Relationship with My Husband and Deperate for Having the 2Nd Child.

P.:

I'm sorry you are going through this.

You and your husband need counseling. You MUST learn how to communicate with each other again. Without the accusatory beginning (i.e. you promised, you agreed...).

Withholding sex in a marriage is, in my book, abusive. Sex is a VERY important factor in ANY marriage - whether it's touching or kissing, or something - it's intimacy that MUST be done to keep a marriage alive.

To play both sides of the coin here...

1. Your husband has a point. He is concerned about his age - there is a reason God made it to where we shouldn't have kids later in life - if by chance you got pregnant immediately, he will be 65 or 66 years old when the child graduates from high school - people will ask if he's the grandfather.
2. Money - money is a HUGE issue in many marriages. If money is tight already, just imagine how much tighter it would be with another child - diapers, formula (if you don't breast feed), clothing (if you have a boy instead of a girl), toys. You didn't say whether you work full time or are a Stay at home mom (SAHM) - if you work - do you make enough to cover the additional expense of infant day care? (i.e. $400 per week?) or would you simply be working just to pay day care?
3. Trust - it appears there is no trust in your marriage. Your husband MAY have agreed to 2 children, now, he's avoiding sex - he must feel that you might try to trick him to get pregnant.
4. You are now 40 years old - which puts you in a higher risk category for birth defects, other health issues, etc. If you don't have sex, he doesn't worry about getting pregnant. He has valid concerns for not wanting another child - however, he DID agree to 2 children and in actuality, this is a loss for you and anger is one of the steps/process of grief.

Now, to your side -
1. You wanted more children, you compromised, he broke his promise. You are angry.
2. He withholds sex from you and you NEED and WANT more, you are angry and sad.
3. You are feeling lonely and this is projecting to your daughter. If you are a SAHM, you can be proactive and get the noise of tother children in your home by hosting playdates for your daughter. This will also help you meet other mothers.

Bottom line - you need counseling - if he won't go, you MUST go. You need to b able to vent your disappointment and anger at someone. Your marriage needs help. Communication is key and if you can't communicate your issues, it will lead to more than just these issues. You must make a decision if this is how you want to live the rest of your life and if it's not you need to figure out what changes you need to make. Are you better off with him or without him? If it's with - then you need to be able to communicate with him so you can either compromise on another child (adopting an older one?) or not having another one at all. If you are better off without him - you need to start taking steps to get on with your life.

I hope you get counseling. I hope you get this resolved. I hope you are able to stay together and be happy as a family!

God bless!

Cheryl

Updated

P.:

I'm sorry you are going through this.

You and your husband need counseling. You MUST learn how to communicate with each other again. Without the accusatory beginning (i.e. you promised, you agreed...).

Withholding sex in a marriage is, in my book, abusive. Sex is a VERY important factor in ANY marriage - whether it's touching or kissing, or something - it's intimacy that MUST be done to keep a marriage alive.

To play both sides of the coin here...

1. Your husband has a point. He is concerned about his age - there is a reason God made it to where we shouldn't have kids later in life - if by chance you got pregnant immediately, he will be 65 or 66 years old when the child graduates from high school - people will ask if he's the grandfather.
2. Money - money is a HUGE issue in many marriages. If money is tight already, just imagine how much tighter it would be with another child - diapers, formula (if you don't breast feed), clothing (if you have a boy instead of a girl), toys. You didn't say whether you work full time or are a Stay at home mom (SAHM) - if you work - do you make enough to cover the additional expense of infant day care? (i.e. $400 per week?) or would you simply be working just to pay day care?
3. Trust - it appears there is no trust in your marriage. Your husband MAY have agreed to 2 children, now, he's avoiding sex - he must feel that you might try to trick him to get pregnant.
4. You are now 40 years old - which puts you in a higher risk category for birth defects, other health issues, etc. If you don't have sex, he doesn't worry about getting pregnant. He has valid concerns for not wanting another child - however, he DID agree to 2 children and in actuality, this is a loss for you and anger is one of the steps/process of grief.

Now, to your side -
1. You wanted more children, you compromised, he broke his promise. You are angry.
2. He withholds sex from you and you NEED and WANT more, you are angry and sad.
3. You are feeling lonely and this is projecting to your daughter. If you are a SAHM, you can be proactive and get the noise of tother children in your home by hosting playdates for your daughter. This will also help you meet other mothers.

Bottom line - you need counseling - if he won't go, you MUST go. You need to b able to vent your disappointment and anger at someone. Your marriage needs help. Communication is key and if you can't communicate your issues, it will lead to more than just these issues. You must make a decision if this is how you want to live the rest of your life and if it's not you need to figure out what changes you need to make. Are you better off with him or without him? If it's with - then you need to be able to communicate with him so you can either compromise on another child (adopting an older one?) or not having another one at all. If you are better off without him - you need to start taking steps to get on with your life.

I hope you get counseling. I hope you get this resolved. I hope you are able to stay together and be happy as a family!

God bless!

Cheryl

honey, look if your husband hasnt had sex with you since you were
pregnant two years ago and he is acting distant to you, the problem is not that he doesnt want another baby, the problem is that he is either
married to his job or he is DOING someone at work, which is why he is
spending so much time at work and after two years of him not sleeping with you, it should be pretty plain who he would rather be with. hire a private investigator, gather the evidence, and then talk to a lawyer
about what you should do next.
K. h.

I feel for you. I hope to have a second one too. I'm in my mid thirties and I hope this isn't a problem for my husband. Even though he sometimes cringes at the thought of a second one (due to the financial burden). If he said absolutely no, I think it would affect my marriage. I think it has to come down to your decision will you be happy for the rest of your life knowing you wanted more kids and didn't have any and will you start to resent your husband. If he wont have sex with you, how can you force him? It wont work. Its unfair that he said he wanted more before the marriage and has changed his mind. Best of luck to you.

It's unfortunate; but, it does take 2 to make a baby, so he would need to come on board in this case. Maybe you should speak to the heart of the matter. Affirm how great of dad he is with your 3 year old, how the two of you won't live forever, and she would be left alone, and really get to understand his concern about a second child. Try to understand his hesitancy--46, possibly 47 before having a 2nd child is a huge decision to make. He's probably feeling his age and can't imagine having strength to deal with more sleepless nights, lack of privacy, etc. You'll either have to make peace with being blessed with one child, or hope he'll change his mind by helping him overcome his insecurities. But, don't let the decision either way ruin the relationship the two of you have. If you have 1 or 100 children, eventually, they grow up and leave home and the relationship between the two of you must be solid.

As a divorce lawyer I can tell you that this kind of dynamic can tear your marriage apart. You really need to seek marital counseling. Suz is right that you should not try to get pregnant against his wishes. But by the same token, he pulled the rug out from under you by promising you more kids before you were married and now refusing to follow through. There are many possible solutions - making your home a magnet for neighborhood kids to play, leaving your husband for someone who wants more kids, or it's possible that he will come around when he realizes how much it means to you. But the bottom line is that you deserve to be happy and you should seek professional help to figure out how to change this situation.

I wish I had a solution to offer you. I feel sad that you are in such a difficult position. I have not gone through the same thing exactly, but I can relate to it. I am 40 myself and have been married three years. We have one child. He will be two soon. I said I wanted two kids. My husband said one would be fine. Now I am feeling the pressure to get pregnant, but I am overwhelmed with the task of caring for another new born, with my toddler still needing so much. My husband is willing to talk about it and I think if I felt as passionate about it as you do, he would support me, but I'm struggling about whether it is the right thing to do for us to have a second child. Are you concerned about your age and the risks of the child having medical problems? Are you concerned about having enough time and energy to give both children 100%? These are some of my worries. Regarding your relationship, maybe you should ask him to go with you to a counselor? Sometimes, it really helps to talk to a neutral third person.BEst wishes.

Hi P.,
From reading your entry I can truly understand why your husband doe not want to have another child. If he is 46, by the time the child graduates from high school, hubby will be 64-65 years old.
I know that I would not want to be taking care of and looking after a newborn when I as close to 50 as your husband.
And, at least he is concerned about finances. That is something that some parents doo not take time to consaider. Just because he has a good job now does not mean that it will always be there.
I have been married for 10 years and have two children. My daughter is 7 and my son is 2. I stay at home with my son.
I think you should try to look at things from your husband's point of view. It is not going to get you anywhere to keep nagging him.

there are two different things going on here. the child issue is so sad, and unfortunately it's not resolvable. if your husband doesn't want another baby, (and his reasons are perfectly valid), it would be a betrayal for you to get pregnant. fear of that is almost certainly affecting the other issue, the lack of intimacy. you may want to consider counseling to help you deal with your grief and longing for another child, which is real and totally valid. but both parents need to be on board, unless you are so adamant about this that you would be willing to leave him and either find a mate whose does want more children, or have more kids and be a single mom, a very difficult option.
what do you mean by not having a 'deep' relationship for more than two years? having sex would not turn your marriage into a deep relationship. my heart breaks for you because it sounds as if at the moment you have neither, neither a sexual relationship nor a deep one with him. it sounds as if this child issue has become so fraught with emotion for both of you that discussion about it is very hard to have. you need counseling, by yourself if necessary but couples counseling would be best. you really need to figure out a way to talk this through, not to make him accede to your wishes but so that you can figure out how to live together and be a cohesive happy family for the child you have, and who needs you both. refocusing on her might help you deal with some of your feelings of loss and anger about not having more.
please seek counseling.
good luck.
khairete
S.

Hi. I've been married for 12 years. and yes my marriage has had plenty of ups and downs. As for your husband changing his mind, could it be that he's just feeling old? Maybe he's decided that he doesn't want to go through the whole pregnancy, infant stage at 46. Can you try to think about it from his point of view? What if he wanted to have more kids, but you weren't ready?

You mention that he doesn't find you desirable anymore. Could there be some medical reason that he's just embarrassed to share with you? I had a medical thing going on, and kept putting my hubby off Finally he got really mad and called me on it. I had to open up and not tell him what was going on. I was shocked, its not that I was trying to keep stuff from him, I just didn't think he'd want to know or care. We're not a family that shares all of the minnute details about certain problems/issues esp. girl related issues. I still have the issue, and am now seeking medical help, so he's been understanding, but if he hadn't called me on it, I still wouldn't have let him in.

Have you considered being a foster parent or adopting? There are a ton of kids in VA that are looking for a loving home. Here is a link to child services. http://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/children.html

Hugs.
M.

i hate to say this but there is something else going on i yall arent having sex and he is addiment about not having another baby you better look into that farther that is a little suspious if you ask me my husband works third shift we have two boys and im pregnant with my third and i dont know a man on the planet that would turn down sex if something else wasnt going on i dont want to accuse anyone of anything but i have been there with my first marriage so take some advice look into really look into please for you and your child.