Brother and Sister Getting Along

Hi Tammi!
That's a tough one that I think we all struggle with. My kids (son 10yrs next month, daughter 7yrs in 2 weeks) get that way too. And often. But really, if I think about it, MOST of the time, they play together and get along quite well. It's just that we NOTICE more when they don't. (I know that's probably true at your house too, isn't it?) And all the experts say that when kids are "bad" they are trying to get attention, whatever it takes... I think part of it is just struggling to figure out how they "fit" into things: the family, their friends, the world. Particularly as close in age as yours are, maybe competition with each other is a constant factor. (Mine are not ALWAYS competitive, but introduce a third playmate into the mix and it is INSTANT).
Is it possible to spend one on one time with them separately? When one of mine has another activity (goes to a friend's house for the afternoon, or a birthday party, etc) I like to do something "special" with the other one- even if that "special" thing is just teaching them how to clean the bathroom, lol. Or let Dad take one to do something and I do something with the other one. They get to have sole attention for a bit without having to compete for it. (And then talk about what you did over dinner all together).
Another thing I find is that if I let my kids go somewhere together without us (the parents) they stick pretty close and enjoy each other. Let them go to their grandparents', or aunt's for a day or two or three... or even just swap them out with some family friends (you can offer to do the same with their kids if they have some).
When I let them do things on their own, they usually get along much better, especially if I stay way back and observe without being noticed observing. If I am visible or in earshot, they don't work things out, they tattle and complain to me constantly about the other. I have learned to ignore a lot. Usually their interest in "getting" the other one fades as fast as my interest in hearing about it...
I don't know if any of this will help you, but if you find a better way, let the rest of us in on it! LOL...
Oh, one other quick thing: I also have found that if I let them sit in front of the TV (even for a little while, but I'm guilty of long TV afternoons when I really need to get something done without worrying what they are up to) they get much more irritable... with each other and with me. When I don't let them watch, they have to become much more creative to stay entertained... and they usually figure something out together and get along.. at least until they get worn out or hungry!

Hi Tammi,

You may want to check out a book called, "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" by Sarah, Stephen, and Grace Mally. I know what you mean, I have a six and a three year old. Remember, each situation can be used as a training opportunity. I think those are good times for us as parents to have our own attitude evaluations, also! :)

C.
Healthy Alternatives
http://chandra4health.blogspot.com

Hi Tammy. I have a 8 year old step son and a 3 year old daughter, so thank goodness, due to the age difference, we don't have the same trouble as you. But I read this idea somewhere and I think it is a good one. When an argument arises, have your two go to the table and have a seat opposite one another. Have a timer on hand. They each get to speak in 30 second intervals. You may want to flip a coin to see who goes first the first time, and then alternate 'first speaker' turns if you use this method again. The main rule is that while one sib is stating their case, the other must not interrupt at all. When 30 seconds is up, it is the others turn, no matter what. After an equal amount of turns, if they aren't making progress on their own, you may want to start guiding them in the right direction. But this way they each get an uninterrupted chance to state their case and defend themselves, so I would assume that would eliminate some "I'm not getting heard" frustration. Good luck to you!

Hey Tammi and Ladies,

I agree with the other reponses. Siblings should be held accountable for what they do to each other positive or negative; with consistency and holding them responsible for their part in the bickering. Anything you incorporate into getting them to resolve their conflicts, modeling appropriate behavior and be consistent. Nip it in the bud and they will learn to appreciate one another.

Me personally, we have three children ages 10,8,6 two are boys and the youngest a girl. I have just stuck with consistency, that is EVERY time they bicker, fight, or say something mean to each other I make them apologize immediately! Then they must say they love each other and hug then think of something nice to say one to the other and it can't be a repeat from the last that incident or what the other person said. Also, I beleive in accountability when apologizing that is to say what exactly you did wrong and why your sorry. This gets to the heart of the matter and lets them see their folly.
Hopefully this helps. Yes, at first they will look at you like your weird or crazy!

Tammi,
The arguing is not the problem, everyone argues, it's the how they argue that is the problem.
They are unique individuals, so they will have to be taught how to appreciate each others uniqueness.
I suggest you reading the book How to Argue so your spouse will listen (you can find it on Amazon.com) and then teach them to apply the principles to their relationship as sister and brother.
You will need to work with them together and one on one.
You and your husband may need to model your own arguments for them so that they can see and hear how to argue effectively. They will learn respect and understanding for each other and you will be amazed!
Take Care,
T., counselor and mother of 4