Help for Us Kids with a Mom and New Step Mom

Original post:
"My 3 siblings and I are all in our late 20's and early 30's. My parents divorced 18 years ago because mom was having an affair. My sister and I found out and told dad. Dad got custody and mom wasn't really involved in anything growing up.
My dad has been with a woman for 6 years now and they plan to marry in the Spring. Mom is at every event because she throws a fit if she's not invited. She's gone on 2 cruises that my dad's GF planned with us kids and her kids. My mom isn't Catholic but started going so she could sit with my dad and his fiancee'. They switched mass times and mom switched. Mom likes her but doesn't want to see dad happy because she loses control of having him at her beck and call. We want to keep mom happy so want her at everything.
We understand that mom will get dad's fiancee' alone and tell her he's cheating on her and that he cheated on her and broke up the marriage.My dad isn't cheating on her and my sister and I caught my mom as did the PI my dad hired. She'll tell her she's not a good mother because her kids are picky eaters. She talks behind her back but loud enough for her to hear about how she dresses. On the cruises, she wanted family pictures with us, her kids and her and my dad but we heard mom whispering to her "their my kids". So no picture was taken. Mom never let us have time alone with dad and her family.
My siblings and I love my dad's fiancee' and her kids. She has been there for us when mom refuses. She is an amazing mother to her kids and will drop everything for them, us or my dad. She makes my dad so happy. She has never said anything mean to my mom or us about our mom.
So, now it's causing trouble between my dad and his fiancee'. How can we convince my dad's fiancee' to just accept it so we keep peace with mom? Afterall, she is marrying us too and mom is part of that. Why can't she just ignore mom's behavior? Are we asking too much? They will soon marry and be moving into her house since it's bigger and a better location since she still has a child in middle school. Shouldn't mom be allowed to attend all the gatherings like our b-days and holidays as one big family? She's accepted it for 6 years now, why can't she continue to for our sake?
Thanks for any suggestions"

Response:
This post is familiar.
I'm pretty sure we've seen this one before.

You are all adults and I think you all need to consider that your mom is mentally ill.
Her behavior sounds like stalking and I think your father needs to get a restraining order in place.
She can't show up uninvited if no one tells her their plans.
And if she shows up uninvited on private property - call the police and have them escort her off the property or have her arrested for trespassing.

Your whole family bending to this womans will to invade your lives is just not right on so many levels and it's down right crazy to think your fathers fiancee' should just accept this half baked status quo.
If you want to see your mom on Christmas or other holidays - go see her at HER HOUSE.
It's not her place to show up at your fathers house for every party.
They are divorced and everyone needs to accept that reality.
She'll never move on with her life as long as everyone allows her to cling to a past that's long gone and over.

Something about this post seems familiar, like from a few months ago but written from the step mother.

The adult children should stay out of it. The father, mother and step mother are adults and can figure things out for themselves.

As far as your mother being invited to events...it depends on who is hosting. The host decides the guest list, not someone who has a tantrum.

Your mother needs to experience the consequences of her behavior, which may include not being invited to events if she cannot behave. Preventing someone from experiencing natural consequences (especially negative ones) from their behavior is called enabling and it seems you and your siblings protect your mother from experiencing the negative consequences. Please stop enabling your mother.

I think it might be time for you and your siblings to get professional help to understand your mother.

Whaaaaaaaat?
I was reading this thinking, she's going to ask how to get her MOTHER to back the hell up!!! And here you are asking if the almost STEP MOTHER should just accept that your mother is being an a$$hole.
Are you kidding?
Your MOTHER is being a complete jerk and needs to back UP! If I were the fiance I would be so po'd. Seriously. What kind of grown woman acts like that?
And you guys just accept it so that she doesn't throw a fit? LET HER. Go on a cruise and let her throw a fit. Go out to eat, let her throw a fit. Take pictures...let her throw a fit.
Yes...your MOTHER should be able to behave herself at family gatherings, but she can't. So I would not invite her to any more until she can be gracious and kind.

If this is a real question....
Your stepmother Sharon posted this on May 22nd:
https://www.mamapedia.com/questions/9071899886169161729

Thanks chacha I knew we'd seen this before. If this is intact the (step) daughter now reaching out on this site, quite odd/funny that your stepmom to me already asked on here!

So the flip side, as already answered this is - some people in families do their best to not upset the 'volatile' or needy ones. I don't personally get this. My husband's family does it. My MIL is demanding and instead of upsetting her, everyone caves. She had a hard childhood and so, for the rest of her years, everyone has to stuff they don't want to - and feel uncomfortable - so that she can be 'happy' yet she never really is. It's ridiculous.

I myself don't find this works - it hasn't in all the time I've been part of my husband's family. It just means that family gatherings are painful and stressful - and we're all acting a certain way so that she doesn't get upset. We had a Christmas here not too long back, and she cried anyhow.

Maybe there is a mental illness there? Who knows. Really - it is not up to you to make your mother happy. Whenever I read questions like this on here I cringe - because that's so warped. Sorry - no offense. I realize your family has catered to your mom for years and it's all you know.

It's not typical, healthy, normal, advisable ... none of that. My husband and I went to counseling about his mother and her demands. Honestly, what are you afraid of? What will your mother do (that she isn't already doing) that you are so nervous about? That she will be sad? Your mom is already sad. If she feels that she has to be part of everything in your life and your father's life - that's dysfunctional. Some people feel they have to include their parents in their own family's life all the time - but that isn't even enough.

Your mother is a grown woman - capable of looking after herself. If she needs some counseling, help her get it and be encouraging and supportive - but that's it. Don't get sucked in.

As for your dad's fiancé - why should she be responsible for your mom's happiness or whether she feels included or not? She should not. What a burden.

So my answer would be - if your father and his bride want to do cruises or do things with you and your siblings on your own - that's totally acceptable. My MIL felt she should be included on our vacations with my side of the family. It was awkward and stressful and weird. So we just put our foot down. Funnily enough, she never suggested we all do a vacation (my husband's side). She just didn't want to feel excluded. Thing is - she wasn't - that's just her perception.

You're all grown ups and should be focussing on your own lives - not worrying about this. That's my thought here. Meant kindly.

Ugh. For real?! Your whole family needs an intervention. STOP trying to please your mom. Her behavior is not normal. No, she should not attend every one of your dad's family gatherings. She can have her own gatherings with her side of the family. Don't tell her when he is having a family BBQ or whatever. Don't tell your mom until after you've left on the vacation. Dad should switch churches and not tell her. You should alternate Christmases. Your mom should not come to your dad's Christmas celebration. They are divorced. Maybe every once in a blue moon you all get together and mom and dad are at the same event...say a wedding or whatever. But they are now two separate families bc they are divorced. He is not her family anymore. I personally think your dad's fiancee is right and is smart...it's weird that your mom throws a fit if she's not invited and wants to go on every vacation with your Dad. Please. You all need to teach your mom some boundaries. BOUNDARIES.

Updated

Ugh. For real?! Your whole family needs an intervention. STOP trying to please your mom. Her behavior is not normal. No, she should not attend every one of your dad's family gatherings. She can have her own gatherings with her side of the family. Don't tell her when he is having a family BBQ or whatever. Don't tell your mom until after you've left on the vacation. Dad should switch churches and not tell her. You should alternate Christmases. Your mom should not come to your dad's Christmas celebration. They are divorced. Maybe every once in a blue moon you all get together and mom and dad are at the same event...say a wedding or whatever. But they are now two separate families bc they are divorced. He is not her family anymore. I personally think your dad's fiancee is right and is smart...it's weird that your mom throws a fit if she's not invited and wants to go on every vacation with your Dad. Please. You all need to teach your mom some boundaries. BOUNDARIES.

The fiancee should not have to accept that. No, she is not marrying all of you and mom too. She is marrying your dad. How can she ignore mom's behavior when mom is psychotic about it? What you describe is not normal or healthy at all. Yes, you are asking way too much. Mom should not be at all the gatherings; that is just way too much. I can see special occasions, but not every time you get together. You are not one big family. You have a family with your mom and your dad. Your dad and his fiancee are another family. Yes, they can blend, but your mom is way over the top. I can't imagine why the fiancee accepted it for 6 years. If she did, she must be a saint. She deserves to have her family time with everyone without your mother breathing down her neck. It would probably be different if your mom were civil and nice, but she sounds bitter and catty and likes to sabotage things, so she should back off. You should be able to have good relationships with both your parents without one parent trying to throw a wrench into everything.

No, your mom should not be allowed to continue to vacation with your dad and attend gatherings at his home. You are asking too much. You and your siblings are adults and you don't need to have your mom in attendance to have a relationship with your dad and your soon to be step mom and your step siblings. Both your mom AND your dad and future step mom will be much better off and so much happier in the long run if you don't keep insisting they to be forced together. Please enjoy your relationship with them separately. Small children are able to accept they cannot have both parents together during every single holiday and function, so you should be able to as well. You're still going to make time for both of your parent families. I know you love your mom and want to keep her happy, but this this is not helping. Plan your OWN gatherings and vacations with just your siblings and your mom. That would be the kindest thing you can do for her, for everyone else too

Sorry to be the one to break this to you, but you don't get to tell her what she does or does not have to accept in her life. This is her life and you don't get a vote into how she lives it.
This is between her and her fiance. Butt out.

I stand by my original advice to your dad's fiancee, which Cha Cha has linked to below.

It's time to tell your bio mother 'we are not one big happy family'.
Your mom is a control freak and an abuser you allow her to interfere and horn in because it's easier. It's time to put on your big girl panties and tell mom to butt out. Dad has his own life and she is not a part of it.

This step mom to be sounds like a saint in my book. She's put up with a lot of bull. There is no way I'd ever expect to go with my ex and his wife on any "family" trip. That's crazy. Dad should lay down the law and tell mom that he has a new family and she isn't part of it. Then you kids need to go do stuff with your mom and leave your dad out of it. Maybe she's horning in on his time with you guys because she misses you and wants to spend time with all you guys. Make an effort and see if she does better.

You all need to get together and lay out some boundaries for your mother, very clearly. If she can not follow them then cut her out, there is nothing wrong with cutting toxic people out of your life. I can't believe you let it go on this long, especially on vacations and the like. End it, now.