My best friend in the whole world has come back to visit with her 3 kids for awhile and she is staying with her parents while she's here. They lived out of state because her husband is in the military. A couple of weeks ago she wanted to have a "sleep over" at our house so I told her that would be fine, 2 days before the sleep over she called and asked if she could bring her dog which is a 12 yr old dog who suffers from incontinence and her parents did not feel like watching the dog for her while she came over for a night. I said that would be fine but deep inside I wasen't to happy about it. We are dog lovers of course, but we don't havy any right now our home is small and we have a toddler plus I'm 9 months pregnant with our second. So she gets here and it had just snowed the day before so it's wet out and the dog has to go out every 20 min and he kept trying to go into our bedrooms and would not stop drinking out of my toliet!!!! I was getting aggravated, granted she did try to control him but it was still an issue for me. Then 2 of her children were not the best behaved at all they were climbing on the the kitchen table, throwing fits, woudl not go to bed. etc.. Then she was asking me if I minded if she cut her childrends hair at my home and give them a bath afterwords....needless to say after her visit I felt very worn out and exhausted and I hate to say it but I was relieved when she left. I guess I just feel like I could have delt with the kids but adding the dog in the mix it was just way to much and I feel like she kind of took advantage of our friendship in a way. I hate that I feel this way because she is a great person really and truly, but I just feel like all of what she asked for was a bit much. Am I wrong for feeling this way? She suggested we do it again sometime before she leaves but I can't fathom the thought of it right now, should I just let it go??
I am not angry with her, I still love her to pieces. I guess I was just embarrsed for her at how much she was asking of me. She wanted to cut the kids hair because she didn't want to pay a salon it wasent' because she was trying to keep them still?? Her children I stated I could handle but I cannot handle her 2 year old beating my son for a toy and then both of her boys woke up at 1 and 5 am to have a "Snack" and watch tv?? I mean come on I guess I was raised differently. To the mother who told me I should just accept she runs her household differently, to you I say I don't give a toot how anyone runs their home but when you are a guest in another persons home you need to get it together!!!! As far as someone mentioned that I should have shut the bathroom and bedroom doors to handle the dog problem...OH JEEZ WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?????? I shut those doors a hundred times!!!!The kids kept opening them. Am I 9 months preggers and ready to pop? HECK YEA I get annoyed at my own self these days I know I'm hormonal but I also know that we as individuals have to have enough commen sense and respect for other people and their home. I said yes to the dog because I felt bad for her because she did need a break from her parents and she wanted to get away, and I'm sure you have all said yes a time or two in your life when you really didn't feel like it just to be kind. Thanks for your responses I do appreciate them.
You are not wrong in what you are feeling, but take this as a lesson learned! It's okay to say "no" and be honest. Let her know that you are trying to get things in order for the new addition to the family so having the dog in the house was really too much.
Have them over for lunch or dinner, but no more sleepovers. My guess is that she needed a break from her parents and that maybe the parents needed a break too!
Well, leaving bathroom doors closed and toilet lids down would have easily solved the toilet problem. But, I understand dogs with incontinence problems can be difficult to deal with, especially in the snow, however you did know prior to this about the dog when you said yes.
Chalk it up as a lesson learned. Tell her you don't have the energy to do damage control and entertain for a whole day, but would love to go out... kids free for a nice lunch and visit. I find it odd she cut her kids hair... that wasn't necessary on the one day she would be visiting with you. Some people just take a little too much, perhaps it wasn't intended, but now you know for next time.
I've had disappointing experiences with life-long friends too. I would not think she was taking advantage of the situation, just that she's kinda "stuck" in hers. You said she did try to control him, so it's not like she was lounging on the couch while you chased him around. Would it aggrivate me? Heck yeah! But I wouldn't be mad at her. It's one of those, "ok we tried that, it didn't work for me" experiences. My kids are actually very good but sometimes, especially if they're not in their own home in their own routine and they're feeling out of sorts, it's just not good. My nephew is the cutest, sweetest angel I've ever seen but ohhhh can he cry if he hasn't slept in his own bed for a day or two. Seems like she was trying to take care of them. And cutting hair keeps them still for a minute, and a bath is something she can control, so I think she was trying a lot. But in your present situation, you really shouldn't be doing anything more than lunch with someone. You should be getting a babysitter more often, not adding children to the mix right now. It's so easy to be mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. Just concentrate on nesting and getting ready for the baby, cook a few extra meals as you can (or double the meals you are cooking anyway and freeze the extra) so you don't have to worry about cooking right after the baby comes. That should be your only concern. And if she's been a friend forever, I would NOT avoid her or hurt her feelings either. Just play the pregnant card and tell her you're very tired and just need to chill some more, not really feeling up for a sleepover. It's the truth, and it's simple enough. She's probably just lonely and wanted to get out of her parents' house but didn't really think about tiring you out.
If it were me, I would let it go. For now I would avoid her and her family. I don't think you are wrong at all in feeling the way you do. Sorry, but her family sounds like a handful and with you being 9 months pregnant, sheesh, you need some time to relax. It's hard moving around in the last trimester and most pregnant women can't wait to pop the kid out. You need your space now...understandable. Tell her you don't feel up to socializing right now. If she doesn't understand that, then she isn't worth having as a friend.
I think it would be a little annoying, I dont think she was taking advantage, if shes your bff she probably felt comfortable at your home. I wouldnt say anything to her about it, but I would avoid her coming again if it bothers you. I agree, go out somewhere instead of your house.
I would suggest a "girls day out"...just the two of you..offer to pay for a babysitter if that is necessary ( unless that is a financial burden...i know babysitters can be EXPENSIVE today!!) Then the two of you can get away from the kids ( and the dog!! ) and just visit and enjoy each other.
I don't know what your relationship was in the past...but it sounds to me like some of the things she asked were a bit out of line....I have a 12 year old dog myself...but I would never dream of asking someone to allow me to bring him with me if he had all of the health issues that it sounds like this old fellow is dealing with. I leave my animals at home and have a friend from work that comes over several times a day to love on them and put them out to potty....I pay her $15 a day for this.
I would just be honest with her...tell her that you get worn out so easily right now...that you would really love just an afternoon with the two of you to visit and enjoy each other.
That would be a lot for any of us. But no one that's 9 months pregnant can take that much "trouble". Just tell her the truth. You'll be better off if you do. First of all, I'm a dog lover too. But no dog or cat is going to pee all over my house. When that starts to happen, they get put to sleep if we can't find the problem. A dog can learn to sleep in a kennel ALL the time they aren't held if necessary. If she didn't bring a kennel, shame on her. How do you go to someone else's house without one?
The kids being brats...yeah, I said brats. ALL KIDS ARE BRATS at times. That's just life. At 9 months you can't be expected to be happy about tantrums and these kids are going to be fit to be tied being away from home this long. If your friend can't see how much trouble her brood really is for you, she isn't much of a friend.
No, she didn't take advantage of your friendship. She just has a different kind of "household" than you do. It's not fair of you to expect her family to act like yours. You should have told her that you couldn't deal with having the dog, FS. You told her the dog could come. She tried to handle things for you - it's not like she ignored it.
I'd like to think that you are feeling this way because your about to pop and your hormones are in overdrive. Truly, if you can't deal with her kids, just decline next time she asks. (No to the dog for sure.) But just think that perhaps you were an oasis for your friend. She probably really appreciated being with you.
If you don't have a challenging child, thank your lucky stars. But don't punish her for having them. She's got enough on her plate.
Dawn
I would feel severely irritated, but on the same note you shouldn't have agreed to the dog. If you want her to come over again just tell her the dog was more than you can handle. She can choose to do something else like put him in Doggy Care for the night. If her kids are the problem then you might just have to tell her it wonn't work out.
In short, she is your best friend, you should be able to tell how you feel. Being overwhelmed is not a crime and as your friend she should understand where yoy are coming from.
Good luck.
Suggest she comes over for lunch or dinner but ask that the dog stay at parents house.
Part of your feelings probably stems from the changed dynamic between you. I am guessing you haven't spent much time with her lately and it is different. Added to the situation is the kids, dog, and pregnancy. Probably not the visit you expected.
At 9 months pregnant, I wouldn't be up for any overnights or dealing with anything that had nothing to do with the impending birth of my next child.
It could very well be you are extra hormonal right now. Who wouldn't be?
Just tell her your pregnancy is exhausting you more than you thought it would. If she doesn't buy that, you could add your doctor wants you resting up as much as possible.
Yes, let it go. She asked you if she could bring the dog and you said yes. You should have said no and sighted your reasons.
The only reason she brought the dog was because her parents wouldn't watch it. She had the courtesy to ask, she didn't just show up with it.
The aggravation you experienced wasn't her fault, so just be glad that night is over and move on with your friendship.
Perhaps a "play date" at Chuck E Cheese on a quiet afternoon would be better for your next get together. :-)
It is hard to have people in your home, I'm sure if you went and stayed at her house you would do things that would annoy her but as a good friend she would probably smile and forget it - like you should.
Ok sometimes I have said "yes" out of being put on the spot or not wanting to hurt feelings. But after I've agreed to something that didn't feel quite right I did call back and tell the person I changed my mind, I tell them it's too much of a hassle, it's not going to work out etc.
It was ok to change your mind even if you had already said yes, especially since you felt obligated to say yes because she is a good friend.
It's also ok to say NO right away, in any case whenever you feel iffy about a request just say, let me tak to hubby or let me think about it and I'll call you back.
then say no it's too much to handle right now. I feel for you 9 months pregnant! I don't think I could have handled the visit either not just the dog.
I like the idea of trying to go out to lunch or dinner with just her and not doing the whole kid and dog thing. I would definitely use the fact that you are 9 months pregnant and exhausted and ready to pop as an excuse.
That being said, she is your "best friend in the whole world" and I would definitely make the effort to do something "worthwhile" with her. It sounds like she is trying to reconnect with you. Try to figure out something that will work for both of you, without completely exhausting you. If the only option that works out is a return to "hanging out" at your home, just try to agree to a bedtime ahead of time for her kids and tell her that you'll take a shower or rest for a half-hour while she gets her kids in bed. Let her know before she comes over that this will be the plan to get the kids to settle down and go to sleep AND as a back-up have a DVD player that they can watch a movie on in the room they'll be sleeping in. Or, you can do as my sister in law does and bribe them - "the first one that falls asleep gets a treat in the morning" and have some trinket for each kid from the dollar store (the 1st one to sleep, picks first, or they were ALL such good sleepers they all get a treat)
"2 days before the sleep over she called and asked if she could bring her dog which is a 12 yr old dog who suffers from incontinence and her parents did not feel like watching the dog for her while she came over for a night. I said that would be fine but deep inside I wasen't to happy about it."
Well....there's your answer. You should have said "no" to the sleepover OR the dog at that point. I'm betting it wasn't just the dog that made it unpleasant. Live and learn, I guess!
No you are not wrong to be annoyed by this..esp since you are 9 months preg. She should have been so much more sypathetic to that. However I would let it drop-not worth a freindship for sure. BUT....you will need to be FIRM when she suggests it again. You will have nobody to blame but yourself it you let her. And you have the perfect excuse-you are preg (or have a newborn).
no, i'd be aggravated too. especially at 9 months pregnant when everything is aggravating!
your friend is a good gal, she just has a different way of approaching things. in retrospect, putting your foot down about the old dog would have helped a lot. (i have no trouble with that. i've had friends get snippy because i don't allow their dogs on my farm when they come to visit. their problem.) but you don't know until you try.
i find that girlfriend sleepovers work better if they're kept separate from kid sleepovers. you can't snuggle in and get caught up with yakking and giggling when you're doing haircuts and baths.
sometimes i will help a friend out (if they're passing through, say, or having home renovations done) by doing sleepovers with kids, but i don't generally think of them as a fun treat.
i do not think you should try it again before she leaves. find another way to get together with her and enjoy her.
khairete
S.
Everyone is granted to feel their feelings, but you did say she could bring the dog. She asked, its not like she just brought the dog over. So I don't really believe she took advantage of you.
If you feel up to it again, just be honest and tell her the dog was too much for you. But getting together with friends with other kids, the kids are bound to get into trouble together....their kids.
I didn't read all the responses but I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to do it again! I didn't read your post as being mad or now disliking her etc versus saying you had enough with that one visit. Seems fair to me. It's not like they're out on the street if you don't take them in. And we have a dog I love but I'd be so worried about bringing him to a friend's over night in case he somehow kept people awake. And he's not old and incontinent and he never drinks from the toilet! Dogs can be annoying at night. If you can visit with her otherwise, go for it but no way would I host another night like that!
And I'm not even 9 mos pregnant!
close the bathroom doors and if another dog issue happens, tell her dog has to stay outside
April has it nailed down to a T...listen to her advice!! Read it again!!
If she is your best friend maybe she has realized that you were not completely ok with how things went this time.If so, maybe she doesnt actually plan to come back again.She must have just mentioned it for coutesy sake - you know like - Oh I had a great time! lets do it again!! Doesnt mean she definitely will! You know friends know how you feel even when you dont tell them:) If she does want to come, next time tell her you are not ok with the dog.She did ask you once and you said ok , so how would she know you were not ok? I think she feels very comfortable with you and in your house- which is good for your friendship. I dont think she would go to anybodys house with her dog and want to cut her children s hair while she is there.I am guessing its just the comfort factor you both share, but I dont know her so maybe my guess s wrong too. Maybe what she sees as friendship and sharing , you feel as taking advantage. You just need to open about what you are ok with and what you are not, so that she knows too.Inspite of knowing you are not ok with certain things if she still continues doing it, then maybe bring it up or avoid having her visit you.You are pregnant and she is a mom too.When you are pregnant everyone is worried about your health and comfort, so be open abt it.
