My almost 4 year old son as of October, has been babysat by my mother and father since he was 6 months old. I work Monday through Friday 7-4 and drop him off at my mothers every morning. He has always been excited to go there, I wake him up by saying we are going to Grandma's now wake up! He is instantly up and has something to say about what hes going to do that day at Grandma and Grandpas.
For the past week now, he cries when I drop him off. My mother calls me because he is crying for me but once I'm on the phone he wont talk to me.
My 2 twin nieces are watched by my mother as well during the day so he has kids to play with.
I need advise. Is there something I'm missing, should I be concerned?
My nieces are 6 year old girls, one of which is very tom-boyish and plays well with my son the other is super girly and is constantly feeling left out. The girls are being watched only during the summer while school is out so its been about a month now that they are there with him at my mothers.
I have started talking to him more the night before to get him pumped up, I have also scheduled a play date today that my mother is taking him to. Once we arrive at my mothers I ask him if he is going to be a good boy and tell him "Don't cry today be a big boy, OK?" So today is day one of this new approach, if this doesn't work i will have to try something new, i like the little "stone" that he keeps in his pocket with him all day. He loves pockets and always finds something to put int here so I think i'll try that as well. Thank you everyone!
Just a phase I would guess, my daughter now 4 1/2 went through that a couple times over the last year with various activities.
When he is not crying, talk to him and see if he can tell you why he is upset. It could be something really simple, that he wants an extra hug or kiss. Or likes the way you prepare a snack more than Grandma... Sometimes it is just the reasurrance that you will come back...
Good luck!
Probably just a phase of missing his mom. How about giving him a secret treasure in the morning before you drop him off? My 2nd grandson was upset about nursery school until my daughter gave him a secret treasure to keep in him pocket. It was a small toy or a rock, bottle cap, or a sticker. Anything small enough to be put in his pocket unnoticed was his special treasure of the day. It really helped him feel special and no more tears.
I don't think there's anything *missing*, per se. I just wonder what happens when he cries with your mom. You say she's calling you... I think both of you can work on a plan to let him know he IS fine and right where he needs to be.
If he's missing you, I like Diane's suggestion of a little treasure. I had a preschooler in my group who had a pattern of having hard transitions; he used to have a few pennies in his pocket that he would hold onto, and that seemed to help him.
I also acknowledged the child's sadness at the separation, but then handed it back to them as to how they wanted to handle it. If they wanted to sit alone in the cozy corner or another quiet place and cry or look at books or snuggle with something, that was fine. I also offered : "Let me know if you want to write momma or daddy a note". This, I found, has worked really well with a lot of kids-- they get their feelings out, we put the note in an envelope/in their bag, and then they usually are ready to be in the present space with the other kids and caregivers.
That said, when they were *wanting* to sit and be sad and feel sad and wallow in it (and I do not say this unkindly-- some kids do have this temperament), I would just tell them that "it's okay to feel sad-- come join us when you are ready to play". This way, we acknowledged the feelings and that they were okay, but things didn't come to standstill because of the tears and drama. This isn't a new transition for your son, so staying very grounded and centered around it will help him. If WE treat it more like the end of the world, it will amplify for him as well.
Good luck! (Oh, and don't forget the Kissing Hand book by Aubrey Penn. That's another nice tradition some parents use!)
With him getting older, his emotions are maturing, he's more aware of things, and that can play a huge role in missing you during the day. Some children at different stages of their life, become more attached to their parents and have separation anxiety regardless of how happy they are at their babysitters/grandparents house. He'll be ok. Perhaps do something that is just for you and him....some special time with him will help a lot, and do that also with your twins. Quality time with parents usually helps children who are missing them during the day while they're at work. :-)
My only advice is to investigate- ask and listen- really listen. If you truly want to know what is making him cry (which my heart says you do) then don't pump him up and ask him to be a big boy and not cry. My sense is that something happened (could be benign, but scary to him anyhow) and he needs to feel safe and accepted enough to tell you. If you make sure he feels safe telling you, I think in one way or another he will tell you. It might be through something subtle like through play. I think if you are determined you can find out and help him. If it's something serious, the sooner the better. If it's something smaller that just traumatized him, you can help him clear it and move on. If we ask our boys to be big and not cry, I think we are starting a process of encouraging then to cut off from feelings... I hope this helps.
I am reading "Trauma Through the eyes of a Child" and it's fantastic if you are interested. Basically talks about how the nervous system registers trauma not necessarily by the severity of the experience- so for one child even a small fall can trigger a trauma response under certain circumstances. Best of luck
Did it start when the twins started being watched by your mom? Obviously, something is wrong. Ask what he does with them during the day, what kind of games do they play. Maybe one of them hits him when grandma is not looking..........
How old are they anyway?
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU INVESTIGATE…to this very day I have a stigma and really cautious when it comes to babysitters. I am in no way suggesting that your mother is harming your child, but I can vividly remember on more than several occasions with several different babysitters unfortunate events. To this day, I NEVER told my parents what went on at the babysitters…When I was four, I was molested by an older child when the babysitter left the room unattended; One of my other babysitter’s daughter wanted me to perform sexual acts with her (she was about 13) and threatened to harm me or make up a lie and tell her mother (babysitter) I broke piece a furniture and her mother would beat me. When my mom started working nights, she would allow my aunt to babysit me. When my aunt fell asleep, I was molested by a family friend. I highly suggest that you sit down with your child and ask him what goes on at your mother’s house and remind him that no one will hurt or harm him if he tells you. Out of fear, I never told my parents and as I got older I didn’t tell them because I was embarrassed. This needs to be a consistent conversation throughout his childhood. I hope this helps.
