Advice on Marital Help

K. -

Wow. This one really struck a chord. I could tell you a very LONG story, but I'll skip to the helpful part. "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Your Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. If your counselor hasn't already recommended it, get it and read it. Amazon has it new for $8.99 or used for less than $3.

I see my ex-husband and me in nearly everything you wrote, particularly the emotional intimacy part. Sorry to bring up the "ex," but I wasn't introduced to this book until after we got divorced. My story has a happy ending as I'm now re-married and blissfully happy, but what I learned from that book has much to do with it.

Feel free to reply if you want to talk. You're not alone. I often wish I could help others avoid the mistakes I've made. That book changed everything for me. L.

I'm so amazed by your openness and honesty in such a public forum. I bet a lot of people can probably relate and you are helping them by being so brave. I don't usually respond very often, but I can't help myself here! I think it's really important for you to consider that your husband is most likely depressed and needs to address it. Does he love (or at least like) his job? Does he have good relationships with friends? Family? Men ALWAYS blame outside sources (ie. their job or wife) when something isn't right. Perfect example: a study showed that when 1st grade girls did poorly on a test, they said "I didn't study hard enough." Whereas the boys said, "The teacher made the test too hard." I just quickly found this link about male depression that might help: http://www.midlife-passages.com/depressi.htm
You need to focus on you right now! Get as much rest as you can with a toddler, and nourish that beautiful baby growing inside you. The more you value yourself and your needs, the more valuable you will seem to your husband.
Best wishes for a healthy happy birth!

K.,

Being pregnant and worried about your marriage is very stressful for you. You need to communicate with your husband and explain to him what you're feeling and thinking. We, as women, think our husbands know our every thought and feeling. Well, they may want to but don't have a clue where to even begin. They just don't think about things the way we do. You need to sit him down and explain to him how you're feeling. Things could be as bad as you feel but you could be misinterpreting what his actions portray and you're blowing things out of proportion (women tend to do this.) Talk to him, reveal your heart to him and you never know what will happen. You could be doing a lot of stressing out that you don't need to be putting yourself through.

In my opinion your husband wouldn't be going to therapy if he didn't want to make this work. Give it all you have.

Children add stress to a marriage because mom is busy taking care of the kids, house, work, etc and we forget sometimes what is most important - our husband. What better gift can we give to our children but a happy marriage? Trust me. I've been there and done that. Set aside special time to spend with your husband once the new baby arrives. It can make a world of difference.

A little about me. I'm 36 years old and married to my college sweetheart. We've been married 17 years and have a 6 year old daughter and a four year old son. (close to the same age span your children will be) I worked full time until my children were 2 & 4 years old.

Good luck and hang in there! It will all be worth it in the end. Just don't give up and walk away.

I don't think he would be going to counseling if he didn't want to try to make it work. That being said, talk about your feelings that you expressed here either at counseling or at home with your husband. It does take time, so don't rush to any conclusions too early. Also, make time for the two of you to spend quality time together, before the baby comes and again after. I have been married for 8 years and have 2 children (1 and 3) and have been where you are. Making time for your husband is key to making this work.

You're doing the right thing by hanging in there, making what changes you can, and going to counselling. Sometimes expressing the strength of your own commitment and desire to keep your family together is enough to help an immature, confused guy re-think things. He needs to feel that he's been heard and that you are committed to working things through. You cannot control what he decides or predict how this will go over time, but I wouldn't push him into a corner on this. He may be reacting to the pressure of another child and hopefully will grow through this. Sometimes men begin to feel trapped and like this isn't what they signed on for, but they can get through it if you can wait it out and not try to force a decision. Often, after a divorce, both partners wonder what happened & why they couldn't work it out. You've got a lot at stake here. Of course this will make you feel scared and upset, and it's not fair that it's happening, especially during a pregnancy, but you sound mature and wise and you seem to be doing all you can to get on solid ground again. You are NOT alone! A lot of women go through times like this. You and your kids are going to be OK, regardless of what your hubby decides in the long run.

I don't know what your religious background or orientation is, but this would be an ideal time to turn to God and to talk to a clergy person for support and encouragement, whether or not hubby is willing to join you in this. You need all the help and wise, loving folks in your life you can get as you work this out.

My husband and I went to counseling shortly after our first child was born and we learned that open, honest communication is vital in a marriage. Talk to your husband about not only what you are feeling, but what he is feeling as well. If he won't open up, mention it at the next couseling session. If the counselor doesn't think it's important, find a new one. The quality of your marriage and the marriage itself depends on open and honest communication between you both.
Good for you for being willing to work hard no matter how long it takes. Your marriage is between you and your husband but it will directly affect your children for the rest of their lives as well.

Hi,
I'm sorry you are going through this, it's seems like you feel the biggest burden here and being pregnant probably adds to the stress. Marriage is hard with or without the stress of a new baby. You're hearing this from someone who has not been married for a long time, so keep it in mind when you read my answer. First you are not responsible for your entire marriage working, your husband also has responsibility here. Since he was open to come to you, and seems invested, from what you describe, talk to him either in the session or at home. Tell him your concerns about the new baby coming and the stress that it will bring. He needs to hear you and offer you some reassurance during this time. There is no way you alone can make this work, you are half of the team, do what you can,and it sounds like you have been doing that.Talk with him and tell him how scary things are for you right now and see if you can both come up with a plan to help settle your fears. There is never a guarantee with anything but from my perspective you have a right to ask for him to help you through this time. He did after all help make this baby.Also if you feel like you need a new therapist certainly look for one, remember Rome was not built in a day so things take time to change.
L.