Help with Kids Fighting

I have boys 13 and 11 and have already had my fill of fighting having them home for the summer all day. I give them warnings, but when they get physical I take away all their privledges and only allow them "to play the PS2, but only a 2-player game that they must share" or they cannot play......at first my oldest said forget it and I told him option #2 was to weed my garden bed together. I had peace all afternoon and it has definitely been a lot more quiet. Sometimes you almost have to pull a nutty on them to make them realize that you have had enough. I also explained to them in a calm voice that it is not pleasant to be around people who argue all the time and that they might want to consider that since it would begin to effect friends coming over. Now when they are fighting I just say "that doesn't sound like care or sharing words.....do you two need some more time sharing" and it magically stops.

Good luck

I know this probably isn't the warmer fuzzier advice, but I have 3 boys...22, 18 and 9. When the older two were younger they used to fight, shockingly enough, they are best friends now. Another friend of mine with boys suggested this, it's a joke in my house now. Open the door and tell them "no fighting in the house, blood doesn't come out of the carpet." At my wits end one day, I tried it. They had the funniest looks on their faces, but they did stop fighting. Another, kinder solution is to make them sit on the front steps and hold hands. They are boys, the fighting won't completely go away it's part of how they express themselves, but it will tone it down some. Hope it helps and good luck. Jo

Parenting with Love and Logic is a great resource. or try the web site At loveandlogic.com

My boys are a little younger, but I find that positive reinforcement of the good behavior often works much better than punishing the bad behavior. You could try a sticker, where they get some sort of reward after earning so many stickers for periods of beng nice to or not fighting with each other. My son does better with an instant reward, so I give him a quarter, which he can then save for a toy he wants, when he's "caught" being nice to his brother. I also find that one on one time is extremely important.

Good, luck,
R.

Hi , I was just talk to a woman the other day about a book she just read- she thought it might be called surviving the summer. Anyway it said that when they fight they both goto there room( time out, what ever) the key is not to ask what happen or give much attention to the fight- & they both get punished. Not just one. She said once they stopped getting the attendtion the fighting slowed way down. They we also told to work it out themselves. again w/o getting attendtion from you it just stopped. I hope this helps. I wish i could remember the name of the book.

My kids are younger than yours, so the fighting is different (6,3, and a third due in Feb.), but I very very highly recommend the book _Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too_ by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It, and their other books, are my childrearing bibles. Not only do the methods they suggest stop the fighting, but they give your kids the conflict resolution skills they'll need later in life.

Good luck!

I can totally understand what you are going through! I have two sons 18 and 16 and they STILL go through this!!! It's hard when they are close in age because alot of times they share the same friends and that alone causes a certain amount of competitiveness. I used to just about cry at night when they were little because of the constant fighting all day. This is going to sound completely foolish but I just started making them "take it outside", I would literally make them go outside and work it out. I told them that I wasn't going to take anyone to the hospital and I basically pretended to ignore it and eventually it just subsided. They still have their bickering spells but I stay out of it and they work it out on their own. Sometimes I think the more we pay attention to them the worse it becomes, even with the sibling rivalry. It really is to be expected but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with!! This might make you feel better but my boys really do have a good relationship now and they get along much better, they really love eachother alot....which when they were little I swore they would grow up and hate eachother!! Hope this helps even a little!

Hi L.,

We have 12 year old twin girls and we've been having the same problems for about 2 years now. We took away TV, phone time, stuffed animals, field trips etc, we've tried rewarding them for good behaviour, things seem to work for a little while and then they don't care about it anymore and go right back and worse how they did before.
Now, they are suppoed to go on a cmping trip with their music group and otherkids and parents do not want to be in the tent with them because of their fighting and pickering. We sat them down last night and explained to them what we were told and the consequences that no one would like to be friends with them .... There was no fighting this morning ...but I know it is just a matter of time...
I'm sorry, I know that really doesn't help you much - if you find out what to do please let me know!
Thanks,
T.

Hi L. -
You could try a couple of different things. One, try "allowing" them just a certain amount of time together for play. See how long they usually can play well together and then give them 5 -10 minutes less time. If they typically play well together for 45 min., give them only 30 and then make them go their separate ways for awhile. Ideally this should stop trouble before it begins. Have something in mind for each one to do at the time you separate them tho. A couple hours later or when they, or you, think they are ready, let play together again. You could also try exaggerating their bickering. Before it gets too bad, step in and whine and complain along with them. This will work with my daughters on occasion because they get to see the humor in it when I'm silly with it. We can then usually figure out how to solve the issue and they sometimes choose to separate themselves for awhile. One other thing is to explain to them that with that kind of behavior, there is no way they can have a friend over or do something special. They have to learn to get along if they would like special consideration to do things. Good Luck!

I read a great book called Siblings Without Rivalry. It was published in the eighties but still is helpful today. I bought my copy used on amazon and found it to be quite helpful.

Try the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. The person who recommended it to me has three teenagers who get along amazingly well, and it's working even with my two little ones.

sit down with them when it happens. Say I am going to ask what happened and you will each have a turn to tell me. Let one explain their point of view, then the other. That way they see each others point of view. Maybe use a non weapon object to hold while the person talking can hold when is is their turn. Call it talking stick or whatever. After each has explained what happened ask the first what the consequenses should be and how to avoid this conflict, then the other gets a turn. They will gain insight and empathy and may surprise you.

My mom used to make us apologize to each other , hug, & tell each other "i love you". We HATED it. I dont think there was much for issues after that. :)

-married fulltime working mom of 2 girls 4 & 7. They have there share of fights too. I fear it getting worse in later yrs as they approach pre-teen!

I don't have any advice per se, but I just wanted to let you know that my younger sister and I fought all the time when we were kids (not physically, but we just didn't get along). We were, and still are to some extent, just really different from one another. It was the luck of the draw that we were siblings - we otherwise wouldn't have chosen to be friends. i don't know if that's the case with your kids. If it is, then perhaps just accepting that they are going to bicker and not letting it get to you as best you can might be the most helpful. You could certainly set parameters for what is acceptable behavior - no hitting, etc, but know that they might not play peacefully together and as such try to find things for them each to do on their own. The bright note is that as soon as I moved away to college my sister and I got much closer, and are very close now that we're adults. We just didn't live well together. So I'm sure this must be miserable for you, but it doesn't mean that they're in for a "forever" of not getting along. I hope things get better during the school year too, when there isn't so much togetherness. Good luck!

My kids are younger...they also fight and play nicely...but here are some thoughts: Give them their own seperate things to do. Maybe sign them up for a half day camp or classes so that they each have their own time to themselves and that when they are together they it will feel special. On the Supernanny I also saw a suggestion that is completely opposite and that is getting the boys involved in a project that they have to accomplish together so that they work as a team. I know it's frustrating...my kids are still young and I am already struggling with it.

Good luck to you! I am sure that the boys will grow up to be best of friends.

H. Z. (SAHM to 4 3/4, 3 1/2 and 13 month old boys)

Hi L.,
I am not a psychologist, but have had lots of experience with children. Question: Have you tried giving the boys an individual activity outside of the home? One that will highlight each ones individual talents. It sounds to me that they are in competition with each other. For whatever reason,there is sibling rivalry, which is not uncommon in most families. Maybe the son who hits first could try karate to learn control or a sport to learn team behavior, while the younger one could take music lessons to build up self esteem so as not to react or respond to the first child's more agressive behavior. This will give each one of them something to focus on and create confidence and individuality. My sister and I, 46 and 44 have never (seriously) had a big fight for that very reason. My sister took art classes and had very different afterschool activities than I did. I took music classes and put my head in the piano, later joining theater groups and music groups. Totally different individual people with confidence and creative abilities. I hope this helps and things will lighten up for you and your husband. Take care, B.

Hi L.- I don't know if this is part of the 1-2-3 Magic program or not, but this is what we do when our 9 year old twins fight:
When we start to hear things "revving up" (i.e. voices raised, threats, yelling, etc), we go into the room where the kids are, and calmly tell them, "You're at a 1 right now. When you get to 3, you both leave this room and go to different rooms until you can be together again without fighting. Do you need help working things out?" Usually it's a "no". After a few minutes things usually are at that stage where it's beginning to break down again, so I go and tell them, "You're at a 2 now. If you don't change you're behavior, you'll be at 3 soon, and then you'll both have to go to different rooms". I don't argue, or get into the "but mom, he did such and such", just walk away.
If you get to 3, then you HAVE to make them go to different rooms, (you should decide where they go). After they've been separated and quiet and calm, go to each separately and ask if they think they're ready to be with their brother without fighting again. If they both agree separately, then allow it, but remind them what will happen if they fight again.
this allows for the kids to learn to control their own behavior, and take responsibility for their actions. It also gives you an opportunity to praise their successful negotiations or abilities to compromise and work things out on their own.
it means you will have to tolerate some loudness that may likely erupt into fighting at times until they get used to the plan, and it means you will have to have trust in their abilities to figure things out without you.
Kids will sometimes allow themselves to get out of control because they "know" an adult (parent, teacher) will impose the control on them and calm them down. This program changes that. It puts them in charge of themselves.
I hope it works. Good luck. I hate to hear my kids fighting.

Why don't you try having them hold hands for a short amount of time. For example: the fighting starts, you or you husband set them on the couch next to each other and have them hold hands until the timer goes off ( 5 min.). When the time out is done have them say sorry and hug. I have done this myself and my friend, it worked well for both of our families. Right now when you send them to the bedroom the both get personal space, which is causing the argument in the 1st place.

good luck

I have 3 boys 13, 10 & 8. They fight at times.

First I check in, did they eat? (this is the most common problem) are they tired? (late night or up during the night) Is there some other factor I may have missed?

If not then I take away whatever they are fighting over. And I tell them whatever it is it is not as important as their brother, right? I get them to agree to that. If it's a minor fight I ask if they can work it out or do I need to take whatever it is away. If not I just take it away.

Often they fight when they get bored so I redirect them to go read, go outside to play or call a friend. If I can then I set up an activity we can all do together, like baking, a game or a craft.

Often my boys need to get some exercise, they have a lot of energy to burn off. If they tell me there's nothing fun to do outside then I tell them then need to do laps around the outside of the house before they can come in again.

During a difficult time of transition we went through which caused a lot of fighting I had the boys give each other a hug good night each night. I also made sure I was touching them a lot. It really helped to make them all feel loved & like they were getting what they needed.

Boys are such a blessing!

OMG - you poor thing! That is exactly why God gave me one... (He knows just what he is doing!)

I have to tell you a cute remedy. I was raised with 10 kids - i was #6. When any of us would fight, my mother would make us sing whatever we wanted to say!

Needless to say, we'd either be so angry that we didn't want to open our mouths for fear of sounding silly - or we'd sing whatever stupid thing we wanted to say and end up cracking up because it was indeed very silly.

I'm not sure this will work with your boys... But anything is worth a try!

Good luck.

Get this book by Anthony Wolf: "Mom, Jason's breathing on me..the solution to sibling bickering." It is fabulous.

His approach is to not get into the conflict. You let them settle it. They need to figure it out. (Unless they are hurting each other - then you separate them for a period of time.) If you continue to listen to each side and try to find a solution for them - you will continue to do that forever -and who wants that?

My 6 year old and her 8 year old stepbrother are best friends and I'm telling you the strategy in this book is the reason why. Good Luck,
T.

Hi L. - I saw someone else already recommended the book by Anthony Wolf. Get it!! I love that book and it really allows you to make the arguing THEIR problemn, not YOUR problem.