Marital Issues Please Help!

It sounds like the house has become the most important thing and it's causing stress on you and he's not ready for a house at all. I would put off buying a house until that time comes if it does. In the meantime, work on the marriage, get the Mirena out and feel better, spend time with him, get financial and marriage counseling and enjoy each other and not stress about buying the house. Stick together and work this out with help.

RETURN THE TOOLS [if you can't return them then sell them. Put them up on E-bay or Amazon]. Make sure that if he doesn't do it, you do. And remove his name from your credit cards ASAP. Remove his name from joint bank accounts.

Maybe before you could have said, "Ah, lesson learned, it was a rough spot but we made it through." Now he has a long history of being financially sneaky, dishonest, and he's not trustworthy. He only confessed because you caught him.

I don't believe any issues you're having are because of the Mirena. And I don't think you should have it removed.

I would get a financial counselor and a marriage counselor. And put off buying a house for a while until you know for certain whether or not you'll be staying with your husband. Owning a house isn't what makes it a home.

Well, he didn't think the tool purchase would help his credit because he would have told you about it up front. He was trying to find a way to tell you but left it until you received the bill - so he knew it was wrong. If he's a service manager and doesn't need the tools, that's your answer. If he really needed them, it would have come up beforehand. He's done this before - spent money on himself because, why? The baby got all the new stuff and he felt like he deserved something too? Why is he only working one job and you are working so many?

I think you are not on the same page at all, and you should really think about getting in with a 30 year mortgage with a guy who can't watch his pennies. He is in the credit score mess because of his bad buying habits, and as soon as he got on your credit card, he did more of it. My guess is, there are more expenses than you know about. If he continues to do this and your name is on the mortgage, you lose your house and your kids are really stuck. They need to be protected.

You might benefit from couples counseling as well as financial counseling. You say you would leave him if you could, but you also say you both want the house and picked it out together. So which is it? I think getting some clarification would help.

I think you need to take the house off the table. You guys do not sound like you are ready for it...at least not THAT house...maybe one that costs less money.

If you are having to work so many jobs to make the house possible...you will continue to have to work that many jobs to keep the house running. There are expenses out the ying yang when you buy a house...and $800 won't fix it...a new hot water heater...the air conditioner goes out...the sewer system backs up into the bathroom...a water leak...the oven breaks...the huge big ticket items hit you when you least expect it.

So if him putting $800 on the credit card is totally un-payable...then drop the house for the moment.

Then there is the separate issue of him sneaking around and buying stuff you can't afford.

You need to sit down together and go over your finances (and look at them with out all of your jobs, because girl you are going to burn yourself out going and going like you are)....plan a budget with a savings for your down payment on a future house. Check out a Dave Ramsey book or two from the library. He can and will tell you how to improve your credit. Not that he suggests using it at all other than for a home purchase.

If you need financial counseling...go get some...learn how it all works...have someone else explain to your husband how credit works and what it will take to buy a home. A lot of churches will offer this for free. One of my friend's husband is a financial planner and he volunteers at their church to help couples get their finances in order.

On the Minera...I hated mine with a passion...I had it removed and we use other birth control now...Nuvaring worked well for me. But I am thinking you are so stressed out and tired right now for sex to be appealing...and angry with your husband to boot.

Send the tools back...if he doesn't need them for his job RIGHT NOW...then they can wait until he does need them if he becomes a mechanic.

This is not un-fixable...we all have times where we are irresponsible with money...most of us learn and get it out of our system in our teens or early twenties. I don't see this as a deal breaker but a huge eye opener that things need to change...and if you guys work TOGETHER to make it change...then other parts of your marriage will fall in a better place.

Sending you a huge hug because dealing with our spouses weaknesses is never pleasant but his is fixable...work together to fix it.

I highly doubt that the Mirena is your problem, just make sure that you have reliable birth control when you get off it ...

Now to your DH, trust me, I have been there and the problem is that your DH is acting like an immature teenager! Send back the tools if possible, restrict his access to joint accounts and separate your finances for a while. He clearly is not smart with money and had demonstrated that he can't be trusted.

Put the house buying on hold. YOU may be ready, but you as a family are clearly not!
If you can talk to him and come to a resolution... You may need to have some serious conversations, otherwise I would suggest getting help in the form of counseling.

From what you describe you have some serious work do do on your marriage, the added stress if buying a home or an unintended pregnancy is the last thing you need right now.

Good luck

I agree with 'one and done'...if you don't share the same goals, then you may never accomplish anything! You have an amazing work ethic and your hubby does his share with 40 hrs a week. Personally, it sounds like you are killing yourself in order to buy a house. Is owning a house really worth working full time plus 5 odd jobs?

I think you should do some financial counseling before you make the leap to homeownership. You both need to be ready, willing, and able.

And, if that doesn't work, find a place you can buy on your own!

You sound like you have been overcompensating for what you perceive to be your husband's shortcoming for far too long. My sister is the major breadwinner in her marriage, and it seems like the harder she works (at work and at home), the more her husband feels it necessary to kick up his feet, relax, and buy on things on eBay. Her husband is an alright guy, and he loves her and the kids a lot. But he is a boy who has never been forced to grow up. Everyone around him, his parents and my sister, seem to pick up the slack at every turn. I have a feeling that as soon as the kids are more independent, she is going to divorce his leisurely butt.

My advice to you. Drop the notion of buying a house. Return the tools. Get yourself a babysitter and a marriage counselor and do some work on your marriage before it's too late.

As far as the Mirena is concerned, I do have a friend who said that ever since she had it put in, she feels like stark raving lunatic during that time of the month. She is thinking of taking it out to see if she can get back to feeling normal. You might want to look into birth control alternatives, but whatever you do, do not get pregnant again.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you are upset that your plans to buy the house have been de-railed, but you should probably be thankful that you cannot buy a house at this time. It would make it even that much harder to leave if you do end up splitting up. Good luck to you!

To be honest, I'd stop trying to buy the house. He doesn't sound mature enough to be a homeowner. He bought tools he didn't need, using your credit card, after saying he didn't even want to be in this business.

I really think you'll be sorry if you buy a house with him right now. Frankly, I'd be afraid down to my boots to put my name on a house with him.

Take his name OFF of your credit card. He isn't responsible with it. Forget about buying the house.

Good luck,
Dawn

You the Mirena and him spending eight hundred dollars on tools are all separate issues. I'd leave the Mirena out of it because you can not want him as you know because you are angry with him. He seems to have a pattern that you noticed. And it sounds like a defiant little boy instead of a supportive husband. He sounds like a very nice person, just not in touch with what you all need as a family.He seems to be sort of out of control when he has to be a big boy so he buys things that make him feel good. Being married to a 'tool' man, I understand this stuff all too well, but his purchases are from garage sales and occasionally the craftmen tools (Oh sp? oh well) and he is a tool room manager so he really knows his stuff. But he has learned and your husband will too that he can't be indulging on tools that aren't necessary. I would suggest you tell hubby to take back everything except what is absolutely necessary (I know they all are) and tell him he can get these things one at a time. Now, on the other side of the coin, I am like you and garage sale it, etc . so once inawhile treat yourself. Even if it is just a bottle of water, do it to feel you are important.

You may both want the house but his actions speak louder than words. He got on your credit card and immediately ran up a bill of $800 for tools. Which is needed more the tools or a good credit score for a house? I think the credit score. He does not understand thta when you are trying to buy a house you don't buy anything else until the loan is approved. Once the loan is approved you can go out and buy the moon.

Do try to get some counseling. If he won't go you have your answer about your dream house. It doesn't matter that you picked it out together it matters what he will do to keep it.

I say hold off and let it go and find another one when you are both ready. Give it another five years. If he isn't ready then and your credit is fine, you buy the house in your name. At this point, I would take him off my credit card so that he doesn't ruin your credit.

Good luck to you both.

The other S.

YOU want a house, he wants what he wants when ever he wants it.

I would stay put where you are UNTIL, he can show you that he and you are on the same page. Don't get me wrong, he sounds like a hard worker...you sound like a little hard to live with at times (too many emotional ups and downs that you can't handle well). You both need some do some work on yourselves and your marriage.

You don't seem to have much faith in your husband or marriage (i.e. "he isn't even a mechanic".....do you realize how much he could earn if he WAS a mechanic? Have you asked him if that's what he want's to do?

It doesn't sound like you work harder then your husband, it just sounds like you want a house more then you husband.

Snap on does not take returns, so returning the tools is not an option. Maybe he can work some overtime to pay them off, or sell them to one of his coworkers to cover part of the cost.
It sounds like you two are not on he same page. Id sit down with him and some wine for a chat about goals that you both want and agree on how you will reach them together. Come to a plan that feels good to both of you and is not one sided with you feeling like you are carrying the load

Best wishes!

Snap-on are expensive but worth it. They have a lifetime guarantee and will be replaced if they break. No matter what kind of garage he works in mechanics are expected to supply all their own tools, if he didn't have them he could have lost his job. I believe they are tax deductable, ask your tax guy.

I totally get where you are coming from but honestly if the biggest thing he did was buy some tools he needed for work, I think you are pretty lucky.

Don't stress about buying a house. You have a home, food, clothes ect. Just keep working on improving your credit--you will get there.

is he on the same page as you? Are you the only one making plans & working towards a future?

that's what you need to ask yourself. You are the only one who can answer these questions.....& the biggie: do you love & respect him?

take it from there, & you'll know what to do.

Hi- I just joined-and found Retta S.' answer the most logical and straightforward.

Although you both want the house, perhaps it's not time for the house and/or not time for that house. Remember when you move into a house you will want money for things like painting/redecorating to make it feel more like YOUR home. Be sure to leave a cushion for that too. Also if he is buying tools that he doesn't really need it might be a bad judgement or something linked to a compulsive disorder. Many of the individuals in Hoarders acquired things during stressful times to comfort themselves. Try to idenitfy if this is a trend in him, work to reduce the stressors and get therapy so he can address the matter if it happens again.

Have you checked t see what birthcontrol may be available to you. I had a friend that use to obtain the pill through Planned Parenthood. It was income based and as her income went up so did her cost.

First of all, you would not help his credit score by adding him to your CC if you're not carrying a balance and making monthly payments. So, in a sense he was right. However, he should have only charged a small amount that could be paid off when the bill comes. That way you don't pay interest and finance charges. So, his heart was in the right place, but he either lacked the correct information or really did it just because he wanted the tools.

I assume the tools can't be returned.

I would take the darned credit card away from him.

For better, for worse - if this is your worse and all you have to complain about - it ain't that bad. Go to a financial counselor, go through all of your finances and savings (401K, IRA - if you have one). Sometimes it helps when someone else is doing the talking when it comes to finances. Good luck!