3 1/2 Year Old Insists Parents to Do Things He Can Do Himself

The wanting mommy to do things for me phase is very typical. When my daughter does it, I realize she just wants a little of my undivided attention and I will help her (to get dressed for example) and make a game out of it. If he has a cold, he is more likely to want some mommy attention.

At 3 1/2 though I would get on the potty training right away! The older they are, the more likely that can be a power struggle. Don't expect that he will "take the initiative" and go (and wipe) by himself anytime soon. Most kids need to be reminded to go to the bathroom regularly for many months after they are "potty trained". I buy the kids' wet wipes (Kan-doo by Pampers) for the bathroom so it is easier for her to get clean.

I worked with kids in a school age care for 8 years and many, many kids are unable to wipe their own butts in kinder garden. You certainly don't want your child to have butt rash because he doesn't successfully wipe his rear end. I still wipe my daughter and she just turned four because I think it would be horrible to walk around chafing all day. He will end up wanting to do everything himself soon enough. If he does do something himself overpraise him for being a big kid and make him feel proud of his abilities. Sometimes when we have more than one child we want the big kid to grow up too fast and be the big helper like doing things himself when this is not really fair to our kids. The best thing you can do is praise him when he does something himself and when he is sick, take care of him until he feels better. I am sure when he doesn't feel good he doesn't want to blow his own sore raw nose. He wants his parents to make him feel good as any little kid should. Kids grow up too fast, enjoy this short time you have with him to be a little kid while he is little.

For my daughter (also 3 1/2) this is a phase. She sees me doing things for her baby sister, and she wants to be a baby too. When she does this, I think it is usually her wanting my undivided attention rather than her regressing, though that is possible too. I gently remind her that she is a big girl, and can do it for herself. I will try to offer her something else I can help her with instead (like get dressed so mommy can help you color). When that isn't possible, I tell her she can do it, and get busy doing something else. She can throw a tantrum if she wants to (she doesn't usually) but she'll be doing it in her bedroom with the door shut because I'm not listening to it.

AFA the toilet training. Every child has their motivator, and if you can figure out what his is, it will be much easier. All I can suggest is in general, let him think it is his idea, and make it a positive experience. My daughter does wipe herself, and does a pretty good job of it, but we still check her to make sure she got clean.

If it's a power struggle he believes that his strength is in showing you that you can't make me or you can't stop me. He feels inadequate, dependent and that others are in control. He's negative goal is power. Adult's responses to behavior driven by this mistaken goal is to feel angry and challenged and to insist that the child does as the adult says. The child's reaction to correction is that the misbehavior intensifies. So, the advice is to work on teaching the child that he is CAPABLE.

Also regarding power struggles, when the misbehavior occurs, it is best to try not to win. Give him opportunity and choices so that he can display power constructively. Maintaining a friendly attitude is also key. The constructive belief you want to foster is, "I can do it" contributing to a feeling of competency and self control. The positive goal then becomes self-reliance. So, your thoughts to potty train him are right on! In fact, I'd say he's kind of indicating to you that he's more than ready.

One note, if your child is into avoidance and your feeling is more of giving up, that is actually more serious than a power struggle because a child at that stage is very discouraged and may need professional intervention. I didn't get that from your request, but thought I'd mention it just in case. If that is the case, what he needs most is courage, to feel that he can handle what comes. The strategy for parents is to notice only strengths and ignore the negative and to set-up steady exposure to manageable tasks that have a guarantee of success. No criticism.

I hope this helps. If it sounds kind of academic or professional it's because I'm in school to become a therapist. That said, this all has been helping me a lot with my own strong willed children (4 and 2).

Best wishes!

The best advice I could give about avoiding tantrums is to never give into one, no matter what. Once you give into a tantrum it opens their minds to know that if they throw one longer and louder, you will give in to it. Each time you try to not give in but in the end do, it just teaches him to outlast you. Instead, remove him from the situation. If he starts throwing a tantrum, put him on a tantrum rug and tell him to go ahead and throw his fits but he has to stay right there on the rug so he doesn't hurt himself. Then walk away, once you walk away he knows he doesn't have your attention and being given permission to throw a fit makes it less appealing. Be consisitent, if he throws one off the rug, pick him up, put him on the rug and walk away. After he is done throwing his fit, sit down with him and ask him if he feels better or if his body fells yucky after the tantrum. I do this with my granddaughter and show her how tantrums make her feel yucky and that isn't good for the body. As for doing things for himself, either expect him to do it or you do it right away because telling him to do it and then doing it when he gets angery it just teaches him to be angry to get things done. Pick your fights with him. Wipe his nose, at 3 and half he probably won't do a good job of it anyway and lets face it, those little fingers will spread the germs to more places then if you would do it and wash your hands afterwards. Chances are when it is no longer a power play, he will be more independent with wanting to do things for himself and you will wonder what happened to your little boy, he is growing so fast.

Potty training is pretty easy when they are ready. Have a sticker board and start him with standing in front of the potty without clothes while running his bathwater. The water will help him need to go and this is a perfect time to learn what the potty is all about. Give a sticker for each try, a m&m for each time he goes and a few for if he goes poop. I also used andies mints for my granddaughter while pottytraining her. When we went to the olive garden for lunch and they gave them with the check she held her's up high and exclaimed loudly "Ohhh Potty Candy!"

Ok I just need to ask I am not judging you every one is different . But why have you not tried potty training him before now ? You sound like you want him to be independent but he is still in diapers I am confussed I guess .
But any way a child is going to act out from time to time and if he sees you wiping the younger ones nose and doing things for his brother he wants you to help him once in a while .
My big thing with my kids I always say show me how you do that and they are so proud of them selfs when they do it that they keep doing it . Mabey that will work with potty training too say can you show me how a big boy sits on the potty . I know boys are tough my little man was 2 1/2 before he was trained and my daughter was trained by 18 months so every child is different and every parent is different so no judgment on my part just questions .

Certainly this might be a phase, since I see my kids go through all kinds of phases I'm at a loss to explain! But I did have one thought, that this might just be related to the cold. When my kids don't feel well (especially my oldest) they stop wanting to do certain things themselves, get much more clingy and less independent. It's possible that this nose blowing thing is just a way of telling you that he wants to be taken care of while he doesn't feel well. I know it's frustrating, and I hate spending all day wiping my son's nose when I knew he can do it himself! But perhaps it's just that he's not feeling well.

The potty training can be a whole other issue. I had trouble training my oldest and am now working with my 3 1/2 year old, so I'll happily talk more with you about that if you'd like. Good luck!

Okay... it has been a while since I have been where you are at (although, believe me, I was there!!!lol).

My best friend is a social worker who works with children, and encouraged me to do "art" whenever possible while "teaching" or "correcting" or even just communicating with my girls. It has worked beautifully in MANY situations, including the establishment of a bedtime routine.

What I did with the bedtime routine (with a goal of decreasing whining and excessive need of reminders...) was to pull out a big piece of blank paper and a whole bunch of crayons. On the top I wrote BEDTIME and then I led what I will refer to as a "brainstorming" session (with my daughter and husband). In a sort of innocent way, I began by "trying to remember" what we need to do when we are getting ready for bed (I already knew the list I wanted - brushe teeth, potty, pajamas, vitamin, prayers, book) and we took turns calling out items, which I wrote on the paper with the crayons.

It was fun for Mara - my daughter - see "her" ideas get written down, and my husband helped to make sure we had all the "right" answers. It was very playful, and afterward we circled the items that she needed to do by herself (pajamas, go potty) in order to get the what we put as a reward - the bedtime book. Normally, I would say that reading is not a treat that could maybe be with-held (because it is so important to read to kids) but Mara was VERY motivated for her book every night, so it worked in the situation.

We hung up the list on the bathroom door which she refered to by herself (I drew pictures of each item) as a reminder of all of the steps.

It was a fun activity, that produced more than one positive outcome. First, it turned the entire bedtime routine into a sort of fun activity (ala Mary Poppins) Second, I stopped needing to remind her (or beg or threaten, or get mad), I just refered to the list (usually by pointing or looking over myself) Lastly, it was an excellent problem solving technique that produced lots of quality family time.

I wish you well as you and your family enjoy these wonderful opportunities to teach and grow. Take care, K.

My son is like this to. He is 5 and can do most things himself. However when I ask him to do it suddenly he can't do it! Funny how it works this way! I also have a 19 month old. I have noticed this behavior started around the time my 19 month old was born. Some times I humor him and help him do things and other times I make him do it (pick your battles wisely:) As for potty training I bought a lot of something he likes (ex. M&M’s, fruit snacks…etc.) and he got one every time he went in the potty. This worked well for us. I agree it is a power struggle to a point. We play the, you’re the big brother, card. We say “you’re the big brother and you have to show your (bother or sister) how it’s done.” This usually works for us. Good luck!

Mine is 3 1/2 and he is doing the same things. He loves to help with chores but don't ask him to put his own pants on! He can dress and undress himself almost completely, but he doesn't like to do it. I think it's just what you said: it's a stage, he's hanging on to being little, and he's being stubborn about getting his own way. They want to be independent but they also want to be babied. I'm betting if we just hang on and wait it out, it'll pass like everything else. But I'm right there with ya.