Am I Being Unreasonable with My Fiance' Ex?

That's messed up. I wouldn't waste any more time with a fiancé who is still tied to his wife.

His kids are old enough to vacation alone, not be crying about mom and acting like that.

Sounds like they divorced but they aren't ready to cut ties and you've allowed yourself and you children to be involved with this nonsense.

I'd run for the hills due to all the red flags I see.

You deserve someone to treat you like he continues to treat his ex!

Ask him how he'd feel if you invited your ex on the cruises ...

This says a lot about your fiancé. When people show you their flaws, don't think they will change in time. They won't. Only you can change. Unless he wants to go to counselling with you and have a therapist help him see why this is an unhealthy dynamic.

He's not responsible for his ex wife or her mental health state. He's involved with his kids which is great - but they are grown adults, and he doesn't have to put you in an awkward situation just so that they are protected from his ex's upsets.

My husband's family is like this. His mother has un-treated mental health issues, she's very much into drama, and everyone gives in (caves) hoping she won't lose it. It's like giving in to a child who is having a tantrum. It's just the wrong approach and it will never get better.

Personally - I'd insist on marriage counselling and if he won't go, then he's showing you that your well being is not as important as everyone else's. Keep in mind, this also affects your children. You need to look out for you and your children. Doesn't sound like your fiancé respects this.

Best to you

As long as you keep opening the door to this woman she'll just keep walking in. You and your fiance need to stop accommodating her barging into your vacations. If he won't do that then you already know you'll be playing second fiddle to this mentally ill woman.

While me may have divorced her legally he never separated from her mentally and feels somewhere that he's responsible to her in some way. You both need counseling so that you can build a foundation based on what you both want in the future. If he won't go then go alone and figure out how you can live with this.

This is a very long-standing precedent. I honestly don't know if you will be able to change it now. Your fiance is not with you on it, and it sounds like his kids wouldn't agree with your wishes either and you'd end up creating relationship rifts.

This comment - On the cruise, I was so fed up and said, "I'm done doing any vacations with her." And his response was, "Then I just won't vacation with my kids anymore." - shows that you and your fiance do not have a healthy relationship. His reply to your frustration was to make a statement that he knew would make you feel like a guilty bad guy.

You need to postpone the wedding. It doesn't matter what plans you've made or paid for already, put it on hold. First comes pre-marital couples counseling. Not religious unity stuff, but in depth problem-solving. You two have to attempt to sort through the issues, or there is no hope for the relationship. You're not even married and you've already reached the end of a rope. That does not bode well.

If a marriage is a house, first you need a well built, solid, and logical foundation. The walls and roof are built from other important aspects of present and future, trying to see if the pieces will fit and be sturdy. Things like kids, in-laws, finances, religion, politics, philosophy, education, life goals. Love is the paint and decor.

You've made pretty room for yourself, but the walls behind the paint are rotting with mold thanks to a steady leak. It's starting to show and can't be ignored. It is well past time for you to rip down the drywall and see what can be salvaged.

If your fiance can't or won't try to work this out with you, you're left with only two choices. You will either have to choose to accept this situation fully and openly as how your life is going to be and learn to enjoy her company, or decide you can't live with it, call things off with your finance, and move on.

His 24 to 30 year old kids CRY about her? What? He says he won't vacation with his grown kids without his ex-wife there? What?

This is effed up in so many ways. Why are you engaged to him? Why did you allow this in the first place? It's not normal to be doing this.

I don't know why you think he is such a wonderful man when he puts them ahead of you. His kids are NOT kids. They are grownups. Everyone allowing this woman to run their lives is not normal and you need to walk away. If you don't cut your losses and move on with your life, you will never rid yourself of her and she will always come first in your marriage.

Your problem is not his ex.

Your problem is your fiancé. He's not listening to you. You can't do much about the church, and you should coexist at events like engagement parties or weddings (the kids' that is, not yours!) or graduations, but why in the world is she going on vacations and cruises with you? Why have you put up with it for 5 years?

His adult kids are more than capable of surviving her mean talk if she doesn't go on vacation with you all. If she's going to go, then I say to stop going on vacation with adults 24-30.

If your fiancé is choosing her over you, you know where you stand. And he's not the "wonderful man and father" you say if he cannot grow up and make his kids grow up. If it were me, I'd put my wedding on hold until he straightens out.

Welcome to mamapedia, S..

Sorry - but his kids are ADULTS...they can vacation with their mom.

I would tell him you're not married to her anymore. Exes don't go on family vacations together. I understand that it was agreed upon when the kids were younger, however, they are adults now.

Do you really want this in your life? My answer would be no. I would leave him. Thank him for the memories and love and say - I'm sorry - I can't do this anymore.

DEAL BREAKER
His children aren't children anymore. There should be no need to cave into the mentally unstable ex for the sake of their kids. If your fiance can't or won't consider your feelings and your desires over hers then that's when I draw the line and break ties.

It doesn't need to be dramatic or drawn out or cinematic for the sake of your young children but this situation wouldn't fly with me. There be no need to concern myself about her attendance to my wedding because after his stance on vacations the wedding would be cancelled. The requirement of my fiance would be to reasonably but me and my children first. Yours can't or won't which is a deal breaker for me.

A wonderful man would know how to handle his ex and keep me from being uncomfortable which is what my husband does with his crazy ex-wife.

It sounds like your fiance needs to establish some boundaries with his ex.
She's not moving on and still wants to maintain contact - and he's letting her.
I understand trying to keep things cordial while raising their kids - but the kids are grown now - and they are free to contact her (or not) on their own without your fiance.
This cord needs to be cut - and well before the wedding - because if it doesn't happen - you need to cancel the wedding.
You and fiance need some pre marriage counseling.
He and his kids could use some counseling too.
He (and his kids) need to be able to do what they want - and NOT inform her of their plans.
People need to clamp down on their social media (if that's how she's finding out) and block her.
She can't tag along if she doesn't know every body's business.
He might need to get a restraining order.
If all else fails - people can move far far away and not leave a forwarding address.

Are you saying that you, your fiance, his ex-wife, and his adult children all went on the cruise together, and vacations together? I apologize if I'm not understanding this correctly.

But if that's what you're saying, I have a few questions. Are these adult children (the ones who are in their 20s and 30s) employed? Do they have relationships, or families of their own? It's surprising that they have that much vacation time to spare. Most grown kids that age are just starting out in jobs, or working their way up, and vacations are scarce! Who pays for their share of the beach cottage or the cruise cabins? Do they all get separate cabins? Where did your 11 and 19 year olds stay during the cruise?

I'm glad you like his kids, but at this point in their lives they should be on their own, and perhaps join you for a holiday meal.

I would even say that your kids don't need to be going on cruises with you, unless there's no one to look after the 11 year old.

You and your fiance need counseling. Sounds like he needs counseling, if he still can't bring himself to vacation without his adult kids and his ex-wife.

Please think carefully about joining this tangled family in marriage.

I'm sorry. I suspect those kids have some unfair expectations and (so far) they have been allowed to expect them. His youngest child is 24? And expects his/her divorced (for 18 years) father to include their mother in vacation plans with his finance (and long time girlfriend)? That's just not normal. They may have a tantrum b/c they've been taught these it's ok to have tantrums I guess. Too bad. So let it run its course. Go on vacations, inviting the kids, but not the ex and put the onus on them. If they don't want to go, oh well. Eventually they will come around. Or not. But that's on them, not you.

OR, walk away.

Really, those are the only options I'd consider.

I agree with others. This is NOT normal. If he wasn't agreeable to counseling and if I didn't see some effort into understanding this from your perspective, I would not enter into marriage. I know you have some responsibility for agreeing to this arrangement to begin with, so I'm not sure how you "undo" it.

There is no way I would continue to have dealings with my husband's Xwife. When his daughter turned 18 I was so happy to never have to deal with her EVER. I've seen her a few times at funerals, etc. and I am always civil. Spending vacation time with her? I'd rather eat glass.

I think before you take the next step of marrying him, you should attended marriage counseling with a therapist who specializes in blended families.

The two of you do not know how to even define your boundaries as a couple, let alone set them.

I think an objective third party could help the two of you communicate what marriage will mean to each of you, and hopefully get you both on the same page so you can move forward with your relationship.

He has shown you this pattern for the last 5 years and you have accepted it....what's the benefit for him to change it now?

The problem is not the ex. It's your fiance. He is the one that would need to tell the kids and her that she's not invited on vacations and to other events. He's already told you that he has no plans to do this. At this point - I think you have to accept that they are a package deal. If you marry him, you marry both of them. It's your choice.

I'm so sorry...that is so weird. The problem (besides the fact that she is crazy) is your fiance has no boundaries with his ex and he needs to learn how to set boundaries because this is not healthy. This is something HE needs to learn, so I advise that he needs counseling from a third party. I find that people tend to listen more to what the expert has to say, so I think this would be helpful for him to see someone. You can go together even. When he does set boundaries this is going to be VERY hard because she is going to flip out. But as he keeps doing it I believe it will get easier with time. PS - The 4 of you (with the kids) might want to do "Family counseling" as well. I believe it would help these adult kids. PPS - I can see getting together for a vacation or a family holiday every now and then, but not every single vacation! That is not healthy...you two should have your own life.

You hate seeing his "kids" cry? You are describing a group of adults!!!! Other than your 11-year-old. Everyone needs to mind their own business and let you and your fiancé do whatever you want to do. Just including of course looking out for your 11-year-old.

This is a bit of an unusual tradition, the way you all have vacationed all together for around 7 years. Breaking with it now probably won't come easy. But still, your fiance's children are adults. And it sounds like they all have traveled regularly. They are not little kids, nor are these trips once-in-a-lifetime experiences. They should easily be able to understand that not ALL trips include everybody, and that is OK. There is NOTHING wrong with your fiancé just including you and the kids, or just the 2 of you for that matter. And his ex can feel free to plan her own trips, inviting just her kids without the 2 of you. Why would his children cry over this? If they do, let them cry and be upset. Or refuse to invite them on the next trip. Your husband's retort makes no sense. He CAN still invite his kids on vacations he plans. If they refuse to go because their mom isn't invited? That's on the adult kids, not him.

The problem is your fiance refuses to make changes that make his children and ex upset, even as he sees you are miserable. I would tell your husband you and he can plan the next trip together, either just the 2 of you, or with an invitation for all of the kids, but not including ex. I would ask that he talk to his children about this new boundary, and that he also explain it to his ex. Then I would stay out of any of these adult children or his ex trying to engage you in conversation/battle. Gently defer back to "this is what DH and I have decided together, please respect our decision"

The church issue is another your fiancé needs to address with his ex. He needs to tell her to please give the 2 of you some space and not sit close by us at church.

Does this woman have any friends? I feel bad for her, it sounds like she haven't figured out after all of these years, the pursuit of her own independent life.

His kids are old enough not to need babysitters. Its not like you are going on vacation with 6 young children and needing the extra help. Your fiance needs to tell her to back off. You guys need to start living your lives together. Don't get married before you guys have a serious talk.

Well, if they were underage I'd think this had merit. But these are family get togethers. If you want to do a cruise with your own family then you need to consider that you and your husband both have baggage. Take him on vacation without anyone else.

Take your 2 kids and have a family vacation. She's not their mother. She won't be there.

His kids are not your kids. They are her kids and if they want their mother to come on vacation with them then you don't really have a say.

I do understand that you helped raise them but she is their mother. I'm sorry that seems rude. But you are acting like these adults are your children and she shouldn't go on vacation with her own children.

As for church, you can always get up and move. Let hubby sit by her if he wants.

When I do family things with my ex and his wife I sit with them, I talk to his wife, I like her. I went to high school with her but didn't know her personally back then.

People are amazed at us. They find out he's my ex and that we haven't had any disagreements since right at the time of our divorce. He lived with her 2 years before I filed for divorce. I didn't believe in divorce but was completely fine with living apart. I didn't care that much about the whole thing.

We get along. They do things with my daughter that I don't go to. They take her, her husband, and her kids out to eat and to activities and I don't have to go along.

BUT we have had family Christmas time, we've had weddings and they've invited me to church and I sat with them, I have gone to pretty much every church they've ever gone to because they invited me or my daughter invited me, and I sat with them every single time.

When some of the grand kids were in foster care we had all 4 families get together at the foster family home. My ex, his wife, the grandson they've had since he was a few months old, me, my husband, the granddaughter and grandson we've raised since they were nearly born, my daughter and her youngest, and the foster family with the 2 grand kids they had plus all the foster kids they had in their home at that time.

There wasn't one word of anger, not one raised voice except those trying to visit over the kids squeals and running amok, and we had an excellent day. The foster family told us later that they had DHS on stand by to "drop by" and help out if it got out of hand. The foster mom told me that she and the DHS worker had talked about our visit afterwards and in all their years working with kids in the system they'd never been witness to 4 families, with kids in the system, being able to get along much less have a very enjoyable happy day.

So it can be done.

Do they go do stuff without me? Yes. Do I do stuff without them? Yes. But the big stuff we always end up doing together.

You have to decide what is okay for you. They have decided that the kind of co-parents they are going to be is very involved and inclusive of each other for the sack of their kids, good for them. I bet the kids have many lovely memories that include both of their parents, something that would not be possible if they were not adult enough to include each other. It is okay for not everything to include her, but there is also nothing wrong with her being included in things her children are at. Now, your wedding is another issue, if you don't want her there she has no business being there, but other then that you are going into this knowing it is a package deal, you have to decide if their good relationship is a deal breaker for you.