Age Difference Between Siblings...

You have to remember that in large families, there is bound to be a large gap between the first and the last! It's perfectly fine! I only have two, but they are almost 5 years apart, and it's been great! My oldest got all my time and attention for the first 5 years of his life. Then he went to kindergarten when my daughter was 2 months old, so I had time alone with her everyday as well! Both my kids were able to get significant one on one time, which I believe is a real bonus to their early development. And while being a boy and a girl and nearly 5 years apart makes it so that they are at very different stages in their lives, it doesn't mean they aren't close. My daughter's best friends are my son's best friends' siblings, so they often hang out in the same group. And they share a love of music, my son plays guitar while my daughter sings. They have plenty in common, and yet we've never had the competition that comes when they're closer in age.

Also remember that no matter what age difference there is, each child is different and may or may not end up being close friends with their siblings. There are kids two years apart who grow up very distant from each other, and there are kids 6 years apart that grow up best friends. It just depends on their personalities and how you as a parent foster their relationship.

The average span between kids is about 3 years, so that means the average first and third kids are 6 years apart. That's perfectly normal. I think whether you choose to have more kids now should depend on the other factors you mentioned, the age span is really not an issue.

My kids are 31, 28 and 22. At times it was difficult finding "something for everyone" when it came to activities. The older 2 were at different stages and levels than the youngest. With the age difference, the youngest tended to be spoiled more by the older two (& parents).
As long as they are loved and wanted and cared for, it will be fine. The only issue is if you are already having a hard time finding enough time for the two you have now, having more will only make it tougher. The two you have must come before the thought of having more.

There's 4 children in the family I grew up in. I'm the baby. My brother was 15 when I was born, and my sisters were 11 and 3 1/2. I have always had a great relationship with the older 2, but not with the one closest to my age. It has nothing to do with age, and a lot to do with personalities and family circumstances.

My husband and I planned on waiting for 4 years after we were married, and then having 4 children, spaced 2 years apart. Well, God laughs when mortals plan, as they say. My oldest (a girl) was born before our first anniversary, our 2nd (a girl) was born 13 months later, and then we had to wait 7 years for #3 (a boy), and 4 more for #4 (a girl). My 2nd is the super competetive one, always trying to see if we're favoring someone else. She both adores and competes fiercely with the oldest. My oldest tended to be frustrated when we had to give time and attention to the babies when the younger 2 were born, but as she got older she tried to mother all her siblings. The younger two bicker amongst themselves a lot, but adore the oldest two. The "baby" worries that she'll be completely overlooked unless she's very loud and the center of attention all the time.

That said and done, we've never regretted having 4, and in spite of the jockeying for position, they all love each other. :)

Every family is different, and what works for 1 won' t work for another. You and your husband are the only ones who can, or should, make this choice. Good luck! :)

I understand how you are feeling because I also want a third, but am holding back because I feel I don't have enough to give the potential addition. I am a SAHM with a military husband who is gone a lot. It is a balancing act I haven't quite figured out yet and soon I will be past the age I want to have a baby. But, I am waiting until that feeling of not having enough "time to dedicate to the two I have already" has passed because I don't want to take away what my present little ones need from me. It just doesn't seem fair, especially with dad gone so much. The way I look at it when I feel really good about it then it will be the right time and a good experience for the whole family. There is never a "perfect" time, but there is also the realistic limitations of what we can handle. If you can't cut back on work to accommodate their needs and feel stretched thin already it might be best to wait until that stretched feeling has passed. There is never "too much" time in between siblings. Any age difference has its different ups and downs. You can't predict siblings' relationships based on age difference. My brother and I were 6 yrs apart and are close. My husband had five stair step siblings and rarely speak. In making your decision I would consider the WHOLE family dynamic and do it when it is positive all around. Ultimately if you and your husband are stressed the kids will reflect that. But trust me - I want a new snuggle bundle too! I know that feeling! :)

I have a 19 year old and a 3 year old....just love all your kids and everything will be fine...not saying there wont be challenges but all families do no matter what the situation is.

It really does depend on who you talk to. I don't feel there is a "right" answer here, it's what works for you and what happens that is out of your control, really. I feel that no matter the age difference, the kids will always have each other, and they are going to be adults who have each other in the future. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, turning 5 and 3 this summer, and we are hoping to conceive another later this summer. So if all goes well, there would be an age difference of almost 6 years between the potential baby and my oldest, and almost 4 years between a baby and my youngest. I know it's better in the long run, however, since we can't afford three in day care at once, and my oldest will be a great helper if we were to have another. We actually also have to do IVF for a third, though I didn't for my first two, so that is why it has taken us so long in this decision. I do think no matter what happens, as long as the siblings feel valued and respected as individuals, they will value and respect each other. They will have unique relationships with each other as a result of whatever age difference there is, whether a large or small gap. Having kids close in age does not guarantee closeness on their part, and when they get older, it will not matter. Kids are kids for so brief a time!

It's heartening for me to see that you are considering IVF again; it will be my first time and I'm nervous! I'm guessing your experiences have been positive. I honestly don't want twins!! That is my biggest fear! I have faith that it will all work out as it should for me. Good luck to you!

Hi M.,
I say, Go for it! I don't know anyone who regrets having additional children but I know plenty of people who still wonder after having thought about having more, and then deciding against it (or, being unable to).
Besides, if you really think about it, there is no such thing as an optimal age gap. There are pros and cons no matter how you look at it. Some kids are close in age and can't stand each other; others are several years apart and the closest of friends. I wish you the best in your decision. Take care!

I have 3 children. 9,6 & 11 months. We intentionally spaced the first 2 a bit further apart because of the temperment of our first. Our first was 2 months away from his 3rd birthday when our second was born, there is no way it would have worked if he was any younger. We were "going to be done" after #2 when we found ourselves with a surprise pregnancy that ended in misscarriage at 8 wks. This led to us not feeling quite as done. My third was born when my first was 8yrs 3 months and my second was 5 1/2 yrs old. It had been absolutely perfect! If we ever found ourselves with one more I think it would still be fine, although I personally think 3 is enough LOL

From what I've heard, children don't need more siblings to be happy. What they need is loving parents and a happy environment to grow. I would stick with the 2 you already have. Since you're working full-time, I don't think you would have the time to dedicate to all of them equally. If you were a stay-at-home mom, I would say you could handle it. But it wouldn't be fair to your children now to have more kids thrown into the mix and less time for them to be with you.

My husband and I have always talked about having kids 2-3 years apart. He comes from a large family where the kids are 1-2 years apart. We have two children and they are 2 years apart almost to the day. When we talked about a third (in the past), he wanted them around 2 years apart. But I explained this is MY body and I'd rather wait longer than a year after my son was born to try again!!

That being said, we do not feel ready for a third (son is only 8 months) for a few reasons...I think if/when we are 'ready', then our children will be a bit older - ideally I'd like my daughter to be in kindergarten so we wouldn't have three in daycare, but then I'd have a 5 year old, 3 year old and newborn. I actually think that is a good gap. I have heard good and bad things about the age differences so I think it all depends on who you talk to.

I would go for it now because it sounds like you are ready. Don't feel greedy for wanting more kids (being a mom is the most non-greedy job in the world!). At times I feel like I want another soon so I can have more of the love, fun, etc that I already have with my two, but then I take a step back and remember that there are 3 things I said I wanted before we have a third: a larger house (because it's almost impossible to live with the two we have now since it's small...as in 1.5 bedrooms small), my daughter in or almost in kindergarten (because of daycare costs) and ideally, my husband on a day shift so we can raise our children together (the more children = more work!).

Good luck!

Here are two rules of thumb that I find to be sensible and true:

1. Give yourself wholeheartedly and with gratitude to whatever decisions you do make, and you are likely to be content. (Mostly, anyway.)

So if you choose to stop with your current family size, embrace that choice without reservation. If you decide to try again, realize how much additional time, energy, loss of sleep, expense, etc., the new baby will require, and don't gripe about it.

Those niggling reservations are a choice, to a very large degree. And they degrade our overall HQ (happiness quotient).

2. A very wise elder suggests never bringing another child into the world if it will cost existing children anything in terms of time, attention, or quality of care. They are innocent and have no say in the decision, so it's up to parents to remember that their needs are completely valid.

With that second bit of advice, I have personally expanded that to recognize that our human population is putting tremendous strains on the planet that we all share, and that must sustain all future generations. I chose to have only one child, embraced the choice with joy and gratitude, and gave her everything I had. It was and is a happy choice.

Good luck on your decision.

Even if you wait, there is no guarantee what the sex of your baby will be. If your younger is a girl and it's 3.5yrs apart, they can still play and if you have a boy, he isn't that far either. If you're worried one won't have a "pair", the boy would probably be the least likely to care. If you want 10 more and can care for them without killing yourself or the children, then why not. I just know having 2 is a handful in these stressful times much more having more...but it's your choice, finances, time, etc.

i havent read the responces but siblings are gonna fight no matter the age my self and one brother are 2 weeks shy of being 4 years apart and then i have another brother a few months shy of beigh 14 years younger yes the middle one and i fought like cats and dogs but if it ever came down to it i was and am always there for him and now that he is older i know he is there for me and as for the youngest one i loved it when he was younger but no that im a mom i find myself treating him kinda like one of my kids its odd at time to fuss at him for something cuz i know our mom would and i know if it were one of my kids i know i would say something to them my mom has told me she doesnt mind cuz there are times he tries to get away with stuff with his sissy that he wouldnt with mom, but back to the question my stepson is 7 my daughter is 6 and my youngest is 5 and they fight like me and the middle one did but there are times they all play great its just one of those things that really unless there is a great number of years between them they will have their ups and downs like any other sibling sets although the older ones will love to help take care of baby my daughter was little mommy when my son came around

with more kids you have to rethink your car. Hotel rooms are also made for 4. those are the 2 places I have had noticed a "problem" with a large family.

my oldest was 9, #2 was 4 1/2 and #3 had just turned 3 when #4 was born-now they are 12, 8, 6 and 3. I think they are all good age differences. They each have their own unique relationships with one another, and I wouldn't have done it any differently. I love seeing them interact with each other. Now that all of the older kids are in school, I feel the youngest gets some of the 'mom time' I feel he may have missed out on when he was younger because there was so much going on with so many at home.

I have one sister who is 2 yrs 8 months older than I and growing up we didn't have much of a relationship other than her being extremely mean to me, but now we are best friends.

Hi, I am a little confused why you think that there is such a gap between your childrens ages....it doesn't seem like a gap at all. We have 4 and planned on 3 years apart. Of course, nature doesn't always allow how WE plan :-) #1 is nearly 23 now (a daughter), #2 is nearly 20 now (a son)...so the first 2 worked according to "plan"...then #3 & #4 came as boy/girl twins who will be 18 in October. Surprise! Actually we had planned on 3 children. But, as I say, nature doesn't always work the way we plan! Wouldn't trade any of them in and our twins are 2 1/2 years younger than our first two. The age difference has really never been an issue. I could see if you were talking like 10 or 12 years difference...then it would be like two separate families...Good luck on your choices and hope all works as planned.

I can truly understand your situation, as we had to do 9 IVF cycles (yes, all out of pocket!) and now have three children. With the first successful cycle (#7), we had our daughter and 6 frozen embryos. My husband was fine with one child, but I really wanted one more. I have 5 siblings and didn't want her to be an only child. That's just my personal preference. (And no experience with big age gaps in my family. My very fertile mom had 6 of us with 9 years between the oldest and youngest.) We finally agreed to do an FET when my daughter was 3 years and 3 months and I did get pregnant, (due the same month my daughter would turn 4) but due to a screw up on my meds by the coordinator (since fired by the clinic), I had a miscarriage even though my betas were high enough to suggest twins. By the time we did cycle #9, the actual ER was on my daughter's 4th birthday. I did get prgenant with b/g twins and they were 5 weeks early, born when my older daughter was 4 years 7 months (and I was 51 + 5 days!). My older daughter plays very well with the twins and they absolutley adore her. I know how difficult it is when other people just decide to have sex and plan their families and you have to go through a lot of pain and HUGE expense just for the attempt at a family, with no guarantees. I say go for it. The age difference really won't be an issue. The little one (if you're so fortunate) won't be left behind when the other two are at school. It will just allow some one-on-one time with mama!

And for what it's worth, I also work full time and dealing with one in kindergarten and the twins has not been easy. We haven't had any help, and my husband is disabled, so most of the care falls to me. I recently went back to working the night shift just to make my life a little bit more sane. My husband did take care of my older daughter when I returned to work, but there is just no way he can care for the twins, so they go to a Montessori day care where they are loved and they thrive!

Good luck to you! I'm also in Los Angeles County. My RE is having a reunion picnic next Sunday and I can't wait. It's so much fun to see all these miracle babies. Most of my good friends are those I met while cycling over 6 years ago. There's something to be said for associating with people who truly understand your situation.

The age difference you're talking about is pretty small compared to a lot of people I know. My cousins are 7 years apart (girl and boy) and they are best friends. My friend has a 14 year old, a 12 year old and a 7 year old. My cousin has an 8 year old, 6 year old and 2 year old. As long as you encourage your kids to spend time together and love each other, age difference won't matter.

I really don't think that seems like a very large gap at all! My daughter turns six today, and we have a 3 yr old girl and a 7 month old boy... I really can't imagine I would have been ready to have them closer together. I had them when I felt ready to take on another baby- after all, babies require a LOT of time and lost sleep. Each has been old enough to kind of understand what was happening and be excited about helping. I also believe that as long as children are loved and valued as individuals, they adapt amazingly to many changes and situations. I am 10 yrs younger than my sister and 8 yrs younger than my brother- my parents had my siblings young and as my brother and sister got older, my parents really weren't ready to be done with little ones (most people assume I'm an oops). There were times that it was great and times it was hard- but that's just siblings- there is no "best" way to do things. The most important thing is that they know they are the center of your world!

We have 2 boys 5 and 3(23 months apart) and are preg with our third (14 weeks) It was not my plan to have the third this far apart, but because of my husband's personal struggles that's how it turned out. We are hoping to have 4th(if it's God's plan) close to the 3rd though. I has been great for our boys to have each other, so I would like the same thing for our other kids. However my SIL has 2 boys who are 8 and 7 and a girl who is 4 and middle boy and the girl get along the best.

I have a 15 yr old girl (Oct), 6 yr old girl (Mar), almost 5 yr old boy (June), almost 3 yr old boy (June) and a baby "boy" due in July. My 15 yr old doesn't live with us because we had her very young & were not ready to care for her & no she wants little to do with us (very long story there, but we were trying to be good parents & got bite very hard at the end so to speak).

I think 3 yrs is a good time frame between kids... you have enough time to baby the littlest.

I'd say go for it if you want another one :)

You are so blessed to have had 2 children through IVF and I think that personality and gender (neither of which can be predicted) play the most important parts in sibling friendships/rivalries, so age difference is not really the biggest factor (my mom & her youngest sister are 12 yrs apart and are closer than any of the other siblings 2,4, or 6 yrs apart).

A different factor, which is ultimately more important is --if you already have 2 children and feel like you don't have enough time for them already, to figure out what inside of you is making you feel like you want to have more children that you potentially won't have enough time for, thus spreading yourself even thinner (time-wise, financially, physically, emotionally, etc.?) When I read in your post " I work full time and I don't feel I have a whole lot of time to dedicate to the two I have already," I cringed. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be judgmental, but PLEASE, if you are going to have more children, find a way to make more time because especially if you are using IVF, the possibilities of multiples are higher and you need to be prepared to exponentially multiply the time YOU give to them. You say "I want to have this baby for me" which sounds (sorry, but I'm not sure how to sugar coat this), pretty selfish. YOU are more important to your children than their siblings are...at least until they are adults, and even then, they still might not be close, so unless you can dedicate that time to raising them...please reconsider having more.

I know you're not asking for advice on whether or not to have more children, and I usually don't even respond to posts unless I'm actually addressing the question asked, but I just felt compelled to address the issue of having more children when you are already stretched with the time you have for your current children. Quality vs. quantity.

Enjoy every moment with each of your precious little gifts!!