4 Yr Old Dealing with Broken Promises

I understand how you feel. My ex did the same thing when we got divorced and I finally had it out with him. I told him that if he didn't plan on picking them up and spending time with them when he said he was .. that I will no longer cover up for him and make up excuses, I will flat out tell the kids, "he's just not coming , I guess he has more important things to do." I also told him that they are going to grow up fast and before you know They will not have time for You because they will have their own friends to hang out with. Time is short and in a childs eyes what you do with them is more important than what you buy them. He finally got on the ball and picked them up on a regular basis. As for the part about him just hanging around the house, Get your son, go to the door and tell him " your son is ready to go, have fun and bring him back by such time" and hold the door open for him. My ex tries to do that too, and we have been divorced for 6 years.

Another thing you can do is if he promised your son to go somewhere and didn't... you take him. Your son will grow up knowing and understanding all you do for him. Trust me I know... my oldest is 18 and recently left for the Navy and she made sure to tell me how much it ment that I kept promises that her dad broke, that I supported her even when I was unsure about certain things I was there. My son is 16 and prefers to hang out at home with my boyfriend and me than anywhere else. And my baby is 13 and well she's a teenager you'll find out soon enough how they can be.

Kids are tougher than they look and VERY smart. He will unfortunately get to a point when he wont get excited if his dad says he's going to do something with him. He will on the other hand always know who he can count on.. YOU. Good Luck and God Beless You.

A.- El Paso, Texas

Keep doing what you are doing. You are an Awesome Mom. Your son sounds sharp, he will figure it out. That will be between his father & his Grandmother. Don't say anything negative about either or let him be disrespectful to/about either one. He may need to vent his frustration about it, I found just listening was all that was needed. He will know that not all family/people are like that because he has you!!
Bless you, sweetheart! Stay strong and positive. You are doing a great job!

I am going through the same thing. I recently left my ex of 7 years and have a 5 year old girl. Her Dad tells her that he is going to buy her things and then doesn't come through. He doesn't see her but maybe once a month lately. She has been really rebellious in school with her behavior also. That could be in part to her missing him. I would just make sure that you tell both of them not to make broken promises because you are having to them up and it's not fair to your son. Be very stern about it also.

You are doing what you can. What worked for me and my brothers when we were young was that my mother would not even tell us when my dad was suppose to pick us up. Hanging around waiting for him got so old that we stopped getting ready. We were a bit older, 10, 6 and 4, but we still knew what was going on. In the end, your son will learn to resent his dad for all the lies and broken promises. I am now 31 and my brothers are in their 20's and we still can't rely on him, but we are adults now and we just brush him off. He comes around when he is looking for family time and then goes MIA for weeks at a time until he needs something. We have come to the point where we don't want anything to do with him. I hope for your sons sake that his dad opens his eyes. He is still young and dad can revive how his son sees him by being more hands on. Maybe dad thinks he has to entertain him and spend $$ on him, which he does not. He only needs to hang out with him and let him know that he still cares. But, seriously, if he wants to make plans, make sure they go through you and you talk to your son minutes before he picks himm up.

I believe in being honest with kids. My advice would be to explain to your son (on his level) that although his dad and grandmother may mean well they most likely will not keep their promises to him or probably anyone else. My dad has a habit of doing that and as a child I was disappointed many times until I realized the truth. As a result this has always been a sensitive area for me and I vowed that if I made a promise to either of my children I would keep it. I was also very careful what I promised. I also "warned" them that they shouldn't count on Grandpa to keep his promises. In addition, as a Christian family we taught them that The Lord promises to never leave us or forsake us and He NEVER breaks His promises. Once they knew all of this they would just listen patiently and respectfully to my dad but were careful not to take to heart any "promises" he made to them. If your son is prepared and knows ahead of time what (and what not) to expect from them, it hopefully will be easier for him to deal with. God bless you!

Hi Ginny, I am sorry to hear that you are having this problem. I know I have been there and still am. My son is 10 now and his father and I divorced when he was 2.

One thing I never allowed was his father to come into "our" house. There was absolutly no reason for it. It also can give a young child mixed signals about you all "getting along" So I recommend that he no longer be allowed to come and hang out. If he wants to spend time with your son he can take him somewhere which is what I always enforced.

Another thing me and my son do, and still do is "NO PROMISES" Life gets in the way as it is sometimes. As a single parent I never wanted to say Oh I promise we will do this or that and then for some reason work or money or what ever it may be I couldn't follow through. So we have a strict No promise rule in our house. A big part of that rule is because my ex would promise things and my son would always be heart broken when it didn't happen. So even now when he is like "I promise I will take you to the game" My son will just yell in response: "Yea dad just try your best!"

My son knows that the chance is there that it wont happen, unfortunatly it hardly does but at least he is no heart broken over it. It is easy for him to shrug it off and just hang out with me or his friends.

One thing I never did and will not do is bad mouth his father. Even when my son would be very upset and saying things about his father I never joined in because I knew he only says those things out of anger.

I hope this helps.

I agree with Monica and the way you get to that point is by putting and end to the Ex just dropping by! If he just shows up, you have no control over what he promises. Tell him he is no longer allowed to just show up-change the locks if you have to! He has to call and coordinate with you and when he comes do not let him in the door. He must take your son OUT for his visits, not come by to hang out with you! You are doing the right thing by not letting the MIL talk to your son on the phone anymore. I had to completely cut off my ex-MIL about 2 years ago. She seems to have realized the loss her actions have caused her and is now willing to do things on my terms only!

By setting boundaries with these people, you are not trying to cut them out, but trying to make the situation better for the most important person--your SON. Never feel ashamed or bad about that!

Perhaps continuing your conversations with the adults is a good idea. Perhaps your son can ask daddy and grandmother himself. In the meantime, continue to assume good will. Continue to indulge your son in activities that takes up his time--gymnastics, boy scouts, etc. Perhaps this way, your son becomes engage and his time becomes limited. Remember, we don't miss our water until the well runs dry. I hope this helps a little.

Do you have another male relative who might be willing to step in and "fill the gap" for your son? It sounds like the behavior your ex is exhibiting was learned from his mother. You don't want your son to learn this behavior, too, do you?

What I'm saying is: I admire your wanting to include your son's father in his life, but this might not be the best thing for him. See if you can enlist the aid of another male relative or close family friend who you (and your son!) can count on to follow through on promises made.

You might want to have a family conference (without your son there) with your ex and his mother and explain to them what you are doing. I don't think they think their behavior is out of the norm. Let them know (again) that it is, and that you don't want your child growing up and learning that it's OK to promise something and then break his word. After all, a man's (or woman's) word is what makes the difference between being honorable and untrustworthy.

Hope this helps.

S.

an you go back to court and have a visitation order issued for certain times? That would stop the "just hanging around" the ex likes to do, because when he picks up the son for a visit, you can always have something planned that will take you out of the picture. As for the unkept promises, I doubt there's anything you can do about that. Lots of people make promises to children, just because they're children and they know they can get away with it. You seem to have that situation under control by keeping the promises yourself. Your child will just learn, unfortunately, that his father and grandmother are not trustworthy people. As long as they don't hurt him physically, I don't see much of an out for you.

Hi Ginny,

I cant tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what I did in a similar situation. I divorced my first husband and I didn't remarry until 5 years later. We have a son together and my x has never been there for our son, broke alot of promises and still does to this day. When my son was younger it was very hard to explain to him why dad wasnt around and why dad wasnt coming to pick him up. I finally got fed up with my x behavior. I new our son needed to have a male role model in his life, boys need that. So when my x wasnt around or when he was breaking his promises I sought out men in the family. I took my son to my dads and let him hang out with him. I have 2 brothers and they would play with him. I have a grandfather that has been an inspiration. If you dont have male family members that you feel could be a good role model adopt one. If you know of a friend and you know her or his family and they have male family members and you feel they could be a good role model. There is also a group called Big brothers and Sisters. You dont have to leave them alone with any of them. Boys just need to hang out. It helped me alot and when I remarried to my husband today my son from my first marriage thinks of my husband as his role model. We stay intouch with my x and try to get along and communicate but somethings dont change so you have to do whats right for your kids and now my x has a new family so we dont hear to much from him and our son is okay with that. Kids are stronger than you think, you have to be strong too. It will work out for the best no matter what happens. He will be alright and so will you. If anything pray about it.

Hi Ginny,

If you think your son can handle this, the next time one of them makes a promise and doesn’t follow through, let your son call and ask Dad or grandma why. Hopefully that will make them uncomfortable and get the point across that this behavior is hurting this precious child and not just you talking hypothetically when you asked them not to promise things they don’t plan to delivery. You don’t need to make excuses for anyone else’s behavior to your son, just keep putting it back on them by having him ask them about it. If you don't won't your son to do this in person, have him write a letter and mail it. Also, don’t feel like it’s your job to follow through with other people’s broken promises. Plan and do the things that you want to do with your son and not someone else’s ideas. Right now, your son is too young to be able to understand that some men aren’t good dads (not saying anything about your ex) but unfortunately if you see a need; it’s on you to try and fill until he’s old enough to understand. I agree with Heather, let him figure out the kind of dad his father is on his own and focus on being the wonderful mother that you are. He will love you and feel secure with you. Good luck to you and your little one.

Please dont try to make up for the MIL and Dad. Your son is going to have to find out who they are, and sooner is better.
When they break a promise, comfort your son and remind him that YOU will always keep your promises (and do it). Its a painful lesson your son is learning but he will feel deceived if you cover for them, he will figure it out.
I think that it is a good idea to limit phone calls with MIL if she is making promises and not following thru - not much you can do about dad though.
My heart aches for you and your son. Please let us know how things are going.
T.

It's their loss, not his. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make up for someone else's faults. I've also been in this situation with an ex, so I know how you feel. I did the same thing you did until I realized that I couldn't change his dad. But I could change the situation. Always be positive every time they disappoint him. I know that it is hard to look in those sad little eyes! Also, as tempting as it is, don't trash talk dad and grandma. That only hurts him more and creates resentment toward you. Make sure that he understands that it is not you breaking the promises. I would actually have my ex tell him that he couldn't make it and why. I got tired of being the bearer of bad news. Unfortunately some people disappoint you in life. However, that doesn't mean that you can't still enjoy life. Always have a "Plan B." My son is 17 now, and has his dad's number. I didn't have to tell him. He figured it out himself. It's a life lesson that has unfortunately come early for your son. Don't beat yourself up about it. Give him a big hug and kiss, and move on to the next adventure! Good luck!

My heart was breaking while reading this as I went through the same thing with my own father. The one thing my mother never did was badmouth my father because we loved him so much and I commend you for that. Unfortunately, it seems your precious little one will have to learn his first hard lesson about family. If daddy does not come when he says he is, then you just explain to your son that his father does love him, but he is not coming today. Now if you want to fill in (as I would because that hurt expression I know his little face gets, breaks your heart) do so. These actions by you will let him know that you will always be there for him. You will be showing him a shining expample of what love is. Does it make daddy look bad? Yes, but this will be something he will learn on his own and form his own opinions about. I know I did. My dad's excuse was money, but we did not care what we did as long as got to see him and spend time with him. I know money helps, but in a child's mind, it is all about spending time with daddy. My prayers are with you and your sweet little one. Let him continue to talk to both daddy and grandma and you will be surpised at how intelligent your little one is wiith processing information and making his own calculations about people.

I also think you need to communicate with daddy and garndma and let them know how you feel. don't sugarcoat or be nice about it either. Explain to them what they do is wrong and while your son can still talk to them and spend time with them; eventually the broken promises are going to catch up with them and their word will mean squat.

That is a hard one. You have every right to block the calls from grandma, but you understand that you shouldn't with dad. This is the deal: You're gonna have to let your ex be the kind of father that he is and teach your son how to manage his relationship with him. That's painful, but you chose him to father your child and--barring any severe acute trauma--you have to let him do just that. Creating a pattern of blocking the blows keeps your son from getting the lessosn that are in it for him, and it's more traumatizing for him later. You can't protect your child from his parent's insensitivities and inconsistencies. You have every right to cushion the blows, but he's got to learn--even at this age--to manage his relationship with each of his parents. Just nurture him and feed his little soul with things that will empower him. At some point he will tell his father to keep his promises to himself, or he'll take it in stride and lower his level of expectation. It'll be up to you to isolate that only to his father and help him not associate that rejection with everyone else, or even other male.

I guess in practical terms, you don't tell him not to count on his father, but you don't push it, either. If he gets excited about doing something with his dad, you share in the excitement ("You're gonna really enjoy going to the park!") without emphasizing his father's role in it. Focus the attention on his enjoyment of the activity and not on who's taking him. I think that it's great that you follow through on some of those promises. As he gets older, you can taper that off. I know that it's the hardest thing ever to watch your baby's heart break. You can't stop it, though, so the best you can do is to massage it to healing and make sure that he gets the balance of consistency. You'll be tempted to over-compensate--giving him just about everything that he wants--but don't. The key for him will be for you to teach him coping skills now. Let him cry at the disappointment and do something special with him, but then make him do his chores. Unfortunately, he's got to learn early that life will disappoint, but you've got to keep going...that disappointment does not equal lack of love, just as overindulging does not equal love. Don't turn into the permissive parent just because his father is who he is. There's no balance in that. Please seek counseling for practical tips and guidance.

Hi Ginny:

I have been having the same kinds of problems with my ex and our daughter is now 9. (been going on for a long time with dad and "pa-pa". I recently read a book called "Joint Custody with a Jerk". It has some very insightful ways of dealing with different issues and this issue could be resolved in one of the ways.

Hope that helps.

Hi,

I understand. I am a single parent with my kids father hanging around -- with all his problems. My kids have learned that Daddy isn't all that truthful at times.

Your ex will either be a good father or he won't, but either way, it's really HIS decision, not yours. You can't force him to be a good father (or your MIL to be a good grandma). Just be there for your kids when they want to talk. I don't sugar-coat anything about my kids' father. My kids come to me to talk and I answer their questions honestly. They know there is nothing I can do about their father's shortcomings in the parent department and they have been great. They try to have a relationship with him and they get frustrated, but they know they will always have me to come to.

That's the best I can do for them. I can't control their father and I don't want to. If you keep using all your energy to try to make that work, you will just end up tired and unhappy. Don't do it. No matter what you try to cover up by fulfilling promises that Dad makes, your kids know the truth. You aren't hiding anything from them.

Good luck.
J.

I am so sorry for you all. When the ex comes over to veg out or to talk to you tell him you dont want to talk infront of the boy. Ask him to take him to the park or where ever he has promissed then he can call you on your phone. Talk to him for a few mins what ever will pacifi ex and then suddenly have to go. I think you are going to have to be tricky and clever in this situation. As for grandma tell your son she is old and old people froget. I would give major guilt trip on grandmother. But its probley not the right thing to do but its what I would do in this situation. I think its great that you want your son to have a realationship with his dad. He will eventually realize what he is all about. I hope you have a good male influence in your sons life. Like if you have a brother or church friend. When your son is old enough try joining a Boy Scouts or something simular. Its male influenced so you wont be as welcome as a father but I think it would be good. I say this with kindness intentions. God bless.

Ginny,
You sound like a really wonderfull mother and your son will grow up knowing that. All that I can say is to pray about it. God is the answer to the toughest times. I would do the same things if I were you. It sounds like your mother in law makes promises she can't keep just to bug you, esp since you have asked her not to. I don't understand what kind of person does something like that on a repeated basis. Keep taking your son on fun activities, make a plan to do that once a week, mby even with another parent and their child...kids LOVE THAT. It gives them something to look forward to all day.
God Bless You!