Trouble Adjusting to Kindergarten. Help!

He will get the hang of it but it just takes time with some kids. Invite over some of the kids in his class for one on one playdates. Try to do this once a week. Or meet them at the playground for one on one playtime. That will help him to make friends quicker...and to realize who he likes playing with and who he doesn't really mesh with.

Just a warning about the lunch visit one - I did that and my visits at lunch made her even more homesick and started the crying all over again. Some kids are just more anxious than others.

I would usually trust the teacher's advice, but, "set him back"?! Back from what, the amazing success he has experienced so far?!

I think you might as well try having lunch with him! Especially if other kids' parents do...might be a good way for you to connect with other parents and start setting up play dates and things like that.

ETA: I've read other posts, after mine. My big concern is that for some reason your son is aware that lunch visiting is allowed - I can only assume that he knows because he sees the other kids' parents visiting for lunch. Why else would he have known to suggest that? I worry that you'll stick out like a sore thumb-mama if you refuse to have lunch with him. It might be good for YOU, as a parent, to go and meet all of the other lunch parents.

How about sending him to school with a secret thing. My second grandson was upset about going to school so I suggested my daughter give him a treasure every day to keep in his pocket. It could be anything from a bottle cap to a rock to a sticker or a little lego figure. It was something different every day and only Nate and his mom knew he had it.

Also set up a routine for school so that he knows what will happen next. Do the same thing every morning so that it's second nature to him. School probably has it's own routine so he'll figure it out and settle down.

I would read him The Kissing Hand.

I might also ask the teacher and school counselor for ideas on how to help him cope. Keep the good byes upbeat and short. If you pick him up, you might ask him about x student that day. "Oh, so that's George! It's good to put a name with a face. Did you and George enjoy playing on the playground today?"

I would also pack quick food. It's hard to make it all day with no food. Encourage him to drink his milk, at minimum. And make sure he has a good breakfast.

I agree with the teacher. Also if you tell him you can't come until he stops crying it's going to reinforce that his crying is bad and that he has to hold him emotions inside. That's not good either.

I don't know what to say, he needs to adjust for sure. Why does he have a melt down at lunch? Is it the transition from one room to another? Does his teacher leave? Is he sitting alone? Do they make kids sit together and the other kids are saying things to him about his crying? Something is setting him off.

Too bad you can't put a recorder on him so you can see what's going on...he just doesn't have the words to tell you what's going on.

How about you try play therapy...not that you're a therapist or anything but set him up and the step back and listen.

Get a couple of dolls, they can be action figures but they might overshadow his acting out what's going on. For instance if he has Spiderman it might be that Spiderman would come to the rescue and then he'd be playing some cartoon out or something.

What he needs is dolls that favor people. Like Ken, Barbie, Skipper, etc...or non-baby doll type dolls.

Tell him you'd like for him to play school with you. To show you what his day is like. Make it sound fun so he'll join in and play "his" day.

Then after a few minutes get a phone call or have to go to the kitchen to get something off the fire. Stand outside the room and listen. If he continues to play his day out you might get some insight into what is really bothering him.

It might be your leaving, it might be sitting in the gym for morning assembly, it might be a scary looking teacher that is outside helping kids each morning, it might even be the seats in the lunch room aren't comfortable. It could be something and it could be nothing more than comfort.

Crying when dropped off is pretty normal. Crying at lunch? Not so much.

If he goes through with this and you don't find out anything wrong they he's likely just having a hard time. He's had time away from you before so it's not like he's been at home for 5 years with no time away. He may take 2-3 weeks IF nothing is setting him off.

Hi ZM,

I think I understand why the teacher made the comment about a mid-day visit being a setback; for kids who get upset at separation, having a second separation in the middle of the day is so hard for everyone. I did see this on more than one occasion last year when I volunteered at my son's school. (He did K last year). For the kids whose parents returned to further soothe the child later in the day, it was *always* the case that there were tears and upset during the visit or even after. Many kindergarteners would be upset if their parent came to volunteer because they didn't understand that the parent wasn't there for *just them*, but for the whole group. This is a *huge* shift in the child's perception of their parent, and while some kids do fine with it, for others, it's just a huge gap to bridge. Thus, they were upset if their parent showed any attention to any other kids and parting once again became something the teacher had to attend to. So,understand that this is another possible reason for him to be upset if you visit. And at the beginning of the year, this becomes even more difficult because the teachers are still learning the children's names and dealing with figuring out the interpersonal dynamics which happen at lunch/recess times. She's just trying to get the kids adjusted and to help contain emotions, period. Huge work.

So, I can see why she advised you not to come in for lunch right now. She wants to give him time to let him work things out on his own-- and he will feel so good when he does. Sometimes, giving children time to learn how to cope is the kinder thing we can do.

I also agree with having a note in the pocket, a "Kissing Hand"... some sort of ritual to help with separation. You don't want to give something so distracting that he doesn't pay attention to the teacher, but something that soothes. A felt heart or a little note "mommy loves you", something that's just for him. Audrey Penn's "The Kissing Hand" is great for this.

Remember, too, that although you are heartbroken when he falls apart, he needs you to be a good actor and pretend that you are confident he is going to have a good day and meet friends. A confident goodbye is so helpful. In my experience, the more we try to soothe, the more we try to reassure and reason, for some kids, this actually makes things worse. It's hard to say this and not come across as mean, but here goes: for some kids, our lingering and reassurance is very validating but in the wrong way. It validates the behavior. It tells them "you do have a reason to be upset". We don't want to be heartless, and we do want to work with the teachers. Now that the teacher knows your son is having a rough time of it, ask her to keep an eye out for him in the mornings. Try a quicker drop-off, keeping things upbeat and cheerful. If negative talk starts (or the sad predictions "no one likes me" "I'll be lonely"), I often answer kids with a matter-of-fact "well, now, you don't know that for sure. I saw lots of friendly kids here yesterday" sort of answer. Just stating the good facts.

It's tough, mama. If it continues to be tough after a few weeks, it's time to check in with the school counselor and ask for suggestions. Work with the teacher to develop a quick, positive drop-off routine. Our kids all have different challenges regarding school, and this is just one of them. Most parents won't say it, but many of our kids have their meltdowns on the way home from school, after they get home, or in the evening around bedtime..you just aren't seeing them. :) Also be sure he is getting enough sleep and a nutritious breakfast/a calm morning. Just my experience, but I found that kids who were experiencing a lot of transitions in the morning also had a harder time than kids who were well-rested and had a smoother morning. Consider no television before school, too. The reason for this being that watching tv causes the release of dopamine in the brain and when they stop, they actually go through a dopamine withdrawal. You want to eliminate any factors which could add to the emotions.

Good luck--hopefully things will improve for your son as you go forward. I know it's hard-- and it is SO hard to have the loud, crying kid, but you'll both make it through this. I promise!

He will stop crying. I have my 2 YO in preschool and they said HE WILL CRY UNTIL THE END OF SEPTEMBER. Don't pull him, they tell me.

I think grade K is a big step up, though. New kids, new school, etc.

With ours we usually knew kids from preschool or sports.

This falls in the normal range.
I know it is very hard to leave him crying but the teachers really do know how to handle this. Trust them, listen to them and follow their suggestions.

Believe it or not, most children do not know other children in kindergarten.. Our daughter did not know even one person at her elementary school in kinder, but she was able to adjust.

The way I tried to help was on drop off, if I saw a child from her class, I spoke to the parent and introduced myself and then introduced my child. They then introduced themselves and their child. We then had the children say good bye and walk into the class together.

I did not join our daughter for lunch for the first month. I just felt like she needed to have her own community and a set schedule that did not include me during the school day.

I suggest you try to put together an afternoon playgroup on the school playground with different kindergarteners and their parents. ask other parent if this sounds like something they would like to participate in and which afternoon works best. Send out a note that on a certain afternoon, you al are going to meet up right after school for snacks an and hour of playtime, so you can meet each other.

I suggest you send it out to every kindergarten family.. just mention it to the teacher or the Principal to make sure this will be ok. . I would purchase a bright colored paper and ask if you can make copies on the school copier. Find out how many Kindergarteners there are so you will have enough for the teachers to pass out for the folders.

Include your name email address and phone number. Let them know to bring a drink and snack for their children.

At our daughters school, one of the moms started this and then it turned into a Welcoming committee. They held a gathering once a month at a local coffee shop to discuss the upcoming month and what to expect. They discussed homework, tests, traditions.. all sorts of things that go on at the school so ANY family that is new had a person to ask. If you want more info. PM me.

The secret ids for you to be confident he is doing great. That your son is going to make friends. That his teacher likes him.. Stay strong and calm for your child.

One week is not enough time to adjust.
It takes more like 4 to 6 weeks.
Don't visit him - it will set him back.
He will make friends and it will get better.
The elementary school our son went to had a thing where parents could come to lunch just before Thanksgiving holiday - that would be better timing for having lunch with your son.
Every day after school ask him what he did during the day, did he get to use crayons today, what did he use crayons for, where does he sit in the room, does a girl or a boy sit next to him, etc and so forth.
Really, he'll be much better before Halloween comes around.
It's just going to take some time.

Do not have lunch with him. The worse thing you can do. He will adjust. Just give him time. I probably would hold off on the soccer. Let him adjust to school. That in itself is enough. Doesn't he take a school bus.

When you drop him off, give him a kiss, tell him to have a good day and go. Do not linger. He will take his cues from you. If you are concerned and worried he will be.

You have received a lot of good suggestions already. What if you rewarded his not crying with a lunch visit? Maybe one week of no crying at all means that you can have lunch with him? My kids respond well to those kinds of rewards.

Good luck! My youngest starts Kindergarten tomorrow!

Have you read The Kissing Hand book? It really helps!
Dont let him see this is stressing and upsetting you, he wont understand that he is causing the stress, he will think the stress comes from your worries about him going to school. You need to be a great actress! Have you asked the teacher and aids for specifics, how long does he cry after drop off? Does he cry off and on throughout the day or just at lunch? If other moms are coming in to eat lunch, it could be upsetting him that you don't. if he only cries at lunch and doesn't cry for long after you leave then maybe you could go in for lunch, just leave promptly after lunch and dont be surprised if he cries. Just hope it doesn't last long. Having parents at lunch is such a bad idea for the first weeks of Kindergarten!

There's a wonderful chapter in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, that shows how a mother helped her child handle exactly this kind of separation trauma by getting her daughter to help brainstorm ways to handle her own anxiety. One of the daughter's ideas was "I'll cry if I need to." I've used this sort of approach with several children, including the crying child that I was babysitting, and it gave the children emotional resources they hadn't recognized before. Good stuff!

I'm a big fan of lunch box notes. Draw a picture since your little guy might not read yet.
Also read the children's book "Mommy in My Pocket".

Maybe drop him off at the before care, before school? That way he can make some friends outside of class and have more time to adjust in the morning being away from you before school starts.

I used to have lunch with my kids, and they would fuss and cry because I wouldn't stay after to go to the class with them. I told them that I would have to stop if they kept crying. So I did stop for a while. Towards the end of the year I popped in again for parents day and their birthday.

We also send little notes in the lunch box, written on a paper towel.
One kid in my daughter's class had a picture of him and his parent tapped to the inside of his lunch box.

He will adjust.
It can take up to 3 months to adjust.
He is in Kindergarten.
He is NOT the only one like this.
I work at my kids' school.
The TEACHER also talks to the kids... and teaches them that teasing is NOT nice. NOR allowed etc.
At my kids' school, when there is a kid crying because they miss Mommy... I will tell the other table-mates on the cafeteria table "Hey kids, Johnny misses his Mommy. That's okay. All kids miss their Mommy. Its normal. Can you all be thoughtful, and help him? He just needs a nice friend now. Can you ALL be a "team" and help him feel comfortable?" And they do. And then pretty soon all the other kids will tell me they miss their Mommy too. And I tell them that's okay. And then they feel more comfortable.
IF at the cafeteria, a kid is crying/missing Mommy and can't eat, WE try and redirect the kid. Keep in mind the teachers do not eat with the kids... all the time. They are on lunch break too. Therefore, in the cafeteria, there are staff 'Supervisors' in the cafeteria. And it depends on how they handle the kids and/or if a kid is crying for whatever reason.
The example I gave above, is the way *I* handle it.
And sure, if a kid is sad/crying at the cafeteria, they may not be able to eat. But I will remind them to eat, because their body needs it etc. And pretty soon lunch time will be over.

Your kid will adjust. At my kids' school at least, there is a Counselor that helps the young kids like this, and she works with the Kinder kids, especially. If there are adjustment trouble.
But, again, remember that it can take TIME... for a kid to adjust.
At home, talk with him and try to be positive about it all. So that, you give him, a feeling of being self-able. Not just sad.

I've been subbing with Plano isd ( only my daughters elementary school) for 12 years.

I agree to keep your goodbye short and sweet and don't go have lunch with him yet. It's only been a week and it takes some children a few weeks to get into the routine of things.

I can assure you that his teachers are working with him.... It's what we do.

Don't let him pick up on your emotions and/or uncertainty.

Best wishes, I know its a tough adjustment for both of you.

I know one parent who would pack a pictures of his family in his pockets and lunch box. They told the child that every time he got homesick to pull out the picture and know you were thinking about him (most kids that age can't read yet). That did the trick...maybe it will help for you.

Kids are wonderful, but they pick up stress from others. Something is on his mind & he is trying to deal with it on his own. My grandson is very social but kindergarten was AWFUL ! Pre-school & pre-k was easy. He was reading, adding, & was felt smart & good about himself. Then came kindergarten. He started having "accidents" at school. His teacher was putting soooo much pressure on him, that he felt awful about himself. He was told that he was behind in everything. I am not saying that his teacher is doing this, but something is bothering him. Let him earn the lunch with mommy. Maybe 2 weeks of no crying & then "lunch". As far as soccer, is he ok with kids away from school ? If so, why not try it. What could it hurt ? It will get better.