An Ex That Makes Threats

If I were you, I'd document everything he says bout this situation and any other threats he makes. Hide the documentation somewhere good. You never know if you might need it.

And leave this loser already. Once he finds someone new himself, he'll have something else to think about.

Forget about RED FLAGS, his statements are SIRENS BLARING. I was taught and learned that people mean what they say and say what they mean.

Step 1: Don't say another thing to him about your relationship.
Step 2: Get your legal house in order.
Step 3: Get your physical life in order.
Step 4: DUMP HIS SORRY SELF.

Document everything. Crazy people are crazy and they mean what they say and this could escalate into something tragic for you and your child. Don't let that happen. Be very wise about what you do from here.

Big red flag. Not marriage material. Break up and move on. What you do after he's no longer your SO is none of his business.

Break up, move on.

Talk to an attorney about your/his rights as a parent when you break up. As far as I know, he has no legal rights where your social life is concerned.

But definitely do NOT rush into another relationship. You need a bunch of time to get over this one. Focus on you and your kiddo. You may have to put up with some sort of custody situation.

I'm going to be honest and tell you what I thought of when I read your post, K.. I thought that you are going to be one of the women we read about in the news. Those women who marry poorly, knowing what they're walking into, and do it anyway. And everyone who reads the article wonders WHY the woman married the guy. The guy who is jealous, abusive, domineering, etc. Everyone can see but her.

You have no business marrying a man who would talk to you this way. We can tell you this til we're blue in the face, but it doesn't matter.

I can only hope you'll break your engagement. Any man who would say "I'll never hurt you but..." is just giving you the biggest red flag there is. Please don't be one of those women in the news, please...

Men who make threats are insecure. This is not your fault. It's his problem. But his efforts to control you (who is near you, who is near his child) alarm me, and many of the women responding here. He's not talking about you being with a potential child molester - he's talking about being replaced as a father figure. He's trying to control you, which is terrible, and he's trying to do it through your child, which is inexcusable. He's saying you are a poor judge of people and cannot be trusted to make any decisions. And "not wanting you back" is his way of controlling you by saying he'd be rejecting you and you are worthless. And you are with this man because…???

But don't just leave him. You need a plan. Someone who makes threats against anyone needs to be taken seriously. I'd get some serious counseling with someone experienced in couples therapy (but go alone if he won't go with you) and someone experienced in domestic violence. You can get great, free advice and strategies from the National Domestic Violence hotline. You can call, or get 24/7 online support to learn to recognize the key words and behaviors abusers and potential abusers use, and to strategize. No one is going to tell you to leave but they are going to support you and help you determine your next course of action. For your sake and for the sake of your child, please get help today.

i hope you break up with him. i'm having heart palpitations over someone this dangerous having access to a 3 year old.
i'm not sure what you're asking. you can't seriously be thinking of breaking up with him, then acceding to his demands, are you?
i DO hope you break up with him. the downside is that he will still be in your life, and you will probably need to get the law involved to keep yourself and your child safe.
i really, really wish people would be careful with whom they choose to procreate.
khairete
S.

I'm confused, did he make an actual threat of violence or harm? All I see from your post is that he said you better not do it...or what? It is the "or what" that would tell whether this is a threat or not.

He's trying to set ground rules when he has no authority to do so. Most men say the same thing. Pretty much they don't want to be replaced as dad and they are looking for some control over you and your life after the break-up.

Let him say what he wants - after all, this is America and, as long as he's not threatening you, he can say whatever he likes. Your title indicates threats, but your post does not.

Oh, I just read the SWH. I wouldn't pay a bit of attention to that. He's just spouting hot air.

Keep a diary of every threatening thing he says or physically does. You can use this in court to your benefit.

Did you ever have a discussion about this before you had a baby with him?

Don't even entertain his "threats". Tell him that for the next 20 (?) years, you will live your life according to what is best for your child and you. The only promise that you'll make to him about other men is that you will be sensitive to your daughter's needs and use your best judgment. Then, stop talking about it.

Is he a conservative guy in general? Maybe he sees women at work or girl firends of his buddies who have their boyfriends around all the time - even in the presence of thier small children.

Every children's advocate, counselor, psychologist says that it's not good for kids to meet every boyfriend of mom's that comes through. In fact, only when mom is ready to re-marry should children be introduced to the mom's new beau. It's not healthy for kids to develop firendships & relationships with a person only to experience the break up that can occur - particularly multiple times. so maybe your ex has heard this, or maybe his friends have talked about sleeping over a girlfriend's house when her child is in the next room. Or maybe he doesn't want your child to think of anyone else as dad. That's not a bad thing. Finally - statistics show that when kids are abused - physically, emotionally, sexually - it's statistically significatly higher that it's at the hands of by a step-father or boyfriend of mom.

Who knows.

But even if he's wrong about a lot of other things he is right about this. He wants to protect his child. Hopefully his "threats" are legal in nature and not stalking-scary...

Your ex fiance sounded like bad news in your previous posts. At this point, unless you think you need to protect yourself from him, I'd just say nothing in response to him, or if you think it won't cause him to explode - something along the lines of, "Oh honey, if things don't work out for us, it will be a very long time before I have any interest in dating."

He sounds like a lunatic. Too bad you're tied to him for the rest of your life because of your child.

If he said these things once in the heat of an argument but during a calm conversation speaks more rationally and acknowledges that he was just blowing smoke and letting his ego get in the way of his brain and of course he's not a Neanderthal would never actually hurt someone, then I *might* - just might - give this a pass.

But more than once? He's psycho material. If he defends this statement in a calm, rational, totally sane moment, then he's the kind of dangerous, egotistical control freak who I would run from in a heartbeat and who I wouldn't hesitate to take a restraining order out on in the future if ever needed.

If he doesn't want another man in his child's life, perhaps he should focus less on his own ego and more on being the kind of man who would make a good husband so that he is actually married to his child's mother. Otherwise he WILL find himself single and that WILL mean that yes, you are free to move on and eventually if you meet a good man, involve him in your child's life as well. That's the risk of having kids outside of marriage or behaving in ways that are not conducive to marriage.

He sounds like a real winner....NOT. Please make a list of pro's and con's about staying with him. We only heard negative but there must be some positive somewhere or you'd already be gone.

You've said you'd marry him and you're probably planning your wedding so just stop and think, make the lists and see what you write down. Then put the list down, go back to it a day later and re-do it. See if you write down anything differently.

I'd leave and tell him it's none of his business how you live your life after you move on.

You need to do what is right for both you and your child. If you aren't happy, your child won't be happy. He does not have a leg to stand on and cannot forbid you to date or have a serious relationship. It is unreasonable to expect you not to seek companionship or introduce your child to someone important in your life. He sounds very controlling, which is probably why you are considering leaving him again.

He's out of his mind and being unrealistic. Is he afraid another man would replace him as a father image? He sounds very controlling, and I'd ask him if he is going to stay single for the rest of his life? What's good for the goose should be good for the gander ! If Daddy is doing his job as a father and stays active in the child's life what is he so insecure about ?

He won't have a say so from a legal perspective unless someone would be abusive or neglectful. C. S