Would Your Feelings Be Hurt??

I think I'd be counting it as a blessing that I didn't have to deal with what you decribed. Letting it hurt your feelings is a waste of time, taking it well makes it possible for you to make your own plans - do what you want, when and where you want.

I'd pick out my own traditions(when I was freed of the obligations we started having chili and sleeping late as opposed to getting up early to start a turkey and all the extras). It is all in the spin that you choose to take.

relax and enjoy the freedom from craziness.

No you shouldn't be upset, you should be relieved. Holidays are for relaxing and giving thanks for those you have around you. Start a new tradition. You and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving AS A FAMILY all on your lonesome. Make a smaller turkey, or have ham, or whatever YOU want free from the expectations or traditions of others. Enjoy yourselves free from the craziness and expectations of others. Does that mean be bitter or nasty about things to the MIL....No! When your MIL calls for help, just tell her "sorry I can't we are planning something for the family here at home". Plus I think we all know someone who has no place to go on the holidays that we can invite to share the day with us. There are a lot of lonely people during the holidays.

From what I gather from your post your SIL is very selfish and self centered and INSECURE, that is why she always has to have things her way or the stuff hits the fan. It's a power trip on her part. This Thanksgiving let someone else deal with that mess and enjoy being free of it. Sometimes the best way to keep the peace is to not be part of the chaos. I would consider letting your MIL know (through your husband of course) that always giving in to the SIL's whims does not promote peace or harmony in any family situation, it actually creates resentment and hard feelings, and that you're both ready to accept your SIL as she is but that you've made the choice not to be party to her tantrums, or be involved in the chaos she creates, so dear Mom/MIL you are on your own here. Tough love works quite well.

So don't be sad, or hurt, just have your own shindig with whomever you choose to invite and enjoy your worry/chaos free Thanksgiving, in your own home, with your own traditions. And maybe next year invite everyone to your house for Thanksgiving, then it's your turf, and your rules and your ways. If the SIL and family chooses not to attend consider it a blessing.

So don't worry be happy. Have a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Sounds to me like the problem is with you, not your MIL. MIL asks you to be nice to SIL and you say no, but it's her fault? It's up to you how you handle people in your family, you can choose to play to game or not...but if you choose not to, then don't be surprised when people stop asking you to be on their team.

I would suggest that your husband talk to his mom about it and ask her if she is willing to sacrifice a relationship with his family because that is what is happening. It's his mom so I think he should be the one to talk to her. Hang in there---my dad also gave me a great read when dealing with some toxic in laws...How to hug a porccupine. It helped me a lot.