Should I Stay or Should I Go? - Riverside, IA

S.,
Right after my now hubby started dating I had a hysterectomy due to cancer. I had 2 kids from a previece marriage and him 2 kids from a pervise relationship. Even though I would loved to have more children with my hubby, he didn't want anymore even if I hadn't had the hysterectomy. But he has said if later on down the road I still have a need to have a child with him he would agree to an adoption. Becuase if that is what I want and really need then that is what he wants. So you have a very hard descion ahead of you! And I am so sorry that is what you face.I jsut thought I would let you know how fast a mans mind can change and adoption is always another choise, if ever his mind does change.I wish you luck!

If in your heart of hearts you truly want to have another baby, and share that bond with him... then I don't think you should take this vascectomy lightly. You both have to be on the same page because if you aren't, you may resent him later for not sharing a child with you. Yes it is great that you each have a child that is happy and healthy. But if you want another and he does not... then that could lead to later problems... unless you can honestly say that you will be 100% ok with never having another child. I had two with my first husband, and then my husband now had one. We have two together. I had to have that with him. I loved him so much and wanted to create a child with the man that I love. There is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you selfish, or ungrateful. It makes you human... it makes you a mother. I would not have been complete if I had not had a child with my husband. That is just me, but if you feel anything like I did... then I can tell you that you won't be happy in the long run. I hate to sound negative. I just can't help but feel for you. I am going to be praying for you because this is not an easy decision. You need to think with your head and your heart... and follow what you can "live" with. Take care and hope that I haven't offended you.

You should do what most of the responses are saying. But I think the best thing is to get some couples' counseling. My husband and I have gone through some pretty trying stuff and went into counseling three times, now we have the most amazing relationship that I could have only dreamed of. I do need to say though that God had a very large part of all the growth we did, so if you are a Christian, pray about it. It's the best thing you can do, but couples' couseling is the next best thing :) If you aren't a Christian, I didn't mean to be preachy, I just wanted to say that counseling is your best option, it will show you both where you stand and where to go from there.

I am pretty much in the same exact situation as you are in. The only difference is that the man I am with already had a vasectomy before we met. Even though I entered this relationship knowing that, I still ask my self the same question all of the time. I have thought about adopting another child, but at this point and time he does not want to do that. I know that this doesn't answer your question, but I hope that you can take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

You have to decide if you truly want more children. Be sure that it's just not that your children are now growing up and you "mourning" the fact that they need you less & less. Because another baby will do the same thing. and you'd be back to feeling the same way. If it is, then you just need to find a way to adapt you mothering skills to accommodate your growing children. Creating a family tree book that they can keep after your gone or something like that.

If you truly want another child and he doesn't not, then you don't want to stay and have regrets. You'll end up regretting him.

Also, vasectomies don't always work. I know 2 guys that had the procedure done and ended up with a child. They can be sometimes be reversed, but don't do it thinking you'll reverse it later.

You both should sit down & have a heart to heart conversation w/ your bf. And let him know how you feel.

Just ask him to wait a little while to get the surgery. I had a friend who had a teenage daughter and she met a man this did not want children of his own. They were married about 7 years ago and they changed their minds somewhere along the process and have added 3 additional children to the family roster. He may or may not change his mind, but at least at this point he has that choice.

I had a child very young and my husband had 2 kids from a previous marriage. We dealt with this issue at the very begining of our relationship. He had told me that he already had his family and didn't want anymore children. I was positive that I wanted more kids so I told him that I did want more kids and if we aren't looking for the same thing in a relationship then we just needed to stop seeing eachother and move on. He changed his mind and we have had 2 kids and he would like more. I am the one that ended up saying that 5 kids were enough. You need to decide if more children is really what you want. If he really doesn't then you need to take a practical look at whether or not you are on the same page and make a decision from there. If you really do want more kids and he gets a vasectomy, you may end up resenting him later

I think the thing you have to ask yourself is, Do you really want more kids. Can you spend the rest of your life with a man who will be unable to give you more kids. If you love him, it won't matter. Can you afford another child? I don't feel that's a main consideration but it may make your descision easier. It's up to you. Good luck!!! I hope this helps.

S., I don't know how to say this without it sounding aweful. My husband and I have talked about if we split that neither of us will have any more children. I was raised with full blooded sisters and a half sister, I think my mom and step dad tried, but we were never treated the same. I feel like it really took away my child hood after my mom and her husband had a child together we were treated with less attention and love. I am not saying that this is always the case and I am sure you would make all three a priority, but it is just an aspect of your other childrens life to think about.

I just have a few thoughts after reading your post and the responses you have received so far. First of all, what made him decide now to have this vasecotmy? Did he just make the appt without talking to you first? Is he doing it so that you can't "accidentally" get pregnant? My best friend is in the same spot as you. She has a child and her b/f has a previous child. They are starting to discuss marriage and the topic of another child. She is wanting one but he is not at this time. They have agreed to put off any type of permanent birth control but she remains getting the depo shot and he uses a condom. They are just letting the situation rest a while. Another thought is are you both finacially stable? Maybe that is a thought on his mind. There could be many many reasons that he wants to do this. But as said in a previous post, if he is willing to make this huge decision without talking to you first and not thinking of your feelings, how will he be on other decisions later in life? Just a few thoughts.

You might "accidentally" leave this site open and have him read what you wrote as concerns and what those of us who have been there have been through. Maybe he would be willing to talk then. Best of luck!

S....
Let's think about this for a second...you would like to have a child with the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with (you hope) and obviously if he is going for a vasectomy in a few weeks, he doesn't feel the same way. You really need to step back and reassess the situation. This is a major issue and not one that can be swept under the rug. If I were in your shoes...I would run (not walk) the other way. The love of your life obviously has other priorities in life and another child isn't one of them. Good luck to you in whatever decision you make.

S. - what do you want more...another child or to stay with this man? If you stay with him are you going to regret it in a few years because you don't have the option of having another child? He obviously has his mind made up that he does NOT want anymore so if you're ok with that, stay. But if you feel strongly enough about wanting more children, you should be with someone who wants that as well and that is not where you are. If you have any doubts about this guy, my guess is that he isn't the one. Good luck...I know you're in a rough place.

no one here is going to be able to tell you one way or another what to do or think about this. he is set in what he wants and if you are not ok with that you need to deal with the reality of what he is saying to you. he is saying no more and you want more. i think that from his stand point he has made up his mind indefinitly. getting a vasectomy is a big deal for men, but for them it really is the most proactive way that they can insure no more children. men don't do surgery, especially on their man parts, without really having a reason why. if you are at an impass on this i suggest that you see outside help in the next few weeks to get to the root of why you are not on the same track. is he done with kids altogether of is he just not wanting to start all over again? are you wanting a baby because yours is getting bigger or do you really want to just have a tiny little snuggly baby between the two of you. having a child each and not one from the both of you is hard, but it doesn't mean that either child is not apart of both of you and it doesn't mean that having a child between you both will solididate the relationship that the two of you have.

I would sit down with him after the kids go to bed so that youre not interupted. Tell him how important this is to you. Be honest with him about your feelings on this subject. He may change his mind if he knows how important it is to you. On the other hand, listen to his reasons for not wanting another child also. Then make a decision together on both having a baby and getting married.

I feel if you love him and his child you should stay, I understand your need for another child, however you have to respect his descion. I am a young mother and have 2 children my husband (bf @ that time) wanted more children I didnt and I couldnt so I got a tubil. I thought for sure my husband was going to leave, but he said that he cant leave me for a descion that i made cause he loves me, he stands by me and maybe later we will talk about adopting if I do maybe want more.
I am just sayin stand by him if you truly love him and his child , and then maybe down the road he and you can adopt ot even artifial you never know how you guys might feel later down the road. Well whatever you do decide I hope you are happy and wish you and your child happiness. take care

Well if he is getting a vasectomy then he a has already made up his mind. Now your choices are: Talk with him again expressing that you want to experience pregnacy with him and have his child. Or you have to decide if this is a deal breaker can you live with him and marry him but not have anymore children with him. You now have to think what can you live with? Good luck with your decision.

Hi S.-
I was in the same situation before I met my husband and it broke my relationship up with my ex. I had one kid from a previous relationship and I had entered this relationship and he had two kids from a previous marriage. My ex was 14 years older than me and was totally against having anymore kids because he already had two kids. We talked and we fought and never came to an agreement and we ended up breaking up because I was young and still wanted more kids and he didn't want anymore kids. I am now with a man that I truely love and he wanted kids which was a total plus. My suggestion to you is that you need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend and if he is still totally against you guys having any more kids and he goes ahead with the procedure then I would seriously consider really looking at what kind of relationship you have with him because if you really want more kids and you never are able to have them because he did something that you were totally against you are going to resent him and probably hold it against him and that is not a healthy relationship... Good luck with everything and I hope you come to a happy conclusion for everyone!!!!!

Based on the information provided, I’m making the following assumptions:

You love & respect this man
This man loves & respects you
You love and respect his child
He loves and respects your child
You love and respect your child
He loves and respects his child

In a nut shell, you are in a good relationship that is healthy for both you and your son.

If these assumptions are true and you decided to leave only because you want to have another child this could be confusing and damaging to your child. From your existing child’s and boyfriend’s perspective they could feel that this unborn child is more important to you than a happy stable home (or more important than they are). Even if you don’t agree with this statement, you should look at it from the others perspective and ask yourself…is it?

That being said, if you decide to stay, you do have to come to terms with not having another child. You need your boyfriend to understand that this is a difficult thing for you to grapple with and from your perspective it is a loss (just like if you lost a child or a pregnancy) and should be treated as such. You will need his support and understanding. Of course you can continue to discuss if another child is a potential option or not, but the final decision should be made ASAP so you all have a clear picture of your future together.

Remember, families come in all sizes shapes and types.

I hope this isn’t offensive and that it is helpful. Whenever I’m faced with something that appears to be insurmountable I remind myself of the quote below. I don’t know where I heard it, but I like it and I see it as a positive reminder that I can deal with anything given the love and support from myself and others

“Worse things have happened to better people – and they survived”

If you are torn between staying or going, then it is obvious that you are not ready to commit to this relationship, given the present disagreement. That's fine. That's okay. One should never get married when they have doubts.
I am concerned that, even though he is aware that you wish to have kids, and you two obviously have not come to an agreement, that he is still proceeding to have the vasectomy. Someone who truly cared about your emotions, would wait.
What is his true motive? Does he truly not want anymore children? Is he afraid that, having another child, he may have to pay child support sometime down the road?
There is no doubt that there are other men in the sea, to whom you'd get along 'great' with and who would wish to have children with you.
Note, if you stay in this relationship, and he goes through with the vasectomy against your desire, then you will harbor negative feelings, which will harm the relationship to its end.
Be true to yourself, and your child.
Sincerely,
S.

Hi, S.. Wow, it looks like this is a pretty common problem!

Yes, I've been in a similar situation myself. The difference is that I didn't have any kids, and my ex-bf had a grown daughter. This is a key difference.

I know that wanting a child with this man is a pretty powerful emotion. On the other hand, you are no less a mom if you don't have a kid with him. So it really does come down to which you want more, a kid with the man of your dreams or a relationship with the guy you have now (who might be the man of your dreams)?

A point of caution: Getting a vasectomy is a family decision (at least between the adults). If he's willing to do that without considering your feelings, he might do it again for other important decisions. Maybe he IS the one for you, but this could be a problem for you in the future.

And to followup on my story: I dumped that dead weight and became the (adoptive) mom to an awesome little girl!!! Life's never been better!!! -di

S.-

Hey! I would just tell him how you feel. That you want to have at least one more child. You need to communicate that to him, and tell him how much it means to you. Make sure you tell him before he goes in. Even if he still goes in and gets the procedure done, I would really set time and weigh your options. Is it more important to lose a relationship with a man that could be the love of your life, for one more child? Also, maybe he will want to have another child too you never know. Just let him know what it will mean to have a child you both together have created! I wish you the best of luck! Let me know how it turns out. Will be here if you need to talk anytime, I mean it!

C.

This could be a deal-breaker. You have to evaluate how much you love this guy and his son and balance it against how much you want a child with the person you marry. Which one is "heavier"? It's an important question. It's up there in the range of politics and religion. My aunt's marriage dissolved partially because she wanted kids and he didn't. Ironically, now she is childless and he has since remarried and adopted two children. You must express your desires to your husband-to-be...God bless.

Hi S.! First let me say I empathize with you. I am in a similar, yet different situation myself. My husband and I were not married when we had our son, and he had told me from the beginning that he wanted two children of his own (I have a daughter from a previous). We got married, and along was still telling me he wanted another but wanted to wait. As soon as we married the story changed and he no longer wants another child.

As I tell my husband this isn't a decision that is left entirely up to him and is something we need to discuss in detail and is something that you and your boyfriend should do as well. I know my situtation is different since I am now married, but communication is key in any relationship; especially when you are seriously dating someone and you have one of the biggest decisions in front of you...is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. You both need to take the time to sit down and TALK. Does he know you may want more children and is going through with a vasectomy anyways? If this is the case, that should raise some concerns in itself if he isn't willing to discuss the issue with you first, and obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

I can honestly say I don't know if it would have changed my decision to marry my husband or not if I knew then he didn't want any more children, but it would have made the decision all that more difficult because it was me giving up my dreams of having more children, of having a bigger family. You need decide if this is something you are willing to give up and if you are and will be happy being blessed with a precious 4 year old son, and the future possiblity of a precious 3.5 year old step-son.

I can re-iterate enough that you both need to TALK and I mean talk, heart to heart, especially with there already being two innocent little boys involved that will be directly affected if you stay or if you go.

Take Care!

Life and love are full of compromises, some small, some big. That said, I don't think that this is something you should necessarily bend on. I'm going to tell you my concerns: 1. He is getting a vasectomy against your wishes. I'm assuming you would not get pregnant on purpose without his agreement, so why would he so blatantly make this major decision without you. 2. I'm worried that you are so ready to leave. I'm sure you love him and I think if you are that intent on having another child then it could, in fact, be a deal breaker for your relationship. I do think you two need to have a serious and long talk. Discuss finances and the current situation of your family, but don't forget to delve into how strongly you feel for this man and how badly you do want another child. I wish you all the best... good luck.