will also PM you my phone number if you need to talk.

I've never miscarried (Thank God). However, with my first daughter I was pregnant with four other friends. We were all due between November and late December. One of the friends miscarried. Her older son was 3 or 4 at the time, maybe even older I don't recall and she had a hard time conceiving (like you) and was really looking forward to it. Over the course of the summer there were times when we would be talking about the baby or the nurseries we were doing and she would walk away. As we moved into fall I noticed that it happened a lot less - and she was seeking out our company still. I asked her about it later, after my daughter was born (the only girl in the bunch) and she said that for her it got easier as time went on. We were together a couple weekends ago after not seeing each other for a long time and when she hugged my oldest, there wasn't any pain in her eyes either. I think that in time it does get better. At the same time, we also tried to be sensitive of the topic around her. Do your friends know you were pregnant? If they don't maybe them knowing that you recently miscarried would help them be thoughtful - they can still talk about the pregnancy but be sensitive at the same time.

I am sorry for your loss. I think that the feelings that you are having are natural and will subside over time. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks two years ago, and I had some of the same feelings that you are having. It's not uncommon to start planning and dreaming the instant you find out you're pregnant, probably even when you start trying to have a baby. You fall in love with that child the moment that you know he/she exists. I was devastated and needed time to heal. It is difficult to be around other women who are experiencing what you wanted, and although it's a part of life, it still hurts. (The day that I had my miscarriage, my husband's best friend found out that they were having twins. I understand how you feel!)...Please just give yourself as much time as you need. You can't make yourself feel something that you don't...Something that I did that made things a little easier was finding something to honor your baby. There was a song that was popular around the time that I miscarried. Everytime I hear that song, I still think of my baby and oddly enough, I find some comfort in it. My husband gave me a little figurine that we have sitting by our bed. These two small things helped me feel a little bit of calm. I am sure that after you give yourself some time to heal- however long you need - you will be able to find some of your own comfort. Many prayers are sent your way!

Hi J.
I too miscarried this year, was only 6 weeks along. We had been trying for a few months, which seemed like forever. So when we got pregnant we were so super excited and told all of our immediate family and oh it was just so wonderful. Then we miscarried. No one in my family has ever miscarried, no one. We never expected it to happen to us, so it was very hard, even though it was so early.

Things got easier when we became pregnant again. Not sure if you have other kids, but focusing on my daughter and just holding her a lot helped also. Things still will throw me into tears. Like when a friend announced they were 6 weeks pregnant a month after we lost our baby. That was just devestating to me. And this may seems silly but that pregnant teenager show was on when we miscarried and then it ended. When the show started up again recently for the next season it was really rough. For weeks I cried at every commercial, even though we are now pregnant. It's a loss and I think there will always be things that will bring up those feelings. Try communicating the best you can with others what you feel your needs are. Even those that have been through it might not know what you need from them. Especially when we try to seem like we're strong and ok, but inside it just hurts.

Many blessings

N.

Turn to God. He knows how you feel. He also lost a child that He loved. Jesus Christ. For us. It can help you to heal. That, and time.

S.

J., I'm very sorry to hear about loss. Miscarriages are lighter (not easy) for some people to get through, but for others it's very difficult. I'm surprised that the hospital/doctor didn't suggest anything to you to deal with the situation. I suffered a miscarriage almost 10 years ago (speculated to may have been twins so it would've been my 2-3), and it was hard not knowing actually if I was pregnant with twins and just the unknown period. Plus, I wasn't able to really be around my boyfriend at the time for support. My sister was pregnant as well and I was excited to be an aunt again.

So your feelings are normal, allow yourself to feel. Talk to your pastor or someone at your church (if you belong to one)about it. If you don't belong to one, contact a local hospital and tell them that you're looking for assistance with finding a support group (or phone hotline) that you can call to discuss your loss. You have to work it out or you won't be able to move on. I now have an 8 year old daughter, that I wouldn't be blessed with if I allowed myself to remain in that mode. I tell her she's my 3rd or 4th child, because I refuse to not acknowledge my baby. He/She (one or two) are my angels for the rest of my life, and that's how I look at it. The Lord took my baby to look over me with him. You can never have too many angels, try welcoming yours.

I hope this helped you in some way. When you're ready to release some of your pain, you will and it will get better one day at a time. I still think about my baby (babies)and always will, but it changes (outlook) as time goes by. I'm praying for you.

Take care,

A

J.,
You got a lot of great responses, but I just wanted to give you another.
I miscarried before I had my daughter. I was devastated. I cried at the drop of a hat. It took me a long time to get over it...well, I say "get over it", but really it is more...I was able to move on and not think about that little baby as much. I still think about that baby every once in a while (it was about 5 years ago).
The only advice I can give, is to give yourself time to grieve. Whatever you need to do. And make sure you talk to your spouse about it, or with someone else you are close to. Opening up about it, will help you cope.
Miscarriage's are a completely natural process. Your body is learning to make a baby. It happens more times then most people say. It is not always a "top of discussion", and I think that is why a lot of mothers have a hard time dealing with it. It is not something that is expected.
80% of the women in my family have had miscarriages. The people that haven't had a miscarriage, are the "lucky" ones.
Know that life will not always be this way, and you will continue on. Just be true to that little one and grieve:(
I am sorry for your loss.

Hi J.,

I know you've gotten a lot of responses but I just thought I'd let you know that I'm going through a difficult time as well and I understand your pain. I was 10 weeks last Friday and went to my OB and found out there was no heartbeat. So that baby is gone and I am still devistated. I've been down a long road as well and it is very unfair. My cousin is currently pregnant and althrough I am happy for her, it is upsetting to be around her. Especially since she just takes everything for granted.

You have every right to greive. You lost your baby. Alot of people dont' look at miscarrages the same as still borns or death of a child, but it is the same. It was a life, growing inside of you. I lost my first, believe it or not, 29 years ago, and I still miss her. I was 14 weeks along, and she was alive when I passed her. It was very hard being around co workers that were due around the same time as I was due, the whole floor of the place I worked seemed like they were pregnant. Big joke, dont drink out of our drinking fountain. And, my aunt had a baby within a month of my miscarriage. Our two would have graduated together, so my cousins graduation was a real tough one for me also. I do have three grown children now, love them all to pieces, but I still my my little girl, who isn't here. Don't feel bad about hurting listening and seeing other women. Its natural, but you will get through it. I also had two other miscarriages inbetween pregnancys, I had alot of crude in my uterus, is what the doctor told me after some of the D&Cs. Just remember, you have the right to morn. Good luck to you.

J.,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. While I have not had to experience the pain of a lossed pregnancy, I was in the reverse situation - when I was pregnant with my first child, one of my closest friends also found out she was pregnant. We were due right around the same time but at about 8 weeks, she lost her baby. I didn't know what to say to her and finally we sat down and talked about it. She said that, yes, it was difficult to watch me but made sure I knew she was very happy for me. She said that the thing that helped her most was joining a support group of other women who had the same experience so that she could talk openly with them without worrying about hurt feelings. She had worked long and hard to get pregnant (at that point, she'd been trying for a year and a half) and to lose that baby was devastating (especially sice she had taken great care of her body). The irony is that when she went off of the fertility treatments and she and her husband "took a break" from actively trying to have a baby, she got pregnant! So, for her, the stress of the situation had hurt her chances. Best of luck and I hope you will find the same peace she now has.

J.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a child, my sister-in-law did. Time will help heal your wounds. My sister-in-law puts out flowers on what would've been the little girls due date. She always remembers her at Christmas with a special ornament. I usually make a dontation to St. Jude or Make a wish foundation in memory of her because she likely would have had many health issues. Anyway, as I said I haven't been through it, so I can't give you advice on that. However, she eventually got pregnant again (which is REALLY hard for her). We were delighted she was able to have another girl and tells her about her sister in heaven. And her daughter will be 5 this summer and will be getting another sister. Another miracle in itself. Don't give up hope, there will be more babies and not that they replace the first....but just try to move forward. Maybe you should think - when you hear some else is pregnant around the same time your little one was due.....maybe it's her way of saying mom - I'm ok and I'm in a better place....waiting for the day we can meet. :)

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. I have been there two times. My first pregnancy and then another after my second child. I'm speaking from my sister in laws point of view though in this story. My brother and her had been trying to 2 years to get pregnant and when they finally did, everyone was so excited for them. I was also pregnant for my third child after my second miscarriage and her 2 best friends were all pregnant and two family members, so she really really struggled. She was tortured at work, home and with family. Everyone kept asking her when her due date was (not knowing that she had lost the baby) and if they didn't even know that she was pregnant and had lost the baby, many people kept saying 'everyone else is pregnant, when is it going to be your turn' and this lasted for about 3 months. It was really h*** o* her and my brother both. They had to leave rooms to compose themselves more than once. Basically like some others have said you have to go through the acceptance stage, which is probably the hardest to go through. You have to remember to be happy for your friend, but she also needs to understand your feelings also. I also need to add that she is my best friend so it was very hard to avoid her but, I did that for awhile because I didn't want to upset her. Then when I was around her I would wear the biggest clothes I could find thinking I could kind of hide. She now has a very healthy 8 month old little girl and she said the same thing that I did. You just have to have faith in God that there is a plan. She wouldn't have this perfect little baby girl now if she hadn't miscarried. God was sparing us for some reason. It is not for us to know only to believe. Please hang in there, it really does get better. I know you've probably been told that many many times and it sure doesn't feel that way, but it does. You will never forget and there will be times when you will unexpectedly tear up, because something will remind you, but there will be a time when you're okay with it. I still tear up on days like today which was the due date of the baby that I miscarried first and that was 12 years ago! But had that not happened I wouldn't have my first born either who was born Aug of the same year!! Sorry this is so long, but it is also good therapy to talk about it, even when it is hard to do!!!!