Am I Ungrateful ?

Marriage is not easy. I some times feel like every day is a struggle. I love my husband very much and know he loves me but that doesn't make it easy! We went through a rough patch for a few years and I struggled with wondering if it wasn't going to work. I stumbled upon Alisa Bowman and found her website/blogs to be very helpful. She also has a very funny book that tells how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love. I find her very realistic (marriage is not romance and roses everyday!) and humorous and she gets me to think about situations from different perspectives...

http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/

Good luck! One of the things I've realized is that my husband and I have VERY different communication styles and things that I think should be obvious to him (like I need help around the house) are just not to him. However, if I tell him I need help he will do so. I do get tired of constantly asking him to "participate" but I'm learning that as long as he is willing to do it when asked I can be okay with that. But it is not always easy.

You're both keeping score.

People who keep score aren't on the same team.

Yes, go to counseling. If your husband won't go with you (and you haven't said that he wouldn't!), go alone. You can't make your husband do anything, but you can delve into how to stop the scorekeeping yourself. It will be a relief to you personally, because it's such a nuisance to do and keeps your mind from noticing better things.

Both of you are working tremendously hard, and I bet you're both exhausted. When I get that exhausted I have to look at the situation for things to laugh about. I'm getting better at finding them, too.

I agree with the suggestion of counseling and you may also want to check out the book The 5 Love Languages from the library. Good luck.

I would recommend reading Love and Respect. I forgot who wrote the book, but if your husband doesn't want counseling, this may help you start turning things around...

Yep, Mary is right. Get some outside help. You guys are still in there somewhere, you just got lost and cant find your way out. You ARE still on the same team.

I have tried it, it saved my marriage.

T.,

I would first like to say that I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and that I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been a stay at home mom since our daughter was born. She is now 6 years old, and my husband has been the breadwinner since we have been married for 7 years. I feel like I have lost myself, and at the same time, I feel like I can't win if I go back to work and School. I not only take care of EVERYTHING around the house, but my husband travels for work 6 months out of the year, so I am a Single parent for 6 months.

Even when he is home, (and he may not say this), he watches me do mostly everything. He does pitch in, but It's only after I beg "which he refers to as NAGGING". I cannot HELP but get the feeling that he feels "entitled" to lay around and do NOTHING!! Not only am I CEO of this household, but I am also running our own real estate business from home. I manage properties that we own.

I have signed up with an employment agency, and I can't wait to get out of the house and get "myself" back. He (husband) has NO IDEA what it takes to run a household, cook, clean, grocery shop, laundry, pay all of the bills, take care of him, book his appointments, take the little one to all of her activities, play dates, etc!!! I also have a 20 year old from a previous that is costantly in need.

I feel like getting out is going to be the only thing to save my sanity, and it just may be for you as well T.. I understand you feeling tired, frustrated and lonely, because after finishing everything around the house at the end of the day, it feels like a CHORE to sleep with your husband, especially when he doesn't seem to appreciate all that you do. It SUCKS, and seems like a LOSE/LOSE situation.

What I am doing is just concentrating on ME now, because no matter what I say, it seems like he just isn't listening. I am just tired of trying at this point. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself healthwise (if possible), and make sure that precious little girl knows she is loved by you.

Good Luck!!

Mary's response is very wise and seems right on the money.

oooh my computer just crapped out!!! URGH!!!

Yes, counseling can work if BOTH people want it to work...

Sounds like you guys aren't on the same page or the same team...too busy keeping score to be partners...

What happened to "us"? It got caught up in a marriage...marriage is hard work....and it's seeing the same face day after day after day....what happened to the fun we had in dating???? It was soo much more exciting...we get caught up in the "happily ever after" and forget we are still in a relationship....

I bet your conversations go like this:

"I'm tired of taking care of it all. I'm tried of you taking advantage of me and disrespecting me."
"No, honey, I don't mean any disrespect...I appreciate all you do...however, I am not getting this from you..."

So instead of "YOU MAKE ME" - start conversations with "I Need...I want...I feel"...the minute you put "YOU MAKE ME" - defenses go up and the conversation disintegrates from there. FAST...

You have a high maintenance child TOGETHER..."what's up with YOUR daughter...mine was NEVER like this..." maybe she's picking up on BOTH of your stress and is acting out...surprising how babies pick things up and act upon them...having children in a marriage is a HUGE stress - doesn't matter that you both brought children into the marriage - it's HARD!!!

Money problems won't change if you divorce... you both will still have to communicate over child support and custody...so instead of throwing in the towel? Learn how to communicate now...it will be best for all involved!!

GOOD LUCK!!!

Ditto Mary, again.

Couples counseling--what could it possibly hurt?
Sounds like it could only help.

We found success with this program - see link. We had seen a marriage counselor and both did individual therapy, which was helpful.

http://www.familydynamics.net/seminarschedule.htm?sch=anb

New Beginning - our marriage was in crisis so we spent the whole weekend working on us without kids and other distractions.

Best of luck to you!

I was seconds away from walking out on my husband before as well. We weren't agreeing on anything. The more we tried to "talk" our problems out, the more we fought. I actually told him I wanted a divorce several times but he refused. It felt like neither one of us wanted to be the first to budge on what we wanted. We then watched "Fireproof" and started reading "The Love Dare" and it changed everything. Our marriage is better now than it has ever been. Now we can actually talk about our issues instead of argueing and bickering. Even if you don't read the book, you should definitely watch the movie. I felt like the couple portrayed everything I was feeling perfectly. Being un-appreciated, un-loved, you name it. Maybe seeing the movie will help him better to see your frustrations without you pointing them out to him.

You get a stipend albeit small so he isn't paying for EVERYTHING! He knew going in he would be primary bread winner at least for awhile. Why has his attitude shifted? My guess is jealousy over the baby - he's no longer your primary focus. Most men feel it but get over it. Sounds like he's not for whatever reason. I agree with others - go to counseling and try to work this out. The people who supported each other and fell in love are still there - try to find them again. How much longer for the masters? Seems like it's taking too long and maybe wearing him and you out. Perhaps he was supportive of the idea when he thought it would take 2 years; not so much now that it has been drug out over 4+ years. Obviously, you don't want to give up a free ride but perhaps he can help around the house or with the business more so that you can finish up and move on. You both may have to white knuckle it and do A LOT of extra work to get that masters degree done so you can get some things off of your plate. Once you are done, he needs to hire an assistant for the business and you can go off to work to become co-bread winner and stop feeling dependent on him!

Somebody once told me "divorce is only a temporary solution"
OK, you two quit and go your separate ways. And what's out there for you? A lot of people think there's always something better out there. And in some cases it is, but a lot of cases don't have a better ending. Not trying to sound like a smarta$$, but keeping it real.
Are you going to put your efforts into finding another person who may or may not share your dreams, goals, etc.?Start over again? I know people started over second, third, fouth time around. But is it something you're interested in?
Or just focus on yourself and/or kids? Or are you willing to work out your differences and still be happy? As a child of divorce, and also who witnessed a lot of divorces vs. couples that worked it out -- I envy kids with "unbroken" families till this day. It changes your life forever.