In Need of Help Dealing with a Miscarriage

Updated on May 20, 2008
R.F. asks from Guthrie, TX
83 answers

I recently had a miscarriage and am struggling to make sense of all of the emotions I am feeling. I have two beautiful babies, ages two years and 10 months and am so shocked at how hard this has been for me. The pregnancy wasn't planned, and I was so scared when I found out. Part of me didn't want to be pregnant, most especially when the morning sickness and fatigue set in. Yet, I was/am absolutely devastated with this loss. I hardly talk to anyone about it because none of my close friends have had a miscarriage, and I feel silly? crying to them. In a way, I am feeling as if my grief is unjustified. My husband listens but clearly hasn't been affected the way I have. One minute I am sad and the next I am feeling so blessed and happy with my two beautiful darlings. It is so confusing. Sometimes I feel as if I am avoiding the grief and it is coming out in other ways. Any help on what to expect and how to cope?

P.S. Now all I can think about is having another baby?????????

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M.Y.

answers from Dallas on

It would be worth it for you to see a professional counselor for a few times. What you are experiencibg is normal grieving and you mst go through it to get to the 'other side'. A counselor can help you sort out those feelings and lessen the pain. Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A.H.

answers from Dallas on

I have also had a miscarriage, and it is very difficult to get over whether it was planned or not. I felt the same things you are feeling, and I wanted a baby more than ever. We do have a beautiful little girl that is now 2, and that helped a lot. I still think about the baby that I lost and get sad, but I understand that if I had that child I would not have my little girl. This for me puts everything into perspective. Everything happens for a reason. You might not know why at the time, but I believe in time you will understand. Don't be afraid to talk to people, and if you need to go to a professional to talk that is okay as well. The pain does get better over time. Just take each day at a time.

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S.H.

answers from Dallas on

What helped me was to make a "memory box" for the baby. I found poems and such on the internet, wrote a letter to the baby and cried my eyes out, bought a few little trinkets, and decorated up a box to keep. I think just getting it out of my system and working thru it... rather than trying to "wish it away". For me, it took crying my eyes out. Hope this helps.

More Answers

B.C.

answers from Dallas on

I lost a baby (tubal pregnancy) 2 years ago. After my surgery, I had floods of different emotions run through me at different times. Nothing seemed fair. We had tried for that pregnancy, and it got taken from us. My hubby got over it alot sooner than I did, and that hurt. But time will help. Nothing more. You will get lots of people, who don't know what they're talking about, telling you "it was meant to be", and other such nonsense. Just ignore their ignorance, and know that they mean well. I know that you're hurting and the fact that all you can think about is another baby is completely natural! I was obsessed with getting pregnant afterwards, until Oct. 24th, 2007, when I finally gave birth to my baby, Aubrey.
Try not to keep your emotions all bottled up. Find someone, preferably your husband, to talk to about how you're feeling.
I am very sorry for your loss! I wish you and your family the very best!

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J.C.

answers from Dallas on

I have not had a miscariage but my best friend lost her baby last year. I know that this is absolutely devestating for you. She too avoided the grieif and wanted to have a baby soon after. The feelings are normal. But having a baby this soon could be hard. You may be trying to replace the baby that you lost and that is not healthy. You have to grieve the loss. Name your baby. Talk to your baby. Take time and feel the feelings. God has a reason for everything that he does. And remember "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it".

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C.B.

answers from Dallas on

It is amazing how many responses you have gotten already. I read about 10 and had to stop to write a message to you. I am so sorry for your lose and know what you are going through. No matter what anyone says to you, it does not make you feel any better. There was a time when I thought - if anyone says, it happened for a reason, there was something wrong with the baby, consider it a blessing - I was going to punch them in the face. It is amazing how attached you become to your unborn child, at 8 weeks, you are already thinking what sex it will be, the name you will give, and what the future holds for you and your children. Unless you have experienced a miscarriage, you have know idea what pain you hold inside. But somehow, you keep forging on tyring your best to put on a happy face.

I tried for 5 years to have a baby and now I have a 3 year old. (It was truly a miracle birth). That is a whole other story. Since, I have experienced 2 miscarriages. Why, we don't know, but I could not escape the pain. There are so many people that don't want babies and have them, and then there are those who want nothing more but to have a family and are unable to conceive or somehow loose them.

I do have an inspriational story that got me through the grief and somehow gave me some comfort. I always wondered about my babies that I had lost. Did they have a soul, would I ever see them again? Why did they leave? One night my 2 year old daughter gave me the answer that I was so sadley seeking.

The night after my surgery from my second miscarriage, I was rocking my little girl to sleep. We just got done saying our prayers and I said: "Amen". My 2 year old look up at the ceiling and said, "Mommy look at the baby, ohh, it's is so cute. This went on for some time, repeating the same words. She could not get over this little baby that she was seeing. I held her and cried, (being totally freaked out) and put her to bed. I told by husband about it, and then cried my self to sleep. The next night, she did the same thing after I said: "Amen". This time she said: "look at the baby, ahh, the baby is swinging Mommy, it is sooo cute". I just sat there in the rocking chair holding my little girl in the dark wishing that I could see my baby too!

A few days later I went back to the doctor because I was having a lot of pain and unfortunately passed my baby's umbilical cord. I was so upset that the surgery was not as complete as it should have been and had to experience such a horrible event. After all, I had to look at the life-line that was between my baby and I.

That night I was having so much grief inside and was trying my best to hold back my pain from my husband and by little girl. I felt compelled and looked at my little girl and asked her, "where's the baby"? She looked at me as said: "It's swinging Mommy, she is my baby sister". My husband looked at me and said: why did she say that? I said that I did not know. (We never told our daughter that I was pregnant, plus I do not think she even understood what a baby sister was).

It was at the moment that my husband and I knew that our unborn baby was okay. That we had conceived another little girl. That our unborn babies do have a soul and are with the Lord above. One day I will see my babies, and what a homecoming that will be.

Find joy and appreciation with the miracle of the children you have now.

May God bless you and keep you strong and hopefull.

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F.J.

answers from Dallas on

My first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I was only about 2 and a half months along but it was just devasting. But, I tried to think well we will just try again. I had my first daughter just fine, then I had a miscarriage again. I went on to have another daughter and a son. They are all grown now. I don't know why we have to go through some of the things we do. But, you will be okay. Cherish your babies you do have because they are grown before you know it. I sometimes wonder if there are two babies waiting to know me in heaven. We'll see.

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P.M.

answers from Dallas on

I've never had a miscarriage so I can't imagine what you are going through, but all your emotions seem more than justified. Plus, you need to remember that your hormones are probably all over the place and that makes it really hard to sort through your feelings.

Be patient with yourself and just let your emotions go. You have every right to grieve - you've lost a baby - planned or not. And yes, you are blessed with your children so try to find some comfort there.

You probably won't be able to make sense of any of this because tragedy never makes sense. I do hope you are able to cope and make peace with what has happened. Write again if you need to "talk" about it more.

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B.T.

answers from Amarillo on

Miscarriages are hard to deal with no matter what. Even though your pregnancy wasn't expected and you thought you didn't want it, after knowing you were pregnant again and especially after knowing how it feels having children, you develop a bond sometimes that you don't necessarily know you had. You probably are dealing with some hormonal changes in your body as well. Even though you weren't pregnant for long, your body is going through similar changes as if you were post partum. If you are really depressed, defintely seek help so you can get through this. Things will look up and your hormones will get back to normal. HUGS.

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S.G.

answers from Dallas on

R.,
You are going through so much right now, your mind, your heart, your soul and your body. You are grieving and it's normal. I am so sorry for your loss. You have alot of great responses here. Time will help, but that hole in your heart will never completely close. Give yourself time and like someone else said, don't keep it bottled up inside you.
I'm sure a huge factor is that your hormones are not normal yet. It's like postpartum. But please seek medical advice if you don't start feeling better soon. You have a beautiful family who needs you. You will always have that ache in your heart for that little guardian angel. We have one too and once my kids got old enough to understand, we talk about him all the time and they feel special that they have a guardian angel watching over them. Don't despair sweetie, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know that tunnel seems very long right now. Seek the help you need and ears to listen. I had a good friend who endured a miscarriage, and while we are all different, she had severe postpartum depression afterward. Time a medication helped, and she's due in May with a baby boy.
Just take it one day at a time, one minute at a time.
Wishing you peace for your loss and feeling like yourself real soon.
Take care!!!!

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S.H.

answers from Amarillo on

Hello R. F. My name is S. I am from Texas. This really caught my emotions. I am very sorry for your loss. I understand how you are feeling right now. I too have had a misscarige though I did not know that I was even pregnant at the time. It was very hard for me to understand. You keep asking yourself why did this happen right? Well things will get better. You just need to tell yourself that this is what God has in store and these things happen for a reason as hard as they may be. It will make you a stronger person. Keep the faith, things will look up. You have 2 beautiful children God has blessed you in many ways. Just remember that you are blessed. Not cursed and God did not do this to hurt or punish you. God bless and best wishes. I hope this helps if only just for a moment. On one last note, I know you are thinking of having another baby, but just remember that having another one can never replace the one you lost. I know, I had another one myself and I thank God for him everyday. Just give it time it will work out.

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H.S.

answers from Dallas on

So sorry to read about your loss! I had a friend recently who had a baby boy and the baby died after 3 weeks. He was premature and couldn't hold on. It has been very hard for her to make any sense of it all. The baby was not planned and she was/is single so there are not other children for her to hold and love. I visited her right after the baby passed and her strength to move on was difficult for her to find but over time she has been able to adjust. At first she had a burning desire to get pregnant again to someone fill the void she felt in her heart but she knows that is not the answer. For her the challenge has been to realize that God is in control and her job is to trust in him and not try to control life's events but have a good attitude and move forward.

I do recommend this book - it is not about handling a miscarriages but about dealing with life challenges in general. I think the message is powerful and can help you. It's called "Freedom Flight - The Origins of Mental Power" by Olympic Gold Medalist, Lanny Bassham. The message of the book is about having a positive attitude no matter your environment. It's a quick read and might be helpful for you. His website is www.mentalmanagement.com - the Audio CD version is available on Amazon as well.

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J.M.

answers from Lubbock on

Oh my dear, you have lost a child even though it was a miscarriage. Don't belittle yourself in thinking you are giving it too much meaning. Please get some grief therapy. You can participate in grief therapy through a hospice, a church, local hospital outreach, or a referred counselor from your physician---some place where you can talk to other mothers who have had or are experiencing the same thing. It's your hormone imbalance, but it is everything that a mother of a lost child has, whether it be before birth, childhood or an adult child. You have lost a child. Give yourself some grieving time. Show this to your husband if you'd like.

In the meantime, it is not unusual for a grieving mother to wish for a replacement child. Many babies are born after another child dies. It is a natural feeling.

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J.C.

answers from Dallas on

Hi R.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I too had a miscarriage and it was the worst thing I ever went through. I cried and cried and I know it sounds cliche but it just took time to heal my wounds. I found myself wanting to get pregnant right away and I let it consume me because I believe I was trying to replace what I lost. However, once I relaxed, I got pregnant 3 months later and I now have a 7 month old little boy. It will happen and you have every right to grieve and feel sad or feel anyway you want. I wish you all the best!

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D.R.

answers from Wichita Falls on

Hi,Rashell ,I Have three son's of my own that is grown now,i never had a miscarriage AND I THANK god FOR THAT,I know that it hard but PRAYER CHANGE'S THING'S. My heart goes out to you. but remember this The Lord make's NO mistake's so PLEASE TRY to put it behind you and take care of yourself so that you can take care of the two children that yall have together be thankful, You all have been BLESSED,THE LORD will send you ANOTHER child when he is READY .Just trust in him.My prayer's is with you.

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K.F.

answers from Houston on

R.,
I too had a miscarriage this year. I also have 3 other wonderful children and it was an unplanned pregnancy. I understand how you are feeling. Please remember that your children that you have are a gift from God and that God may have been protecting them and you from something that could have gone wrong with the pregnancy. My pregnancies were all high risk and I truely believe that in my loss God was protecting my three boys from a loss. Put your faith in God and in time you will heal. My loss was in September and yes there are days when I am sad. That is when I turn to my children and hug them and let them know how much I love them. It is okay to cry. I hope you find peace.

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B.W.

answers from Dallas on

I had a miscarriage 10 years ago when my two children were 2 and 4--the baby would have been born just after they turned 3 and 5. I too, was totally unprepared for such tremendous grief COMBINED with SO MANY people saying the strangest things to 'comfort' me (it was for the best etc) or just the perception that it wasn't a 'real' loss of a child so I should just 'get over it'. My pregnancy was unexpected--I adjusted to the news and was excited, my (then) husband was stressed about the financial aspect of another child. I had just accepted a part-time teaching position for the upcoming school year when I found out I was pregnant and was wondering how a baby in January would work out. My husband's first thoughts about the miscarriage were that my job situation would be easier! Even at my church there was no compassion (I sought pastoral counseling). I just stopped talking about it and went into a pretty deep depression for awhile. soooo...more than you probably wanted to know but from all that I can tell you that if I could do something different it would be to deal with this tremendous grief with someone who 'gets' that it is a loss of a child that you have already incorporated into your heart and your family. Invest in that (counseling) for yourself and your family. I learned that it would never be the same for my husband (even if he had been excited about the baby) because the baby isn't as 'real' to others as is it was to me (morning sickness etc). You are completely aware every moment that this child is with you--anyone else, even Dad, can't experience that as wholly as you. Good luck--please be kind to yourself.

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M.S.

answers from Dallas on

What you are feeling is very normal. Please don't feel silly. Whether it was planned or not, there was a life inside you that is now gone. Of course you feel empty. And it is natural to want to be pregnant again. It's hard for anyone to understand who hasn't experienced a miscarriage or loss. Even the father... it's different when the life was living inside of you. Also, Men deal with loss in a completely different way than women. I would recommend reading "Empty Cradle Broken Heart" or another similar book. Actually, if you search "Empty Cradle" on Amazon, there are several that come up that look helpful.
Nearly all of my girlfriends have experienced a miscarriage. I had a stillbirth last year which was just horrible. But I learned that women that miscarry go through a similar grief. Just a few weeks ago, a close friend of mine had a miscarriage - also unplanned; she was also upset and worried about dealing with a third child. Then miscarried... Her response to miscarriage was similar to yours... she told people 'oh, it wasn't planned' as if to soften the blow to them. But that hurt her more... I told her to quit. You both have a right to grieve the loss of your child. Planned or not. Don't feel guilty for not wanting to be around pregnant women for a while.
Good luck to you.
p.s. You may also try journaling about it. Just get those feelings out. It will heal you.

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D.G.

answers from Dallas on

Hi R.. I had a miscarriage on February 4, 2005. I was 11 weeks. I was absolutly devastated. I felt like I had waited my whole life for this baby and suddenly it was gone. To this day I still remember my due date, which was August 26, 2005. I was devastated. I still think about that baby I lost and get sad, especially on those dates. My husband got over it alot faster than I did. What help me a little was thinking that apparently something was so wrong with baby that she couldn't survive on her own in the world once she was born. I still think about about her even now. (I say she because in my heart of hearts I feel it was a girl, don't know that for sure.) I also find some comefort that I will get to meet her when I get to heaven. I don't know if I am making you feel any better but this is what helped me. And the ironic thing is two years later on February 8, 2007 my husband and I welcomed our new son into the world almost exactly around the time we had our miscarriage. Its crazy, emotional and draining but it will get better. I am so sorry for your loss.

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M.L.

answers from Dallas on

R.... just cry and cry and cry even if you feel you need to do this when you are alone. So many woman have gone thru this... but each woman's pain is different. Even as blessed as you are with two healthy children, you still mourn the lost opportunity to give birth to and see your 3rd child grow up. Allow yourself to be sad about it.

I too, feel my pain is unjustified sometimes... as my babies would stop growing at 10 weeks usually... so it is not as if I had a still born... or even a pregnancy that lasted longer than the time women can legally choose to abort. Of my 9 pregancies, I lost two so early I hadn't even confirmed them.

I have one child... a wonderful, beautiful daughter that is healthy and happy. I don't know why my other pregnancies didn't continue, but I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't be afraid to keep trying, and that my fear would not overcome my joy of the news I was pregnant again.

With my daughter's pregnancy, I made a pact with myself that I was going to love each and every week that I still carried her... and even if God wouldn't let me keep her... I'd cherish each week I carried her... and feel that in itself was a wonderful gift. I'd feel I wasn't unlucky to loose her, but I'd of been lucky and blessed to ever have been given the opportunity to carry her... for whatever length of time.

We don't know why this happens... some say it is just chance... the rolling of the dice. We don't hear so much about all the pregancies that are lost, but the number is a lot higher than we think... like 1 in 5 pregnancies won't go to term.

So... mourn your loss... it is normal... but when your family is ready for an addition... don't be afraid of another pregnancy.

God bless you and I hope all the support you've received from these writings will help heal your heart.

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S.T.

answers from Amarillo on

Hi R., of course you are having all of the emotions after you miscarrige.it is very normal.it sounds like you have your hands full with your other babies.i know for sure that god has your life planned out step by step.and he knows what is best for you and your family. You are very blessed with a wonderful husband and 2 very sweet babies.you really need to talk to someone about your feelings.they can over come you very quickly.so please talk to someone for your babies.they need their mommy 100%.honey you can't change what has happenend.just give it all to god to work out.trust him and know that you are already blessed. I will be praying for you!god bless you S.

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D.A.

answers from Wichita Falls on

I had a miscarriage years ago...I was thrilled to be pregnant. I was confused as to why this had happened..I truly feel it was in Gods hands,, My mother explained to me it was probably a sign,, there was probably something wrong with the baby,,,God doesn't give you more than you can handle. PERHAPS IT WAS TOO SOON AFTER THE LAST PREGNANCY..Giving birth is a stressful situation maybe your body just needed more time. I have 2 grown children now, healthy and cap blessing. I hope you heart heals and you embrace your children with all your heart.. THE PAIN WILL FADE.. GOD BLESS YOU..

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D.D.

answers from Dallas on

I am so sorry to hear of your situation and I can relate in a way. I have had three miscarriages, all within two and a half years. If you are inclined to talk, I am here. ###-###-####

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S.S.

answers from Wichita Falls on

Grief mixed with guilt is painful. A lot of "how hard" it is is related to the fact that you keep remembering back to when you "didn't want to be pregnant". Then you follow the mindset that somehow it's your fault. You "got what you wanted"... and that's not true. Very few women enjoy the nausea and sickness that comes with being pregnant. Most of us wish it away. Most women, upon realizing that they are going to have 2 under 2 feel at the very least a little overwhelmed - maybe terrified is a better word.

That doesn't mean that we don't want our baby... once we come to terms with everything. Unfortunately, for women who miscarry during that time - it hurts until you realize that you did want this baby, you are going to grieve for this baby just like it was a full term held it, smelled it, loved it baby, and then things will improve.

Message me if you need to talk.

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E.S.

answers from Dallas on

I had a miscarriage in 2006 from a rare genetic disorder called Trisomy 16. Embryo's don't make it pass the 1 trimester. My Husband was the one who took it the hardest because he said that the night he felt my body decide to miscarry he felt the presence of it grow cold. I cried so hard for him, because he tries to not deal with emotions, but this one was overwhelming to him. I remember when I was going into the surgery to have the D&C. The doctor recommended I do because it would be more emotional for us if we let the body do it on it's own. My husband cried while I was being wheeled away. He didn't want to loose me too he said. It took us about 7 months to get over it, 4 of those months I was pregnant again. The genetic disorder was so rare that no one knew about it and couldn't give us any information about the chances of another child after that. I though it was my fault because I am at 35 and I didn't want him to go without having some kids. We now have a beautiful boy who is 1 years old. The though crosses my mind from time to time, but Josiah always brings me back to today. YOu will have to let it go because it will create more trouble then it's worth. If you want another then talk it over with your significant other. The decision has to be based on reponsibility and not emotions, because emotion can cloud judgements that are very important. I truly understand why you feel the way you do, and make sure you give yourself some time to process things. Love your kids and you will do fine.

Sorry for your lose.

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A.A.

answers from Dallas on

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I know of some people who have miscarried or lost babies. Several of them have said that talking to others on www.mend.org has helped them tremendously. Good luck.

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M.D.

answers from Dallas on

Hi R.,

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. I encourage you to visit www.angelsinheaven.org. Debbie is one of my friends and one of the sweetest people I have ever known!

Hang in there,
M.

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C.R.

answers from Dallas on

Allow yourself time to grieve. You conceived a child,and it died. You have had a great loss, whether you meant to be pregnant or not. It's okay to grieve, and it's healthy. I've had two miscarriages, and the best advice I got was to let myself feel sad until I felt better.
You're right that a lot of people will not understand, and they will not know what to say. I remember the sweetest thing people did for me was the ones who said nothing, but just held me. It was what I needed. My husband didn't really understand either, it was not his body that lost the child, it was not his hormones that attached to it so fiercely.
You are blessed with your two beautiful children, and now you have a treasure waiting for you in heaven. Look forward to that, and go ahead and cry for your loss here on earth.

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T.F.

answers from Amarillo on

Hello sweetheart! I am one that understands!I am now 45yrs and I still grieve for my baby. I was 23 and my exhasband beat me so bad, I lost my first child, I stayed with him until I was 3 months again,and he startsd abusing me again!I finaly called my DAD and told him what was going on, and he sent me a plane tickit to get home from Alaska back to Texas.My daughter is now 21 my son is now 19 and I now have a 7yr old. We go to bed and pray every night,and we we always add baby Drack to our prayers.I want you to always remember that God will not give us more than we can handel.I look forward to being with my child in HEAVEN, then I can hold him and give him what I can....LOVE.....Baby dont let it consume you,because it will! Always look at the two you have and LOVE, HUGE.&KISS every day!Take care of the two you have, and GOD will bless you! Sweetheart, this pain never goes away, but if you pray , It HELPS!!! I would love for you to contack me if you need me. I do understand! T.

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J.G.

answers from Dallas on

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I have experienced the loss of 2 babies. My daughter, Janelle, was stillborn at 38 1/2 weeks (Nov 2006) and I had an ectopic pregnancy in Oct 2007 and named the baby Gabriel. I found a wonderful organization called MEND - www.mend.org. All of your emotions are very normal - you lost a child. You will have to go through a process to seek healing and that is different for everyone - even between you and your husband. Find some way to memoralize your baby you name your baby or have a special things that reminds you of your baby or plant a tree or flowers in your babies memory. It is also very normal to feel like you want to get pregnant again. Once I had acceptance over the loss of my daughter I was very sad over not getting pregnant. You're in my prayers and do whatever you need to do to grieve the loss of your baby. A wonderful song is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

I had a miscarriage almost 2 years ago. My son was 2 at the time and I was only 8 weeks pregnant. I was devastated. I wanted that baby so much. I only told my mother. My friends still do not know and I may tell them or I may not. It isn't something I want to share right now. It still crushes me to think of that baby, but I'm so blessed to say that I did get pregnant again 3 months later and now have another beautiful, healthy baby boy. I believe in God and know that everything happens the way it is meant to, but that doesn't make the hurt go away. You cannot help the way you feel and it is not wrong to grieve for a baby you never knew. Be sad for a while and then put it away and focus on what you have to be thankful for. That doesn't mean you still won't think of that baby and feel sad, but don't let it take over. If it does, see a professional. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. My husband didn't feel the same way I did either. He didn't lose a life that was a part of him. I don't blame him. He has a right to his feelings, too. Shortly after I became pregnant with my second son, my husband bought 3 pretty crepe myrtle plants with red blooms. I don't know if he chose 3 on purpose or not, but as I watched him plant them, I let each one represent my 3 children. The 2 I have and the one with God. I'll say a prayer for you.

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L.H.

answers from Dallas on

Hi R.,
First, I want to say you are being perfectly normal in your grief. I had two miscarraiges. The first one was my first pregnancy. I was sad...but after I'd had three beautiful babies I had my second miscarraige... at the very end of the first trimester. I had pictured my famiy with four children, had all the bedrooms divided, saw us on vacations, and at the dinner table ...the six of us. It was much harder to lose that baby. I think because I knew what it was I was missing.And because I'd already made a place for that child in my heart. I, too, was anxious when I first found out about the pregnancy because my youngest wasn't even a year old. I was in my late 30's and pretty pooped out! That last maiscarraige was much harder...and I grieved a lot longer. It's smart of you to seek others out because if you talk about it, it seems as if many more women than you ever imagined have gone through this and will talk to you about it. My husband is a great guy, and actually a very sensitive person, but didn't seem to understand. I think maybe because it wasn't as real to him yet...He hadn't felt it kick or seen the bump in my belly because it never happened. Sometimes you have to just feel the pain, recognise it and be with it awhile. You will feel better ...You really will.

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J.C.

answers from Dallas on

Hi. I am sorry to hear of your loss. You are justified in your grief! There are several websites that talk about miscarriage and dealing with the greif. I went to www.google.com and typed in "miscarriage grief" and one is www.silentgrief.com. There are chat rooms and support groups online. I suggest finding one that fits you well and getting involved. Our third pregnancy ended with the stillbirth of our daughter, so I know your hurts. And, all I could think of was having another baby! I am not sure of your beliefs, but getting back involved in my church and praying constantly has really helped me to deal.

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L.R.

answers from Dallas on

I was 23 weeks pregnant about 11 yrs ago and lost the baby. My husband didn't show emotion to the situation. It still has been a stuggle for me to deal with. I go to our son's grave frequently. My husband doesn't like going with me. I know what you are going through. If you need anyone to talk to you can email me at [email protected]____.com.

L. Randolph

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J.B.

answers from Tyler on

Several things are going on with you at this time. Physically, your hormones are trying to readjust to not being pregnant. Give it time. Second, you are grieving your loss. This is deeply emotional. And third, you feel somehow you were responsible for the loss, thus guilt plays into it. I misscarried due to a doctor's foolhardy eagerness to try out a new technology. What was thought to be a tubal pregnancy turned out to be a normal pregnancy. I had 3 children, 7, 8, and 9. The pregnancy was definitely unexpected. Because I was sure it was a tubal (due to the amount of pain involved)I signed the paper to have my tubes coagulated at the time of the laproscopic procedure, thinking the doctor had good sense! It wasn't tubal, but the doctor was eager to use his new "knowledge" and lazered my tubes anyway!!! I was lucky. The baby died. It could have been born maimed. This was over 30 years ago, so I can look back and see what was going on in my mind. First, I felt the loss of the life within. Then I felt guilt because somehow I must have caused the series of events that killed my baby. And finally, my body had to prepare hormonally for the baby, then reverse itself. All this, and I couldn't "reorder" the baby. God knows best. Years later I realized I might have been the insturment for that DR to learn a lesson (I hope), and when we had 3 teenagers, I was relieved I didn't have a 1st grader! I know I'll see my baby in heaven, though, all safe and sound.

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P.S.

answers from Dallas on

I'm so sorry about your loss. Be assured you will be reunited one day, that's God's promise. When I found out I was pregnant, I too, did not want to be at the time. When I found out my baby was not growing as it should, I thought
because of my attitude, I was being punished. I felt so guilty. You may be feeling a little guilt because you were not overjoyed about the baby at this time. Please do not think your thoughts had anything to do with this. Your body is going through a hormonal change as well as your mental status has been thrown a curve. Since you feel you can't talk to your friends, seek group counciling. I feel it will help to talk about it. There is a strong bond between mothers who have lost a baby and you will find solace there.
They will only be strangers once.

God Bless, P. S

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K.P.

answers from Dallas on

I have recently gone through a miscarriage as well so I hope this helps you. The emoitions are normal and eventhough your friend have not had this type of Pain they want to help.
I have had friends that have had them so the have helped Me alot. and I think your husband is just trying to be strong for you. I have a 3year old and i just think how blessed I am that I have her. God has helped me through this time. I don't understand why these things happen to good people but Maybe it is to help someone else that has had the same happen to them. I hope I have helped you.
I am having the same feeling about having another Baby.

Blessing

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J.A.

answers from Dallas on

Stop feeling guilty because someone you loved died. I know only to well what you are going through and it's a grieving period that doesn't immediately leave you. No matter what you were thinking about the pregnancy, you were still having a baby. Don't try to overlook it because you need to grieve. Give your mind and body a chance to get over the lost before you start planning another child. Let your 10 month old be your baby right now. When the time is right, then you will feel right about it. Don't try to replace your lost child with another child. You may need to find someone to talk to whether it is a professional, someone at church or just a friend who you know will listen and not try to say it's alright or there must have been a reason.
Take time for yourself right now.
J.

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M.W.

answers from Dallas on

I send my condolences for your loss, and you have a right to grieve for your loss. Your friends are there for you to lend a shoulder to cry on don't hold it in. Tho I haven't loss a child I suggest you stay in prayer and take it day to day. Keep counting your blessings and always know that you have an angel watching over you & your other two beautiful babies.

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D.A.

answers from Dallas on

You have every right to be sad and devastated with this loss. Miscarriages do happen more often that people realize. It does seem to affect women more and longer than men...probably because we are the ones carrying the baby. I have a healthy daughter who just turned 4. I wanted another one so we tried and I got pregant...or so I thought. When I went in for the ultrasound at 6 and 8 weeks, there was a sack but no baby. I had a false pregnancy which means the egg was fertilized but it never made it to the sack. I still had to let nature take it's course (or have a DNC). About 10 months later the same thing happened. I/we decided not to try again. I also have a 9 year old step son who is like my own.
The first false pregnancy was pretty hard on me. It took time...that's what you need is to take time for yourself...pray for God's guidance. I'd wait at least 6 months before trying again so that your body can completely heal. And don't beat yourself up.
God Bless!
D.

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A.B.

answers from Dallas on

R. -
I am very sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I too was devastated. At first I thought it had to have been my fault, I didn't eat right, wasn't getting enough sleep, working too hard...I just knew it had to be my fault. I talked with my OB/GYN, and he assured me that it was not my fault. Sometimes, for whatever reason, it happens. I too wanted to get pregnant right away. My OB/GYN suggested that I wait at least 3 months for my body to get back to normal. I did. My husabnd and I started trying and 3 months later, I was pregnant. My first and only child, (a boy) is now a little over 2 years old. He is my angel. I figured out why I miscarried my first pregnancy - God was not ready to let my son be. But, he was so worth the wait.
May God bless you.

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V.G.

answers from Tyler on

Miscarriage happened to our son and daughter-in-law. Their grief and pain was real and spilled over to all of us. You received many good suggestions to cope ... reach for help in as many ways as you possibly can. Participate in a support group if one is available in your area ... churches and hospitals often have these groups. Excuse yourself from family, friends and groups that are not supportive to your feelings. The one thing offered to my kids was the thought that the love they felt for this little one lost could be shared with the ones that hopefully would come later. For you, this love could be shared with the children you have now, and more if that is your decision.

One family we know lost a child, and put a stained glass window of an angel in their home to represent the lost child. Perhaps a picture or even a simple figurine or statue could help your feelings as you work through this grief.

May God bless you, keep you, comfort you, and, in His time and His way, restore your peace. Grandma GiGi

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S.P.

answers from Dallas on

R.,
I am so sorry for your loss! I don't know what to say honestly. I know that God will help you thru it, just lean on him. If you feel like you have no one to talk to...talk to God...he's always listening.
I wish you the best, and Good luck to you. I will remember you in my prayers.

Blessings...
~S

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S.B.

answers from Amarillo on

I had 3 miscarriages before I finally had my baby boy. First know that you are allowed to grieve. Every emotion you are feeling is right for you. I found that journaling really helped me get through the pain. And I bought some books dealing with miscarriage. I wish I could remember their names, its been so long. You might do a search on Amazon. One book was just writings from different women who had had miscarriages. It just helped to read their stories. I didn't have anyone to talk to either when I had my miscarriages. All of my friends where having perfectly healthy babies. It was really hard and unless a person has actually gone through a loss like that, they just can't understand. Its like losing a part of yourself. If you ever want to talk my e-mail is [email protected]____.com are in my prayers. Oh by the way I have a 10 month old too !

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K.H.

answers from Abilene on

hello hun. I know excatly how ya feel. When my first child was 6 months old, I got pregant and it wasn't planned. Well, I was bout 4 months pregnant when I miscarried my baby. It was really hard on me and I didnt know how to deal with it....
I had support from my family and friends. Then I had gotton so depressed bout it that I had to go threw couseling. I think God, had a plan and well, we still call it our little angel.
There are different ways that you can get help. There are many different ways that you can choose to cope with your lost. I would recommend that you talk to someone and just take one day at a time. You will get threw it... Sometimes, I still have a hard time getting threw my days especailly in Oct. My first child and the baby that I miscarried would had been a year and a week aprt and the week after my first born well, I get really sad and depressed.....
I hope that I was helpful for you. i hope that you will get threw this miscarriage. I will be praying for you.

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C.C.

answers from Dallas on

Your feelings are completely normal, and please don't feel alone, because I know exactly what you're experiencing. I have had two miscarriages, and also have three beautiful daughters ages 13, 9 and 15 months. The first miscarriage was prior to my 13 year old being born. It was unplanned, but welcomed, and I was absolutely devastated and felt so alone, and felt like such a failure. It was hard to look a people who I knew had healthy children, because I kept thinking "what did I do wrong that they did right?" Then a co-worker -- a woman with two beautiful sons -- shared with me her own miscarriage story, and it really helped to know that it can happen to anyone, and often for reasons unknown. Well, fast forward to Janury 2005, when I discovered I was pregnant, and again not planned! But this time around I wasn't initially as enthusiastic because my girls were older my husband and I enjoyed the expanded freedom of not having a little one to take care of. Yet when I had the miscarriage, I found myself completely devastated again -- those motherly instincts just kick in! Only my husband wasn't so upset (he immediately started talking vasectomy), and I was heartbroken that he was oblivious to my pain. It strained our relationship but finally, a few months later, we had a heart-to-heart. Well, daughter #3 was welcomed in January 2007!
So don't give up, don't feel alone, and make sure you communicate openly with your husband. And it is OK to experience all of the feelings you are having . . . it is actually part of the grieving process.

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M.G.

answers from Dallas on

R.,

This moment it is no easy. I had two miscarriage. The second one was just 18 weeks, It was a boy. It was a hard moment for me and my husband and my little girl. Also, I have the same felling like you about to have a baby as soon as I could be ready. It was like a obsession, but first I need to take care of me about my health and emotional feelings. It is very healthy you cried when you need it. I recomend you to chech dimes and dime web site. It is very helpfull in this moment. In this web, you can find information about feelings, emotions and about your help. Good bless you. I pray for you and for your beutiful family.

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C.J.

answers from Dallas on

R., I am so sorry about your miscarriage. Loss of a child of any age is unnatural. Thankfully most people will not experience it. There is no describing the feelings or the rollercoaster you end up on. I lost my 18 yr old daghter 9-1/2 mo ago. I have found a wonderful online group. It is only for mom's. Even though all of stories are different, we have all lost our kids and understand. They are a wonderful group of ladies. Most of the time I just read the posts, but when I need them for any reason, an AngelMom is always there. If you would like to check it out the website is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AngelMoms2/
I am almost always online if you have any questions about the group or if you just need to talk to someone.
C. [email protected]____.com

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L.D.

answers from Dallas on

R. - I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad that so many mamas were able to offer you words of comfort and support. I read/used a book many years ago to help deal with a loss that I found to be really helpful. It's called "How To Survive the Loss of a Love". I don't remember the author, sorry, but it's at Amazon if you do a search. It's designed to help people any many different loss situations. It's in list and poem format, so it's not a lenghthy or tedious read. Maybe it can offer you some comfort as it did me.

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P.M.

answers from Dallas on

Allow yourself to grieve dear one. You have had a tremendous loss. I lost two. Both of them were with in the first few weeks and I delivered...It was and is hard, because now I can't get pregnant. Find yourself a griefshare group or go to griefshare.org. The emotional roller coaster you are on is normal. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. The process is as unique as you are...praying for you...hang in there with those two precious little ones...

P.

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D.D.

answers from Dallas on

I don't have any tips for you but I truly feel for you. Yes you are blessed with your other wonderful children but it is completely normal to feel a sense of loss at what could have been.
My prayers are with you!

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M.M.

answers from Dallas on

Hi there...so sorry to hear about your loss. i completely know how you feel. i had two VERY easy pregnancies and healthy babies, then my third was a miscarriage...i went in for the hearbeat check- up at 11 wks and my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat anymore. i was in COMPLETE shock and in denial! i never thought that could happen to me!! This was about 4 yrs ago and the only thing that will help is TIME. it will get better..i promise! No one knows how you feel unless they have been through it, as well. Miscarriges are more common than you think. Say a prayer for your loss and in time you will feel better! i do remember all i could think about was getting pregnant again and i did 6 months later...She is now almost 4! Again, i'm so sorry about your loss and it will get better!

L.P.

answers from Tyler on

You are experiencing a loss, a very real and tangible loss. No matter how you felt about this pregnancy, your prior life lessons with being pregnant taught you nothing but pregnancy=new baby and life changes. The equation changed this time around and you had undoubtedly already accepted this new baby into your heart, whether or not you were ready to accept the inevitable life changes. That doesn't mean you would've been any less of a loving and caring mother for this baby than you are for your other two children, your heart realized you had time to adapt to this new reality, and yet again, the reality has changed. You are grieving, and you have every reason in the world to grieve.

In case your Doctor hasn't already told you this, miscarraiges are NOT your fault! You did nothing to cause this, it just happens. When I had my first miscarraige, a lot of people told me about God's plan or the baby may not have been perfect, I didn't want to hear any of it. But, believe it or not, God did have a better plan for my family than I had. I became pregnant 4 months after my last miscarraige and that child is such a wonderful blessing. I often think how she wouldn't be with us without that miscarraige. I know that is such a strange way of thinking, but it helps justify my loss to my heart, and right now you need to find some comfort for your heart.

God's blessing to you and your family, I sincerely hope your husband recognizes your grief and allows you the time to heal from this loss. You will always remember this "almost member" of your family, and if it is meant to be, maybe you will be better prepared mentally if you become pregnant again.

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L.H.

answers from Abilene on

Let me start by telling you how sorry I am for your loss. I had 5 miscarriages before my miracle baby (who's 8) was born. None of them were easy. It's a very hard road to walk.

What you are feeling is completely NORMAL! You are greiving and will. It might help to talk to your friends, but if they haven't had any experience it might not help other than to let you get your emotions out. Your grief isn't unjustified. You will work through it, but it's an experience you will have to draw on the rest of your life.

If you notice in a few weeks that you are feeling yucky, you might check with your OB to make sure your harmone levels are back in check. I ignored this feeling once and my harmone levels were completely off the charts. Once they were straightened out it really helped. (Which helped me because I wondered if I was going crazy! :) My OB told me I needed to wait at least 6 months after a miscarriage to try again.

While I was going through what I did, I used to wonder why God would let such a thing happen. I read a wonderful book called Empty Arms (Sorry I can't remember the author) that comforted me very much. It also helped me deal with well meaning people who said what I considered hurtful things.

Hang in there. You will someday be able to help someone else with their experience.

Blessings!
L.

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C.G.

answers from Dallas on

I had a miscarriage only a week after I found out I was pregnant and so I got a lot of "maybe you weren't pregnant" which only made it worse. I found the things people said to be the hardest. It was still devastating to me. We planned our pregnancy and had already started making plans and started loving that baby. I had a couple friends who had gone through it and that helped me. Time will heal you. We also planted a tree in memory of our baby so we don't forget the "baby that went to God before us" as I call him/her. If you need to talk, just ask.

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I.C.

answers from Dallas on

Rashell,
I just want to say, from experience also, that time is the only thing that will help. My 2nd baby passed 18 months ago and I still cry a lot. You will always miss the baby and always have what ifs. Time will help you to learn to live with what happened, rather than to get over it. Just thank God everyday for the blessings, the children that we do have and pray that our lost little ones are happy in his arms.

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S.R.

answers from Dallas on

Hi R.. I know how hard this can be. I've had 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth and each one was very hard. I think about my angels all the time. I have one daughter who is 5 and a little boy on the way. I'm scared that I might lose him too, but I try to focus on the time I have and my precious daughter. Your feeling of loss is normal. You are that angel's mommy eventhough he/she's not with you anymore and it just like you've lost a child. Feel sad when you need to and don't feel ashamed of it. You will get through this. So many women have. Grief does have it's own schedule. Be kind to yourself and you will get through. There are some good support websites out there. There is one called angelbabies and another called babieswithgod. They both helped me through. My prayers are with you and your family.

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G.W.

answers from Dallas on

R.,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your baby died. You have so many emotions flowing and they are all normal, from the grief , to the hormones fluctuating. I had a miscarriage many years ago, under much of you same circumstances, It wasn't a planned pregnancy, I had a wonderful 18 month old and wonderful husband. Part of me didn't want that pregnancy at all. But, just when I had gone to the doctor and heard the heart beat and told everyone and been excited... I had a miscarriage.I felt so guilty, like it was all my fault because I wasn't happy about it at first. I still think about this baby every year in March, when the baby was due.My baby would be 22 last month, if he or she had lived. The doctor will tell you how long you need to wait before you become pregnant again. Usually you need to wait several months, because there may be a chance of another miscarraige. Your grief is very justified. If you have a clergy person or even your doctor, can be a support. There are support groups for moms that miscarry, as well. Here there is an annual day of remembrance. I went once and it helped me with closure.
My prayers are with you!

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C.S.

answers from Amarillo on

I cannot sympathize with you on this one but I just want to tell you-----grief is NEVER unjustified. You have a right to your own feelings and emotions. And they will be different from day to day. That is part of healing. You sound like you are coping in a healthy way and I just want to say God bless and hang in there!! :) C.

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D.T.

answers from Dallas on

Dear R.,

I am so sorry for your loss. And, I understand the strange emotional isolation you are experiencing. Dealing with a miscarriage is made worse by the fact that those around us just don't acknowledge our grief and offer support as they would if there had been a live birth and then a subsequent funeral. I guess for most people, if they can't see the baby, it just doesn't seem like a real person. As the mother of two, you understand the promise and potential of an unborn life.

What may help you find acceptance is the great likelihood that the baby you lost had no potential of becoming a whole healthy child. So many things can go wrong when all that dna comes together. My brother, a doctor, said that far more miscarriages occur than realized because most happen so early on, before one would even know they were pregnant.

The hormonal fallout is compounding things, of course. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor for some temporary help with antidepressants if you think you might need it. Your kiddos need mom at her best. And, at their ages you have your hands full.

I suggest you resign not to get pregnant for at least 6 months regardless of whether or not you decide to have another baby. Your chances of a successful pregnancy are better if you wait.

I had at least (confirmed) 3 miscarriages. It took 12 years; but, I am grateful for my 2 healthy children.

You're in my prayers,
Deb

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S.Y.

answers from Dallas on

I had a miscarriage about 4 yrs ago and it is tough. My husbandand I were considering getting a divorce when I found out I was preg, so it certainly would have been hard to add another baby into the mix, but you still lost a baby. A part of you is gone. It is completely normal for you to have all the feelings you are!! I luckily had some friends who had also gone through a miscarriage and that helped a lot. My husband didn't understand my grief either, and in fact actually refused to call it a baby for the longest time (didn't even admit that I had been preg-- it was simply "tissue" that I lost). Men, I think, just don't deal with loss the same. Luckily, our marriage survived that and everything else. I would suggest looking for a grief board or sharing with other women you may have met through here to help you cope with your loss.
Just want to let you know you can contact me if you want to talk and I won't think you're silly, etc. I've been through it and I remember the roller coaster of emotions I had.
Good luck and HUGS!!

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S.C.

answers from Dallas on

R., my heart goes out to you. Planned or not, you have lost a baby. I don't care if you were only a few weeks along, that was still your baby, and you are most likely grieving the loss of what might have been, had you carried it to term. It will take time, but you will find a way to be okay with it eventually. I have lost three myself. I eventually got to a point where I could get through the day without crying, and then without obssessing about it. I now think about them every now and then, but I still feel a little sad. I think for me that will never go away. One thing that helped me was knowing that most women WILL suffer a miscarriage in their lives, OFTEN WITHOUT EVER KNOWING IT HAPPENED. You can form your own theory about why this occurs, but for me it really helped to think that perhaps something was wrong with the egg, or perhaps my body wasn't prepared for it. Maybe neither is true, but those thoughts sure helped me cope. You, too, will find something that helps you get through the day, and you will be okay again.

Regarding your husband, he cares deeply for you and hurts for you, but just as he cannot understand pregnancy and childbirth, he cannot understand your loss. Also, perhaps, he is trying to be strong for you and it is coming across as having overcome it already. Remember, our husbands want to be so strong for us and to fix our problems for us, and this is something they can't fix. They feel helpless around us, because they don't know what to do. When I lost mine, I had a young daughter that I didn't want to see me cry, so my escape was to turn to the computer and play games. The first one, I became REALLY good at Snood, the second one Minesweeper, and the third, Spider Solitaire. It was very hurtful to my husband, but it was better than drinking, which is what I WANTED to do. We talked it out after I was better, and now he is okay with it. Give it time, and ASK for time to heal. You'll be fine. HUGS

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E.G.

answers from Dallas on

One of my friends experienced several losses and has created a ministry out of her pain and healing. Visit angelsinheaven.org
It is a beautiful site and ministry.
I am sorry for your loss

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S.S.

answers from Dallas on

when things like this happens it upset your feelings it just like having a baby . you have all the after efects just like you would if had him, i lost a child when i was 2months alone it was in my tubs the dr said that would feel the after efects for a month are 2
but hun it is alot worst too really lose 1 that you have held in your arms and love it taken care of it i did she was three months old a breast baby the pain is out of this world go to the dr have give you some harmon pills they will help stay busy and it will finelly pass it want be over night but it will

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A.J.

answers from Dallas on

Hello
I just want you to know that you are not alone. I had a miscarriage my 1st pregnancy. You are absolutely right it is devestating- it was hard for me to deal with because I wanted the baby so badly- Plus after thinking I was pregnant for 3months this little person was very real to me. It was a grieving process for me very similar to when I have had a death in the family. It didn't feel like anyone was hurting quite as badly as I was over the loss and it was frustrating. Only time made it better. I now have a precious little girl and loseing the 1st baby makes me even more thankful for her! I am truely sorry that you had to go through that and remember things happen for a reason- I told myself that maybe there was something wrong with the baby and it would have been in pain if it survived- Just know that it's NOT your fault and it's ok to mourne your loss for as long as you need to. Hang in there and keep your chin up- hard as it may be- your two healthy babies need you to be strong. I know it will get better for you!

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J.B.

answers from Dallas on

Praise the Lord he didn't give you more than you could handle. He saw the health of this child & it was not a healthy child to be. BE THANKFUL. Yes, cry but give praise as well! I've been thru several. God's timing is perfect.

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R.P.

answers from Dallas on

Hi R.,

I know exactly what you are going through. I have a beautiful two year old little boy who is such a blessing! We got pregnant again right after his first birthday and we were so excited. Then at 13 weeks we went to the specialist sonogram appointment and he told us our baby didn't have a heartbeat. It is definitely one of the most traumatic things we have been through. I guess because we thought everything was just fine. It was a shock! This happened the end of June last year and I still cry about it. What makes it even worse is that we have not been able to get pregnant again and now have to go see a fertility doctor to see if there is any hope.

I think you should cry when you need to cry and you are entitled to feel sad and grieve. You are right in remembering how blessed you are too, that has helped me get through the tough times. Please don't feel guilty for feeling bad about it, I think it is normal. Believe me I have been all about having another baby too so I think that is normal too!~

Good luck! I am happy to talk futher if you need to just email me. None of my friends understood either.

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T.H.

answers from Dallas on

R.,

Oh my dear, I'm so very sorry for your loss!! Your feelings are 100% normal. My suggestion is to contact your dr. and have a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings and what's going on with you. I'll bet she/he will know how to help you.

Please know that God DOES love you and knows how much you are hurting. He says in His Word in Matthew 11: to give all your concerns to Him because He will carry them for you. Talk to God, tell Him how you feel. You will be surprised at how much it will help. It helped a good friend of mine when she had a miscarriage.

God bless you!
T.

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P.W.

answers from Dallas on

I know how you feel. I am a busy mom of a 4 year old and 13 month old twins. You are probably thinking wow. Well, before I was pregnant with the twins, I had a miscarriage. I already had my son and this second pregancy was a surprise. 3 months almost to the day after my m/c I found out I was pregnant with twins. Now say wow. It was crazy. How is that possible? I still feel like God was giving me the one I lost. Now, I have beautiful boy/girl twins and an amazing 4 yr. old son and I still think about the m/c from time to time and the one I lost. But, I just thank God for all that I have. However, after it happens, you still feel that loss, whether you wanted to be pregnant again or not. All I can say is there will be good days and bad days. The grief will come and go. It did for me. Lean on your friends & family for support. Some days I was fine. Others I was balling over some insignificant thing. Remember your hormones are all out of whack too. That adds to it. But, with all of this, it will take time. Be patient and be thankful for your 2 beautiful babies and truly wonderful man you share that with everyday. And, who knows? Maybe you'll get pregnant again... maybe even with twins.

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R.H.

answers from Dallas on

I had a miscarriage at the beginning of the year, and it was the most devestating thing I've ever been through. I have a 20 month old at home, and we wanted one more baby. We were only about 7 weeks pregnant when they told us there was no heartbeat. I ended up having a D&C after a lot of pain at home. I felt sad, angry, guilty. I also felt so lucky to have my boy at home. I spent many years thinking I couldn't get pregnant, so if the miscarriage had happened on my first pregnancy, it would have been that much more devestating. My husband didn't seem to go through the grief I did, either. I don't have much advice other than to let yourself go through the grief, and hug your kids every chance you get.

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S.F.

answers from Dallas on

As you can see you are not alone. I have had 3 miscarriages and 4 beautiful children carried to term. I had my first child in 1994 then another in 1995, then we waited util 2002 to try again we had our first miscarriage in May 02 and then another in August 02. I was a mess. Emotionally, physically & spiritually. Even though I was a children's minister I didn't seem to know how to pull myself out of the rut I was in. My two children were devasted and my husband did his best to hold it together. We talked many years later and I discovered it wasn't that he got over it faster, but rather that he had to put his grief away so that he could be the rock for me and the kids. In 2004 we had another beautiful baby and thought maybe we would be done but we had a suprise preg that ended in miscarriage in September 2005. After the miscarriage I wanted a baby more than I had prior. So we finally rounded out our family in Oct 2007 with baby #4. We know our sweet babies are in heaven, and we know that God is in control of our lives. He has a plan for us that is beyond our understanding.

The things that helped me were talking to others, and others talking to me about my babies. Also having something that I could look at to remind me of my babies helped. Hugging the children I have helped a lot too. Be honest and open with your husband and allow him to do that too. Don't be angry with each other's feelings.

We have a support group at our church for those who have experienced miscarriage or early infant death called Early Angels: http://www.fbcmckinney.com/p/10615/Default.aspx

This book helped me a lot to go thru the emotional side of loss: Heydrick, Debbie. I'll Hold You In Heaven Remembrance Book. Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 2003. Debbie is a wonderful source of strength. Here is her website: http://www.angelsinheaven.org/default.asp

Please feel free if you need to talk.
S. ###-###-####

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C.W.

answers from Dallas on

Dear R.,
My heart breaks for the loss of your baby & for your devastation. Please rest asured that your baby is safe in the arms of God and is in
a beautiful & awesome place. I hope this gives you some peace. It is perfectly normal to feel sad despite the fact that you have a wonderful husband & 2 other beautiful children, as the child you lost can never be replaced by any other loved one. I am a member of a women's support system called The Hannah Group. We exist to offer hope & loving support to women who are suffering miscarriage(& also to women experiencing infertility.) I myself have had 2 miscarriages, & the facilitators of our support group have actually been where you are and can truly say
we know how you feel. I will put you on our prayer list, but
please also feel free to contact the Hannah office at
###-###-#### if you would like me to personally pray with you,
give you our meeting times, or pass on to you additional resources for this difficult time you are going through right now. My sincerest condolences. God bless you.
C.

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S.S.

answers from Dallas on

Hi R.,

My name is S.. I just had my first miscarrage on March 5 of this year. I have a six year old son. You know I was very surprise when I found out I was pregnant. I was first shocked then happy then scared. My family was excited. When I went to the doctor and they did a sono I found out that I was further along than I thought. I actually saw the baby. So that made it real. Well making a long story short. I started having pains and went to the doctor. They did another sono and said everything was fine. Later that night it happen. I was devastated. All of those emotions you were talking about and more were going through my head. I was told that I was going to have a miscarrage with my first child and I didn't. THen I was told with this one that I was fine. I know God is in control and I had to trust him. But it was hard and my son took it harder than I did. That made it harder than anything. I think with the help of anti-depressants, helping to explan the best way I could to my son that God had a reason and talking to other women and finding out how many of them experienced the same thing has helped me. I miss knowing that she is not still in me (I found out it was a girl the morning I lost her and of course that is what we all wanted) but you know what R., this might sound mean or wrong but please believe me I don't mean it that way. I was 13wks and 5days so it was just before the baby started to kick. I am glad it happen before that and if she had any deformaties, she would not have to live with them. I am scared to try again and I know there is a good chance it will not happen again. But I still don't know we will see. My faith in God is strenghing and I know he knows what is best for me and he will not give me more than I can handle so I will just trust him and see what happens.

I hope this helps just to know you are not along. I did not go to the support class that are offered. Because I thought I would get over it in my own time. Plus, I am around alot of women everyday and the more I talk about it to people the better I am getting.

So hug the two Blessing you have a home and just let nature take its course. You will get through it and just remember you are not along and there are women out there
who had it worse than us. That makes me take the attention of me and pray for them.

Thank you for the chance to talk about it again because it is still helping me while helping you.

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K.G.

answers from Dallas on

The first thing to remember is your not crazy! Your grief is REAL! I had 2 miscarriages before having my now 7yo and another miscarriage after him before my now 3yo! I know where you're coming from! My best advice is to let your feelings show - get the crying out! Talk as much as you can with SOMEONE you feel comfortable with! Just because our husbands don't necessarily feel the same depth of grief as we do, they still want to console us and help us to feel better! Try to be honest with him and tell him what you need from him (as they say themselves, they are not mind readers!). Try to decide if you do want another child and if you do, look forward to that! Plan special events with your girls/husband to keep your time filled and focused on what you have now. It is true, with time you will feel better! If you are really stuggling, talk to your OB, you may need a little help (Zoloft etc) to even out your emotions and just get you through it! Your OB can be a great source for you! Good luck and take care! K.

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T.O.

answers from Dallas on

I had several miscarriages in a row and then I had 3 babies in a row. So I can't say my feelings would be similar to yours. I felt sad for the loss and a painful desire for a baby, but I also felt like a failure... like "what did I do wrong?"

Maybe that's what you're feeling. What did you do wrong? Maybe you're feeling guilty about not wanting the pregnancy at first and now you're wondering if you wished it away. You did not. And you should not beat yoruself up over it. Hormones are likely playing a big roll in your feelings too.

You might want to go talk to someone about it. A counsellor or church pastor.

Just know that the feelings are normal even if they're different from other people's experiences and with time you will feel better.

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N.W.

answers from Dallas on

R.,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. And indeed it is a loss and you should feel justified in your need to grieve. Your husband most likely isn't affected like you are because you had a rush of hormones along with the pregnancy. Having another baby cannont replace the lost one however, so work through your grief with the help of friends and family. And if you feel you still need help,contact Compassionate Friends. Its a support group for parents who have lost children, including through miscarriage.
N.

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B.F.

answers from Dallas on

Oh....R.... I am so sorry you are going through this. I will never understand why we have to experience miscarriage. It NEVER makes sense to me. I have five (almost six) kids now, but we have three babies in heaven - a single and a set of twins. ;( You are not alone. In fact, the older I get, the more friends I have that HAVE had a miscarriage than haven't. Please be comforted knowing that all of your feelings are totally and completely normal - I remember thinking the exact things myself. I remember being invited to a Christmas party a couple weeks after my first miscarriage and how depressed and devastated I still was. Everyone else was laughing and playing games......I couldn't understand why they didn't get why I was so heartbroken...We just left and went home. Your grief is to be expected - after all, God's creation, a little person - one of you and your husband's sweet babies, has entered your lives. You will undoubtedly be changed forever, but you WILL heal. Please allow yourself to cry, be mad, even question God. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty. Even though we'll never figure it out, we can know that God is ultimately in control, His plan IS perfect and someday we will see those babies we never got to hold. And yeah - I was surprised how devastated it was for me too. You DO recover from the initial acute pain. A part of you will always mourn that baby, but eventually you will be able to talk about it without breaking down. I think one of the things that helped me get through it was snuggling close to my kiddos I already had, appreciating them, being thankful for them. And yes - all you can do after a miscarriage is want to be pregnant again and ya know what??? You're always so glad when you are again!!! :) Hope something I said helps. Bless you.

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R.K.

answers from Dallas on

I know just how you feel and it is normal. I had a miscarriage 6 months ago and I still feel like thatand so deos eveyone I know who has been in this position. I too felt like my husband just didn't get why I was/am still so sad. It will get better little by little over time. I would say to talk to your friends even if they have not experinced it. I found it helped to talk about it. Tell them how you feel and that you just need someone to talk to.

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J.H.

answers from Amarillo on

Grief has to heal , just like any other hurt. And harmones right after probably aren't helping either, but talkin a little to a friend isn't going to hurt, but trying to go on with the blessings and joy of your other two will probaby help the healing faster than anything. If your baby is just 10 months old, and you just had a miscarrage, I would feel that your body isn't in the right shape to be having another baby just yet. I think it is your emotions working on you, and you need to heal from this in mind and body before you worry about another baby. Really just stop and enjoy the two you have for now.

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H.P.

answers from Dallas on

I also lost a baby to miscarriage-- my first pregnancy. It is hard to deal with those feelings. You are not alone. I went on to have 2 daugthers and am contemplating a 3rd child. Nothing anyone can say will make it easier-- you just need to grieve and then look at your children-- you are so lucky b/c some people never experience motherhood. It does get easier, but all of us moms who lose a child carry their hearts in our heart.

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C.S.

answers from Amarillo on

Honestly counseling will help you sort through this loss. Our miscarriage was a didn't even we know were pregnant type thing. It took me a couple of years to finally not cry about it. I too didn't want a baby at the time. DH was deployed (before Iraq and Afghanistan). Then I felt bad that I even thought it. Other friends it too took a little while to get over. Counseling will help a lot. Maybe even something through your church. I have another friend that still goes to her counseling sessions (almost 2 years later)...and she's had 3 children since. It helps her I suppose just to talk to someone about it. Husbands just don't have the same attachment as we do. So don't think too much on that. We were just made differently. Hugs!

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S.F.

answers from Dallas on

Hi R.. Let me first say, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have experienced three miscarriages and please know that everything you are feeling is normal. You are grieving the loss of a child, one that was real and is eternal.
I also want to offer support. I am part of a support group that ministers to women who have suffered miscarriage. We have meetings every Tuesday at 7:00P.M.. If you are interested in attending, please e-mail me at [email protected]____.com, also our group e-mail is [email protected]____.com meet at Richland Hills Church of Christ in North Richland Hills Texas. Also, a book that helped me that you may be interested in is I'll Hold You In Heaven by Jack Hayford.
My prayers are with you,
S. Fairly

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S.T.

answers from Dallas on

R., I am so sorry for your loss. I lost twins at 20 weeks two years ago, and it takes a long time to feel "better" again. I highly recommend MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) meetings. You can find the information on the website, www.mend.org.

It's perfectly normal to ache to be pregnant again. I hoped and prayed for another baby for the longest time, but never could manage it. I doubt I will ever have another child, and that is a loss in and of itself, but even that gets better with time. I'm so blessed to have the child that I do have, and you are blessed to have your beautiful children. (It's just that we both wish we could be even more blessed with those other babies that we lost, isn't it?)

Take care of yourself, hon.

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