Need Opinions on This Letter I Wrote to DH About His Parents/sisters

This is N.'s husband speaking. She wanted my opinion. Here goes:

What is the problem here? Is it the toxic family? The traveling? There are many issues here in this letter. From a guy's stand-point: pick a topic.

My two cents is this has NOTHING to do with Thanksgiving. This has everything to do with your husband not defending the castle, speaking from experience with people hostile to my wife. I read your other post as well and it sounds like the issue you outline in the last paragraph has been going on for a number of years with his mother. I learned the harsh lesson of saying ANYTHING bad about my relationship to my mother. I saw it N.'s eyes. I saw the hurt. It is his JOB to be the go-between. His first duty is to you and the kids, not to his mother and family anymore. Sounds tough, but oh well. It comes with the job.

My advice to him: Don't go. Stop speaking to Mom for a while and re-connect with Dad. Chances are if Mom is putting sisters first, his Dad is getting run over.

As far as the letter goes, you know you husband. I wouldn't react too well to reading this stuff in letter format, but that is not the relationship that N. (my Abigail Adams) have. And don't invite them either. At this point, it would be like throwing the gates open to the Hun, letting them trash the interior, then they leave you and husband to sort out the pieces. Work on his defense of the walls first.

Truthfully, (and I know you're in an awkward situation) it sounds a lilttle sophomoric to me. Sounds like exactly the kind of "I said, she said, they said or do" stuff that men don't tolerate well.
I think you'd do well to muster the courage and tell your husband to his face that "We're staying home for Thanksgiving this year. I'm not dragging an infant for hours in the car. If your folk would like to come and visit at some point over the long weekend, that would be fine. Let me know."

Natalie's husband is right. Your husband has to let his family know that is kind of behavior toward the woman HE has chosen is unacceptable. Once HE lays the boundary, they should start towing the line. It is hard to be around toxicity. So don't do it. Loyalty is a big thing in a marriage. Always present a united front to the world. cb

About 6 yrs ago, I gave up going to my SIL's for Christmas. My husband supported me and we now stay home and have established traditions with our two children.
3 yrs ago, I cut the Thanksgiving with my family due to stress and all the hoopla. My DH works shiftwork and usually works that day so my 2 girls and I have started volunteering at a community meal!!! Another new tradition established and a life lesson for them.
The holidays are for family and your DH and DD are who you need to celebrate with.
But I would make a point of visiting his parents during off times just to keep somewhat of a connection. You might be able to actually enjoy the visit w/o all the other distractions and maybe clear the air some. I do make a point of visiting those relatives at other times-mainly summer break. I think we hyper focus on 2 days out of the year when there are actually 365 days!!

Ultimatums and the holidays seem to go hand in hand in our stressed out society. If neither of you feel like going to the chaotic Thanksgiving Dinner you have every right not to. Yes, it really is that simple. If I were you, since you and Hub don't really get on all that well with his sisters, I would just pick a day or wknd out of the year when the time is right to visit Grandma and Grandpa without the chaos part. You have your own child now, make your own traditions for your child to grow up with. I remember (now in retrospect) that there were some years we didnt go do the annual feast with extended family maybe because mom was ticked at one of her sisters or she just wanted to get away and do something fun like stay at a cabin and have some restaurant feed us without the fuss and mess or by gosh she fixed the whole dinner herself and we all stayed home and got fat and sassy together, watched football and ate pumpkin pie.... it's not that bigga deal to skip out on the out of town visits now and then. Besides, it's time you start practicing making your own turkey and fixings on your own... and when you get good at it that's when you invite everyone to your place ;)
If either of you are "hatin" the holidays you definitely need to re-evaluate and eliminate that which you do not want to do.
If you can't go hang with the SIL's for a day and keep a smile on your face all you will do is add more fuel to the fire. This is your husbands family tho, and sometimes you have to tolerate stuff you don't really want to... but if you love him you can usually muster the strength to do it to keep the peace... you need to decide what you can live with. It's not a game of win or lose. It's that time of year that you see some people you enjoy and some you don't, some that make you laugh and some that piss you off. Basically, it's that time of year that brings family together so y'all can gossip about each other afterwards.
I think your letter to your husband would be better left as a discussion in person and not in writing..... he might not want to go either, just tell him he doesnt have to and that you would love to cook dinner at home this year. My husband hates doing all the travelling, it is always easy for me to talk him in to staying home. We go visit our moms and stuff before the holidays and let them know we are staying home or going camping or something like that... they never freak out about it. Then when you visit the next time you can look at all the pictures they took and it will be just like you were there ;)

I would eliminate the first two paragraphs, if your husband knows you don't get along with his family, there is no need to reiterate the fact and it sounds like you want him to choose you or his family. Not wanting to spend a long time in the car with small children is a plenty good reason not to travel over the holidays and you can try to establish this year as tradition. Thrusady immdiate family, friday with the parents (no need to invite the sisters). Someday they might growup and be tolerable once a year, if so you can invite them then.

I remembered your previous in law post, but just to be certain I went back and reread. I personally think you need to redirect the letter to your feelings only. 'I don't want to go. I haven't forgivin Amy for wrongfully and maliciously accusing you of molesting her two year old daughter. I don't want my kids around that kind of dysfunction'. And don't say your SORRY!!! Don't ever apologize for feeling this way.

I wouldn't go. Cut and dry. My kids wouldn't go. Cut and dry. If hubby wants to go he has every right to.

You can't dictate who your inlaws have relationships with. She is still their daughter and your husbands sister. But you don't have to. I think inviting them up the day after is a great idea. Let them make the 5 hour trip.

Looks good to me. I think you expressed yourself really well without any accusations, just the facts and honestly letting your needs be known. Good job, hope all goes well!

I would ask my husband if he wanted to read the letter and then we discuss what it says.. Let him know he can think about the letter for a while or you can talk about it right away.

I have done this when my husband a few times, because I like you become very emotional about these sort of things and cannot always keep it in order and in a non confrontational way. It works well for us..

I read your original post about the problem with his family. My husband says he does not think he could ever forgive his sister. She would have to come groveling and then make an announcement to her daughter and his parents and other sister admitting it was all a lie and she was deeply sorry.. He said it would take a very sincere apology too.

This being said, I also no longer speak or attend functions with my inlaws or SIL.. After over 30 years of them always thinking the worse of me.. I finally had it with them when they slighted our daughter.. The way it works now, I encourage my husband and daughter to see them ANYTIME that they want. Even if it is a holiday.
But I will no longer sit and witness their treatment/mistreatment of my husband and daughter.

I think you are being very gracious to invite the inlaws to your home for your own celebration of Thanksgiving.. Remember, it does not have to be a holiday for your husband to also take the kids and see his parents.. And you all can also invite them to your home at any time.. again does not have to be a holiday..

I love my husband more than anything, I would and am terribly hurt by the way his parents have treated him and I will no longer be witness to it. But I will not in any way, keep him from his family.

To tell you the truth, I never think, "gee I wonder how MIL and SIL are doing." Because they hurt him and me so badly..

Why don't you/Husband/your kids... just make your own plans. Tell the family you have your own plans. Make your own "tradition" for the Holidays already.
OR... make it with your parents.
Your Husband if he wants to see them, can go without you... or after Thanksgiving.

OR... make plans to have Thanksgiving with friends. Or for all the other Holidays that occur.
Tell the in-laws, you have different plans.

Your Husband, ultimately and ideally... needs to back you up. Not easy being in the middle... but still. YOU are his wife... they are mean to you... and they cause problems for both of you.
You should not have to endure that... and be 'happy' about it in a phony way. If my in-laws were mean to me... my Husband would tell them and not allow it. AND we would do our own thing.
It is not 'law' that you have to, spend it with them.

Make your OWN Holiday plans... just you/Hubby/your kids....

Your Husband, cannot solve it nor fix it.... nor make everyone happy, at the same time. It is a tough position to be in. BUT, he should... care about your fate in all this.... being that your in-laws are toxic and mean... to you... for seemingly no reason.

If your in-laws want a relationship again with whomever for whatever reason, that is their business no matter how dysfunctional.
You CANNOT control them. That is their family.
So... you/Hubby/your kids... just have your OWN family... and family life and holiday traditions.

Did your Husband SEE the mean letter that one of his sisters e-mailed you???

Like the others said, I would not want to drive for 5 hours, with a baby... either. Just to have an awfully uncomfortable Thanksgiving... with them. AND... if anyone is sick... I wouldn't want my baby around that.

Your letter is a 'venting' letter. Your Husband can't "fix" all the problems. He can't control his family. But if anything, he can stick up for you... and agree that you/him/your child.... not go, and you have your own special Thanksgiving, together. Even if that means, having a restaurant meal Thanksgiving.

all the best,
Susan

I think your letter was very well written. I am like you and express myself better in writing, even with those I am closest to. (I'm very shy.) I see from your follow-up that your husband is very proactive in these situations. You are very blessed. It's sad that you have to go through this, but I think you are making good, informed decisions for you and your family.

I would state things simply. Write it down to "practice" if that helps, but such a sensitive discussion should happen face-to-face.

Leave all the back story out. As clueless as husbands might seem sometimes, they usually do know when their wives are frustrated, hurt, or angry. So you do not need to rehash things for him.

It seems very valid to me to open the discussion with: "Five hours was a long trip to begin with but with a baby is sounds downright impossible. Let's use this year to begin creating our own family traditions. I would really love to try making my very own Thanksgiving meal this year -- All the trimmings. I know your parents and sisters already have plans though of course they are free to come for the meal or even just dessert. Or, it might be even easier for them to come the day after Thanksgiving. We could lay-out the left over and dig into some pie and maybe play some games or watch some football. Wouldn't it be great to celebrate after the holidays...When everyone is so much more relaxed?"

Have you written letters to your husband before? If not, he may not receive this well. I recall your previous posting about your in laws and continue to feel that this is NOT a healthy environment for your children.

If you really feel like you are more controlled in writing, then refocus the letter to reflect your feelings. This whole thing sounds a little "whiney" to me. Don't "complain" b/c he already knows what they do and how they feel. I would also cut out the part about him talking to his mom about your issues... not really related to the Thanksgiving situation.

Keep it short and remember that once you put something in writing "it exists"- meaning if he tells his mom things about your relationship, he may show this to her. Keep that in the back of your mind as you write.

I still think you should invite them to come visit you sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas... see my response to your first posting. If your husband is insistent on going to the "big family gathering", then I would strongly suggest staying at a hotel and not wherever the sisters are. That way you can leave when you're ready- blame it on the baby.

I have gone through almost the same thing, I went with husband to see his family, but stayed in a room away from the sister that I had problems with. When I was in the same room, the talk was always short and I left to do something else. I also told my husband that I could not be around her for very long and also told him what was said or done (let him deal with her or them)
My children were a different matter, they were not allowed to have to put with any of it, if there was a problem they were gone.
For a change have them come to your house, they will be out of their safety zone, and if there is a problem they would be the one's that would have to make the long trip to go home and also find some place to stay while there.
Your husband and children are the most important thing in your life and that does not need to have any problems from any family member on either side start something to bring problems. GOOD LUCK HOPE THAT THINGS GET BETTER FOR YOU.

Sounds like you have things under control for Thanksgiving. If your husband needs to see his parents, encourage him to go for a night sometime without you. I have to go see my mom as she is ailing, but I go without my husband.

Don't be surprised when parents have a relationship with an errant child. They probably feel guilty about something and are trying to "help." Just be glad it is happening away from you. Don't even give it any of your time or energy to think about. Your husband sure doesn't want to discuss it. He probably wants to ignore that it is part of his life. (Can you blame him?)

If you see an email from his family, just hit "delete" without even reading it. Don't give yourself any extra stress. Don't even worry about what is being said behind your back. Just think of it as a bad movie that everyone is telling you not to go see. The only things that can annoy you are the things that you allow into your life. And don't even discuss it with your children. If they ever ask about that side of the family, just say that they are not very nice people so you want to stay away. Keep it very vague. Don't ever let them see that it is appropriate to go on and on about people behind their backs.

If you enjoy your husband's aunt, then go see her or invite her over sometime - but only if it is understood that you will not talk about the family. Your husband will appreciate the topic never even coming up, especially at home. There are better, more uplifting things to talk about.

Your letter was a good way to get your thoughts out. But I think the email from the sister trumps what you wanted to say or do. Now that the sister has expressed her feelings and desires all you need to do is step back and let him handle it. He now sees for the first time just how vindictive she really is and how you felt all along.

Don't invite the parents right now because the war is not over it is just beginning. Perhaps in the spring you could consider a short visit.

As everyone else says, start your own traditions with your little family and help them grow into long lasting ones.

The other S.

Toxic in laws are no fun.

Sounds good to me! Good job sticking up for yourself!